Breaking up...

[rami]

[tscii:58d0fda4f8]Breaking up....

"Let's just be friends.”

Is it possible to be just friends ?

"Let's just be friends.”

The worst and yet the most common line in the history of break-ups, and it was coming my way. “No, we can't just be friends,” I wanted to say. “We've been through so much together, and knowing how I still feel about you, how can you even suggest such a thing?” was what was on my mind.

“Sure,” was what I said, instead.

There were two inherent reasons for my choosing to go along with him, other than the fact that it was the best one word response I could think of at that time. First, of course, the gravity of the situation escaped me at that moment, and 'friends' I felt was a loose enough term to suggest that we would be keeping in touch, though about what I did not dare to question at that point. Second and more importantly, I felt that something was better than nothing, and if I said no now, I was likely to lose him entirely.

Yes, saying 'yes' was surely the right way to go.

Now, the very concept of friends who were previously in a relationship needs to be more clearly defined. If we go out together, would it be a date or would we be hanging out? How often can I expect to hear from him now that the relationship rights have been revoked, and yes, of course, the most important of all -- how am I expected to react if he tells me about or introduces me to his new girlfriend? Complex situations, which require simple answers.

No, this may not quite have been the right way to go.

My distress was compounded further by the fact that every time we spoke, he would not only bring up the past, but discuss it at length and create issues about things that were in effect no longer relevant. 'Analysis paralysis' I believe it's called in technical terms. On top of all this, I wasn't quite getting the hang of 'chilling' on the relationship that, of course, was now a friendship, and I found myself too worried, too hassled and too involved in the things he said and did.

Dear, oh dear, this is certainly not turning out to be the right way to go.

Distress morphed into desperation as we began drifting apart. No, wait a second. He was the one drifting and I was the one holding on.

“Why haven't you been replying to my mails?” I pestered, one day.

“I've been busy,” he replied matter of factly.

“Too busy to send me back even a one-liner?” I snapped.

Oops, was there a line somewhere there that I had just stepped over? By the look on his face, I'd say there probably was. The lines were hazy, the rules unwritten and the mistakes were piling up.

I don't think this had been the right way to go.

It is anguish when the final bombshell drops, and lo and behold, there's someone else in his life. He gives the news calmly, and waits for the expected response of: “I'm so happy for you.” Tears filled up my eyes, pain takes over my heart and yet I say the words expected of me. “That's great news. I'm so happy for you.”

And when it finally sinks in that I'm really not that happy for him, I realize that I never really wanted to be friends either. I already had enough friends, I recollected. But with him, I had always had more than friendship on my mind.

Yes, I'm sure it had been the wrong way to go.

There are broadly two schools of thought as far as handling break-ups are concerned. One believes that a clean break should be made. Make a decision, say your goodbyes and then snap, cut all ties in one quick motion and never look back at your past. The other school of thought believes that a gradual severance of ties makes for a smoother transition phase that eases the pain somewhat.

I believe that the breaker is always part of the first school whereas the breakee is part of the second. The reason is simple. The breaker wants to move on while the breakee wants to hold on. To some little hope or thread or illusion. The breaker accepts the pain, the breakee delays it. And then of course there are those breakers who simply don't know how to break-up, so they end with either a “Let's be friends” or “I'll give you a call sometime.”

In any case, if you do have to break-up, what is a good way to go? Can a guy and girl who've had a relationship actually still be friends or even want to be friends? Now this essentially depends upon the feelings of both at the time of break-up. If it was mutual, then maybe they could be friends. But then, whether a break-up could actually ever be mutual is a debate in itself. However, if one still has feelings for the other, rest assured that friendship might work but only at the cost of some major heartache for at least one of the two.

Breaking up is hard to do
For you loved me and I loved you.

Holding on is harder still
For you are drifting as I stand still.

But saying goodbye is by far the worst
For it's only in the end that it truly hurts.
[/tscii:58d0fda4f8]

[bingleguy]

Huh ! Rami ! Kudos ! an interesting topic though !
A lot of things ponder my mind ! i seriously feel that tis really hard to digest certain facts ... !

[swathy]

its impossible

[bingleguy]

Why not possible Swathy ! They didnt know each other earlier, now they know, they found it will not work out, n they go back to wherever they are ... so why cant such a thing happen ?

[Raikkonen]

Ive experienced it..
Freeya irukkumbotu naan opinions kodukuren..

[bingleguy]

Hmn ... NTR vanduttaru .... avaru dhool kilappuvaaru

[pavalamani pragasam]

A pity, "marriage" ( or is "relationship" a better word?) has come to be viewed as buying a car! Take a trial ride beieving you like the vehicle, decide to buy or not, even if bought, feel free to dispose of it when a better model looms up the horizon. Greater pity, it is like that for both the sexes!

[cancer]

Hai nice Discussion...

To love someone is Natural instinct
To be loved by someone is Luck
To live with someone u loved is -Achievement :D
To live with someone who Loves u is Life....

For your questions its impossible...

[cancer]

its possible The friend became a lover cannot be
a lover became a friend..

But Lovers are friends too... :roll: KOnjam kulappama irukku..

[swathy]

Hai nice Discussion...

To love someone is Natural instinct
To be loved by someone is Luck
To live with someone u loved is -Achievement :D
To live with someone who Loves u is Life....

For your questions its impossible...


idhu inniki nee enakku anuppina SMS :-)

[cancer]

Ya you are so clever... :P

SMs panninatha inga msg pannakoodatha.. :roll:

[swathy]

pannalam. sondhama yedhavadhu solla koodadha :wink:

[rami]

A pity, "marriage" ( or is "relationship" a better word?) has come to be viewed as buying a car! Take a trial ride beieving you like the vehicle, decide to buy or not, even if bought, feel free to dispose of it when a better model looms up the horizon. Greater pity, it is like that for both the sexes!

PP mam I think uve mistaken my topic.. My topic is this.. Two people are in love with each other.. At some point of time for some reason or other they decide to split up.. After that split up can the lovers behave like friends again...

Love has a possesiveness... Can u let it go..
Love has certain mischief which is not in friendship...
When u look into the eyes of the beloved, you xperience butterflies in ur stomach... Can it change with a single word "FRIENDS"

Even if u decide to be friends, can u keep ur limits and distance..
This is the question..

[rami]

:oops:

[dsath]

[tscii:6ddc15f4ad]Hi Rami,
It depends on the break up. A break up means that love ceases to exist. When there is no love you can certainly have other types of relationship including friendship.

But the equation changes when one person is still in love with the other. The situation is delicate. One person has got over it, while the other hasn’t. The case you have explained makes me feel that the other person is still in denial of the break up.
Under these circumstances IMO its best to stay away and try to get on with his/her own life. Time is the best medicine. When the 2 people are in contact with each other it’s hard to appreciate other things in life and its very easy to think about the relationship and droll over it over and over again.
But when the contact is nil/minimal, you can concentrate on other things, and given time he/she may even realize that the break up was good . One never knows.
DSath.
[/tscii:6ddc15f4ad]

[rami]

This was a forwarded message and it got me thinking./.. So I thought.. Let my fellow hubbers think abt it too..

[Shakthiprabha.]

U CAN BE FRIENDS.

100 percent u can.

[Lambretta]

*Sigh*.........a much repeated question!
Again, as always my answer is rare but yes def. possible! :)

[Shakthiprabha.]

wow lambretta

I never thought THERE WOULD SOMEONE TO AGREE WITH ME :thumbsup:

[bingleguy]

hello Shakthi .... idhu possible nnu naanum munnadiye sonnene .... :( yaarumae paakaliyaa ?

[swathy]

I don't think so. its impossible.

[Shakthiprabha.]

sorry bg I did nto see. :)

[Raikkonen]

i shink its possible, if u have self dignity

[Raikkonen]

i hd experienced it..
it was long time ago..
Now im glad that it happened,

[P_R]

By "friends" if you mean maintaining a decent acquaintance, of course yes.That's possible. Breaking up doesn't always have to be nasty. It is possible, at least for some, to maintain cordiality.

But if you mean friends, as in people who you feel very close to and would share your joys and sorrow with, then it's completely out of question. Cordiality is a word reserved to describe the visits of foreign diplomats, not relationship with bosom friends.

[yosh]

It's possible , Why not.
If the two lovers break-up cause they can't makea good couple, they can still be good friends. But normally they will not do so, as the samuthayam will speak bad of them.

[pavalamani pragasam]

After having been lovers, after having rehearsed mentally marriage, after having contemplating raising a family together if the relationship thaws it means lack of commitment, lack of courage, lack of steadfastness, lack of dependability on whichever person who wishes to opt out of further closer, more meaningful relationship. Such wavering, unstable nature speaks of immaturity or irresponsibility or pure selfishness. For people who allow the family elders to choose their partner, the matter of adjustment comes with the package of commitment, duty & diligent effort, it is a simple process of maturing into fruitful relationship without serious complications or heartburns. Still want to risk it?

[ssanjinika]

After having contemplated marriage to each other if a relationship breaks then there cant be close/true friendship.The couple can never become bosom buddies but they can maintain the semblence of friendship.Call eachother once in a while to see how the other is doing.But that could just be the extent of the friendship I guess.Ofcourse both would move on and settle down with someone else and by then one would suppose the wounds to have healed enough for them not to cringe when they meet face to face.My take would be aquaintance is possible but friendship??It would def take two really sturdy hearts.

[Sanguine Sridhar]

Very Interesting!! Hmmm Let me put the cases practically.

First case the pair should be very practical like as in case of Lamby,KM or Bingle. Say if that guy and girl breaks their affair and turn it to be friendship, can that girl or guy can digest if their X-Partner has an affair with another one in front of them? If you say it is possible that means that you are very practical person and if your partner is also have the same kind of mentality then no problem at all.

Second case if you are still possessive with your partner even that relationship turn out to be friendship, don ever look at your partner in your life again.That is not advisable.You may be practical but your partner is not then i think this idea will suit better...

Altogether second case i will prefer, remember it is not a conservative decision :roll:

[Sinthiya]

Is it possible for lovers to be just friends?
hmmm....tough question...it depends on the reason for the breakup and how long you've been together....

If they've been together for a short period of time, then it's possible to be friends because your feelings may not be so deep. But I think it's impossible because no matter what, once you are in love with someone, even after you break up, there is a part of you that still has feelings (that's the truth). It makes it impossible to be simply friends, especially if you've been with that person for years. If it was a mutual break up, then you still care about your ex and wish him/her well. And you can try to be friends, but it won't be easy and you can't hide your true feelings. Perhaps time will heal...(I'm not so sure...I don't think so...)

Also, it depends on how confident the partners are about their friendship after the breakup, (especially if they were friends for years before they became lovers); if they believe they can honestly be friends and value their friendship more than the love they had, maybe it's possible to maintain a friendship...and there are cases where, being friends is far better than lovers (even if you still have feelings)...

but in the end, it will never be the same...so it's impossible for lovers to be just friends (in most cases)....just my thoughts...

:)

[goodsense]

One of my instructors once said "After a divorce, you still feel love for your spouse". Funny thing is, he was divorced about three times :lol: Wonder if he feels the same for them all and I wonder which new girl knowing all this would want to get involved!

Another funny story one man told me in UK, he was divorced about four times. During the alst divorce, the Judge said to him calling out his name loudly in a full courtroom, ....I don't want to see you back in this court. This man was relating this story to me in such a cute way, that you would laugh your head off :lol: The woman in each case had the favour of the judge, all records were pulled up. I guess what the judge was trying to say to him is that he is not capable of handling marriage and should not get married again. I guess this should be posted in the "married life" thread.

I think friendship after breaking up comes with some time. Soem people become such clsoe friends that they can talk about their new relationship - the good and bad about it and even look for support from such old friendship. Overall, I think people once in a relationship should be able to maintain friendship if they so wish, given that people break up for all sorts of reasons e.g. "distance" or some unforseen circumstances, not necessarily that the relationship was bad. I have seen people coming together after long periods apart which has caused breaking up in the first place and after they have both been involved with new partners. They go hunting out each other. Funny but true :wink:

[Anoushka]

I think it is perfectly possible for two "mature" people to be friends even after a break up. Because when mature people break up they know the reason for the break up, it will not be for some silly reason! And they will also know to let go....

[Raikkonen]

I dont shink break ups do happen among the mature ppl

[Fire111999]

I think it is perfectly possible for two "mature" people to be friends even after a break up. Because when mature people break up they know the reason for the break up, it will not be for some silly reason! And they will also know to let go....

isn't love a spontaneous feeling? however mature, is it possible for one use his/her head to overrrule his/her heart?

if one person's lost the feeling, and the other person hasn't, it'll be hard for the other person to control his/her natural response.

so it might be better for them to not spend any time together at all, at least for some time. after all, it is said that time heals.

[Lambretta]

I dont shink break ups do happen among the mature ppl
Depends on how mature one sees the other as I guess.....!

[Raikkonen]

i hate break ups..
Mentally depressing

[Lambretta]

i hate break ups..
Mentally depressing
Same here! :(

[Raikkonen]

Athe kataithane..
Its like very hard to accept..
Been toghether for some time, leave for no reasons..
Its heartbreaking..

[ssanjinika]

When i said that 2 people who have been lovers cant be friends I didnt mean to say its because they still had feelings for each other or because they would still have feelings for each other.My reasoning is ,its human nature to try and forget mistakes and when a relationship fails it means it was a mistake rite.Wont it be natural to try and forget that mistake and stay away from people who remind you of your mistake?

[Fire111999]

i hate break ups..
Mentally depressing
Same here! :(

enna? ellarum romba experienced pola irukku?

[Raikkonen]

Enakku illa..
Normala sonnen...

[Fire111999]

oh so quick to deny it. romba samathu pola ninga.

[Lambretta]

i hate break ups..
Mentally depressing
Same here! :(
enna? ellarum romba experienced pola irukku?
Yaen appidi pesarenguh, intha mathiri vishayathe purinjikarthuku ithule experienced-aa thaan irukanuma? :roll: :?

[Raikkonen]

Illa..
It was back 4-5 yrs ago..
Nothing more than puppy love..
im glad it had happened..

I have steady girlfriend now..
were going to be enagaged soon..

[Fire111999]

i hate break ups..
Mentally depressing
Same here! :(
enna? ellarum romba experienced pola irukku?
Yaen appidi pesarenguh, intha mathiri vishayathe purinjikarthuku ithule experienced-aa thaan irukanuma? :roll: :?

ok, ok. relax.

[Fire111999]

Illa..
It was back 4-5 yrs ago..
Nothing more than puppy love..
im glad it had happened..

I have steady girlfriend now..
were going to be enagaged soon..

good for you

[Lambretta]

I have steady girlfriend now..
were going to be engaged soon..
Congrats NTR garu! :D
Party eppudu mari? :wink:

[Raikkonen]

Haha..
Thanks lambi..
Athu oru 2-3 yrs agum..
Haha..
I will give u invittaion...

[rami]

As discussed, friendship after breakup is possible only if
1) the break-up was mutual and
2) The relationship itself was more friendly than romantic...
3) of short duration

Otherwise there will be more things unsaid than spoken out...
Might be Time heals... When both have settled in their own families and have other priorities, then they can be friends or rather aquaintances as SS mentioned...

[rami]

I have steady girlfriend now..
were going to be engaged soon..
Thats gr8.. Congrats NTR

[Raikkonen]

Thanks Rami

[Lambretta]

Btw, NTR garu,
Intha santhosamana vishayathe poyi neenga intha thread-le illame Hubber's events thread le sollirkanum illeyo? :wink: :lol:

[Raikkonen]

Haha..
EN kastham ennodaye pogattum...

[Lambretta]

Haha..
EN kastham ennodaye pogattum...
:shock: :?

[Raikkonen]

Hahaha..
Thats a joke..

[Lambretta]

:D

[Raikkonen]

i wanted to say

En thukkam ennoda pogattum.

Lamby..
You've experienced Break Ups?

[Lambretta]

i wanted to say

En thukkam ennoda pogattum.

Lamby..
You've experienced Break Ups?
Um...yea jus once....but tat was like, a mere crush! :P
Tat too wen I was a kid......7-8 yrs old! :lol:

[Raikkonen]

Cheh..
Ithukku naan vera ivlo neram wait pannane..

Haha
That was very cute Lamby

[Lambretta]

Cheh..
Ithukku naan vera ivlo neram wait pannane..

Haha
That was very cute Lamby
Tks NTR! :)