A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[MADDY]

Speaking parrot:

once a lady and her daughter were so impressed by a parrot on sale in an exhibition that they wanted to buy it at any cost....but the salesman warned that the parrot was acquired from a prostitution centre and might speak bad words.........woman and daughter threw that advice out of window and took the parrot home......they tried speaking to it but parrot would reply in bad words only..........the lady's son arrives home, parrot abuses him too with words..........they were a bit unhappy abt this parrot......then the lady's husband walks in , parrot exclaims "hi john, long time-aa?"

[NOV]

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

[NOV]

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

[NOV]

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!

[NOV]

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

[Thalafanz]

NOV bro :rotfl: :thumbsup:

[Sanguine Sridhar]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit.

[sarna_blr]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit.

Culture :2thumbsup:

[Wibha]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit.

Ultimate :rotfl: :rotfl2: :rotfl:

[sarna_blr]

T. Rajendar was deeply in love with a English girl,
whom he wanted to marry,but he did not have the
courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to
write a letter to her.

THIS IS WHAT HE WROTE......

My Darling,
Most worthy of your estimation,
after a long consideration
and much meditation,
I have a strong inclination
to become your relation.

As to my educational qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication,
that I have passed my matriculation,
no doubt without any hesitation
and very little concentrated preparation.

What you say to the solemnization
of our marriage celebration
according to the population
of the present generation..

On your approbation
of this application,
I shall make preparation
to improve my situation,
and if such obligation
is worthy of consideration
and commiseration,
it will be an augmentation
of the joy and exultation
of our joint dissimulation.

Thanking you in anticipation
and with devotion.
I remain, A victim of your fascination.

Forever
Your Lover





SHE WROTE :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,
what about my graduation after a long botheration,
so improve situation in education
and make an application by acquisition
of post graduation and minimum qualification
for the convocation and before taking your photo for
circulation undergo beautification.
Further strict observation of the following conditions is the
regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my
connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a
victim of any fascination and,
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of a solid action
instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain,
Unaffected by your affection.

[NOV]

Please tell me "WHY"


1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes

[NOV]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[NOV]

Some humorous sign ads

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... cheap....... ....no strings attached.


Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.


When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.


Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."


Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.


The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.


A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.


Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

[crazy]

TR :rotfl:

[NOV]

I wrote your name on sand it got washed away.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name in my heart & I got a heart ttack.:cry:


God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created you. :(


Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far. :o


The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?:mrgreen:


Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you:devil:

[NOV]

The IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence? " He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence? "

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.


"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.



When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

[NOV]

Wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. Although she didnt tell him in as many words, she was expecting the latest model of her dream car.

But her husband presented her with something very different.
He gave her a personal weighing scale.

Now, the husband is in a critical but stable condition in ICU. Visiting hours are between 6pm to 7pm.

[NOV]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.


2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them.


4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!


17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


18 . Procrastinate Now!


19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?


20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.


22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.


25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.


26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.


28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.


29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[NOV]

The Glass Ceiling
(Sad, but True)

How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll prove his performance.

The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?

9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.

SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.

10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.

SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?


12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.

[crazy]

:roll:

[Designer]

The Traveller

A traveller had just booked in at a hotel and was unpacking his luggage in his room on the 14th floor.

Suddenly the door opened, a bellboy rushed in and shouted, "Mr.Santa, your wife and daughter have both been killed in a car accident!"

The traveller felt very saddened and desolate on hearing this, and concluded he had nothing more left to live for.

He decided to commit suicide and so, once the bellboy left the room, he went to the balcony, climbed on the railings and jumped out.

While falling down, as he reached the 10th floor, he remembered that he didn't have a daughter at all.

As he reached the 6th floor, he remembered that he was as yet unmarried and so couldn't possibly have a wife either.

While almost nearing the ground floor, he remembered that his name was not Santa!

[Designer]

Rules For Managers :

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic .

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

[NOV]

Newton's laws of LOVE


First law:

A boy in love with a girl continues to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy continues to be in love with him, until and unless any external agent(brother or father of the girl) comes into play and breaks the legs of the boy.


Second law:

The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to his bank balance.


Third law:

The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.


Universal law:

Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be transfered from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

[NOV]

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

[NOV]

The average man's life consists of :

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

[NOV]

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[NOV]

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!

[NOV]

Lalu spoke in love, "Why don't you and I go to some place where there is nobody."

Pyari flirted, "You won't make any mischief with me there, would you?"

Lalu assured in fright, "Not at all"

Pyari angered, "Then why the hell you want to go to there?"

[NOV]

Always listen to your wife, she gives sound advice :

99% Sound and 1% Advice

[Wibha]

repeated jokes :roll: 4-5 of them :?

maathinga NOV :twisted: :evil:

[sarna_blr]

repeated jokes :roll: 4-5 of them :?

maathinga NOV :twisted: :evil:

Vaazhga Thamizh :P

[ajithfederer]

:rotfl:


repeated jokes :roll: 4-5 of them :?

maathinga NOV :twisted: :evil:

Vaazhga Thamizh :P

[ajithfederer]

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try understand her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Thanks Ramakrishna :lol:

[Querida]

:roll: REPEATS!!! :roll:

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into theiceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Thalafanz]

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

[directhit]

since its a season of repeats :roll:

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

[ksen]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[NOV]

:rotfl:

:thumbsup: ksen :lol:

[NOV]

Enjoy the jokes below.
But to be honest, I gave up after reading the first few tens... :roll:



100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman

1. Working / Earning not mandatory.

2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.



9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips

11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.

12. Easy to get a ride.

13. Men hold the door open for us.

14. Jewels looks good on us.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.

30. We can cry in public. Men cant.

31. We don't feel shy to cry.

32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.

33. Sweat is sexy on us.

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.

36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.

37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.

39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41. We know how to make up stories.

42. We're better arguers.

43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.

45. We're better parents.

46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48. We're flexible.

49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.

50. Easy to make friendships.

51. Much easy to get a date.

52. Men have to be in uniform.

53. We can do makeup anywhere

54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.

55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.

56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.

57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).

58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.

59. Better tips.

60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting

61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.

62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!

63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.

64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.

66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.

67. We are always smart.

68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.

70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71. Women sweat less.

72. Women smell better.

73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards

74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.

76. We can be late to the office.

77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78. We're better gossips.

79. We have better fashion sense.

80. We're better shoppers.

81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.

83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)

84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.

85. We don't have to drive when on a date.

86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.

87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.

88. Don't have to maintain great physique.

89. Women look better naked

90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.

92. Women do less time for violent crimes.

93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.

95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.

96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"

97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99. Women are sexier.

100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!

[Thalafanz]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! He's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say. :lol:

[rocketboy]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Thalafanz]

:rotfl:

[ajithfederer]

:rotfl2: :rotfl2: :rotfl: :lol:

[Shakthiprabha.]

Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

[ajithfederer]

I don't know about others, but this is the first time i am coming across them :oops: :P

Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

[Vivasaayi]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

:lol: :lol:

[Ramakrishna]

Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

ipdi thaan :lol: :lol:

[Shakthiprabha.]

Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

ipdi thaan :lol: :lol:

:hammer:

[ajithfederer]

Paaps :rotfl:



Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

ipdi thaan :lol: :lol:

:hammer:

[Shakthiprabha.]

:D

[Wibha]

Sameeeeeeeee jokes on women!
ane every time
all of u manage a big laugh :?

how?

seriously... :?

[Querida]

100 reasons...and still it puts women in a bad light... :roll:
Ladies let us forgive those who are too easy to amuse :P

*Bumper Stickers*

Welcome to America ..... Now speak English

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself...

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control

[NOV]

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $200,000. For a female brain, $500,000."

Some of the younger female relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the women nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price betweem male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Men's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

[NOV]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[NOV]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[ajithfederer]

:rotfl:


On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Querida]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst ever time there with a woman."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

[NOV]

Long ago, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, forgot laughter was called "saint."

Today such people are called.. "IT professionals."

[NOV]

A sentence on the back of a Biker's T Shirt :

"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off."

[NOV]

Most Relationships fail not because of absence of love.

Love is always present.. Its just that, one loves too much and and the other loves too many.

[NOV]

Employee: Boss, Now I have got a baby, please increase my salary.

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

[NOV]

At the beginning of married life, every woman treats her husband as GOD.

Later on somehow the letters get reversed..!

[NOV]

Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer."

That is why so many of us are speechless when lecturers ask us questions.

[NOV]

Guy: Do you have any cards with sentimental love quotes?

Shopkeeper: Oh sure. How about this card; it says "To the only girl I love."

Guy: That's sounds good. Give me 12 of them.

[NOV]

After reading the form filled by an applicant, the employer said: " WE do have an opening for you. Its called the "door!"

[NOV]

A signboard in front of an IT company says:

Drive Slowly, don't kill our employees. Leave them to us.

[crazy]

At the beginning of married life, every woman treats her husband as GOD.

Later on somehow the letters get reversed..!


:rotfl:

[Wibha]

NOV did u realize you've been posting the SAME JOKES over and over and over :? :?

i'm sure ur running outta them

[Querida]

Most Relationships fail not because of absence of love.

Love is always present.. Its just that, one loves too much and and the other loves too many.

That's not funny! That's just plain sad. :x

[Querida]

Here's some NEW :P jokes...which we seem to be missing these days!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Querida]

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel

[NOV]

Here's some NEW :P jokes...which we seem to be missing these days!some thing is "new" if we have not heard before. :poke:

your redneck joke was formerly islamic militant joke. :sigh2:

[NOV]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or vodka, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service .

[crazy]

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel

interesting, funny and sad

[NOV]

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ' What is it? '

The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'


Moral of the story: Husbands always respect the rule of law.

[NOV]

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

[NOV]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open
heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery
to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could
help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[crazy]

:lol:

[Querida]

:lol:

[ajithfederer]

This is a OLD joke :oops:

Here's some NEW :P jokes...which we seem to be missing these days!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Shakthiprabha.]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst ever time there with a woman."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

:rotfl2:

[Querida]

This is a OLD joke :oops:


Well i certainly cannot speak for everyone :roll: so then post what is not AN old joke :poke:

************************************************** ***
Two foolish carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
************************************************** **

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, "Those little buggers!"

************************************************** *

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[NOV]

To: Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
John Hillary (HR Manager)

[podalangai]

[tscii:651c43eeb3]Are you a true Tamilian?

You are a true Tamilian only if:

1. You arrive one hour late to a party and find out you are the first one to arrive.

2. You wear a suit to a wedding… and you are only 3 years old.

3. The wedding takes an hour and the group pictures take five hours.

4. Your mom and sister together own more jewellery than a Chinese jewellery store.

5. Your parents’ idea of a vacation is to visit the temples in India .

6. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.

7. The minute your guests leave the house, your parents start talking about them.

8. You are somehow related to every new friend you meet.

9. Your remote control is still in its plastic packet.

10. You get a 95% on an exam and your parents ask "What happened to the other 5%?!"

11. You stare at Tamil people when they walk by.

12. You see married couples kissing on TV but have never your parents within 3 feet of each another.

13. Your mother has a minor dispute with her sister-in law and doesn’t talk to her for 10 years.

14. You go to a party and your aunt comments on how your skin colour has changed.

15. You watch your cousin's wedding tape and all the songs from Roja are dubbed into it.

16. When the teacher took attendance and there was a sudden pause, you put your hand up and said ‘here.’

17. You shortened your name to make it sound Anglo-Indian.

18. Your aunties tease you about a particularly eligible cousin… and you like it!!!

19. You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar.

20. You only stop putting more rice on your guests dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop.

21. Anytime you speak back to your parents, you get: "I toiled my life for you, and this is how you repay me?!"
- "Naanga ippadi khasta pattathukku nee ithuvum solluvae ithukku melayum solluvae!"

22. If you are a girl, you are expected to come home before dark - however if it’s a son, "Seri raja, jaakirathaiya poitu vaa…’

23. Halfway through your shower you realize that your Head and Shoulders shampoo is gone and has been replaced by Siyakkai shampoo

24. You walk in to another Tamil family’s house and they have the same furniture and dining set as yours.

Last but not least

25. You are a true Tamilian if you forward this mail to another Tamilian.[/tscii:651c43eeb3]

[P_R]

[tscii:ea5e94b12e]

2. You wear a suit to a wedding… and you are only 3 years old.

12. You see married couples kissing on TV but have never your parents within 3 feet of each another.

15. You watch your cousin's wedding tape and all the songs from Roja are dubbed into it.


:rotfl:[/tscii:ea5e94b12e]

[Roshan]

[tscii:5ff2b430cf]


13. Your mother has a minor dispute with her sister-in law and doesn’t talk to her for 10 years.

19. You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar.

20. You only stop putting more rice on your guests dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop.



:lol: :lol: [/tscii:5ff2b430cf]

[NOV]

A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?

Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

[NOV]

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!


A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

[NOV]

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.

[NOV]

Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?

Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.

[NOV]

Banta says I love you to his girl friend and then suddenly falls on the floor.

Girl Friend: What is this?

Banta: Oh ji, I'm falling in love!

[crazy]

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!


A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

:lol: :lol:

[directhit]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

[littlemaster1982]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[ajithfederer]

:rotfl:

[Querida]

:lol:

Patient to his psychiatrist: Doctor, I can't remember anything! I forgot what happened yesterday. I forgot what my car looks like. I can't even remember my own name.
Psychiatrist: How long have you had this problem?

Patient: What problem?

************************************************** ***

A man and his wife were having difficulties with their memory. A relative gave them the name of a doctor who was reputed to have great success in helping people with memory problems. They decided to go. A few weeks later they were chatting with a friend about this, and told him it was working.
The man said he was having problems with his memory also, and asked for the name of the doctor.

The husband said, "You'll have to help me here a little with my memory technique. Uh, let's see, a flower, long stem, uh, thorns....."

"Rose," the man guessed.

"That's it," the husband said, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that doctor?"

[NOV]

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... On a Saturday morning... after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable.You have to limit the use of the phone.I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here,I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too,I never use the home phone.I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So - what is the problem?We all use our work telephones !!!!!

[NOV]

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

[NOV]

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

[NOV]

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

[NOV]

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[NOV]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

[NOV]

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

[NOV]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

[Querida]

Well NOV you asked for it: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! :bluejump: :P

[ajithfederer]

So you ran out of jokes today ?? :lol2: :cry: :P

Well NOV you asked for it: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! :bluejump: :P

[Querida]

So you ran out of jokes today ?? :lol2: :cry: :P

Well NOV you asked for it: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! :bluejump: :P

Just cause you asked Stanny :P
************************************************** ***
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[sarna_blr]

http://selvaspeaking.blogspot.com/2008/08/blog-post_20.html

முஷாரஃப் பதவி விலகுவாராவின் மேல் ஒரு எறும்பு ஒட்டியிருந்தது. எத்தனை எறும்பு வயிற்றுக்குள் போச்சோ?

[P_R]

"The tooth fairy will never believe this!" :rotfl: :rotfl2:

[NOV]

To a business husband traveling to India and back,
Wife started reminding him how to benefit from such trips, buy and bring things for cheap from foreign.

She said, "When you are in India buy a few Sarees for me,
On your way back when you stop at Dubai,
Buy lots of jewelleries for me.
And when you stop at Paris buy some perfumes for me."

The annoyed husband asked, "Yes, and when I stop at Hell what do I buy for you?"
The smiling wife said, "Just bring your Videos for our watching together!"

[NOV]

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

[NOV]

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

[NOV]

A wife with near maturing pregnan! Cy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

[NOV]

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

[padmanabha]

[tscii:b3291b4340]How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24.. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

































VERY SIMPLE……

:)


Small Smile











[/tscii:b3291b4340]

[Querida]

even in jokes...there should atleast be an ounce of truth :roll:

i'd like to see a man survive only on smiles.... :twisted:

[NOV]

i'd like to see a man survive only on smiles.... :twisted:small smile is author speak.... since this is a family site, padmanabha is not stating the obvious. :poke:

[chevy]

even in jokes...there should atleast be an ounce of truth :roll:

i'd like to see a man survive only on smiles.... :twisted: :notworthy: :clap: :cool2:

[chevy]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." :)

[Designer]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
:lol:




A man and his wife were having difficulties with their memory. A relative gave them the name of a doctor who was reputed to have great success in helping people with memory problems. They decided to go. A few weeks later they were chatting with a friend about this, and told him it was working.
The man said he was having problems with his memory also, and asked for the name of the doctor.

The husband said, "You'll have to help me here a little with my memory technique. Uh, let's see, a flower, long stem, uh, thorns....."

"Rose," the man guessed.

"That's it," the husband said, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that doctor?"
:lol:



A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
:lol2:

[NOV]

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you.

NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
I repeat: "Please take only one drop ony"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..

The wife looks at the husband and says: "You go first."

So the husband opens the bottle and takes a drop, thereafter the wife follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her father young and charming, cradling a baby on his arm.

The father proceeds to tell his daughter how the potion worked and made him look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her mother.

"Your mother, my child, got so jealous that I was young and good-looking, so she drank the whole bottle."

"So where is she?"

"Oh see, I am carrying her."

[chevy]

hahaha

[directhit]

[tscii:4ca4f3744a]Vatican debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."[/tscii:4ca4f3744a]

[NOV]

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?


Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.


Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!


Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?


Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.


Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?


Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.


Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!


Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?


Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).


Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

[NOV]

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)

Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)

Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)

Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)

Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)

Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)

Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)

Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)

Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)

Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)

Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)

Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)

Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)

Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)

Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)

Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)

Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)

Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)

Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

[directhit]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."


"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."


"He died of a broken neck."


"A broken neck?"


"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Querida]

:twisted: :lol:

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. 
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. 



Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. 



The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to spend the night with me too?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. 



When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Lambretta]

:shock: :roll:

Geez, I wonder if SG-based chinese who have all english names know this! :roll: :oops:


Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)

Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)

Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)

Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)

Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)

Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)

Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)

Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)

Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)

Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)

Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)

Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)

Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)

Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)

Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)

Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)

Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)

Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)

Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

[Querida]

//Dig ....wow Lambretta who is the beauty adorning your avatar?//

[directhit]

[tscii:fe2c516059]In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. "See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!"[/tscii:fe2c516059]

[NOV]

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

[NOV]

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

[NOV]

Male or Female

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

[NOV]

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

[ksen]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming:
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything you are not.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you:
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes :
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away:
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell:
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

[rangan_08]

In Tamilnadu , there is a well known person by name , Mr. Jappier, Chairman of Sathyabama deemed university and some more self financing colleges , always speaks in English. That college students have collected & published a book by name "Jappier's Spoken English"
... Njoy ...........with his..............English..............

Now , here are some classic English sentences from the great
"Jappier's Spoken English"


# At the ground:
-----------------

All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her...{Means: girl with specs please come here).


# While punishing students:
-----------------------
You , rotate the ground four times...
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)


# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
-----------------------
Every body should wear dress to college
Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only slawar no nitee.
Girls should not wear T sirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear .... remove it when inside the campus and put it oout side the campus


# Sir at his best:
---------------
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"


# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
----------------------------------------------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....




Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences ...

Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached , the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).


At Sathyabama college day 2002:

"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy , tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"


At St. Josephs college of engineering fresh years day 2003:

"No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police "

[Meera-ssg]

Three of you stand together seperately
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

:lol2:


Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor

:lol2:



"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy , tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"

:lol2:

[NOV]

A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

[NOV]

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

[NOV]

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.

Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral : BE SPECIFIC

[NOV]

What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?

It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

[NOV]

Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

[littlemaster1982]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[viraajan]

A hen lays an egg at the Pak-Ind border.

An Indian and A Pakistan fight for the egg and come to a deal. Indian says whoever kisses more women in the other country wins the egg. Pakistani agrees.

Indians went to Pak and kissed 10000 girls. Pakistanis were excited and said "It's our turn". Now indian said "keep the egg with you"

[ajithfederer]

:lol: :lol: :rotfl:

[NOV]

Old one but nevertheless :rotfl2: and useful :lol2:
12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

*********
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

*********
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

*********
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

*********

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

*********
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

*********
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

*********
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

*********
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

*********
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

*********

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

*********
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers) .

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

[rangan_08]

A serious joke... :roll:

Woody Allen in Love & Death.

" To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope your'e getting this down..."

[directhit]

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[rangan_08]

:lol: .. neththiyadi...

[NOV]

Two men were walking down the street when one spotted six men punching his mom-in-law.

'Aren't you going to help?' asked his friend.

'No, six should be enough,' he replied

[NOV]

[tscii:6f379ff62e]Urgent vacancy for the post of Girl Friend !!


Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.

Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.

Age : 18-26 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexion no bar, but is subjective.

Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
· 2 gifts worth not exceeding RM 2000/-(no precious metals, stones)
· bike rides each duration 1 hour
· trips to Beautiful and QUIET Locations
· 5 Trips to London / Paris
· Langkawi / Tioman at a regular gap of 5 days
· Daily Provision of KFC/Mee Mamak/Mac Burger/Roti Canai/Nasi Lemak/StarBuck Coffee worth RM10 /-
· 4 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)
· Visits to Shopping Malls and Jewelry Shops every Weekend (At your own expense)

A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.

Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)

Plz NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.

There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc.

Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.

Search, never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with

Subject:
Name/fresher- exp/age.
Photo must be in attachment. to the email address via mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected[/tscii:6f379ff62e]

[directhit]

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[NOV]

The Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade esecially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.

[Querida]

[tscii:bd8fd657f7]This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. Still working on that makeup! As a man, I don’t scare easily, but she scared me so much
I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my hand
In all the confusion of trying to straighten the car
Using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
My cell phone away from my ear
This fell into the coffee
Between my legs
And I got burned
Splashed,
And burned me,
Ruined the darn phone
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call!



Stupid women drivers!!!
[/tscii:bd8fd657f7]

[NOV]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?

If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[NOV]

Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

[NOV]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is Struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time. No one moves. ...
He removes his shirt. ... Muscles ripple across his chest. ... She gasps....He whispers..."Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[NOV]

Some truths about life that children have learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
You can't trust dogs to watch your food
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap

[NOV]

Some truths about life that adults have learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
Wrinkles don't hurt
Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

[NOV]

Truths about life about growing old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone

[rangan_08]

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

[rangan_08]

Mayawati got Amul Milk modelling assignment, so she posed with buffaloes. Newspapers published the pictures with caption - " Mayawati, 3rd from left".

[ksen]

A modern day Birbal ki kahani...


An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile. A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

[P_R]

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.' :lol:

[directhit]

Investigating a terrible accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

[Querida]

Thanx for cleaning up that joke directhit :P

************************************************** ***

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Milly! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Milly turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[Designer]

Life after death :

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?

EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

BOSS : "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you!

[Designer]

Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Louis XV meet up in the astral plane for a chat.

All being great military leaders in their day, they decided to visit earth to see how war has changed.

They are just amazed by the modern battlefield in Iraq.

"If I had had just a few of these tanks," says Alexander the Great, "I could have conqured all of India!"

"Incredible!", says Louis XV, "and if I had had just a few of these airplanes, I could have finished the Seven Years War in just weeks!"

"Amazing!", says Napoleon, "and if I had had FoxNews nobody would have ever heard about my defeat in Russia!"

[Sanguine Sridhar]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Querida]

Hmmm nice move switching genders at punchline...that's right...:P

************************************************** ***

Mr.Ivanov, a Russian engineer is caught on the streets by the KGB, brought with a black car to the secret headquarters for interrogation...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I live on Stalin Street, number 9"

After a few hours he gets beaten up and asked again...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I told you, I live at Stalin Street number 9"

He gets beaten up, tortured and thrown into a chamber...

The next day he gets asked again, then beaten up again and so on...

After a week of beating and torturing, the KGB agents think he's crazy and let him go home...

When Mr.Ivanov arrives to his building, his neighbour, and old lady whispers to him: "Psst! Mr.Ivanov! There were a couple of agents here, several times this week, they were asking whether you lived here. But don't worry Mr.Ivanov, I told them I never heard about you!"

[directhit]

:lol:

[NOV]

Wacky Greeting Cards For Unloved Ones!


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

[NOV]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember

[NOV]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

[NOV]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[NOV]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[NOV]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[NOV]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[NOV]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[NOV]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[NOV]

'Sometimes when I reflect on all the wine I have consumed, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

[NOV]

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

[NOV]

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

[NOV]

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

[NOV]

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

[NOV]

'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

[P_R]

[tscii:c70e760c7a]
'Sometimes when I reflect on all the wine I have consumed, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy :-)

Some WC Fields quotes...


Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I don't drink water. Fish poop in it.

I never wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a drunk. Now I'm neither, but nobody can tell the difference.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon— and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake— which I also keep handy.

Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time."
WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."

And this one is my favourite:

What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

:rotfl:[/tscii:c70e760c7a]

[sarna_blr]

.A Common message to everyone who says drinking is bad. Here are the advantages of each brand that people drink.

DCSL EXTRA SPECIAL Protects your heart, prevents constipation, Blocks diarrhea , Improves lung capacity , Cushions joints .

WHITE DIAMOND Combats cancer, Controls blood pressure ,Saves your eyesight , Shields against Alzheimer's , Slows aging process .

BLUE LABEL Aids digestion , Lowers cholesterol , Protects your heart , Stabilizes blood sugar, Guards against liver disease.

DOUBLE DISTILLED Battles diabetes , Lowers cholesterol , Helps stops strokes , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin .

OLD RESERVE Protects your heart , Quiets a cough , Strengthens bones ,Controls blood pressure , Blocks diarrhea .

RITZ Prevents constipation , Helps hemorrhoids , Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Stabilizes blood sugar.

RICHORT Controls blood pressure , Combats cancer ,Strengthens bones , Protects your heart , Aids weight loss.

HANNEPIER Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Stabilizes blood sugar , Boosts memory , Prevents constipation.

FRANKLIN Strengthens bones , Saves eyesight , Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure .

VSO Combats cancer , Prevents constipation , Promotes weight loss , Protects your heart , Helps hemorrhoids .

GALLERY Saves eyesight , Controls blood pressure , Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Supports immune system .

RED RUM Saves eyesight , Protects your heart , Prevents constipation , Combats cancer , Promotes weight loss .

DARK RUM Protects against Prostate Cancer , Combats Breast Cancer , Strengthens bones , Banishes bruises , Guards against heart disease .

HANSEN Protects your heart , Combats Cancer , Ends insomnia , Slows aging process , Shields against Alzheimer's .

BLACK WHITE Promotes weight loss , Protects your heart , Lowers cholesterol , Combats Cancer , Controls blood pressure .

RED LABEL Aids digestion , Soothes sore throat , Clears sinuses , Combats Cancer , Boosts immune system .

BLACK LABEL Promotes weight loss , Helps stops strokes , Lowers cholesterol , Combats Cancer , Controls blood pressure .

GOLD LABEL Protects your heart , Boosts memory , Protects your heart , Combats Cancer , Supports immune system .

CHIVAS REGAL Aids digestion , Battles diabetes , Protects your heart , Improves mental health , Boosts immune system .

GRANTS Lowers cholesterol , Controls blood pressure , Combats cancer , kills bacteria , Fights fungus .

GREEN LABEL Protects against heart attacks , Promotes Weight loss , Helps stops strokes , Combats Prostate Cancer , Lowers cholesterol .

REMUS MARTIN saves eyesight , Conquers kidney stones ,Combats cancer , Enhances blood flow , Protects your heart .

V&A Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Helps stops strokes , Promotes Weight loss , Kills bacteria .

NAPOLEON Heals wounds , Aids digestion , Guards against ulcers , Increases energy , Fights allergies .

MENDIS Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin , Stops scurvy .

LEMON GIN Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin , Stops scurvy .

ORANGE GIN Combats cancer , Boosts memory , Regulates thyroid aids digestion , Shields against Alzheimer's .

WHITE GIN Controls blood pressure , Lowers cholesterol , Kills bacteria , Combats cancer , Strengthens bones .

DRY GIN Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Battles diabetes , prevents constipation ,Smoothes skin .

CLASIC RUM Protects your heart , Promotes Weight loss ,Combats cancer , Battles diabetes , Smoothes skin .

VODKA Reduce risk of heart attack , Combats cancer , Kills bacteria , Lowers cholesterol , Fights fungus .

SMIRNOFF Supports immune systems , Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Straightens respiration .

GALETINE prevents constipation , Combats cancer , Helps stops strokes , aids digestion , Helps hemorrhoids .

GOLD COIN Protects against heart disease , Promotes Weight loss , Combats Prostate Cancer , Lowers cholesterol ,Aggravates
diverticulitis .

BACARDI Strengthens bones , Relieves colds , Aids digestion Dissolves warts , Blocks diarrhea .

WHITE RUM Slows aging process , prevents constipation , boosts memory , Lowers cholesterol , Protects against heart disease .

ILICITY ARACK Protects your heart , Battles diabetes , Conquers kidney stones , Combats cancer , Helps stops strokes .

POT ARRACK Combats cancer , Protects your heart .



Remember - Your Friends health is as important as yours - do not forget to call them while taking THIS !!!

[littlemaster1982]

[tscii:f3124bfb36]Real 911 calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

[/tscii:f3124bfb36]

[NOV]

Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist at home & devil in bed.
But what they get is an artist in kitchen, devil at home & economist in bed.

[NOV]

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

[NOV]

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

[NOV]

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?

Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter.

[NOV]

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

[NOV]

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

[NOV]

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

[NOV]

Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?

Santa: In 3 months.

[NOV]

Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"

Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[padmanabha]

A donkey kicked sardarjee :D

He chased it for long and on his way he saw a zebra and started beating it

"arae...track suit pahenkar hamein dhokka dhe rahae ho"

[NOV]

Why do Bride & Groom exchange Malai during wedding ?

To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead !

[NOV]

Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman

After Marriage: Gentleman

After 10 years: Watchman

After 20 years: Doberman

[NOV]

Why Dogs and Women are alike?

Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing.

[NOV]

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

[NOV]

On Kaur's birthday Santa had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Kaur said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank manager.

[NOV]

What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

[NOV]

Lady to her maid: " Oh Susila, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

Susila:" I don't believe it! You are just saying that to make me jealous!"

[app_engine]

[tscii:332f5fc081]From msn.com, in an article about why people should save for retirement:
========================
If you're turning the corner into your sixth decade, you've probably heard the jokes about getting older. The ones that start, "You know you're 50 when …":

The elevator is playing your favorite song.

Dinner and a movie are the whole date, not just the warm-up.

You look like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

You throw a party and the neighbors don't call the cops. In fact, they don't even realize you had a party.
================================[/tscii:332f5fc081]

[NOV]

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television.

But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman.

She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

The man rethought his priorities.

[NOV]

Types of Girls


CD-ROM GIRLS
She is always faster and faster.


EMAIL GIRLS
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .


HARD DISK GIRLS
she remembers everything, FOREVER


INTERNET GIRLS
Difficult to access


MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She make horrible thing look beautiful


SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun


RAM GIRLS
she forget about you, the moment turn her off


WINDOW GIRLS
everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.


VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything...

[viraajan]

Quickly fill in the blanks:

Your Name: __________
Your % in your degree/X/XII std: _________
Your Gender: ______

Done???????

Now, read only the answers....
Me :yessir:

[NOV]

:huh:
I got 100% marks? whats so funny?

[viraajan]

:huh:
I got 100% marks? whats so funny?

neenga buthisaali. ungala madiri varuma :yessir:

//eppadi ellam samaalika vendi irukku :(

[directhit]

[tscii:d66201a5d5]Happy Birthday
Two guys were talking at work.

"I’ve got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!" [/tscii:d66201a5d5]

[vibinrajmani]

GRADUATE LIFE

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman by my side." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

[rangan_08]

Husband : When I fight with you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger ?

Wife : I clean the toilet.

Husband : How does that help ?

Wife : I use your tooth brush.

[directhit]

[tscii:a8d7179213]Only 3 times

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question"

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times"

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan. Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you. Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my God! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."[/tscii:a8d7179213]

[directhit]

Young Salesman

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[directhit]

New York Year 2032
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but approximately
31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his
father: "Daddy, what are Arabs?"

[directhit]

Wise Old Man
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

[directhit]

Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

[viraajan]

Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

:lol:

[viraajan]

Good SMS :)

It's a fact that when a baby is born. doctors slap its face to make it start breathing. But rare exceptional cases like you when born, doctor slaps himself!

:lol:

[NOV]

Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
************ ********* *****
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
************ ********* *****
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************ ********* *****
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
************ ********* *****
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
************ ********* *****
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
************ ********* *****
On an Electrician' s truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
************ ********* *****
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
************ ********* *****
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
************ ********* *****
At an Optometrist' s Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
************ ********* *****
On a Taxidermist' s window:
'We really know our stuff.'
************ ********* *****
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
************ ********* *****
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
************ ********* *****
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
************ ********* *****
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
************ ********* *****
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
************ ********* *****
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
************ ********* *****
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
************ ********* *
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

[directhit]

Blind man visiting Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[podalangai]

Top Ten Tips for Surviving the Financial Crisis by Maintaining a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At work, page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise Your Voice.

2. Every time someone asks you to do something, say "Nee enna engalodu vayilukku vandhaayaa, nARRu nattaayaa, kaLai paritthaayaa, alladhu kazhani vaaz uzhavarukku nee kanchikkalaiyam sumanthaaya? alladhu ni maamanaa, machchaanaa? Maanamkettavane!"

3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

4. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

7. Sing along loudly at kachcheris, preferably rocking your head vigorously.

8. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

9. When leaving the zoo, start running to the car park, yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

10. Tell your children over dinner: "Due To The Economy, We're Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

[ajithfederer]

Good guys get heaven

bad guys get women

:lol2: :yessir:

[Shakthiprabha.]

எனக்கு ஒரு சந்தேகம்...


நடனக் கலைன்னா டான்ஸ் ஆடறது.

ஓவியக் கலைன்னா படம் வரையறது.

அப்ப தவக்களைன்னா?


- நடு ரோட்டில் புரளாமல் படுத்துக் கொண்டு யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்


___________________


வடி கட்டின கஞ்சத்தனம்


சர்தாரின் வீடு தீப்பிடித்து விட்டது.

உடனே சர்தார் தீயணைப்பு நிலையத்துக்கு மிஸ்டு கால் கொடுத்தார்.

____________________

இன்றைய தத்துவம்


செருப்பு இல்லாம நாம நடக்கலாம்

ஆனா,

நாம இல்லாம செருப்பு நடக்க முடியாது.


- தீவிரமாக யோசிப்போர் சங்கம் (எங்களுக்கு வேறு எங்கும் கிளைகள் கிடையாது)

____________________



இன்றைய தத்துவம் 2


என்னதான் காலேஜ் பஸ் டெய்லி காலேஜ் போனாலும்,



அதால,



டிகிரி வாங்க முடியாது!!!

____________________



யூனிவர்ஸிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்ட்


யூனிவர்ஸிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்டா வர வழிகள்


நாலு மணிக்கு எந்திரிச்சு, பிரஷ் பண்ணிட்டு, குளுரா இருந்தாலும் குளிக்கனும். அஞ்சு மணியாய்டும். அம்மா, அப்பா, அக்கா யாரையாவது எழுப்புனா காபியோ டீயோ போட்டுத் தருவாங்க. டிவி போடுங்க. இளையராஜாவோட சாமி பாட்டு வரும். மனச ரிலாக்ஸ் பண்ணிக்கோங்க. ஆறு மணிக்கு கிளம்புங்க. ஆறரைக்கு யூனிவர்ஸிட்டி போயிரலாம். நீங்கதான் யுனிவர்ஸிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்ட்!!!


____________________


குங்குமம்


குங்குமம் - இந்த வாரம்



சந்தனம் - அடுத்த வாரம்!!!

____________________



மொழி'பெயர்ப்பு'

ICICI என்பதன் தமிழ் அர்த்தம் என்னவென்று உங்களுக்குத் தெரியுமா?

தெரியலையா?!?!


நான் பார்க்க நான் பார்க்க நான்

உங்கள் பொது(மொழி) அறிவை இன்னும் கொஞ்சம் இம்ப்ரூவ் பண்ணிக்கோங்க!!!

_________________


நாட்ட்ட்ட்டாமை....

பசுபதி : ஐயா...

நாட்டாமை : என்றா பசுபதி?

பசுபதி : 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13....

நாட்டாமை : அட என்றா??

பசுபதி : அதான் என்றோம்ல!!

நாட்டாமை : ?!?!

____________________



டப்பிங் படங்கள்


உங்கள் டீ.வியில் இந்த வாரம் புத்தம் புதிய டப்பிங் படங்கள்.

திங்கள் : ஆத்தா திரும்பி வாராங்க (The MUMMY Returns).

செவ்வாய் : எட்டுக்கால் எழுமலை (Spider Men)

புதன் : இது ஆவறதில்லை (Mission Impossible)

வியாழன் : கருவாப் பசங்க (Men in Black)

வெள்ளி : ஓட்டையாண்டி (Hollow Man)

____________________



சர்தார்

ஒருவன் : வெறும் வயித்துல எத்தனை இட்லி சாப்பிடுவீங்க?
சர்தார் : ஆறு இட்லி சாப்பிடுவேன்.
ஒருவன் : தப்பு! வெறும் வயித்துல உங்களால ஒரு இட்லிதான் சாப்பிட முடியும். ஏன்னா, இரண்டாவது இட்லி சாப்பிடும்பொழுது, அது வெறும் வயிறா இருக்காது!
சர்தார் : அட, சூப்பரா இருக்கே! நான் போய் என் ஃபிரெண்டுகிட்ட இதை கேட்கப் போறேன்.

சர்தார் : வெறும் வயித்துல எத்தனை இட்லி சாப்பிடுவே?
நண்பர் : என்னால பத்து இட்லி சாப்பிட முடியும்.
சர்தார் : சே, போடா! ஆறுன்னு சொல்லியிருந்தா சுப்பரா ஒன்னு சொல்லியிருப்பேன்.
____________________


சர்வே

தமிழ் நாட்டு பெண்களிடம் சமீபத்தில்
"நீங்கள் யோசிப்பவரை திருமணம் செய்து கொள்ள வேண்டுமா?"
என்று ஒரு சர்வே நடத்தப்பட்டது. அந்த சர்வேயின் முடிவுகள் கீழே.


7.53% - ஆம்.
0% - இல்லை.
92.47% - நாங்கள் அந்தளவுக்கு கொடுத்து வைத்தவர்களல்ல

____________________


சர்தார்

கைடு : சார், சார். அந்த சேர்ல உட்காராதீங்க. அது திப்பு சுல்தானோட சேர்.

சர்தார் : ஒன்னும் பிரச்சனையில்லை. அவர் வந்த உடனே நான் எழுந்திருச்சிருறேன்.

____________________



சர்தார்

ஆசிரியர் : 1869ல் என்ன நடந்தது?

சர்தார் : எனக்கு தெரியாது சார்.

ஆசிரியர் : மடையா! அந்த வருடம்தான் காந்திஜி பிறந்தார். சரி, அடுத்த கேள்வி! 1873ல் என்ன நடந்தது?

சர்தார் : காந்திஜிக்கு நாலு வயசு சார்!

____________________



சர்தார்ஜி

பாபு : அந்த துணி கடையில நம்ம சர்தார்ஜிய போட்டு அடிக்கிறாங்க?

கோபு : 1000 ரூபாய்க்கு எது வாங்கினாலும், ஒரு வாட்ச் ஃப்ரீன்னு போர்ட்ல பார்த்துட்டு, அந்த கடையில போய் 1000 ரூபாய்க்கு சில்லறை வாங்கிட்டு வாட்ச் கேட்டாராம்!!!


____________________


கரப்பான்


மூன்று கரப்பான் பூச்சிகள், ரோட்டில் போய் கொண்டிருந்தன. அப்பொழுது, திடீரென்று ஒரு கரப்பான்,

"வால மீனுக்கும், விலாங்கு மீனுக்கும்.." என்று பாட துவங்கியது. உடனே கூட வந்து கொண்டிருந்த இரண்டு பூச்சிகளும் செத்து போய்விட்டன.
ஏன் தெரியுமா?
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
ஏன்னா, அது "HIT" ஸாங்!!!

____________________



குறுக்கே

ஒருவன் : நான் எது செஞ்சாலும் என் பொண்டாட்டி குறுக்கே நிக்கிறா.

நண்பன் : கார் ஓட்டி பாரேன்.

____________________



இன்றைய தத்துவம் 3

பில் கேட்ஸோட பையனா இருந்தாலும்,

கழித்தல் கணக்கு போடும்போது,

கடன் வாங்கித்தான் ஆகனும்.

____________________



இம்சை அரசன் 24ம் புலிகேசி


அமைச்சர் : மன்னா! போருக்கு தயாராக சொல்லி பக்கத்து நாட்டு அரசன் ஓலை அனுப்பியுள்ளான்.

இ.அ.24.பு : ஐயகோ! இப்பொழுது என்ன செய்வது? ஆங்! "ஓலை sending failed" என்று திருப்பியனுப்பிவிடு.

____________________



இது யார் சொத்து?


போலீஸ் : ஏன்டா ராஸ்கல்! திருட்டு ரயிலேறியா சென்னை வரைக்கும் வந்தே?

சர்தார் : சார்! அது திருட்டு ரயில்ன்னு சத்தியமா எனக்கு தெரியாது. நான் அது கவர்மென்ட் ரயில்ன்னு நினைச்சுதான் ஏறினேன்.

[viraajan]

:clap: SP akka... Good collection....

Betw, andha survey joke enakku pruiyala :confused2:

[Shakthiprabha.]

avangalukku YOSIKKA theriyathaam :|

[P_R]

8. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

:lol:

[app_engine]

The whole MISC section is flooded with bad news and understandably quite sad and gloomy.

Still, we need some relief from such onslaught, at times, to have some balance.

Publishing a couple of arasu badhilkaL here :

q: ஏர் உழவன் சின்னத்தை சுப்ரமணிய சாமி இழந்து விட்டாரே?
a: சே, என்ன அநியாயம், அது மட்டும் கிடைத்திருந்தால் அவர் கட்சி அடுத்த தேர்தலில் இருநூறு இடங்களில் ஜெயித்திருக்குமே..

q: ரஜினி மறுபடி அல்வா கொடுத்து விட்டாரே?
a: நீங்கள் கேட்பதை நிறுத்தும் வரை அவர் கொடுத்துக் கொண்டேதான் இருப்பார்.


Another one that brought a smile to me:


The comment from a reader in Dinamalar on the news report about the alleged mirattal to JJ:

"இதுநாள் வரை அரசியல்வாதிகள் தான் பிறரை மிரட்டுவார்கள் என கருதி வந்தோம், இப்போது அவர்களையே மிரட்டவும் ஆட்கள் உள்ளனர் என்று தெரியும்போது, பலே, சபாஷ், சரியான போட்டி எனக்கூறத்தோன்றுகிறது.

[NOV]

Doctor implants new ear to a man.

Man: You fraud! You gave me a woman's ear!

Doctor: Come on, it makes no difference.

Man: It does. Now I can hear everything but understand nothing!

[NOV]

A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom.

To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".

Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".

[NOV]

Tell me why are you avoiding me these days?

Did I do anything wrong?

Please stay in touch with me atlest once in a day.

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Yours lovingly,
Bathing Soap

[NOV]

When maths teacher writes love letter !!

My Dear SweetHeart,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

[NOV]

An older Desi couple having taken all their past vacations either staying at home, or at friends' and relatives' homes in other cities decided now to stay in a top name luxury Hotel for an experience in a resort city and to cash an off-season discount coupon.

They came to the grandiose hotel, got their room keys and Bellman started escorting them.

A door opened, Husband and wife looked at each other with a big gasp.

Desi always devised their games to get better and more return for their money. The outspoken wife with tacit consent from the husband started blasting at the Bellman.

"You know we are from India. You can't fool us. You promise grand room, great view and this room does not even have a window, I don't see any bathroom. Do we have to toilet in the lobby? You think we don't know it. We have a distant cousin running a grocery store here in town, we will stay with them. I want to talk to your manager and we want our money back''

The bellman explained politely, "Ma'am this is not your room. This is just our elevator to take you to your room."

[NOV]

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.

A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.

She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.

The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."

The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."

The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

[NOV]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on thefloor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[directhit]

குறுக்கே

ஒருவன் : நான் எது செஞ்சாலும் என் பொண்டாட்டி குறுக்கே நிக்கிறா.

நண்பன் : கார் ஓட்டி பாரேன். :lol:

[rangan_08]

c1 : andha ENT doctor oru cinema payithiyama ? eppadi ?

c2 : Naaka muka doctor-nu boardla ezhudhi irukke....

(courtesy : kumudham)

[NOV]

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

[NOV]

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.

The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

[NOV]

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.

When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

[NOV]

My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

[NOV]

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

[NOV]

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

[NOV]

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

[NOV]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I have smoked, I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the cigarette & think about the workers in the cigarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don't smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this cigarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

[leosimha]

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

:lol: :rotfl:

[leosimha]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I have smoked, I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the cigarette & think about the workers in the cigarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don't smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this cigarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

:lol: