A joke per day...keeps the doctor away! [Archive]

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Topic started by Shakthi (@ bangdp-34-109.mantraonline.com) on Fri Jun 28 08:16:15 .

Laughing is considered almost like an alternative therapy to cure most diseases. Its an answer to most of our health problems. Lets post healthy jokes and share our joy.

Any no of jokes per day is welcome. plz post decent jokes only.

********************************************

These are couplets taken from the rhymezone site where there's this competition for writing
the most romantic first line and most unromantic second..here are a few of the entries..

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

*****************************************

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away?
BOY : Were you away?

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it?

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple?

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something, It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

*****************************************

Come on ppl! Post ur jokes. Lets laugh worries away!

sincerely,
shakthi.

All posts from this topic have been archived here: http://www.mayyam.com/hub/archives/Miscellaneous_Topics/t106_A_joke_per_day___keeps_the_doctor_away_.html

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Old responses (http://forumhub.com/expr/26677.14230.08.16.15.html)

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

tt,
"Tere baap ka naukar hooon kya?????"
means
"Am I your father's servant?"

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

pavazhamani maam,

:))

that was hilarious!

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Here are some Surd's
1. Jugnu Singh and an American were walking outside when the American said "Oh, look at the dead bird." Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said "Where, where?"

2. Surd#1 : What is the difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Surd#2 : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!

3. Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "That fellow called back."

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Contd..

4. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar “BRAIN” tumour se mara hai…

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Contd..

5. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar “BRAIN” tumour se mara hai…Sardarji bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, 'How much should I pay to turn right?'

The Policeman was astonished and asked, 'Why are you asking like this?

Then Sardarji showed him the signboard, which was in the corner of the road - “Free Left Turn”

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Contd..

6. A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Tell me,' said the passerby, What on earth are you doing? Well, said the digger, Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off, does it?

7. Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet
of the butter “Cholesterol free”.

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people from various parts of World. This is English at its best..!

1. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an
accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years
and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife.
Please sanction me one-week leave.

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

3. Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return,
please grant me half day casual leave".
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you to leave me today".
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school".
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
7. A covering note, "I am enclosed herewith...
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please
grant me 10 days leave.
9. Letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Shakthi: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Vapuchi: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Shakthi: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
Vapuchi: No time at all it is already built.

Shakthi: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Vapuchi: Very large hands.

Shakthi: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Vapuchi: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Shakthi: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
Vapuchi: He sleeps at night.

Shakthi: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Vapuchi: Wet.

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Shakthi: What looks like half apple?
Vapuchi: The other half.

Shakthi What can you never eat for breakfast ?
Vapuchi: Dinner.

Shakthi: What happened when wheel was invented ?
Vapuchi : It caused a revolution.

Shakthi Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
Vapuchi : Because it has its own scales.

Shakthi Bay of Bengal is in which state?
Vapuchi : Liquid.

Shakthi: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: Nag do not punch me.

Shakthi: Now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: I punched the Nag.

Shakthi: Chintu's mom has three sons. What is the name of the
other two?
Vapuchi: Chin-1 & Chin-3.

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 55 and 58
years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about

cricket, like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in
heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But

let's make a
deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly
responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's
ghost. Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good
news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in
heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
ruin that!?" Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening
batsmen on Friday."

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Santa was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What can I do for you?" Santa politely asked. "You selling something?"

"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.

"A what?" Santa asked, more confused than ever.

"A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the India."

"Well, you're wasting your time here," Santa answered finally. "I have no idea."

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

An angel appears at a priests meeting and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the preists whispers, "Say something."

The leader sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

"Doctor, I think my son has gonorrhea," Santa told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's scre**wed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the doctor soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doctor. I've been scre**wing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," Santa admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the doctor roared. "That means we've all got it!"

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Banta and Preeto got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.

Morning came, Banta went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.

He asked Preeto to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw Banta's naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

Banta, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

A store called Husband Mart that sells husbands has just opened. A woman can go there and choose a husband from among many men. The store consists of 6 floors. As you open the door to any floor you can choose a man from that floor or choose to go up to the next floor.

But you cannot go back down to a previous floor, except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to Husband Mart to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" And up she goes again.

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

(contd)

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"

And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Teacher: "Dharti Gol hai ya Chapti"
student: Sir, Kapti

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

What is oposite to Area?

Ans : Iranguyaa

Oldposts

27th October 2004, 09:05 AM

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a
club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look
after him. A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he
fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see
if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on
the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed. Superman thought to
himself, "So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ...I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what
happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies
off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you
hear anything ...?" Invisible-Man replied, "No! But....... my A**SS hurts
like hell!"
<a name="last"></a>

Shiju

27th October 2004, 02:05 PM

[quote="HUB Oldposts"]

hey
that was a nice one ...a wicked and funny ... :oops:

Shakthiprabha.

28th October 2004, 11:22 PM

Guess, I can start by posting something in my own thread.

8) . I love freaking out with these icons....ITS WONDERFUL.

And after this I gotta say, its TEST. plz ignore this post :wink:

Good luck all, I feel I am amidst a maze of confused threads hanging
everywhere. What happened to POETRY SECTION? To justify the purpose of this thread....heres a joke....

____

*DON'T Marry an AIRTEL woman ,she will touch u tommorow.
*DON'T Marry a HUTCH woman ,whereever u go her network follows u. *DON'T Marry an IDEA woman ,her idea will change u r life.
*DON'T Marry a TATA woman ,she will soon say you "TATA BYE".
*DON'T Marry a BSNL woman ,she had a network all over India.
*SO, its BEST to marry a RELIANCE woman BUY ONE GET ONE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE...

:lol:
[/quote]

Cygnus

29th October 2004, 07:39 AM

Ayyo Shakthi, same side goal nyAyamA :shock: :) :roll:

Can you tell I am freaking out with these smilies too?!!

Hyderabadi

30th October 2004, 09:26 AM

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the riches t woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show....

Hyderabadi

19th November 2004, 02:41 PM

Banta and his friend, Sandy, were living together. Sandy was more macho and Banta was more feminine.

Banta lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

Elated Banta went home and smothered his chest in Vaseline.

When Sandy came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

Banta explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your a**ss by now?"

NOV

22nd November 2004, 04:19 PM

The Men Strike Back!

(with apologies to all women!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.

Querida

23rd November 2004, 10:19 AM

:D :D :D well Nov you're very lucky that those jokes were quite funny....i love why do men die before their wives one....hi-larious!

anyways let's hope you all have just as good a humour :P

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?

A: He wouldn't ask for directions

:P :P :P my apologies as well :P :P :P

Roshan

23rd November 2004, 01:10 PM

hahaha Querida... that was really a good one. Still laughing :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Specially that last one about Moses :lol: :lol:

a.ratchasi

23rd November 2004, 03:10 PM

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

hahahahaha!

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
At times, even the govt bonds mature faster

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
the ultimate truth- :wink:

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Do I need to say more?

NOV

23rd November 2004, 05:53 PM

We can laugh too, ladies.
How else do you think we could have survived this long.

;)

p/s: Where is Shekar when you need him. Hope his wife gives him a break soon.....

davie

24th November 2004, 12:11 AM

@rakshasi
ur avatar does not look like a rakshas. its like some nice cute cartoon budy :lol: :lol: :lol:

Querida

24th November 2004, 12:51 AM

a.ratchasi you are free to point out if i am wrong...but Davie...if you saw how buttercup acts and feels in 'The PowerPuff Girls' you would agree that it is a most approp. avatar....watch it sometime....a.ratchasi i'm just glad your avatar isn't that spoiled brat princess :P

a.ratchasi

24th November 2004, 02:31 PM

25th November 2004, 09:26 AM

25th November 2004, 10:05 AM

Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta

blahblah

25th November 2004, 11:05 AM

a.ratchasi

25th November 2004, 11:38 AM

We are in the process of ganging up...

I didnt take it as a versus thingy at all....
But then again, since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!! :wink:

25th November 2004, 02:44 PM

Allo everyone..
Something I read and don't know if U had too......
Enjoy!

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Melbourne at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance...

25th November 2004, 02:48 PM

No offense, please!!!!

1) On landing, a West Jet stewardess was heard to say "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you are going to leave
anything behind, please make sure it is something we would like to have."

(2) Also from a West Jet airline : "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this plane, so please pay
attention."

(3) On a lengthy evening Air Canada flight with a somewhat 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said "Ladies and Gentlemen,
we have reached the cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants."

(4) " Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest Airline flight announced
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

(6) From a Southwest Airline flight crew member "Welcome aboard Soutwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you do not know how to operate it, you probably
should not be out in public un-supervised."

(7) In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with the child. F you are travelling with
more than one small child, please pick your favourite.

(8) The Captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but
we will try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

(9) Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and
feel free to take them home with our compliments."

(10) Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

(11) As you exit the plane, please make sure that all your belongings are taken. Anything left behind will be distributed equally
amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave behind children or spouses."

(12) From the pilot during his welcome message "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

13) Heard from a flight attendant on a WestJet flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta "That was quite a bump and I
know what you are all thinking However I am here to tell you that it was not the airline's fault, neither is it the Captain's fault nor the
flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt."

(14) During the final approach on an American Airlines flight into Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Texas. Please
remain seated with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

(15) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

(16) A Canadian Airline pilot wrote in his journal a few years ago that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had
unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His
comments indicated that, in the light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart
comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane,
she approached the First Officer and said "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?". The officer said "Why, no Ma'am. What is it?" She
then asked "Did we land or were we shot down just now?"

(17) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

(18) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement "We would like to thank you folks for flying with us today. The next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you will think of US Airways."

(19) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over
the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight No. 293, a non-stop flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH MY GOD !!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I had scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee which ended up spilling on my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger yelled "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

Roshan

25th November 2004, 03:20 PM

since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!! :wink:

Oh Yeah!!! :lol: :lol:

Hemant Trived1

25th November 2004, 05:45 PM

If Men are like Government Bonds,............

"Women are like IncomeTax returns. !!!! " :twisted:

So much of real worth of Vital Statistix is Hidden under what is not shown !! ":lol:

blahblah

25th November 2004, 06:36 PM

HaHaHa!HoHoHo!Great Hemantji,Come out with more !But some are different, they show off more than what they are worth.

a.ratchasi

26th November 2004, 06:27 AM

Either way, it doesnt stop you guys from seeking us, or does it?
two for the ladies!!

Querida

26th November 2004, 07:46 AM

Querida,
Are you referring to my avatar? Didn't realise you have such a strong feeling againts her! :oops: :oops: :oops: Anyway, sorry to disappoint U. As I told someone, I will keep changing my avatar from time to time......so, what do you want next, Bush or Saddam or OBL? :lol: :lol: :lol: Anyway, let me see if I can find something that many people will HATE to see ....ha ha ha
Have a great day! I enjoy reading all your postings throughout the hub...

Dear NM if your avatar was bubbles then good..it was ratchasi who misunderstood and said bubbles...i actually meant the villaness named "Princess" the one who thinks she can pay to join the Powerpuff girls...for one u should not care in the least what my preferences are and secondly it's you avatar you do what you want with it...and thirdly yes i love that little kmart blue special stinker Calvin! Variety is good NM so NP (no problem)!

Querida

26th November 2004, 07:50 AM

So all of you making fun at men and these guys laughing too! :roll: Don't expect every one to be so tolerant :evil: .We are in the process of ganging up and will come out with the worst of girlie jokes :evil: .Be ready fior the Mars-Venus encounter :evil: :twisted: .You shouldn't go unpunished. :twisted:

Blah blah your dear moderator Nov started this....and i just replied for fun...don't turn this into something embarrassing for all of us...though i have to admit Hemantji's joke was very witty :D
must you gang up....there is comedy and there is cowardly show of perversity..when selecting jokes i skipped over hurtful and inappropriate ones...you want to battle then dont stain my name as the cause is all i ask :D

Querida

26th November 2004, 07:51 AM

Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta

yep yep love Hobbes as well..but like your need for variety better :)

Querida

26th November 2004, 07:55 AM

NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!
:D :) :lol:

26th November 2004, 07:59 AM

Hi Querida.....
Thanks much for yr input......Me love Calvin n Hobbes....hee hee. Have a great weekend!!
NM

blahblah

26th November 2004, 10:34 AM

Querida,you certainly don't think I was serious,do you? :lol: :wink: -I mean 'ganging up' and all the stuff!

a.ratchasi

26th November 2004, 02:02 PM

NM, I didnt know your previous avatar was bubbles.
And yes, Querida is right , I did mistook it!

My humble apologies.

Hemant Trived1

26th November 2004, 03:19 PM

Hello Blah Blah,

Indian Incometax Department had come out with a scheme called,
"VOLUNTERY DISCLOSURE SCHEME" some years back.

This term is more appropriate to present day dresses
(I am not complaining).

Hiding real figures sometimes is more dangerous
than showing real figures. :twisted: :lol:

NOV

27th November 2004, 02:49 PM

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.
Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"

Shekhar

27th November 2004, 05:23 PM

A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Querida

28th November 2004, 12:15 AM

Nov that was a hi-larious! I'll be sure to share it with friends...i've heard of the same variation of the joke with the typical three guys from this and that country and the third being the unpopular one....but seriously where are these men who love their wives so much...did the CIA have to finish them off to keep everything top secret??? :D :P

Shekhar...hmmm i think the wife was using two kinds of poison one was the bottle kind....the other her tongue....still very funny :D

29th November 2004, 02:17 PM

Querida Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:25 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!

Dear Querida...
I don't know how I missed yr comments above! :oops: :oops: Anyway, glad you found it hilarious...! I enjoyed it myself, too! Have more to come.....
Hv fun reading those.. :wink: :roll: :lol: :shock: :D :)

29th November 2004, 02:25 PM

Nov/ Shekhar ........
Thanks for the hilarious moments!!! Ha ha ha :D :D

:roll: :roll: :roll:
Guys and gals...more fun...

Enjoy!

Two old ladies were having lunch at the Bowling Club.

One turns to the other asking, "Agnes, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?

Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."

Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"

Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants."

29th November 2004, 02:27 PM

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

29th November 2004, 02:29 PM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Querida

29th November 2004, 10:09 PM

NM you deserve a big :lol: :lol: :lol:
i have heard the last two you posted...but the first one pure jokes!
you know the only thing that cheers me up about winter is calvin's tastefulness in the art of making snowmen! :P :twisted: :P

sonu gopi

30th November 2004, 08:39 AM

30th November 2004, 08:43 AM

Embarassing moment.......

One day I was at the hospital, for a health check-up. There was very long queue and I had been there for a loooong time...more than 1 hour. :evil: :evil:
My bladder was full - I had drank lots of water earlier!!! In my hurry to empty my bladder, I rushed into a toilet, after glancing at the door (supposedly to check if I was entering the right one..!).

The toilet was empty (Thank God) and I saw something that was strange........the wall to my right had a few taps with running water on the wall (don't know how to describe this!). Anyway, as I was in a hurry, I rush into the toilet and emptied my bladder.
As I opened the door, I saw an Old man coming in !!!! He stared at me, his eyes were wide with shock! And I stared at him back, wondering what he was doing in this toilet! :twisted:
As I walked out, I realized something was definately amiss, what with the running water on the wall and the Old man in the toilet....so, I turned back and checked the Main toilet door again and saw "GENTS" !!!! :oops: :oops: :oops: Oh Oh Oh!!!!! Me, in my Salwar Kameez, had actually done my business in a GENTS!!! Oh Dear! Now I know why the stare and the water......ha ha ha! It was embarassing !! Bet that ole' man thought I was one of 'em in-betweens!!! Ha ha ha :lol: :lol: :lol:

30th November 2004, 08:53 AM

Sonu Gopi...

Yeah...that was a good one, wasn't it?? One up for the woman...!! That man learnt a good lesson!!!

Querida/ Sonu Gopi...

Glad you're enjoying the jokes...more coming...! Ever heard of Phua Chu Kang's ?? Some crazy friends os mine sent a few to me, I need to dig my old mails to see if I still have 'em!!

Have a great day! [/quote]

Querida

30th November 2004, 09:21 AM

hmmm NM i think all us ladies have been in that predicament...once i was visting St. Joseph's Cathedral in Montreal...and well the washroom doors were open so the signs were not visible..anyways i followed the woman infront of me and turned back when my sister called my name..i motioned that i was going to the loo and turned back....to see my unknowing guide had gone her way...well i stepped into the bathroom in front of me...and entered the long corridor...to the bathroom...there much to my horror was an old man....uhhhh just finishing up....well all i could say was "Oh My God!"....how appropriate huh? Before running out and blending into a group of ladies headed to the CORRECT loo...! :oops: :D :lol:

a.ratchasi

30th November 2004, 09:26 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket
and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich
says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.
This
becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have
a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says
the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk
or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with
long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

sonu gopi

30th November 2004, 09:33 AM

Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."

Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"

Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants."

Oh! my God :P this is a hilarious way of heading towards second childhood.... can't stop laughing. :lol: :lol:

********
SONU GOPI :lol: :lol:

Querida

30th November 2004, 09:41 AM

ratchasi...i have heard a less innocent ending to your lamp joke...think 10-inch pianist.... :P

a.ratchasi

30th November 2004, 11:48 AM

heard that one too! :wink:

30th November 2004, 03:02 PM

This is another........but also a silent reminder that we sometimes overlook what's right there (not there!!) in front of our eyes!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent !!"

30th November 2004, 03:05 PM

Wonder if you all have read this before...still makes me laugh!!

Children's Science Exam Answers

These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

NOV

30th November 2004, 07:46 PM

A married couple is driving along a highway doing steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

Querida

1st December 2004, 02:33 AM

Querida

1st December 2004, 02:45 AM

:D :D :D :lol: :D :D :D @ NM and NOV thank you for further brightnening up my day with your jokes...!!!

1st December 2004, 06:05 AM

NOV,

That was a gooooood one!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Querida...
Didn't know that joke received the award!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

Cindy

1st December 2004, 01:04 PM

Glimpses Of Indian Culture…

GOANS

One Goan is Remo Fernandes.

Two Goans is a Feni distillery.

Three Goans is a football club.

Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.

MALAYALEES

One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.

Two Malayalees is a boat race.

Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.

Four Malayalees is an oil slick.

TAMILIANS

One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.

Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.

Three Tamilians is a classical music school.

Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.

ANDHRAITES

One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.

Two Andhraites is a spice shop.

Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.

Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.

BENGALIS

One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.

Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.

Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.

Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.

RAJASTHANIS

One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.

Two Rajasthanis is a mason.

Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.

Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.

MANGALOREANS

One Mangalorean is a supari seller.

Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.

Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.

Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.

BOMBAYITES

One Bombayite is a hawker.

Two Bombayites is a film industry.

Three Bombayites is a slum.

Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.

MAHARASHTRIANS

One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.

Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.

Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.

Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.

GUJARATIS

One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.

Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.

Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.

Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.

KUTCHIES

One Kutchi is a kirana shop.

Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.

Three Kutchis is a saree shop.

Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.

SARDARJIS

One Sardarji is a truck-driver.

Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.

Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan.

Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.

SINDHIS

One Sindhi is a currency racket.

Two Sindhis is a papad factory.

Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.

Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).

BIHARIS

One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.

Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.

Three Biharis is a caste killing.

Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.

BHAIYYAS

One Bhaiyya( U.P. Wala) is a milkman.

Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).

Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.

Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.

(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).

KASHMIRIS

One Kashmiri is a boatman.

Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.

Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.

Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.

KANNADIGAS

One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.

Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.

Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.

Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.

PUNJABIS

One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.

Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.

Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.

Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.

PARSIS

One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs.

Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.

Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.

Four Parsis is half their remaining population.

Querida

1st December 2004, 10:10 PM

What was funny about that was that i didn't get it...and yet let me glimpse into narrowminded stereotypes...hopefully it's funnier to others...

2nd December 2004, 02:45 PM

Cindy,
When I read it I tried very hard to understand it...but.....

Anyway, no offense to anyone, but, Querida, if it had ended this way, to sum up for the Indians, guess it would've have been funny...hee hee hee....

.......
One Indian is a HUMAN
Two Indians is a FAMILY
Three Indians is a GOSSIP
Four Indians is WAR
More and more Indians is NANDU in a huge basket!!!

Am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get that dream of yours (Querida) coming true for saying what I think....

Querida

2nd December 2004, 10:46 PM

ohhhh NM you read that....(sigh) i thought hubbers would think i went off the deep end for good so deleted it :D anyways hahaha yeah urs was funny....if you dreamed that i was going to reply that i think you owe me back the tears you made me shed from laughing too much then happy deja-vu to you too :P :D

a.ratchasi

3rd December 2004, 06:51 AM

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Bea," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

Querida

3rd December 2004, 10:05 PM

:o :shock: ayyo chee! :P @ Rathchasi....still you got to admit it was funny :P

krishnan

3rd December 2004, 11:37 PM

Hai Folks,
Its really funny...

Read with proper tone and accent.....

T.R's Poem on Danush / Ishwarya wedding

Yei Aishu

Ungappa Jayava pidicharu Kakka
Nee en payanukku koduthitta Dekka
Dhanusha thallikittu poitta shokka
Nalu nala en payan kedakkan Seeka

Dhanush kaiyalla nee kattikitta Thali
En payan mella nee vacha love poli
Un Vazhkaiyilla inimae dailyum holi
En payan vazhkai mothama galli

Dhanushoda nee pottuta pudhu Quote
En payana nee vittuta jute
Mari poittiyedi route
Ozhigha Dhanush-Ishwarya Kootu

Eppavumae super en simbu
Dhanushukku irukka rendu kombu
Vachikkadha enghakitta vambu
Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu

davie

4th December 2004, 12:13 AM

davie

4th December 2004, 01:46 AM

H,

Yei Aishu

Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu

lol. no karuvadu

querida just five more and ur there

Surya

4th December 2004, 01:46 AM

Ratchashi,
good one. :lol:

Surya

4th December 2004, 01:58 AM

Here is one.

A guy dies, Lets call him bob, and he's waiting in line to get to heaven. A man lets call him Tim, with a big book in his hand, stands @ the gateway that leads into heaven. There are a couple guys in front of bob in line. Tim askes the first guy.
"How many times have you cheated on your wife."
1st guy: 3 times.
Tim hands him a Ford, with flat tires, and bullet holes in the windshield, and says,
"this is what you have to trael around hevean in, for you small sins."

The next guy, Tim askes teh same question.
and the guy says, 5 Times. Tim pulls out a Motor Bike, with flat tires also, and only one brake works and says the same.

Bob goes to Tim and Tim askes the same question. Bob says, Never. Tim looks through his big book, and finds out that BOB isn't lying. So he applauds him and gives him a brand new Porche.

So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking. :lol:

If you don't get it, its not funny, when its explained. :)

Regards.
8)

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 02:12 AM

So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking. :lol:

With whom? With Tim?
You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell?

BTW, it is Porsche and not Porche, excuse me please!

Surya

4th December 2004, 02:13 AM

/////You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell? ////
:lol: :lol:

Surya

4th December 2004, 02:14 AM

[quote=Surya]So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking. :lol:

With whom? With Tim?
quote]

No walking as in she cheaten on him so many times that she didn't even desearve the bad car or motorcycle.

Told you its not funny when explained. :P

Later.
8)

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 02:17 AM

A woman in her early 90s consults a doctor and wants to be infected with AIDS.
Why do you want to be infected? asked her doctor.

I want to pass the 100. With AIDS you can survive atleast ten years she said

Surya

4th December 2004, 02:19 AM

:lol: :lol:

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 02:26 AM

A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes

Querida

4th December 2004, 02:42 AM

Surya that was real good! Makes up for your A-row B-row joke :P :wink:

ok i have one...
Ben and Jill had been happily married for 50 years, their secret to a happy marriage was a drawer where whatever they kept in the drawer was not ever seen by the other....well on their 51st anniversary...Ben thought heck it's been so many years it's now or never to see what's in that drawer of hers...so while his wife was out shopping he peeked in the drawer. What he saw was a single egg and $5000.
He thought to himself oh what have i done, i should be ashamed of myself...i will tell her what i did when she comes back.
Later in the day, Ben finally worked up the courage to tell his wife what he did.
-Jill im so sorry but i looked in your secret drawer, can you ever forgive me?
-Ben what you did was wrong but it's ok.
-Well then Jill can you tell me why you keep an egg in your drawer
-Well Ben i promised myself when we got married that if I ever cheated on you i would place an egg in the drawer, to remind me always of my infidelity.
-So in all the years we've been married you have only cheated on me once! Oh i am so lucky to have such a wife as dedicated as you!
-that is so very good of you Ben
-hey just wondering how long did it take you to save up $5000?
-Well Ben that's from all the eggs i sold.... :lol: :D

Querida

4th December 2004, 02:44 AM

A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes

sorry i dont get it what about the french man?

Surya

4th December 2004, 05:22 AM

:lol: :lol: @ Querida's joke.

Yeah I didn't really get the one with the french guy either. :?

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 08:51 AM

Poor guy that Ben. What is in your drawer Querida :lol: ? NIce one.

sorry i dont get it what about the french man?

this is a kind of rasistic joke. German and French white people, well educated, 1st world ... thinking Africans, 3rd world, no manner, comming from the bush. This afrcan could have been an Indian too. Does not matter where they are from. White think they are superior. The african chews on the bones because it is tasty. I like it too. When my mom cooks she thinks of me always and I get always the bones and our dog the flesh. No, really it is tasty just to chew it, not eat it.
This is compareable with us indians using fingers and europeans use forke or spoon.

Ghlli

4th December 2004, 09:21 AM

Funny jokes mamu. :lol:

Querida

4th December 2004, 09:38 AM

illaya.....bboy go back and read the where you posted the joke....i understand the joke and it was good...but i think you forgot to mention what the french guy said in the context of the joke...thats all the punch line was loud and clearly funny

Querida

4th December 2004, 09:40 AM

Nice Movie lines Ghilli!
The movie was great as well!
I laughed so hard when Prakash Raj says Chellam...i love you da!!!

Ghlli

4th December 2004, 10:36 AM

I love you da. Chellam, Va di, yen rasathi, va ma chellam, va ma, VAADI!!!!!

and appo than namma thalaivar vandhu 'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha va kaapathuvaru. Super Scene. :D

Surya

4th December 2004, 11:25 AM

Nice new Avatar Q! :)
Ghilli was a pretty good movie, I loved the music, and the background score. My fav is when Vijay is trying to get Trisha out of madhurai and they go inside a garden, and Trisha and Vijay fall down and roll down a hill. And Trisha says "please leave, don't risk your life for me. etc.

And vijay says,
I don't just walk away abondoning what i"ve started, etc. and he opens his palm and trisha looks at him. This is my fav scene because the background score goes like this during this second. "Aachu.....Gumchu." which was pretty nice. :)

Surya

4th December 2004, 11:26 AM

///'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha ////

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Surya

4th December 2004, 11:50 AM

Ghilli,
Introduce yourself @ the getting to know you thread.
Reagards. 8)

Hemant Trived1

4th December 2004, 05:08 PM

Well.......... I love of limmericks...the following is my all time favourite.

There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat". :lol:

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 05:10 PM

Bad Boy

4th December 2004, 05:15 PM

There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat". :lol:

Fantastic, ROTFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Querida

6th December 2004, 01:20 AM

Querida,

could it be you belong to our unique, kind and warring coaliton?

Something in me says so but your German disturbs me a bit. There was a viNmIn of old hub tried to fool me with German from the translator. He wrote about my "mater Hund". he spoke of Bettina as my mating dog. "mater" does not exists in German.

I'm sorry Badboy...this is the first time i am active in this hub...before i felt it was over my head...and most of the replies didn't help the topic..anyways...i didn't use a translator...it was just my jumbled memory from what i remembered from classes..nowadays i find myself mixing up my spanish and italian as well...since they are close...especially the accent....translaters are useless...four in french i gives your four, for and oven. Hmmm well it was exactly those kind of posts that steered me away from the earlier hub...that and everyone already seemed so established and know each other too..neways i hope you gave that one an apt reply!

Bad Boy

6th December 2004, 01:37 AM

I like your style ... I don't know why...must be the hidden blows in there...your humour i suppose make me feel familiar then...very good you are here... I smile while I go through your "pissings"

My Manneken Piss avatar became a victim of the hub moderator... I posted him and Admin a little bit of sight seeing info, if ever they come to Europe that will help them to organize their tour :lol:
I also told them I intend to come as the German Panzer... that is for me the same as this threatning sharp pike like knife like weapon. :(

Anyway, we'll leave these ad-mods beside and talk now about learning languages. If you are learning Italian or Spanish then you almost automatically speak portugese too.

Querida

6th December 2004, 01:54 AM

Bad Boy

6th December 2004, 02:21 AM

actually portguese is quite a different language before it was spanish-influenced...i can see this in SL tamil because a lot of the words we use came from the portuguese but the words now have changed and you can only find the trace in spanish words

like sappathu -shoes
zapatos

almari
almirah

kusini
cucina

and so on..but have not pursued portuguese...now just trying to polish my reading skills in tamil...
well it's nice to know a promient hubber who appreciates dark humour as much as me finds my posting the least bit amusing

Regarding almira:
When I first used this in our English class in Germany, my teacher asked what it means. from that day I only use wardrobe because he proved me wrong by it is not Oxford-English. Then after a week or two he said he has problems to understand my SL-English though, its funny my school mates had no problems to understand my SL-English, even my former English teachers never said they don't understand me. I quit English as a major subject and followed the class led by an real American Mr. Reed. After that I stoped leanring or practising english at all. Now I've got the German pronounciation, who cares.

Paan is a typical word common to ITA, ESP and POR.
Kakkuus, i guess comes from Dutch. In German Kacke means Scheisse(D) haus is house, in Dutch huus(?) and Kack the same. --> Scheisshaus or kack-huus.

Are you from SL? Me yes, Jaffna.

Regarding the humour, I hope you don't feel hard here to dance. I have massive problems with moderators and administrators. They think I attack them with every single letter I type. So I also copied Surya and posted only emoticons, but that did not help either. What to do? Now I also have to take care of a new avatar. Perhaps the inexisting smoking twin towers? Is it already demolished or is it still collapsing? :lol:

Querida

6th December 2004, 03:41 AM

yeah i had that same problem...but i couldn't pursue french at that age so i stuck to english..that and i stubbornly debate my use of words..like when i used singlet..which maybe used alot by SL english..but still is an english word..my kindergarten teacher said that i was confusing the two languages...but later she said she asked a british friend and found she was wrong...so what german accent...i hate this thing where brit accent is so upheld...and american accent is so annoying...i am still pursuing english...hey i was wondering about that word...thanx :lol: yes u are right about paan...

actually i remember one incident in kindergarten where i asked to borrow a rubber...meaning an eraser...and i was told not say that but eraser...im just glad i did not ask the same thing now...i definitly would have been handed something :P :wink:

hmmm well parents were born in Jaffna....still feels ties to there...but also to Malaysia where i was born...i dont belong fully belong to either...everyone picks that out so easily...one group ohhh i see how you are like the other...so yeah...

Puhleese the twin towers have become a bloody tourist site...not only do they cry over tragedy they make an utter spectacle of it too...oooooh mommmy can we take a pic infront of rubble and unidentified body parts?

a.ratchasi

6th December 2004, 06:57 AM

hi hi hi...seems like i have missed the fun during the weekend!!
It is the darn first week of the month, time for the dreaded REeeeeeeeeeportssss!

And guys, Miss Bea was the first mail that I read at 7:55am that day and my day throughout was great...thanks to the early morning humour!!

Anyways, nice to meet you Ghilli!

NOV

6th December 2004, 04:07 PM

HER DIARY (19 lines)

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else.
Oh, God...why me??
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY (2 lines)

Today Manchester United lost to Arsenal.
DAMN IT. &U^$%%^#$#&^* !!!!!!!!

NOV

6th December 2004, 04:09 PM

A company, feeling it was time for a shape up, hires a
new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company
of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and
relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy
working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his
staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to
the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams,
"Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come
back!".

Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me which department| that worker belonged
to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."

Cindy

6th December 2004, 07:52 PM

Nov

both were just fun-tastic...

anything more??

NOV

6th December 2004, 08:49 PM

Are you sure you want the whole lot in one day Cindy? :)
Ok, here are some short ones to whet your appetite. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's
funeral, she stepped in to see you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"

"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

krishnan

6th December 2004, 08:57 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all
have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front
row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"

Querida

6th December 2004, 10:06 PM

Nov and Krishnan thank you for those great jokes...i needed those especially the weather outside is not funny at all...so i have gotten some sunny laughs within this dreary white bleakness :D

Surya

8th December 2004, 01:16 AM

Here's one. Some may not like it though.

Its about a guy named Dave.

There once was a surfer named Dave.
One day he found a dead whore on a wave.
She smelled like Sh*t and was missing a Tit, but hey, think about the money he saved.

Sorry if its too *green* guys. :)
Regards. :D

Surya

8th December 2004, 06:12 AM

WOW! :shock:
More people hate it then I thought.

Regards.
8)

Querida

8th December 2004, 07:50 AM

Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya... :?

Surya

8th December 2004, 09:21 AM

Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya... :?

No, green as in Pachai. But yeah, I thought it might be when I wrote it.

Surya

8th December 2004, 09:59 AM

I was quiet discusted when I first heard these kind of jokes also, but after a few years in America, I got used to it. I think that its mainly young American guys who find these jokes funny.

Anywayz, just testing the stomach of the Hubbers.

Regards
8)

Querida

9th December 2004, 01:26 AM

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
>
> hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
> experience.
>
> Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
>
> have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
>
> face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
>
> time to live, she figured she might as well look nicer.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>
> crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
>
> ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>
> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
>
> ambulance?"
>
> God replied,
>
> "GirrLLLLLL..., I didn't even recognize you!"

a.ratchasi

9th December 2004, 06:57 AM

Christmas Cookies

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups of dried fruit 1 cup of brown sugar
1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey

Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Jack Daniel's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK, try another cup ...just in
case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel's to check for
tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS

Surya

9th December 2004, 07:13 AM

Q & Rathchachi,
Good ones. :lol:

Cindy

9th December 2004, 02:49 PM

ha ha ha ha ha ..... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ratchasi... that was uproarious!!!!!!

Hyderabadi

11th December 2004, 03:39 PM

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.

The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top," she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.

"I was on top," was the reply.

"You will have a baby girl." said the doctor.

With this, Jeeto, Santa's wife burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies?"

unhappyboy

12th December 2004, 02:42 PM

A Sardar is walking along the pavement of a busy road. There is a manhole in the middle of the narrow pavement. Passersby suddenly
notice a girl fallling into the open manhole. People scream in horror to
other passersby. Suddenly in the melee, people find rthe sardar in the same manhole liftting the girl with his arms .With a help of member sof the public both are hauled out and placed on the pavement. Suddenly a passerby notices the Sardar looking frantically in different
directions. The curious passerby asks " Hey Sardar who are you searching for" . Sardar replies" Arre bhai I am looking for the saala who pushed me in to the manhole"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

davie

12th December 2004, 11:32 PM

News Update of the Hour
======================

* No bombings in Kashmir today

* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock

* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident
Literacy soars up to 86% in India

* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family
Planning.

* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians

* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude

* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst

* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games

* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software

* Laloo to be made National Animal

* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of
Independence.

* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a
stick and some Pottasium Permanganate

* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526

* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires

* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in
Jail

:lol: :wink:

Querida

13th December 2004, 05:20 AM

:lol: great news Davie...hmmm you didn't paint your eyecatching avatar all by yourself now did you? :P

Bad Boy

13th December 2004, 09:28 PM

Two suicide bombers Hassan and Ali on their way to fulfill their mission. Each of them equipped with a backpack and explosive-belt.

Ali, you are so careless man, take care of your backpack. The bomb may explode unexpected.

Hassan, that does not matter. If my backpack explodes then I have still got my explosives-belt.

Querida

14th December 2004, 03:10 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: pure jokes @ BBoy!

Querida

14th December 2004, 03:17 AM

A rabbit hops into a hardware store and approaches the store clerk:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no we don't now go away'

five minutes later he returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no what did i tell you last time? This is a hardware store no carrots!"

an hour later the rabbit returns again:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no!!! We sell hardware! Next time you come here im gonna rip you a new airhole with a screwdriver!'

for the next two days nothing
then on the third day the rabbit returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any screwdrivers?'
'uhhh no we're all out..."
'then sir, do you have any carrots?' :D :P

Surya

14th December 2004, 08:40 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Good one Querida

Bad Boy

14th December 2004, 04:08 PM

I sure got a screw driver! A really big one! LOL@Querida

OVER 16 ONLY
A horny pair enjoying their habbit under a tree.
Suddenly the lady saw a boy watching them making love and screamed " A Boy, a Boy, Goaaad a Boy"
Her lover replied "I'm trying! I'm trying"

(a very old one, i heard it first when I was 10 or 11 and I did not understand it that time about 30 years ago mid 70s)

Querida

14th December 2004, 10:39 PM

OVER 16 ONLY

whoa i wasn't even thought of in the 70s :P anyways it's gotten so bad nowadays that age restriction has got to be way lower..que lastima...what a shame :?

Querida

15th December 2004, 02:22 AM

Where Are We?

An Icelander, an Australian, and an Indian are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the plane.
The Icelander sticks his hand out and says "We are in Iceland". The others ask, "How do you know?",
the Icelander says, "because it's so cold".
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia",
the others ask "How do you know?",
he replies "because it's so hot".
Then the Indian sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in India", the others ask "How do you know?",
he says " because my watch in gone".
:P

Querida

15th December 2004, 02:25 AM

Child's Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION...I PRAY FOR A NEW CD PLAYER..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Querida

15th December 2004, 02:35 AM

A Few Days Off

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Querida

15th December 2004, 02:47 AM

Things We Learned From Indian Movies :P

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

mellon

15th December 2004, 05:23 AM

Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the sob. That's my policy. 8)

The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that? :x

Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross! :roll:

davie

15th December 2004, 07:28 AM

WOOLGATHERERS (from giant book of insults)
He took his wife instead of the secretary to the dinner
He slammed his wife and kissed the door
He picked up a snake and hit the stick
He poured ketchup on his shoelaces and tied knots in his spaghetti
At her wedding he told her courage how lovely it looked, and threw her bridemaid down the stairs
He dictated to his cigar and got his secretary lit.
:)

Bad Boy

15th December 2004, 03:26 PM

Hey hey hey people,

a joke per day keeps the doctor away but what if there are more than one joke a day? More doctors treating you?

Querida,
ROTFL :lol:

My grandma was not deaf but poor! :sad:

Querida

16th December 2004, 12:42 AM

My grandma was not deaf but poor! :sad:

grandparents spoiling grandchildren is more of a western ideal...my grandma was so strict and stern i was learning etiquette rather than getting gifts...but well i kinda forget... :P

Surya

17th December 2004, 06:54 AM

Here's one:

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Querida

17th December 2004, 09:37 AM

Surya! Im shocked!! Not really :D i've heard the first one before...i dont if this is a good thing or a bad thing that you found your joke book :wink: :P

Surya

17th December 2004, 09:46 AM

:lol: Because the jokies are 16 or above?

I'll try to post some PG-13 Jokes, if not PG. G rated jokes are too bland. :)

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:10 AM

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look

at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem

Can there be greater than this one?

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:12 AM

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,

troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries

or troubles.

Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:14 AM

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me

to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:14 AM

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if

my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied

Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 5

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:18 AM

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

"My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans,"

said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:18 AM

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a

millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.

What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:19 AM

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Hyderabadi

17th December 2004, 11:19 AM

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty

face or my beautiful figure? He looked at her from head to toe and

replied: I like your sense of humor.

blahblah

17th December 2004, 12:16 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: continue.

Surya

18th December 2004, 01:21 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Excellent! hydrabadi!!

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Thiru

18th December 2004, 02:16 AM

Guys, pls refrain from posting adult jokes in the thread... Though its only for fun, it would offend some hubbers.. .hope u understand... Thanks

Surya

18th December 2004, 03:10 AM

Ok Thiru,
Sorry about that. :)

Surya

21st December 2004, 04:10 AM

Wife:
What do you like better? My beautiful face, or my Slim Body?

Husband looks at her up and down, and says:
I like your sense of Humor.

Querida

21st December 2004, 08:33 AM

Hey Surya I've heard that one before..here from old posts... :P

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell
you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered
the young man.

"Clearly, you are a IT Consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct,"
says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required."
answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my
dog."

Surya

21st December 2004, 08:45 AM

:oops: :oops:

a.ratchasi

21st December 2004, 09:00 AM

Q, :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hyderabadi

21st December 2004, 09:34 AM

A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

Hyderabadi

21st December 2004, 09:40 AM

A fellow was dating a girl and the first time he went to her parents home she took him into the den where all her father's hunting trophies were displayed. There were deer antlers and bear heads all over the walls.

The fellow said, "Your father must be quite a hunter!"

Then he said, "What are those two round white things on the mantle?"

She said, "Those are daddy's golf balls."

About a week later the fellow was at her house again and he saw 4 round white things on the mantle, and said, "I see your daddy must have shot another golf."

Bad Boy

21st December 2004, 03:22 PM

Surya,
get rid of your avatar!

Don't cause trouble here!

We all know that you have finshed your school so we expect a little bit less stupidity in the future.
What would you do if I picture my greatest weapon between my legs and post it here? Turning red or horny? That won't be tolerated either. I don't want to see your sharp pecker here!

Moderators, Please take care!

NOV

21st December 2004, 07:18 PM

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Surya

22nd December 2004, 12:58 AM

Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things. :roll:
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie "Giri" I know that you've gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn't understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don't bother other people with your perversions. :lol:

Regards. 8)

Surya

22nd December 2004, 12:59 AM

:lol: :lol: @ NOV

Querida

22nd December 2004, 10:32 AM

:oops: :oops:

:( oh did i offend you Surya? I'm Sorry...i didnt meant to at all...i didnt even know you were in IT...

Hyderabadi

22nd December 2004, 11:03 AM

First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor :

The first is that you are not disgusted by anything
involving the human body." For an example, the
professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in
his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.Now learn to pay attention......

Hyderabadi

22nd December 2004, 11:07 AM

A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town. The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem.

"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the local minister. "Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?

The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight.

To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike, the district minister finally asked, "Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect?"

Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one man in the back stood up.

The district minister asked the man, "And why do you stand, sir?"

The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife's first husband who was."

Hyderabadi

22nd December 2004, 11:13 AM

Calling all math's genius to try this....and prove the logic...

The mum is 21 years older than the child.
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.

Question :

Where's the father?

Try first, before you check the answer below!

Solution :

The mum is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

Hence,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
3 = 4C
C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.

So right now, the father is on top of the mother

Bad Boy

22nd December 2004, 11:47 PM

Surya wrote this
Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things. :roll:
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie \"Giri\" I know that you\'ve gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn\'t understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don\'t bother other people with your perversions. :lol:

Regards. 8)

You must be that much inverted to call my deeds and words as perversions. Is it a new word for you, where do you came across. Let me tell you one thing as I am old enough I don\'t let me advice from a greenhorn who writes \"nice post\", \"I agree\", .... making the use of emoticons inflationary.

Ok, and don\'t make waves with your weapons here. What do you think, if you only can, would happen when I again start to make trouble? It is impossible to ban me. Admods and Moderators have realized that or I made them accept this fact. Get it into your verminized grey cells: I can even get you out of here! The Manneken Piss is a landmark in Belgium but it was removed forcibly and I won\'t hesitate to annoy the hub once again if you remain sticking to your weapons.
So first bother your business in your Gay Area you vermin in the US.
I am quite sure the Moderators will understand my point as they are not interested in having too much work.

Now a thought crosses my mind! I have a very nice one. That will explode this Hub! Who was this murdering \'holy\' priest. I saw him wearing a pair of wonderful Bangles arround his wrists. Are they hand cuffs? Why don\'t you collect money and make golden hand cuffs?

Surya

23rd December 2004, 01:44 AM

Terroist BB,
I do make posts such as "I agree" and "Nice Posts" because I agree with them, and don't shoot off my mouth with anyone and everyone in the hub like a rabid dog like some people. :roll:

Wow,
Nice threats! :lol:
But let me point out that you're not the only person who can sneak inside the hub with proxy servers, and circumvent the IP banning concequence. I can just as easily do that too. It's impossible to ban anyone completly from the HUB. But that's the difference between you and me. I would rather not do something like that. You come to the HUB to create trouble, and use it as a outlet for your homosexual perversions about the San Francisco. I come here to Socialize and interact with fellow hubbers. So keep your threats to yourself you transvestite terrorist in Europe.

Surya

23rd December 2004, 01:45 AM

Querida,
:lol:

Guys,
Lets not get off the topic here, and continue with the jokes. :D

Regards. 8)

Cindy

23rd December 2004, 06:04 AM

ok. here is one

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

Akash

23rd December 2004, 06:57 PM

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Akash

23rd December 2004, 07:11 PM

NEVER ARGUE WITH OLD MAN

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made lovewith a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

Surya

24th December 2004, 05:25 AM

Akash!!!
Hilarious man!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

24th December 2004, 08:54 AM

Hi Querida, Akash, Hydrabadi, Surya, Bad Boy, NOV, Cindy and all others, THANK YOU for all the jokes ....I have really enjoyed reading all of them, even though I hv been silent for a few weks now..... my fingers were itchy today, so, decided to come in and load a few jokes.........

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!! :D :D :D

Here goes...
Joke 1.

A guy (Muthu), wanna to get marry in few days time, so he decided to seek fortune teller's (Josiyakarer) advice.

Josiyakarer: Errmm.., ningel intha pennei kalyanum pannal, oru DHOSAM pogividum.
Muthu: :) :) Hare Wah, athu nalla visuyum than!, Anyway, athu entha
DHOSAM? Naaga dhosam ma? Sevvai dhosam ma?
Josiyakarer: sanDHOSAM!
Muthu: $#%$^%&#!!

Joke 2:

Rajini: Naalu 'T', Oru 'G' vachchu, oru English word sollunga
Kamal: (After thinking for a while!) Therila...neengalae sollunga!
Rajini: Originality. (Oru 'g' naalu 't')

Joke 3:

Question: What is a pressure cooker called in Japanese ?
Answer: "Vegumo Vekkatho"

Joke 4:

What would be the BEST name for the building, that Tamilian and Japanese build together?
Answer : "Nikkumo Nikkadho"

Joke 5:

Question: Vengaya kadai karanga ellam sangam vachcha enna peyar vaippanga?
Answer: Onion Union

Joke 6:

A standard one boy is sitting in the examination hall to write his first Exam. Suddenly he took off his clothes and began to write by only wearing his
underwear.
The teacher puzzled of what he is doing and asked why he is doing like that?.
The boy showed the Question Paper's Instruction "EXPLAIN IN BRIEF".

Joke 7:

James Bond vs Indian Guy.

Once, James Bond and an Indian guy were flying together, seated next to each other.

Indian Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"

James Bond: "I am Bond...James Bond."

James Bond: "And you?"

Indian Guy: "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai... Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata
Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Vvenkata Sai
..Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai."

James Bond collapses.

Joke 8:

A giant panda enters a restaurant and orders food. After eating, the panda takes a gun from its bag and starts shooting all over the place.
The stunned manager stops the leaving panda and asks it why it had to do such a thing. The panda says, "I am panda! I am supposed to do this! " and
leaves.
The confused manager finds a dictionaryand scrambles for the page and looks up at the entry for panda.
It says, " Panda: A tree-dwelling asian mammal with white markings on the body. Eats shoots and leaves "

Rajni4ever

24th December 2004, 08:58 AM

How obout this joke:
a family of tomatoes are walking down the street. the baby tomato trips and falls down so the biggest tomatoe stomps on him and saeys ketchup!
Its from pulp Fiction :D

Surya

24th December 2004, 10:14 AM

Good jokes.
Looks like the oru"g"naalu"t" has gotten quite popular. :D

Akash

24th December 2004, 10:30 AM

NEW EMPLOYEE

A man joined a big multinational Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee,quickly!" .....

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and hung up the phone.

Akash

24th December 2004, 10:45 AM

God 'Grand' Father - Y does Italians need Guns??

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"

"Yes grandpa, I guess so."

"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"

Querida

24th December 2004, 11:52 AM

oooh thanx y'all for making my happy holidaze hilarious! Akash pure jokes....no more sonic :( love that trainee one! NM glad you're back! Thank for the laffs..and Hyderabadi again what to say but come more often! And Surya..did you turn the other cheek? So no :oops: anymore good :D sooo that means more IT jokes just kidding...maybe :P :D

Rajni4ever

24th December 2004, 01:40 PM

Akash that is a funny one :lol:

Akash

24th December 2004, 02:45 PM

Querida, I was just checking the Avatars.. I always have our Favourite Sonic!! you know, i tried hard to get that Gif :)

Then Surya, NM, Querida, Rajini4ever and all... its nice to hear you guys like these Instant Jokes... Here comes one more!!

Never Insult Anyone

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAwhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, nowirritated, Then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you aChinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???

"The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked, Whatkind of 'key' was he.The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of'-key' am I?!

"The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

24th December 2004, 03:21 PM

Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!! :lol: :lol: :lol: That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....

Hey Akash, Querida & Badboy and all, why don't you visit the Thodar kathai thread and let your imagination run wild???
It's fun!

OK- see you all next week....wil be busy this weekend, trying to come up with a super thodar for Surya's ending.....

Hv a great weekend!

Bad Boy

24th December 2004, 04:52 PM

Surya sweet butt take care of your meal. I think your vegetarian food causes you a lot of gasing problems. You have been farting like as if someone has opened the valve. What a gay dancing at the Bay Area!

Asurya PichchaikAri, I was talking of pacific avatars. If you don't mind becomming a new bie then let me only know, you can then continue with the emoticon postings to become a senior hubber. Even Admins know that I am serious about hacking into the Hub at any time. I mean no one will ever trace where it comes from but it will definitely not from Germany. But it will come.

BTW, let me update your mud in side your dump up above your shoulders!
It was me who uncovered the annonymized surfers first and offered the hubbers how to do it in the old forum. At that time you were licking your rasist friend 'Star'. I also made it public how to do it.There after only you came with your university loverboy Madhavan, do You remember that Gay from Bay. Now I am even able to hack into the Hub. What do you say now? So be cautious and don't even think of your RSS-Bootlickers when you participate here!
This is the final warning. I hope the Administrator or Moderator warn you too.

Akash

24th December 2004, 06:07 PM

Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!! :lol: :lol: :lol: That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....

NM, i remember the title, but forgot it in whole!! check it out if you have it!! :)

SEX Education

Santa's mother-in-law, who was living with them, greeted Santa's son, Pappu.

"What did you learn today?" she asked.

"Sex education. All about AIDS, Teenage Pregnancy and intercourse n stuff," he replied, matter-of-factly.

The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to Jeeto.

Jeeto replied, "Mom, don't worry. These days, it's all part of the curriculum."

A few hours later, dinner was announced. The grandmother went to fetch her grandson in his bedroom. She opened the bedroom door and noticed him on his bed, vigorously "HELPing himself with his HAND".

"Pappu," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."

Surya

25th December 2004, 06:11 AM

Terroist Transvestite in Europe, Bad Boy,
You just keep proving my point idiot! :lol: You come here to create trouble. And do you think I care, if my status goes back to being a newbie hubber? Let's see if its possible by YOU. I'm not going to fall for blabberings some drunk transvestite nazi wannabe. :lol: And who the hell is Madhavan? :? Schizophrenia is curable. Just talk to a Shrink. I just hope that you don't drive him crazy :lol:

Almost everyone in this forum knows that I'm a RSS/Bajrang Dal/VHP supporter. There has not been a need for me to express my Ideas in that area yet, but if there is, I will not hesitate to post my opinions just because a depressed Sitzo, barking like a rabid dog in Europe, doesn't want me to. :lol:

Final Warning???? This is starting to become a joke!! :lol: You've been saying that in almost all of your postings lately. You're just all talk. :lol:

Querida,
:lol: Come one, hit us with the IT jokes. :D

Akash

27th December 2004, 12:34 PM

Marriage FUN

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better than beingmurdered.

Equation:
7 Glances = 1 Smile
7 Smiles = 1 Meeting
7 Meetings = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposals = 1 Marriage

And that 1 Bloody marriage has 7777777777777 Problems,
So beware of a glance!

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tensionand panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant.

Querida

28th December 2004, 09:53 AM

Oh Akash you are too too much! That was hilarious!!!! I know exactly what you mean that is why i go out of my way to say arranged marriage and independent marriage...because whichever is the cause for marriage there should be love in a marriage...

Akash

28th December 2004, 11:07 AM

what you said is Perfect , Querida!!

hope i am not confusing....
If we just being mature and think "Love marriage is the one that's best, It involves our own emotion & Decisions and that involves only LOVE" and where as "Arranged marriage is the one thats a short of compulsion that keeps the both together, that's y we stay together with lots of adjustment and commitments"

But after all, in both we r aiming the same!! Love, Commitment, Independence!! So, no matter how we start, its all about how we proceed.

shreek

28th December 2004, 01:19 PM

here's one guys-----

judge asked the boy "would u want to live with your mother?!!"

boy," oh! no, mother beats me".

judge asked again" would u want to live with your father?!!"

boy said " oh! no, father beats me too".

judge asked confused " then with whom you want to live?!!"

boy said sincerellly." with the Indian Cricket Team, they dont beat any one!!"...................

Akash

28th December 2004, 07:14 PM

Matter of Solving Problems

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

Surya

29th December 2004, 01:57 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this? :lol:

Hyderabadi

29th December 2004, 11:33 AM

Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K

verification task.

Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on
budget. We have gone through every line of code
in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K"
date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to
me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to
do next year when the two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely

Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader

Hyderabadi

29th December 2004, 11:42 AM

Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.

Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

Johnny shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."

The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some puss****y!!!"

Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?"

Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

Hyderabadi

29th December 2004, 11:44 AM

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

Hyderabadi

29th December 2004, 11:51 AM

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

Akash

29th December 2004, 02:43 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this? :lol:
Hey, these are all from my mail client's folder named - "Goodies".... :D!! I missed many Fw: mails, when i moved to new job... Surya, it happend only in IT :wink:

Akash

29th December 2004, 02:45 PM

Do you know yr BOSS??

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

Querida

11th January 2005, 03:11 AM

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!
"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook....

11th January 2005, 06:43 PM

Joke............have fun!

Ah Huay went for a job interview (Secretary job).
When the Manager saw Ah Huay with her colorful attire and colored hair, he told himself " NOT THIS WOMAN"!! Nevertheless, he still need to entertain this woman....! :twisted: :twisted:

So he decided to give her a Quiz..

Manager : If you could make a sentence using all these words I give you, you'll get the job..
Ah Huay : Yes, SIR!
Manager : The words are Green, pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black. :poke: :poke: :poke:
After a minute of silence, Manager was about to open his mouth when Ah Huay said :

"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I went to "PINK" up the phone and said "YELLOW, BLUE'S that?" WHITE did you say?....Aiyaaah.... wrong number-mah...., next time don't PURPLY di'turb people and don't call BLACK, Okay?

The Manager fainted!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Surya

12th January 2005, 12:43 AM

:rotfl: :lol: :lol2:

Good Ones guys!!

NOV

12th January 2005, 11:50 AM

Reasons To Drink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

hehehewalrus

12th January 2005, 01:12 PM

NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist.

NOV

12th January 2005, 01:41 PM

NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist.You are absolutely right hhw.
Pls suggest a new name.

12th January 2005, 02:24 PM

I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one??

NOV

13th January 2005, 11:57 AM

I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one??The thread has been renamed as Indian Jokes. Thanks for all your views.

NOV

13th January 2005, 12:00 PM

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I dont have any worries or
troubles.
Girl : Well, that because we arent married yet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife : What? At 2 am?!!
Husband : Yes, we used night clubs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?".
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly: "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam : "Let me see your report card"
Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the rommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?".
"He is the original owner."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher asked her class for sentences using word "beans"
"My father grow beans, " said one student.
"My father cook beans, "said another.
Then Ah Beng's youngest son spoke up "We are all human
beans"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire : I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer : Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire : A Billionaire...

13th January 2005, 02:35 PM

NOV : Thanks.... :) for the rename..

NOV : for the jokes...... :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
Where have all the ladies gone to????? Querida? Ratchasi?? Come on...we need to give some for the boys..... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

13th January 2005, 03:09 PM

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." :evil:

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............

"HEBREWS"
:poke: :poke: :rotfl: :rotfl:

13th January 2005, 06:50 PM

Gonna be a Bear

In this life I’m a woman.
In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that!

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you’re sleeping and wake up up to partially grown cute, cuddly cubs.
I could certainly deal with that!!

If you’re a Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who and bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that too!!!!!!!!!

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and EXCESS body fat!!!
Yup, Gonna be a bear! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 10:54 AM

Banta is a bit embarrassed and says "Look doctor, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask....."

"No," said Banta, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, "You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

Banta goes home and tells Preeto that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 11 kids to chase after! Eleven kids to wash, feed, cloth, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 10:56 AM

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 5000 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 rupee note and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 10:57 AM

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

blahblah

19th January 2005, 11:06 AM

Hydera-BAD-i,
Please open a dirty jokes thread so that people can avoid it,or try and find out some other place where you can shell out such stories in privacy.Such a place may be closer than you think. :huh:

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 11:18 AM

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,

died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,

your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,

and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Ya, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, whats the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." Well said Arthur,

"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 11:24 AM

Joey decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Joey was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Joey had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Joey, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried Joey called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 11:24 AM

Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela's house..........and he left it there all night!

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 11:27 AM

Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Hyderabadi

19th January 2005, 11:32 AM

Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.

NOV

20th January 2005, 09:35 AM

A tour bus takes off with a full load of senior citizens. Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture many times.

The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth.

" We're not able to chew them. "

"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them!"

Thiru

20th January 2005, 09:36 AM

Nov, :lol: good one

NOV

20th January 2005, 09:40 AM

Life isn't fair to men

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

The average man's life consists of:
twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head And kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

NOV

20th January 2005, 09:46 AM

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. However, the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really works!"

a.ratchasi

20th January 2005, 11:18 AM

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

a.ratchasi

20th January 2005, 11:22 AM

More facts about about men... :D

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.
***********************************************
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.
***********************************************
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted several times.
***********************************************
What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says...."
***********************************************

NOV

20th January 2005, 11:39 AM

AR, very good bathiladi. :lol:

There are too many jokes on women; you should post more man-bashing jokes. But please dont take our jokes and change the women to men. :D:D:D

Cindy

20th January 2005, 12:50 PM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
:clap: :clap: wow wow wow.... good ones Nov and Ratchasi-....Nov, but you admit that they sound real only when she changed she to he... right... :clap: :clap:
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

a.ratchasi

20th January 2005, 01:28 PM

NOV, please accept it gracefully.

Just for the record, I posted the facts :D :D :D as it was!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

jaiganes

20th January 2005, 03:59 PM

Sabaash sariyaana poatti!!! :thumbsup:

Roshan

20th January 2005, 05:36 PM

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

The answer can be like this too..

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... men can screw anything :lol:

Roshan

20th January 2005, 05:41 PM

Q: What do men and beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Cindy

20th January 2005, 05:44 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

ha ha ha

jaiganes

21st January 2005, 09:14 AM

Hi
i heard this joke in Pongal pattimandram program in Jaya TV.

// begin joke
Son is crying loud.
Father asks him "Why are you crying my son?"
Son replies" Mother beat me"
Father replies "Control yourself, have you seen me ever crying???!!!"

// end joke! :!:

NOV

26th January 2005, 09:47 AM

The Husband Strikes Back!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do".

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went hopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

jaiganes

26th January 2005, 05:09 PM

I guess NOV will come up next with a divorce joke!!!
Logical Conclusion you seee.. :lol:

Querida

26th January 2005, 10:08 PM

Oh geez NOV-san that didn't sound like a joke at all but like two very selfish unhappy ppl not meant to share a marriage...anyways here's what could be the joke to that couple stayed longer together:

One day a man had enough and appeared before a judge asking for a divorce.

Quietly and carefully the Judge reviewed the man's papers and then asked him, "Sir, please tell me on what grounds you are seeking this divorce?"

"Well," the man says, "because I live in a three-story house."

The Judge replies, "Exactly what kind of reason is that? What is the big deal about a 3-story house???"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' , the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is, "NO...we'll wake up the children... "

Bad Boy

26th January 2005, 10:11 PM

Mme,
have you got screw drivers?

Querida

26th January 2005, 10:15 PM

Mme,
have you got screw drivers?

no but that doesnt mean you can come into the hardware store and ask for carrots again! :P

hey if i get the x-billion-dollar offer first than i promise to let you have the dollar :thumbsup:

NOV

27th January 2005, 08:22 PM

A Love Story

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her.

He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking.

"That poor old couple."

As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."