ab_123
1st May 2006, 03:30 AM
[tscii:062d828994]You all are very good writers, so I thought this would be a good place to get some constructive feedback on my 'attempt' at writing.
A Picure book is one that basically gives a child a visual experience, and is usually intended for pre-schoolers and children upto age 7 or so. It is about 32 pages long (with pictures), and requires more simple vocabulary for young children. These books depend on the drawings to do most of the descriptive narration. The story below is aimed at kids ages 4 -7. Please let me know your thoughts.
Jay loved sharks. He was playing with his toy sharks when his dad said, “Let’s go to the aquarium.” “What is an aquarium?” Jay inquired. “An aquarium is a place where people can go to see sea creatures,” answered his dad. “Can I see sharks there too?” he asked. “Yes you can,” replied his dad. “Yippee!” screamed Jay, hurrying out to the car.
There was a great deal to see at the aquarium! Turtles and eels swam swiftly. Dolphins flipped and made squeaky noises. Enormous whales glided though the water. Jellyfish floated around slowly. “Those are funny looking fish,” Jay thought.
However, he really wanted to see some sharks. “Could we please go and see the sharks now Daddy?” he asked, pacing back and forth. “Can you find the sign that says ‘Sharks’,” asked his dad. “S-H-A-R-K-S,” he read aloud, “That spells sharks Daddy. This way, this way,” said Jay, jumping up and down. They followed the sign that led to the sharks’ exhibit.
They saw a model of a great white shark. Jay felt its white and shiny belly. Beside it, there stood a model of a hammerhead shark. Jay held out his arms to measure how wide its head was. Next to that, there was a model of a thresher shark. He stroked its long and elegant tail. He posed for photos next to each of the models. “Look Daddy, the sharks are over there,” he said, running toward a large tank.
There was a black tip shark. Its fins had black edges. There was a white tip shark. Its fins had white edges. There was even a leopard shark. It had spots all over its body.
Jay was watching some tiny dwarf sharks swimming together, when two sandbar sharks went right past him. He gasped in surprise. “Look at their gills Daddy” Jay remarked.
There were several other sharks. Some were small and some were huge. Some sharks had rows of long sharp teeth and some sharks had small pointed teeth. Some sharks swam quickly and some sharks swam slowly.
“I would like to go diving someday,” thought Jay, “I will be able to see even more sharks.” He wondered what it would be like to hitch a ride on a friendly whale shark. “That would be lots of fun,” he thought.
“Time to leave Jay,” announced his dad, as they came to the end of the display. Jay knew that he would never forget what he had just experienced. He could not wait to tell his friends about everything he had seen in the aquarium, especially the sharks.
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A Picure book is one that basically gives a child a visual experience, and is usually intended for pre-schoolers and children upto age 7 or so. It is about 32 pages long (with pictures), and requires more simple vocabulary for young children. These books depend on the drawings to do most of the descriptive narration. The story below is aimed at kids ages 4 -7. Please let me know your thoughts.
Jay loved sharks. He was playing with his toy sharks when his dad said, “Let’s go to the aquarium.” “What is an aquarium?” Jay inquired. “An aquarium is a place where people can go to see sea creatures,” answered his dad. “Can I see sharks there too?” he asked. “Yes you can,” replied his dad. “Yippee!” screamed Jay, hurrying out to the car.
There was a great deal to see at the aquarium! Turtles and eels swam swiftly. Dolphins flipped and made squeaky noises. Enormous whales glided though the water. Jellyfish floated around slowly. “Those are funny looking fish,” Jay thought.
However, he really wanted to see some sharks. “Could we please go and see the sharks now Daddy?” he asked, pacing back and forth. “Can you find the sign that says ‘Sharks’,” asked his dad. “S-H-A-R-K-S,” he read aloud, “That spells sharks Daddy. This way, this way,” said Jay, jumping up and down. They followed the sign that led to the sharks’ exhibit.
They saw a model of a great white shark. Jay felt its white and shiny belly. Beside it, there stood a model of a hammerhead shark. Jay held out his arms to measure how wide its head was. Next to that, there was a model of a thresher shark. He stroked its long and elegant tail. He posed for photos next to each of the models. “Look Daddy, the sharks are over there,” he said, running toward a large tank.
There was a black tip shark. Its fins had black edges. There was a white tip shark. Its fins had white edges. There was even a leopard shark. It had spots all over its body.
Jay was watching some tiny dwarf sharks swimming together, when two sandbar sharks went right past him. He gasped in surprise. “Look at their gills Daddy” Jay remarked.
There were several other sharks. Some were small and some were huge. Some sharks had rows of long sharp teeth and some sharks had small pointed teeth. Some sharks swam quickly and some sharks swam slowly.
“I would like to go diving someday,” thought Jay, “I will be able to see even more sharks.” He wondered what it would be like to hitch a ride on a friendly whale shark. “That would be lots of fun,” he thought.
“Time to leave Jay,” announced his dad, as they came to the end of the display. Jay knew that he would never forget what he had just experienced. He could not wait to tell his friends about everything he had seen in the aquarium, especially the sharks.
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