KK 'ka, 'didnt know u too had such wit! :shock: :lol:
Kalakareenga! :thumbsup: :D
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KK 'ka, 'didnt know u too had such wit! :shock: :lol:
Kalakareenga! :thumbsup: :D
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took
out a monkey.
He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll
be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast,
clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects,
mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really
useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but
it says it's an Engineer."
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
:lol: :lol:
:lol2:Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemaster1982
:rotfl:Quote:
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
Quote:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
:rotfl2:
Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!'
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, 'Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?'
'No, sweetheart,' she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, 'Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master Card balance yet?'
'Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,' she says.
'One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the ICICI auto loan to them this month?' he asks.
'Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,' begged Mona. 'I didn't send that one, either.'
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, 'So, why did you hug me?'
Rajiv answers, 'They'll find us!'
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family, they are here just to... ( READ ON!)
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in the traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me into my new home and family. Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .No, I will never do that, never in a million years."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean Dad is (looking at her in-laws):
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"ME!!!! I'M HERE ONLY TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! "
What's the difference between people who pray in temple and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "
His father replied : " Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. "
Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"Paul seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! "
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped
Kuttappan on his face.
His dad told him "Son, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth, Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie",
"Which movie?" "Thiruvilaiyadal",
Splatt
Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie starring Namitha."
Dad :"Shame on you son. When I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt
The dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "Don't be hard on him. After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappan's mother's face.
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old male chicken :sigh2:. As he feels that the old chicken could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young chicken from the market.
Old chicken to Young chicken : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young chicken : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old chicken : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young chicken : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old chicken : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young chicken : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old chicken : 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young chicken : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young chicken allows the Old chicken to start off and when the Old chicken crosses the 10 meters mark the Young chicken chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old chicken back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old chicken , he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth gay chicken I've bought this week !"
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
Moral of the story is... the reply you get depends on the question you ask.
For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday; ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"
:rotfl:
:lol: :lol:
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
:lol:
the following amuse has a PG rating:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled
and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code
3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on
layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
“Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Q :rotfl: :rotfl:
You are a Tamilian Only if ......
1-You arrive one hour late to a party and find out you are the first one to arrive.
2-You think it's perfectly normal to call someone who's 30 years younger than you 'anna' just because he's behind a counter.
3-You wear a suit to a wedding... and you are only 3 years old.
4-The wedding takes an hour and the group pictures take five hours.
5-Your mom and sister together own more jewelry than a Chinese jewelry store.
6-Your parents' idea of a vacation is to go down to the temples in India .
7-You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
8-The second your guests leave the house, your parents start talking about them.
9-You rent a cassette from the grocery store, it's been dubbed 6 times... & you return it 3 months later.
10-You go to a Tamil Cultural program only to find one Bharathanatyam and six hip hop shows.
11-You are somehow related to every new friend you meet.
12-Your remote control is still in its plastic packet.
13-You get a 95% on a test and your parents ask What happened to the other 5%?!'
14-You stare at Tamil people when they walk by.
15-You see married couples kissing on TV but have never your Mom & Dad get within 3 feet of each another.
16-Your parents never address each other by name.
17-When you get your first part-time job, your parents expect you to give them half.
18-Your mother has a minor dispute with her sister-in law and doesn't talk to her for 10 years.
19-Your parents say Swiss instead of Switzerland , Germany is German and England is London .
20-you go to a party and your aunt comments on how your skin color has changed.
21-You watch a Tamil wedding tape and all the songs from Roja are dubbed in it.
22-When the teacher took attendance and there was a sudden pause, you put your hand up and said 'here.'
23-You shortened your name to make it sound Anglo.
24-You have dinner at 10pm.
25-When your parents say 'BBC' they don't mean the news station but your uncle Nathan or aunty Kamala.
26-It's normal for all the relatives to bathe the groom on his wedding day.
27-You KNOW that your promiscuous second cousin on your father's side is pregnant even before she does.
28-Your aunties tease you about a particularly eligible cousin... & you like it!!!
29-You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar.
30-You only stop putting more rice on your guest's dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop.
31-Anytime you speak back to your parents, you get: 'I toiled my life for you, and this is how you repay me?!' - 'Naanga eppadi khasta pattathukku nee
ithuvum solluvae ithukku melayum solluvae!'
32-If you are a girl, you are expected to come home before dark - however if it's a son, 'OK rasa, jaakirathaa poitu vaa...'
33-Halfway through your shower you realize that your Head and Shoulders shampoo is gone and has been replaced by Siyakkai shampoo.
34-You walk in to another Tamil family's house and they have the same furniture and dining set as yours.
Last but not least
35- You are a true tamilian if you forward this mail to another tamilian
This is too good… if you can read this… it will not take more than 5 mins….
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooopen
In Tamilnadu , there is a well known person by name , Mr. Jeppier , Chairman of Sathyabama deemed university and some more self financing colleges , always speaks in English. That college students have collected & published a book by name "Jappier's Spoken English"
... Njoy .............with his.......... .....English. ......... .......
Now , here are some classic English sentences from the great
"Jappier's Spoken English"
# At the ground:
------------ -----
All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her....{Means: girl with specs please come here).
# To a boy , angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk?
# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You , rotate the ground four times....
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)
# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
------------ --------- --
Every body should wear dress to college
Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only slawar no nitee.
Girls should not wear T sirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear ...... remove it when inside the campus and put it oout side the campus
# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today....
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....
Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences ...
Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached , the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).
At Sathyabama college day 2002:
"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy , tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"
At St. Josephs college of engineering fresh years day 2003:
"No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police "
VERY IMPORTANT: Enjoy this English, but don't forget your English!
:lol: i wonder what Mr. Jeppiar said when he got his hands on his namesake book...
NOV-san how i wish "You are a Tamilian Only if ......" was funny not was funny because it's true... :roll: :x
1-You arrive one hour late to a party and find out you are the first one to arrive. ( :x sooo know this feeling! And I worry during the travelling to get there, that I'm late and being impolite!) DOWN with IST!!!
14-You stare at Tamil people when they walk by. (Yeah and they switch to horribly mangled english if they were speaking perfectly good thamil before you came by!)
22-When the teacher took attendance and there was a sudden pause, you put your hand up and said 'here.' ( :roll: Sigh...have always known how this feels! That's why guilty of the following one)
23-You shortened your name to make it sound Anglo. (guilty! :P )
29-You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar. :D
30-You only stop putting more rice on your guest's dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop. ( :x there's a line between being a good guest and fear that you are going to keel over at the table!That's just the second helping too!)
31-Anytime you speak back to your parents, you get: 'I toiled my life for you, and this is how you repay me?!' - 'Naanga eppadi khasta pattathukku nee
ithuvum solluvae ithukku melayum solluvae!' :lol: :P
32-If you are a girl, you are expected to come home before dark - however if it's a son, 'OK rasa, jaakirathaa poitu vaa...'
:roll: :x (hate this one!)
34-You walk in to another Tamil family's house and they have the same furniture and dining set as yours.
(haha i have seen this between two relatives who put down each other's taste...maybe they should pay more attention when they visit each other!)
Good ones! :lol: :DQuote:
Originally Posted by NOV
And might I add one more-
Your wife's standard attire for parties, dinners, movies, religious functions, casual visits or even running an errand to the local grocery store is a kanjeevaram saree and a mini jasmine garden in her hair.*
:wink: :P
* Of course this is diminishing in case of today's generation.......!
esp all nava-graha kovils :)Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
As GoundeR Mani says for some of the facts here
Bloody Yindiyans :P
Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by MrIndia
all venkatajalapathy and shivan kovils :D
i fit into half of them so am i half tamilian :roll:
Beer contains female hormones :shaking:
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive..
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
:x :x :x :x :x that ain't one bit funny :x
Hilarious NOV :thumbsup:
Dunno where u get these ones :rotfl:
:rotfl:
:roll: :roll: :roll:
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time
to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't
have feelings.
A widower who had never missed his wife until she was gone went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
Arrangements were made and one dark night he finds himself talking to
her.
"Honey," he says, "is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then heaven must be an amazing place."
"I'm not in heaven, my husband."
NOV :evil:
Q :lol:
Q :2thumbsup: :rotfl: men and pigs :rotfl:
:exactly: :rotfl:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prabhu Ram
Wibhs, its kind of circular because men turn into pigs after drinking something which contains female harmones ..Quote:
Originally Posted by Wibha
:rotfl: :lol: :rotfl2:
men don't drink only beer NERD :P :lol2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Nerd
Nerd Freeaa vidunga.
Avangale andha joke-kku(??) kastapattu sirikuraanga :lol2:
:lol: guys and gals.
ok, here's a joke all can enjoy....
Men wearing Earrings
Quote:
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer. A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."