My Hubby's Mom likes only her Daughter's Daughter, not mine

[Dushyanthini]

My mother-in-law likes only her daughter's daughter and not mine. She does not have even one word of praiser for my daughter which i find is very irritating. My daughter sings well, she is beautiful, but my mother-in-law does not think so. She always finds fault. Yet, she wants my husband's money. She always says that her daughters are suffering and cries, so that she can get my husband's money and give it to her daughters.

Why does she not have even one good word for my daughter ? How can i respect her ?

[VK Narayanan]

My mother-in-law likes only her daughter's daughter and not mine. She does not have even one word of praiser for my daughter which i find is very irritating. My daughter sings well, she is beautiful, but my mother-in-law does not think so. She always finds fault. Yet, she wants my husband's money. She always says that her daughters are suffering and cries, so that she can get my husband's money and give it to her daughters.

Why does she not have even one good word for my daughter ? How can i respect her ? Dushy - I could relate this to my own mom. I heard many complaints from my brothers stating that my mom loves me and my kids more than my brothers and their kids. What do you think about this scenario? Is it possible for anyone to get love and care by asking or requesting or by quarreling? She should not be doing any kind of such separate treatment. Isn't it? But again, it is life.

Finding fault about small little things perhaps is an attribute associated with MIL's feelings when they get a feeling that their opinions are not valued or respected. I never thought money could be associated with this in any way. It is a totally different issue altogether.

[Alan]

If I were in your place, I would openly make my husband talk to her about this.
I find it irritating when mothers/grandmothers show such discrimination in children. Its gross!

[ssanjinika]

If you really feel that your MIL is showing marked distinction between your daughter and her daughters children,then I strongly advice you to restrict her access to your daughter.Studies show that children need to be loved unconditionally and any such distinction/differenciations are detrimental to their psychological development and could emotionally affect them.
P.S this is from a book I read on child psychology.Personally I feel its better to tell your MIL face to face that you think what shes doing is cheap and disgusting and if she continues todo so she is no longer welcome in your house.Hope your husband understands but IMHO your child should be the first priority here.

[Lambretta]

Hi SS! :D
How r u? Long time no see! I'd been thinking of u for the last few days in fact (no need to tell u y! :wink: :lol: )
Incidentally, I'm in the process of negotiating a deal to buy a *u-know-wat!* :wink: .......Oops! Digressing again.....! :oops:
Studies show that children need to be loved unconditionally and any such distinction/differenciations are detrimental to their psychological development and could emotionally affect them.
True! Favouritism shudn't be encouraged in ne way, not just reg. studies......in my childhood I've also come across sum mothers who compare their kids to another kid saying "see wat a good girl/boy so-&-so is......see how he/she behaves......look at the way u behave.....etc. etc."
Such comparison isn't really ne good either......tends to create jealousy/animosity in the child towards the other child w/ whom they r being compared.....

[Sanguine Sridhar]

My mother-in-law likes only her daughter's daughter and not mine. She does not have even one word of praiser for my daughter which i find is very irritating. My daughter sings well, she is beautiful, but my mother-in-law does not think so. She always finds fault. Yet, she wants my husband's money. She always says that her daughters are suffering and cries, so that she can get my husband's money and give it to her daughters.

Why does she not have even one good word for my daughter ? How can i respect her ?

Simple,Avoid your Mother-in-Law.Everybody has their own likings/Dislikings.If u still feel down,talk to u're husband as Alan said.If your husband is very caring about you then what you need more than that.Its your daughter.You have to take care.Its u're family.You,Your sweet and intelligent daughter,your husband thats enough for you.Dont consider her and live for you,your family...thats it! Happy days! :D

[ssanjinika]

**Digression**

Hi Lamby!
Ive been a silent spectator of the Misc section for some time.So did see your posts :)
***End Digression**

Yea Dushyantini.Talk to your husband and see what he says.It could be that the entire thing is in your mind.IF not then your first priority is your child.Do whats best for her.
Good Luck!

[stranger]

Studies show that children need to be loved unconditionally and any such distinction/differenciations are detrimental to their psychological development and could emotionally affect them.

well, what if some her classmates discriminate her in the classroom, school, during a soccer class or in a dance lesson???

Separate the child from every kid???

One will be loved based on what the "one" really is.

There is going to be discrimination everywhere for most of the children.

BTW, what kind of emotional problem they will encouter according to the STUDIES, anyway???

[ssanjinika]

Stranger!!!Dude!!!!
Isnt there a difference between a person who is supposed to show you affection and some random kid???!!!

God!! What kind of questions u ask!

[ssanjinika]

Stranger pls check out the emotional abuse topic on this link.
http://www.safechild.org/childabuse3.htm

That should give you a better idea of what emotional abuse is.

[stranger]

Stranger!!!Dude!!!!
Isnt there a difference between a person who is supposed to show you affection and some random kid???!!!

God!! What kind of questions u ask!

well, tell me grandma vs grand daughter discrimination consequences and the psychological stresses the victim has to go through from the studies- if there is such special chapter in that?

Then we will work on separating her from the witch, her grandmA who abuses her own son's daughter! :cool:

[stranger]

That should give you a better idea of what emotional abuse is.

Did you talk to the little girl or her dad before writing your "sentence"??????

Or you bel;ieve whatever you hear without any discrimination??!

[ssanjinika]

Yea Dushyantini.Talk to your husband and see what he says.It could be that the entire thing is in your mind.IF not then your first priority is your child.Do whats best for her.
Good Luck!

Stranger FYI pls read what I said carefully before jumping to conclusions and the emotional abuse link was for your info only!No where did I say that ,that girl is being emotionally abused!! Im in no position to judge that!!
Dont argue for the sake of arguing!

[stranger]

I am sorry the word "abuse" is unacceptable here and NOT WARRANTED here at all. I really dont know the problem here is "money" or "love"-as it has been projected- at the first place. it is just one another MIL vs DIL problem and the poor husband has to nod his head for both sides! The child may not feel the discrimination at all though the mother could for whateve reasons! :cool:

[stranger]

Observable Indicators

child rocks, sucks, bites self
inappropriately aggressive,
destructive to others
suffers from sleep, speech disorders
restricts play activities or experiences
demonstrates compulsions, obsessions, phobias, hysterical outbursts




Behavioral Indicators in Child

negative statements about self
shy, passive, compliant
lags in physical, mental and emotional development
self destructive behavior
highly aggressive
cruel to others
overly demanding

Does the kid go through these kind of indicators becuase of grandma's discrimination?????? I did not read that in the accuser's post!

[Badri]

Interesting!!!

But there is a lot of wisdom in what Stranger says. Perhaps the grandmom is like that, but a lot of people out there are going to be the same way too! It would be better for Dushyanthini to prep her daughter well, and show her how to seek esteem from within, from who and what she is rather than from the approbation of others.

Perhaps it is a tall order, considering here I dont even know how old her daughter is, but it would be the better solution to this problem than to isolate her from her grandmother.

And as sajanika, Alan and Becks have said, talk to your husband, talk to your daughter and see what they feel about it. Then you can decide. For all her "criticisms" your daughter might still love her grandma, and keeping her away may do more emotional damage to your daughter!!!!

[pavalamani pragasam]

For centuries in typical South Indian families where the daughters are expected to be pampered with "seer"=gifts from her her parents & brothers there is a marked difference in the status of son's children & and daughter's children. The solace is all children have both maternal & paternal grandparents. The daughter-in-law should remember the special favours she extracts from her "pirantha veedu" and try to adjust to her sis-in-law's privileges! The habit of daughters coming to their mother for delivery creates a natural bond between the grandchild and grandma. This has been analysed already in a former thread. As for extreme enmity it is individual minority instances where the duo(mother-in-law & daughter-in-law) are childishly adamant in not becoming friends at any cost! Very unenlightened, pathetic beings. Pity the poor gentleman caught between 2 selfish, short-sighted women!!!

[pavalamani pragasam]

There is another side to the story! Haven't you heard about daughter-in-laws who wouldn't allow their children to get attached to their paternal grandmother, but limits the child's intimacy with only the maternal grandmother?

[Shekhar]

Dushyantini,

Look at it this way...

You cannot dictate somebody to love somebody. For whom your mother-in-law has more affection, is her choice.
For whatever reason, she loves her daughter's children more. Why should you have any problem with it? I said whatever reason... It is quite possible that your stand-offish attitude towards your MIL could be the reason for her keeping away from your dautgher.
As long as you love your daughter. is it not enough? You should focus on bringing up your daughter to become a fine lady of selfesteem, instead of worrying about these issues.
As far your husband's money is concerned, I feel it is between the mother and the son, their equation, their relationship. I don't think you have a right to interfere on that issue either, unless you are contributing to your husband's income, and it is going to your mother in law.

[Shakthiprabha.]

Dushyanthini,

1. Forums dont give u SOLUTIONS for many emotional problems.

2. Its better to rant ur problem to some close friends or some net friends and leave at it.

3. Forums at times, may indulge in too much of privatising ur issues and it may BRUISE u.

4.Though I do very well understand ur problem, I seroiusly feel quite clueless bout how to answer u, because

IN MY FAMILY my kid and myself experience extreme affection from my mother in law. Shez a wonderful lady who knows to share her affection with her daughter and me. I should say I am lucky to be her daughter in law. So I aint in ur shoes to answer u, YET,

5. To the extent I can imagine, IT CAN BE EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING to be discriminated.

U seem to be bothered about 2 things most of all....


1. The money ur husband spends on ur MIL, WHICH NEED NOT BE UR PROBLEM, BUT a private problem of mother and son.

Can we assume, if ur mother in law showers affection, u would be willing to share the money with her?

Then is MONEY THE PRICE FOR AFFECTION?. Somethign is WRONG THERE, aint not?

Money, as far as ur husband is comfortable, IT SHOULD NTO MATTER TO U, ESP if he spends on his mother(at whatever cause she wants)

2. second disturbing thing is ur dughter not being praised. Analyse it in following ways.

a. Is ur daughter facing emotional stress due to she not being praised?

b. Is she just ignored of INSULTED? (there is a difference)

IF SHE IS IGNORED, she needs to face so much of such situations, in future, she better learn to tackle it.

IF SHE IS INSULTED definitelY U NEED TO STAND BY HER and put a piece of ur mind into ur mother inlaw's ears.


Last but not least...

IF U THINK a word or two of praise for ur daughters beauty or singing ability would make WORLD OF DIFFERENCE IN HER CONFIDENCE LEVEL.......

I would suggest u to tackle it the following way.

a. MOST IMPORTANTLY PASTE A BIGGGG NICE, BROAD SMILE ON UR FACE WHENEVER U SAY OR DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION.

b. Say excellent praise of words for ur daughter BEFORE UR MOTHER IN LAW, and say that U DAUGHTER IS EXTREMELY GOOD IN WHTEVER SHE DOES and that u are LUCKY to have her.

ENSURE both ur mother in law AND daughter are present WHEN U say this.

c. Tell ur daughter of ur MIL's nature in a mild way and make her understand ppl are different. DONT POISON HER MIND against her grandmother though. jUST ASK her to accept her as she is

d. Tell ur MIL mildy yet sternly but with BROAD SMILE, THAT, comparing 2 individuals IS SICKENING ATTITUDE(if she compares). Tell her its not advisable to do so. Tell her Your daughter is good in her own way.

e. Do not put it in ur husband's ears unless until its important, HE HAS LAKHS AND LAKHS OF MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TASKS. Poor guy let him be spared, as long as u can handle this. If things go REALLY BEYOND UR CONTROL, then u can put a word or two.

[selvakumar]

SP what a long post..!! it seems as if everything is coming based on ur own experiences.

[Shakthiprabha.]

selvakumar,

I THINK its extremely KIDDISH to except ppl to SUGGEST only based on EXPERIENCES.

If only ppl who have experienced similar situations can open their mouth, MANY CANT UTTER single statement HERE.

Post or view, or suggestion NEED NOT MEAN ITS THEIR PSERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

In case U FORGOT TO READ (esp for ppl like selvakumar WHO MIGHT personalise issues) I HAD MENTIONED a paragraph which says, I HAVE an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SITUATION AT HOME.

Thanks.

[Querida]

Shakti great reply! :D You really look at it many different perspectives and give plausible solutions. Wisdom is worth the length :)

[Alan]

Dushyanthini,

1. Forums dont give u SOLUTIONS for many emotional problems.

2. Its better to rant ur problem to some close friends or some net friends and leave at it.

3. Forums at times, may indulge in too much of privatising ur issues and it may BRUISE u.

4.Though I do very well understand ur problem, I seroiusly feel quite clueless bout how to answer u, because

IN MY FAMILY my kid and myself experience extreme affection from my mother in law. Shez a wonderful lady who knows to share her affection with her daughter and me. I should say I am lucky to be her daughter in law. So I aint in ur shoes to answer u, YET,

5. To the extent I can imagine, IT CAN BE EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING to be discriminated.

U seem to be bothered about 2 things most of all....


1. The money ur husband spends on ur MIL, WHICH NEED NOT BE UR PROBLEM, BUT a private problem of mother and son.

Can we assume, if ur mother in law showers affection, u would be willing to share the money with her?

Then is MONEY THE PRICE FOR AFFECTION?. Somethign is WRONG THERE, aint not?

Money, as far as ur husband is comfortable, IT SHOULD NTO MATTER TO U, ESP if he spends on his mother(at whatever cause she wants)

2. second disturbing thing is ur dughter not being praised. Analyse it in following ways.

a. Is ur daughter facing emotional stress due to she not being praised?

b. Is she just ignored of INSULTED? (there is a difference)

IF SHE IS IGNORED, she needs to face so much of such situations, in future, she better learn to tackle it.

IF SHE IS INSULTED definitelY U NEED TO STAND BY HER and put a piece of ur mind into ur mother inlaw's ears.


Last but not least...

IF U THINK a word or two of praise for ur daughters beauty or singing ability would make WORLD OF DIFFERENCE IN HER CONFIDENCE LEVEL.......

I would suggest u to tackle it the following way.

a. MOST IMPORTANTLY PASTE A BIGGGG NICE, BROAD SMILE ON UR FACE WHENEVER U SAY OR DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION.

b. Say excellent praise of words for ur daughter BEFORE UR MOTHER IN LAW, and say that U DAUGHTER IS EXTREMELY GOOD IN WHTEVER SHE DOES and that u are LUCKY to have her.

ENSURE both ur mother in law AND daughter are present WHEN U say this.

c. Tell ur daughter of ur MIL's nature in a mild way and make her understand ppl are different. DONT POISON HER MIND against her grandmother though. jUST ASK her to accept her as she is

d. Tell ur MIL mildy yet sternly but with BROAD SMILE, THAT, comparing 2 individuals IS SICKENING ATTITUDE(if she compares). Tell her its not advisable to do so. Tell her Your daughter is good in her own way.

e. Do not put it in ur husband's ears unless until its important, HE HAS LAKHS AND LAKHS OF MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TASKS. Poor guy let him be spared, as long as u can handle this. If things go REALLY BEYOND UR CONTROL, then u can put a word or two.


Very well said , Shakthi Mam. You've covered every point. I hope Dushyanthini reads this post a couple of times & understands how to go about things.

[pooja.shankar]

it happens in my fam too ...my patti likes her daughters kids not me and my siblings ......

big shit ..like i want her to like me ..........affection should be heart felt ..i dunt want to ask for it .....

dutn care about it dhush ,,