A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

For pages & pages of jokes, go here:

http://forumhub.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=4723
http://mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=10703

:P :) :D :lol: :rotfl:

[c4ramesh]

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

[crazy]

:lol: :lol:

[c4ramesh]

[tscii:94ecd234a1]

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get TEN times what she wishes for.

“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to TWINS.”
[/tscii:94ecd234a1]

[c4ramesh]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going
into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

[c4ramesh]

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

[c4ramesh]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

[c4ramesh]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on
Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up
and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with
a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini
van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,
"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of his
children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,
"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,
whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we
could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,
'Fcuk the rabbi.'"

[c4ramesh]

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." :lol: :lol:

[crazy]

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

:D

[c4ramesh]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you,
I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a
half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like
factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with
you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

[c4ramesh]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[c4ramesh]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

[c4ramesh]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[c4ramesh]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Querida]

c4ramesh....what a great selection of jokes...really i needed to laugh...thanks!!!

[c4ramesh]

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have
change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's
corridor floors, and asked him,"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a
superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have
change for a dollar?" Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

[c4ramesh]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[littlemaster1982]

Ramesh, the last two jokes are :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[c4ramesh]

[tscii:1ca6e862ab]Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front said, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”[/tscii:1ca6e862ab]

[c4ramesh]

[tscii:4b2a0e094e]Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him.

It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.

The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. “I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country.”

The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy.

The third boy chose the Naval Academy.

The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, “Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery” The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age. The boy replied “Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!” :lol: :lol: :lol: [/tscii:4b2a0e094e]

[c4ramesh]

SANTA goes for a interview for the post of a DETECTIVE.

Interviewer Asked- WHO KILLED GANDHI.?

SANTA- Thanx for giving me the JOB.
I will Investigate...

[c4ramesh]

The Secret Of Staying Young





Is To







Live Honestly. . .





Eat Slowly. . .



&





Lie About Your Age.

[c4ramesh]

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that

The electric chair does not work,

Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed

And the devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!

[c4ramesh]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

[c4ramesh]

Three men are in a coffee shop bragging about their dogs. Each claims to have the world's smartest dog. The first man says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The second man says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give MY dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a pack of Double Mint Gum. He knows it's the only brand I'll chew. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The third man says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs buy that stuff? Well, MY dog runs the place!"

[c4ramesh]

When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

[c4ramesh]

Banta and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State s patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters.


They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly.
"Bhagat Singh" said Banta and pulled one hair from the Bengali.

"Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.

They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters.

The Bengali, however, was very clever.
He used Banta s ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.

Banta was stuck.

He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter`s name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali`s head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh''...!!!

[c4ramesh]

Once Santa is traveling by train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The Santa thinks there is someone in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat.

5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same person there. An hour passes away, he has made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there.

So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what s been going on.

The TC feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident person out.

Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell Santa, "I m sorry, I can not do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member."

[c4ramesh]

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs.

Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.

The warden said "sure" and got him a computer.

A brand new Compaq computer.

After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.

The warden asked Banta what happened.

Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer.

One simple task and it could not do it....!!!!!!

Banta said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."

[c4ramesh]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[c4ramesh]

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[crazy]

Spielberg :lol:

[c4ramesh]

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

[c4ramesh]

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

[c4ramesh]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[c4ramesh]

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[crazy]

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

:rotfl2:

[c4ramesh]

Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and
they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil
find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

[c4ramesh]

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

[c4ramesh]

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

[c4ramesh]

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

[c4ramesh]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." :lol:

[c4ramesh]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[c4ramesh]

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" :lol:

[c4ramesh]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[c4ramesh]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[c4ramesh]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

[c4ramesh]

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

[c4ramesh]

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[Shakthiprabha.]

:lol: good ones

exept the one JUST BEFORE this post, which made me SAD :(

[c4ramesh]

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy
in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"

[c4ramesh]

A young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,

"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." :lol: :lol: :lol:

[c4ramesh]

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle--Whooee da Whooee!--but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good teakettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[c4ramesh]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[c4ramesh]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

[c4ramesh]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[c4ramesh]

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class! 'When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'

[c4ramesh]

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."

[c4ramesh]

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.

Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"

[c4ramesh]

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

[c4ramesh]

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."

[c4ramesh]

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

[c4ramesh]

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

[c4ramesh]

Manager : Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

[c4ramesh]

Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[c4ramesh]

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

[c4ramesh]

Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"

[c4ramesh]

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[c4ramesh]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, ",Daddy, what is sex?",

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?",

The little girl replied, ",Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.",

[c4ramesh]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

[c4ramesh]

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer,
two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of
beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is
seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

[c4ramesh]

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

[c4ramesh]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."

[c4ramesh]

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."

[c4ramesh]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

[Shakthiprabha.]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

:rotfl2:


By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

:lol:




[tscii:5728386709]Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front said, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”[/tscii:5728386709]

:D


A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that

The electric chair does not work,

Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed

And the devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!

:thumbsup: :D Ashamed to enjoy the joke....nevertheless I DID enjoy :D



When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

:)

[c4ramesh]

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

[Shakthiprabha.]

:roll:

[Shakthiprabha.]

PLAY OF TIME
___________

Dating process:

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

********

Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

********

Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

********

Phone Ringing:

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RIIIINGIIIINGGGG.

********

Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!


_____

:roll: Its more practical than jovial :lol:

[Shakthiprabha.]

BENEFITS OF BANKING
__________________

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.


Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"


" No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"


"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.


"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either ."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"


Rajiv answers, " They'll find us!!!!"

[Lambretta]

:lol: good one KK 'ka! :lol2:

[crazy]

:lol: :lol:

[littlemaster1982]

Rajiv answers, " They'll find us!!!!"

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Shakthiprabha.]

[tscii:748c15d856]
Ennathan 'Karunanithi'DMK la irundhalum avar veetu maadu 'AMMA' nu dhan kathum. ( :D )

Lover's day annaiki lover a kiss pannalam..
Ana Teacher's day annaiki teacher a kiss panna mudiyuma? ( :| )

Calenderla naama enna thethi kizhichomngarathu mukkiyam illa. Kizhicha
thethiyila naama ennatha kizhichomngarathu than mukkiyam. ( :clap: :thumbsup: :D :oops: )

Pallu valina palla pudungalaam aana
kannu vali na kanna pudungamudiyuma... ( :roll: )

elephant mela namma ukandha savari
elephant namma mela okandha oppari!!!! ( :| )

Kaakaa kaa ..kaa nu katharadhala adha kaakaa-nu kupidarom.. Aana maadu maa .. maaa nu katharadhala adha mama-nu kupidamudiuma ( :rotfl2: :rotfl2: )

CREAM BISCUIT LA CREAM IRUKKUM
NAAI BISCUITLA NAI IRUKKADU ( :sigh2: )


ULAGAM THERIYAMA VALRRAVAN VEGULY
CRICKET THERIYAMA VILAYADURAVAN GANGULY ( :evil: :mad: :oops: :lol: )

Sodava fridgela vacha cooling soda aagum, Athukkaaga atha washing machinela vacha washing soda aagumaa!! ( :| )

Ghee roastla ghee irukkum,
Paper roastla paper irukkuma!! ( :| )


kovil maniya namma adicha saththam varum...
aana kovil mani nammala adicha raththam than varum.... ( :cry: )

lunch bagla lunch eduthuttu pogalam...
aana school bagla school eduthuttu poga mudiyathu.. ( :cry2: )

pacha molagala pachai irukkum aana
kodamolagala kodaya irukkuma ( :banghead: )

South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum.
Aaana, North India-la Southangai kidaikuma?! ( :D :lol: )


Pant Pottu Muttipoda mudiyum aanaaa
muttipottu pant poda mudiyumaa........... :sigh2:


Today's punch:

Thanneera Thanninnu sollalaam
Panneera panninnu solla mudiyuma?? ( :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: )

Ithu yeppudi iruku….

__________________

Courtesy: namma hubber - Arthi[/tscii:748c15d856]

[Lambretta]

[tscii:1dae2dc790]
Ithu yeppudi iruku….

__________________

Courtesy: namma hubber - Arthi
Ithu plagiarism-Atum iruku! :evil: :roll: :P :lol: [/tscii:1dae2dc790]

[crazy]

Lover's day annaiki lover a kiss pannalam..
Ana Teacher's day annaiki teacher a kiss panna mudiyuma? ( :| )

why not? :?

[c4ramesh]

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

[c4ramesh]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George's
mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the
States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told
George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,
very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the
remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost
$150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it
will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,"
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many
years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third
day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance." :lol:

[c4ramesh]

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

[c4ramesh]

A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."

"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

[c4ramesh]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[c4ramesh]

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Shakthiprabha.]

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

:D :D

[NOV]

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:


Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?


I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year.
I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with
$500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm
greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in
New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who
has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all
married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems
that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to
move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden
(?), $250k annual income is not enough.


I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:


1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and
addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)


2) Which age group should I target?


3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few
girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to
marry rich guys


4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)





Ms. Pretty





Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:





Dear Ms. Pretty,


I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls
out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to
analyze your situation as a professional investor. My
annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope
everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.


From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry
you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside,
what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty"
and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and
square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but
my money will not be gone without any good reason.
The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be
prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an
appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset.
It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that
is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later


By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating
with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will
sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for
long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great
depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone
with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but
will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues
to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make
yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better
chance than finding a rich fool.


Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do
contact me signed, J.P. Morgan

[dev]

:lol:

[ArulprakasH]

An apple per day keeps the Doctor away.... If the doctor is cute forget the fruit ;)

[thamiz]

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/zits.asp?date=20071216

:lol:

[Lambretta]

An apple per day keeps the Doctor away.... If the doctor is cute forget the fruit ;)
Does it apply in cases where the doc & patient r of the same gender? ;) :lol2:

[padmanabha]

a journalist friend sent this joke to me. let me share with you

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to the 'Indian Stock Market'!

[Shakthiprabha.]

a journalist friend sent this joke to me. let me share with you

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to the 'Indian Stock Market'!

VERY GOOD ONE :D

[sgokulprathap]

[tscii:d940fec7bb]INTERVIEW:

OFFICER—————-WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE—————–M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE—————MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————–YOUR FATHER’S NAME ?
CANDIDATE—————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————-MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————-YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE————–M P. SIR
OFFICER————IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE————-NO, MANI PAL SIR
OFFICER————WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION ?
CANDIDATE————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————(ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE———— METRIC PASS
OFFICER————-WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER————AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————-MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER————DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE———-MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER————-THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE———- -M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-WHAT is it NOW
CANDIDATE————-My Performance….?
OFFICER—————-M P!!!!
CANDIDATE————WHAT IS THAT SIR
OFFICER————–MENTAL PROBLEM[/tscii:d940fec7bb]

[sgokulprathap]

[tscii:221b265bb3]Good one...

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.[/tscii:221b265bb3]

[Meera-ssg]

[tscii:6ab5afa00b]INTERVIEW:

OFFICER—————-WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE—————–M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE—————MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————–YOUR FATHER’S NAME ?
CANDIDATE—————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————-MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————-YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE————–M P. SIR
OFFICER————IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE————-NO, MANI PAL SIR
OFFICER————WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION ?
CANDIDATE————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————(ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE———— METRIC PASS
OFFICER————-WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER————AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————-MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER————DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE————-M P. SIR
OFFICER————EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE———-MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER————-THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE———- -M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-WHAT is it NOW
CANDIDATE————-My Performance….?
OFFICER—————-M P!!!!
CANDIDATE————WHAT IS THAT SIR
OFFICER————–MENTAL PROBLEM[/tscii:6ab5afa00b]

:roll:

[aanaa]

:lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol:

[Raghu]

has any1 heard of or have any vadivelu's audio comedy track as a ring tone on mobile phones??

This is what happend 2day, i went to TESCO to get some lunch for my lunch break... and i bough my lunch and was waiting at the check out, all the ppl infront of me were English

suddenly i hear a noise from the Checkout, it sounded like tamil as i was quite far away, as i approached near, every one was laughing, and i can vaguely hear a tamil voice, as i went closer, i could not stop laughing...

some one had left a mobile phone at checkout, it must have been a tamil person, and the phone had ring tone, where vadivelu says ' Maapu Maaapu vachutaiya aapu' this is dialogue which vadivel says in Chandramugi, when SS abandons him in the ghost house and goes...., and some one kept on rining that phone, and it kept on saying
Maapu Maaapu vachutaiya aapu'
Maapu Maaapu vachutaiya aapu'
Maapu Maaapu vachutaiya aapu'



I had the best laugh of my day, Vadivelu is truly a LEGEND

[NOV]

A man went on business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his
kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying
inferior Goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this
does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that
reads,

'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuse to give either, the man
points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from
the right To the left.'

[Meera-ssg]

Nice !

[NOV]

you love someone...

you marry someone else...

The one you marry becomes ur wife or husband...

And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id...!

[NOV]

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

[NOV]

If someone says you are ugly, its ok....

if someone says you are stupid, its ok...

If someone says you are genius slap him tight ...

and say...

there is a limit to kidding and you are now crossing the limit.

[NOV]

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects...

[NOV]

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.

Husband is liver & wife kidney.

If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

[NOV]

AMAZING FACT: The Japanese have produced a camera with such a fast shutter speed, that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

[NOV]

An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her sons-in-law.

One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell into the lake and started yelling for help.

The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out to the shore.

The next day he found a brand new Perdana V6 in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

Another day she was walking along the lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down the lake and started yelling for help.

The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out to the shore.

The next day he found a brand new Perdana V6 in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't attempt to save her.

The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes Benz on his doorsteps with the following wordings ...
.
"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law" !!!

[Designer]

[tscii:4fd5eb24e6]Stoned stranger

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't - it’s three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing," the stoner replies.
[/tscii:4fd5eb24e6]

[Designer]

Redneck family go to the mall

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

[Arthi]

If someone says you are ugly, its ok....

if someone says you are stupid, its ok...

If someone says you are genius slap him tight ...

and say...

there is a limit to kidding and you are now crossing the limit.

anubavam pEsudhO ;)

[Shakthiprabha.]

you love someone...

you marry someone else...

The one you marry becomes ur wife or husband...

And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id...!

:rotfl2: :rotfl: :lol: :lol2: no comments

[Shakthiprabha.]

An airplane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... Any Africans on board?" No one moves.

"B... Any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

"C... Any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.

"D... Any Darkies?

A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad,...what are we?

Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus"

___

not really funny :?

[Shakthiprabha.]

Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.

________

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga

___________

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...

:lol: :rotfl2: sorry could not help laughing :oops: :oops:

_____________

Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.

[NOV]

:lol: :rotfl2: sorry could not help laughing :oops: :oops: we'd laugh too if we know what the heck you are saying :roll:

[Shakthiprabha.]

:roll:

nov, what kinda language u use !

[Shakthiprabha.]

For the benefit of others


Boy: Come, we shall go to a quiet place!
Girl: You wont try to act smart nah ?
Boy: Never!
Girl: Then leave it! Whats the use going?!.

________

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: I kept hand on seetha and so much problems I need to face, AND NOW GEETHA... NEVER!

___________

A lady to another lady: You had just one kid, when u got divorced, how, but now u have 3 children... how ...? She says: My x-husband used to come home once a while to ask sorry!

:lol: :rotfl2: sorry could not help laughing :oops: :oops:

_____________

Angry boss: Have u ever seen an owl (in hindi ullu also means fool)?
Executive (His head down): No sir.
Boss: What are u seeing down for? Look at me!

[Wibha]

Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:



___________

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...

:lol: :rotfl2: sorry could not help laughing :oops: :oops:

:rotfl2: :rotfl:



Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.

aiyo :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Shakthiprabha.]

:D

[crazy]

AMAZING FACT: The Japanese have produced a camera with such a fast shutter speed, that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

:)

[ThalaNass]

Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:



___________

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...

:lol: :rotfl2: sorry could not help laughing :oops: :oops:

:rotfl2: :rotfl:



Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.

aiyo :rotfl: :rotfl:

:roll: :roll:

translation plz!! :evil:

[Arthi]

An airplane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... Any Africans on board?" No one moves.

"B... Any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

"C... Any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.

"D... Any Darkies?

A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad,...what are we?

Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus"

___

not really funny :?
idhu rOmba funny-a erukku :lol: :lol: (JK)

[Designer]

:lol:



Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.

[Designer]

A letter from a Sardarji mother to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took bahu (daughter-in-law) to our club's poolside. The manager is badmash (cheat). He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter

[Shakthiprabha.]

Good one des :lol:

[Arthi]

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.


:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Lambretta]

Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
Ironically this isnt just a joke these days......! :|


Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga
Good one!! :lol: :lol2:


Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
:lol: :rotfl:

[crazy]

des :rotfl: :rotfl:

[NOV]

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

[Arthi]

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

:roll:

[NOV]

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

[NOV]

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.

Doctor: Don't worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it's the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

[Arthi]

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

:lol:

[vishalakshi]

Hi c4ramesh

great jokes...really enjoyed

Cheers :D

[vishalakshi]

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

[vishalakshi]

After making a trip of South India, Guju Bhai, his wife and his son were returning to Gujurat in Tamilnadu Express.

Guju Bhai was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle
berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one
of the stations on the way back the son requested Guju Bhai
to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Guju Bhai readily agreed. When
Guju Bhai and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't
understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Guju Bhai called the TT and asked him to help. TT
requested
that he could not understand Hindi/Gujurati so it would be
better if

Guju Bhai explained the whole situation to him in English.

Guju Bhai explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

[vishalakshi]

Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting with
Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the
advancement in technology in USA. Come with me."

Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the
ground."

Zail Singh digs.

Reagan says, "More, more, more..."

Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.

Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"

Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"

Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years
ago we used to have telephones!"

Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan
to India.

In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the
advancement in India!"

He takes Reagan to a forest and asks him to dig.

After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"


Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.

Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"

Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"

GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone
WIRELESS!"

[vishalakshi]

A rich widower miser went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American life style.

He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money.

The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank.

What he saw did not please him. There were many 5 and 10 rupee notes along with rupee coins in the box. Where did these come from he demanded angirly. I've been putting only rupee coins. The wife replied: Not everyone is as kanjoos as you.

[Arthi]

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

though heard similar one ... :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Arthi]

A rich widower miser went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American life style.

He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money.

The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank.

What he saw did not please him. There were many 5 and 10 rupee notes along with rupee coins in the box. Where did these come from he demanded angirly. I've been putting only rupee coins. The wife replied: Not everyone is as kanjoos as you.

:roll: :P :lol: :rotfl:

[Shakthiprabha.]

Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting with
Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the
advancement in technology in USA. Come with me."

Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the
ground."

Zail Singh digs.

Reagan says, "More, more, more..."

Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.

Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"

Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"

Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years
ago we used to have telephones!"

Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan
to India.

In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the
advancement in India!"

He takes Reagan to a forest and asks him to dig.

After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"


Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.

Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"

Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"

GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone
WIRELESS!"


aweeeeeeeesome!! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[ThalaNass]

A new student had joined the class and the teacher asked him if he knew his numbers.

"Yes", he said. "I do.My father taught me".

"Good.What comes after three?"

"Four", answered the boy

"What comes after six?"

"Seven".

"Very good", said the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.What comes after ten?"

"A jack" was the responce.

[Shakthiprabha.]

:D

[Designer]

[tscii:5832d2e5b9]Ten things a Wife never wants to hear from her Husband

10. “You look great for a woman who has had four kids.”

9. “This is almost as good as mom used to make.”

8. “Thanks for the new shirt. It’ll be great for working on the car.”

7. “That’s a great new hairdo, Honey. How much did it cost?”

6. “I never knew you could sing that close to pitch.”

5. “I like it when you wait until halftime to vacuum.”

4. “Whaddaya want me to say? Okay, you look fabulous.”

3. “This ... meatloaf is a neat color.”

2. “Yes, that actress is beautiful, but you’re pretty on the inside.”

1. “Wow, that makeup works wonders!”[/tscii:5832d2e5b9]

[NOV]

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

[NOV]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[NOV]

Banta began a job as an elementary school counselor and he was eager to help. One day during recess he noticed a boy standing by himself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Banta approached and asked if he was all right. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Banta noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Banta offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at Banta suspiciously.

Feeling he was making progress, Banta then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalkeeper!"

[NOV]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

[NOV]

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

[NOV]

When Sudha got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it. She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!



Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."



I guess you can get too health conscious. My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"



A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"



Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !"

[NOV]

Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager.

As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

The lady then moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

[NOV]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[P_R]

NOV :thumbsup:
Nelson Mandela is just :rotfl:

[Lambretta]

:lol: :rotfl: Thalaiva!! :clap:

[Designer]

NOV : :lol: @ Goalkeeper & Nelson Mandela

[NOV]

thank you guys.. :D


A First grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses Until they stop running.

2. Strike while the Bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of Termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that Looks dirty.

7. No news is Impossible

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the Pigs.

13. An idle mind is The best way to relax

14. Where there's smoke there's Pollution.

15. Happy the bride who Gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is Not much.

17. Two's company, three's The Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none as blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not Spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed Get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand Is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than Pregnant

[NOV]

Before marriage....


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!


After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top

[nms]

@ NOV

13. An idle mind is The best way to relax

:)

[NOV]

[tscii]
Interview questions

From:Kathareen
What kind of car or animal would you be?
What is the reason for them asking you that? I want to work not be a car or animal!!!

Oh and then "Where do you want to be in 5 years from now?" How do you answer that?

Not where would you like to be with our company in 5 years but just "Where do you want to be in 5 years?" What does this have to do with the job requirements or qualifications?
Please let me know why they ask these questions and how are you suppose to respond intelligently.
Thanks,
Very frustrated…

From:tintinmilou

It is SO unfortunate that humor is inappropriate at job interviews. That's why you should ALWAYS interview at jobs you don't want, so that you can respond to such questions with answers such as:
"I'd be a tiger, so that I can run down my human prey and crush their puny skulls with my powerful jaws and feel their hot brains and blood squish out through my teeth and rip out their steaming entrails onto the grass, crushing their bones to get at the red bloody marrow, but mostly so I could kill interviewers who ask stupid questions to take advantage of their position to try to make job-hunters uncomfortable. "

"On the other hand, I'd like to be a bunny, too."

If you do it with enough passion and enthusiasm, it's fun to watch their faces.

You can get really inappropriate, too. I like to tell them I want to be a stallion. "Why?" "Oh, I can't tell you THAT! This is a job interview!"

Where do I want to be five years from now? "I want to be gainfully employed by this company in Human Resources so I can replace you with a competent person". Any recruiter who asks those kinds of questions is probably young and inexperienced - just out of college and still using the psychological profile questions from the text books they still hang onto from school.

But seriously, interviewing at jobs you don't want is the best way to hone your technique. You're not under any pressure, you can easily project confidence, and you have nothing to risk. I've actually gotten better results from interviews for jobs I don't want than from jobs I do.

It's really ego-boosting to be able to respond to an offer or a request for a follow-up interview with the same verbage they use to turn down candidates!

From:mostbravest

A good friend of mine is a hiring manager and from a HR perspective she hates the animal question but had to use it since there were two excellent candidates for a job she was hirning for.
This is how it went.

What animal would you like to be?
First person said " I would like to be a bird so I can fly around and see things from a different perspective.
The second person said they want to be a cat so they could be lazy all day.
Now which one do you think got the job?

[app_engine]

http://dailythanthi.com/article.asp?NewsID=396518&disdate=2/28/2008

This incident is like the court scene in the hindi movie "gerAftAr" (where Kamal, Rajini and Amitabh acted)

[NOV]

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

NOTE:
Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6. Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________ _________ _______

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

[suba]

[tscii:9ebe507de6] :)

hi i am a great fan of this thread though i have not contributed anything here. had been only a reader. anyway... :froggrin:

=========

EMPLOYEE:- BOSS Now i have got married , please increase my salary

BOSS:- Factory is not responsible for accidents

=========

Husbund to friend: My wife is very demanding...she ask everyday for Rs 1000

Friend: Oh, but have u ever asked what she is doing with that money?

Husbund: oh , she only can answer , if i give her once!!

=========

Patient: Doctor! in my dream monkeys were playing football every night.

Doctor: Take this medicine from today's night.

Patient: Doctor can i take this medicine from tomorrow.

Doctor: why?

Patient:Because today is final match......

=========

Teacher : What happened in 1869 ?

Student : I dont Know ...

Teacher : Stupid . Gandhiji was born ... Now tel me , What happened in 1873 ?

Student : Gandhiji became 4 years old .........!

============

Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”

=============

:)
[/tscii:9ebe507de6]

[Shakthiprabha.]

Patient: Doctor! in my dream monkeys were playing football every night.

Doctor: Take this medicine from today's night.

Patient: Doctor can i take this medicine from tomorrow.

Doctor: why?

Patient:Because today is final match......

=========

Teacher : What happened in 1869 ?

Student : I dont Know ...

Teacher : Stupid . Gandhiji was born ... Now tel me , What happened in 1873 ?

Student : Gandhiji became 4 years old .........!

============


:lol:

[rocketboy]

Too good




Modern Maths

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Donkey = eat + sleep


Therefore,

Human = Donkey + work + enjoy


if, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work


In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work (Eqn 1)

************************************************** ****


Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money (Eqn 2)

If Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys (Eqn 3)


************************************************** ****


Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Donkeys = eat + sleep


Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend (Eqn 4)


If, Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,


Women that don't spend = Donkeys (Eqn 5)


************************************************** ****


To Conclude:

From Eqn 3 and Eqn 5
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend
So,
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

From Eqn 2 + Eqn 4, we have
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend
From Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys

And the Donkeys live happily ever after!

[ajithfederer]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Nerd]

Ultimate :lol: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[chevy]

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only." lol

[Meera-ssg]

Banta began a job as an elementary school counselor and he was eager to help. One day during recess he noticed a boy standing by himself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Banta approached and asked if he was all right. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Banta noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Banta offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at Banta suspiciously.

Feeling he was making progress, Banta then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalkeeper!"

:D

[Designer]

The Doctors' Sign

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctology), opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading :

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[rocketboy]

The best way to enter a man's heart
http://www.savefile.com/files/1423098
The best way to enter a woman's heart
http://www.savefile.com/files/1423102

[Lambretta]

The best way to enter a man's heart
http://www.savefile.com/files/1423098
The best way to enter a woman's heart
http://www.savefile.com/files/1423102
:lol: Good ones rocketboy!

However, jokes apart, the woman in the 2nd pic. is wearing sumthing (I dont meanthe jewellery) tat'd be the best way to enter THIS man's heart! :wink: :P :lol:

[NOV]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[NOV]

A Teacher lecturing on population -

In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.

A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her

[NOV]

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of "WIFE."

It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!

WIFE says No, it means - With Idiot for Ever

[NOV]

A sardar ji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.

He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister

[NOV]

Diary Of a Young Wife


Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.


Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad. I guess they enjoyed the salad very much as Tim's friend wanted to come back the next day and the day after that too.


Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.


Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients,
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.


Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.


Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really
stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

[Arthi]

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of "WIFE."

It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!

WIFE says No, it means - With Idiot for Ever

:rotfl: :rotfl2: :rotfl:
:thumbsup:

[rocketboy]

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of "WIFE."

It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!

WIFE says No, it means - With Idiot for Ever

A wife is someone who stands by her husband through all his troubles. He would not have had .. if he had stayed single :rotfl:

[crazy]

Too good




Modern Maths

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Donkey = eat + sleep


Therefore,

Human = Donkey + work + enjoy


if, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work


In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work (Eqn 1)

************************************************** ****


Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money (Eqn 2)

If Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys (Eqn 3)


************************************************** ****


Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Donkeys = eat + sleep


Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend (Eqn 4)


If, Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,


Women that don't spend = Donkeys (Eqn 5)


************************************************** ****


To Conclude:

From Eqn 3 and Eqn 5
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend
So,
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

From Eqn 2 + Eqn 4, we have
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend
From Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys

And the Donkeys live happily ever after!

:rotfl2: :rotfl2: :rotfl2:

[NOV]

Lalu Pundit was reading a book of eternal truth.

He told his wife Pyari, "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"

Pyari advised, "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"

[NOV]

Lalu was saying to girl friend Pyari, "I love you" and he fell down on the floor.

Confounded Pyari cried, "How come you fell down?"

Fallen Lalu explained , " I fell in love with you."

[NOV]

Boy friend: You really sing very well.

Girl Friend: Oh no I am just a bathroom singer

Boy friend: Well, then why you and I don't practice singing together.

[NOV]

An affluent old man marries a beautiful young woman.

Tabloid interviewer asked the woman, "What attracted you in this Old man that you married him."

The woman explained, "I was attracted with a big number of dollars and a small number of days ahead."

[Meera-ssg]

Last one aint funny!

[Shekhar]

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of "WIFE."

It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!

WIFE says No, it means - With Idiot for Ever

Sure. Would he have married otherwise?? :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

This one is for you you Shekar as welcome back present. :D

Why are Men so smart? :banghead:

When my sister was a baby, someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

Mummy was in the living room engrossed in theTV programme when my sister brought Mummy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Dad came home.

My Mum made him wait in the living room to watch her little princess bring her a cup of tea, because it was, 'just the cutest thing!'

My Dad waited, and sure enough, here my sis came down the hall with a cup of tea for Mummy.

Dad watches her drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that the baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[padmanabha]

"WIFE"
ALSO STANDS FOR

"WORRIES INVITED FOR EVER"

[crazy]

:roll:

[RR]

http://amkworld.blogspot.com/2008/03/1432008.html

[crazy]

எங்கே சொறீய வேண்டும் என்று எனக்குத் தானே தெரியும். அதனால், சுயமாக சொறிவதே சுகம் என்று இருக்கேன் :lol:



btw anaanigal'na enna?

[littlemaster1982]

btw anaanigal'na enna?

The guys who post comments in blogs as "Anonymous". They are called as "Anony" in short.

[crazy]

btw anaanigal'na enna?

The guys who post comments in blogs as "Anonymous". They are called as "Anony" in short.

oh ...thanks :)

[Shakthiprabha.]

ROMANIA - RAMANIA
________________

Dear Andy: How have you been. Your mother and me are keeping fine. We miss u. Please sign off the computer and come downstairs to eat something. love, Dad.

_____

(Lady to shopkeeper)

I want my husband to pay more attention to me, got any perfume which smells like computer?

[app_engine]

I don't know when "The Hindu" went through this transition:-) These reviews are hilarious to read:

http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/fr/2008/03/28/stories/2008032850570200.htm
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/fr/2008/03/28/stories/2008032850580200.htm

[crazy]

ROMANIA - RAMANIA
________________

Dear Andy: How have you been. Your mother and me are keeping fine. We miss u. Please sign off the computer and come downstairs to eat something. love, Dad.

_____

(Lady to shopkeeper)

I want my husband to pay more attention to me, got any perfume which smells like computer?

:lol: :lol:

[crazy]

[tscii:f69d41ca76]
I don't know when "The Hindu" went through this transition:-) These reviews are hilarious to read:

http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/fr/2008/03/28/stories/2008032850570200.htm
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/fr/2008/03/28/stories/2008032850580200.htm

"By all means, go for ----. It’s the most inspiring piece of Tamil cinema. If this chap can make a movie, so can you."

:rotfl: [/tscii:f69d41ca76]

[NOV]

An american's despair
Recently President Bush said each US citizen would get a $600.00 tax
rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to
a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to
China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea
or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
......and none of these scenarios will help the American
economy.

We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to
keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on
prost1tution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses
still left in the U.S.

[dev]

ROMANIA - RAMANIA
________________

Dear Andy: How have you been. Your mother and me are keeping fine. We miss u. Please sign off the computer and come downstairs to eat something. love, Dad.

_____

(Lady to shopkeeper)

I want my husband to pay more attention to me, got any perfume which smells like computer?

:lol: :bangcomp:

[Lambretta]

:bangcomp:
Looks like u have the same problem as the lady, illeya dev? :wink: :P :lol:

[sarna_blr]

All pls learn ENGLISH to vommit........


he said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"



*******************************************

once our hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."....:lol2:...

*******************************************


"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

*******************************************

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

*******************************************

it was very hot in the afternoon when the he entered.. tried to switch the fan on but there was sum problem. and then he said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

*******************************************

he is in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!

*******************************************


"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"


*******************************************



"half of u go to the right, half of u go to the left n the remaining come behind me"......



*******************************************

My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"


*******************************************

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

*******************************************

"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

*******************************************

," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

*******************************************

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

*******************************************

tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

*******************************************

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

*******************************************


"i understand. u understand.computer how understand??



*******************************************

[Thalafanz]

All pls learn ENGLISH to vommit........



it was very hot in the afternoon when the he entered.. tried to switch the fan on but there was sum problem. and then he said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

*******************************************


"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

*******************************************

tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

*******************************************



:rotfl: :rotfl2: :rotfl: :rotfl2: :rotfl: :rotfl2:

Sarna bro... :thumbsup:

[NOV]

Man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.

Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.

Man: All right... Then how about on the last date?

[NOV]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[NOV]

Q: What is the name of Veerappan's IT company

A: VIPRO (Veerappan IT Products).

[NOV]

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days..

[NOV]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[NOV]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[NOV]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a mouse.

[NOV]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[NOV]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposi ts a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;

cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

[dev]

:bangcomp:
Looks like u have the same problem as the lady, illeya dev? :wink: :P :lol:

I was just trying to imagine how it'll be if my son/daughter does that & my husb sends an email like tht... :lol: :evil:

& yes, S does sit in front of the comp/TV a lot... But tht doesn't bother me most of the times...:)

[littlemaster1982]

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and satdown to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Johnny's mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around
to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.


Letter 5

God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

[crazy]

:rotfl:

[sarna_blr]

Wedding Query. ...... ....... (SQL Style)


CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
Groom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM indian_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MBA) AND Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null


SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO





Then the wife writes the below query:


DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

[Braandan]

From Arcamax

Turn Off the Lights
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off.
Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough
to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said,
"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"

[NOV]

These are Girls profiles taken from a matrimonial website.

Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a Profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If
any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good
education but i working all field in bangalore .. if u like me u
welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident
or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
(Truly yours)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on
........hold my hand forever !!!

(The SSUE effect)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am simple girl. I have lot of problem in my life because of my
lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but
while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone
groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he
would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I
love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is
suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father &
mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)
( Confused ????? )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(Plz ? for gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.
i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the
good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other
caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there
anything like that.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social
service.
(Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)

[NOV]

A Difficult Judgment

In a small town in India , a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple . The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop ' s demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

I don ' t know how I ' m going to decide this case,

but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and

we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.'

[sarna_blr]

These are Girls profiles taken from a matrimonial website.

NOV annaa... luv pandradhukku ponnu vEnum'naa... therutheruvaa suththanum....
matrimOnal matrimOnallaa suththureenga... :lol2:

[NOV]

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates

"Look everything should be in balance.
For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...

"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:

"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied --

"Look at the neighbours I gave them."

[Lambretta]

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.

This is a joke within the main joke, for sure! :lol:
This sentence should be in past tense! :roll: :P :lol2:

[wrap07]

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates

"Look everything should be in balance.
For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...

"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:

"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied --

"Look at the neighbours I gave them."

nice one :D

the bolded ones are real facts.

[crazy]

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.

This is a joke within the main joke, for sure! :lol:
This sentence should be in past tense! :roll: :P :lol2:

:lol: :oops:

[Kavitha Ravi]

Technically Correct!!!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

**"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." *

[NOV]

Modern Panchtantra Story

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood ( the woodcutter and the axe ) he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?"

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all !!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

********

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a genius than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[NOV]

3 Easy Ways to Die :


Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.

[NOV]

A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

[NOV]

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

[NOV]

Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

[crazy]

Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

:lol:

sipi anna :(

[crazy]

A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

:P

[Lambretta]

Modern Panchtantra Story

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood ( the woodcutter and the axe ) he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?"

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all !!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

********

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a genius than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

:lol: :clap: :thumbsup: :rotfl:

[sarna_blr]

[tscii:2af73aac6f]I dunno whether this is a joke or not...... but i remember the words "IDUKKAN VARUNGAAL NAGUGA".....

There was a contest in TCS to write a fictional story for 500 words max which would start with the line " On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Chennai station "
This is what a guy wrote for the contest……. and surprisingly, it was adjudged the best short story : ))

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Chennai station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it. There was blood all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer. I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed…. My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"… As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.

While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter… hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name…. it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind……… splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".
[/tscii:2af73aac6f]

[NOV]

Modern Heights



1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .


************ **

2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.


************ **


3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


************ **

4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


************ **

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


************ **

6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

************ **

7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


************ **

8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


************ **

9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.

[dev]

Modern Heights



1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .


************ **

:lol: We have tried designing one when in college!!!... :oops: :lol2:

[crazy]

7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

aint babies free of charge? :roll:

[Lambretta]

Modern Heights



1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .


************ **

:lol: We have tried designing one when in college!!!... :oops: :lol2:
:shock: :roll: :P :lol:
When were u in Fashion design btw? :? :roll:

[dev]

Lamby, I din't do fashion designing but we had a group of girls in our batch who were interested in FD... so avanga kooda serndhu adicha koothu...:lol: Adhu oru alagiya nila kaalam... :musicsmile: :(

[sarna_blr]

Lamby, I din't do fashion designing but we had a group of girls in our batch who were interested in FD... so avanga kooda serndhu adicha koothu...:lol: Adhu oru alagiya nila kaalam... :musicsmile: :(

:shock: girls vEshti kattunaangalaa? ... adhuvum zip vachchu... :roll:

[Shakthiprabha.]

9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.

:D

[dev]

Lamby, I din't do fashion designing but we had a group of girls in our batch who were interested in FD... so avanga kooda serndhu adicha koothu...:lol: Adhu oru alagiya nila kaalam... :musicsmile: :(

:shock: girls vEshti kattunaangalaa? ... adhuvum zip vachchu... :roll:

Naanga aangal kashttathai purinju avangalukkaaga veshti design panna try panninom... :P

[sarna_blr]

Lamby, I din't do fashion designing but we had a group of girls in our batch who were interested in FD... so avanga kooda serndhu adicha koothu...:lol: Adhu oru alagiya nila kaalam... :musicsmile: :(

:shock: girls vEshti kattunaangalaa? ... adhuvum zip vachchu... :roll:

Naanga aangal kashttathai purinju avangalukkaaga veshti design panna try panninom... :P

oic...

[Shakthiprabha.]

dev

:D

[dev]

:D