A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[scorpio]

Shekhar,

Welcome back! The male hubbers missed you a lot, to be honest! :lol:

[Akash]

Nov, thats WOW!!

[NM]

NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?

Indeed men are:

Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.

Mascara - they make a woman complete.

Bike helmets - life-savers

Government bonds - your future

Copiers - Make lives easy

Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.

High heels - Something women won't leave home without

Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.

Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.

Handguns - Explosive!

:clap: :clap:

Hmmmm...as usual.........MEN are SOOO predictive! anyway, welcome back Shekhar! Go to the puzzle thread..NOV was looking for you over there! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

NOV, that was really witty :thumbsup:!
Now, where did you lift it from? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[sanjay]

Once Jesus & satan had a fight - who was better at computers? God agreed to act as Judge. He held a test. Both Jesus & satan worked on the PC for about 2 hrs - typing, creating files, folders etc., etc., .

Then suddenly there was a power cut. Satan raved & ranted since all his data was lost. Once power resumed, Jesus quietly went to his PC & started taking print outs. Satan complained severely that Jesus had cheated.

To this God replied "JESUS SAVES"

[Sudhaama]

Dear Mr."sanjay"

// ... "JESUS SAVES" //

Jesus ....SAVES... in Life !!! ...as also...

Jesus... SAVES... Data in Computer TOO.. !!!.

Ah! What a Beautiful... "PUN."... !!!.... along with ....FUN !!!

[Surya]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Sanjay and Sudhamma, Nice! :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

1. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, Please grant me half day casual leave"

3. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".

7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

[NM]

madam PP..neengge inggeya???? :shock: :shock:

good ones.. :lol: :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

NM, ennai oru humour-less soul enRu mudivukatti vitteerkalaa? :cry:

[NM]

NM, ennai oru humour-less soul enRu mudivukatti vitteerkalaa? :cry:Ille ma'am......mannikkavum.. :notworthy: naan anthe arthathule sollule.... :D :D etho thideernu intha pakkam vanthengelae, athaan! :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

intha virtual world-la yaar yaar engka pOraangka, enna padikkiRaangka, enna ezuthuRaangka, enna ninaikkiRaangka ellaamE rakasiyam :wink:
munpu ennai roast paNNum pOthu sonnaangkaLE, naan kuRippaa sila threads mattum paarppEnnu, pathil solvEnnu- enakku siripputhaan vanthuchi :lol:

[krishnan]

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more than 1 kg meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion
to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag,
sealed very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained
few peanuts.

Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as
they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from
India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the
same food bag of peanuts was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him, "Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's
wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering peanuts to me?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but .. did you know that you have been brought here on a
monkey's visa!!! .

[NM]

Krishnan......liked the last line.. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. Then he heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You @&*%$#, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!

[Querida]

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton.

"Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no-one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then addresses Bill Gates.

"Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

**************************************************
hmmm glad my ma didn't have this decision to make i'd be a goner! :lol:

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
**************************************************

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
************************************************** **
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
************************************************** ***
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
************************************************** ***
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do NOT leave children or spouses."
************************************************** ***
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 740 to Dallas, Texas. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
************************************************** **

[Shevani]

Excerpt from Colombo Times - On 26th Dec '04 early morning, several hours before the catastrophe happened, Honolulu Tsunami Monitoring Center have been trying to call the Meteorological Dept. Monitoring Center in Palekelle and Colombo but failed. They also got in touch with Presidents' Office however they were informed that she's out of the island on a private vacation. Finally they called Prime Minister's Secretariat, but Prime minister was out on his morning walk. Thinking at least it is best to keep him vigilant on this, the Honolulu Officials left the message with the person, who picked up the phone, to inform Prime Minister that there's Tsunami coming from Indonesia. On Prime Minister's return, the operator told Prime Minister about the call, and said T. Sunami from Indonesia is arriving in 2 hours time. Prime Minister promptly took action to send a delegation to Katunayake Airport with name boards ' Welcome Mr. T. Sunami - Indonesia..

[scorpio]

Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times...

"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India who would make you starve, if you don't.'"

[NOV]

A tourist guide was showing around...

"I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

[NOV]

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.

His answer....

My strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbour's wife.
Opportunity comes when my neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out

[Querida]

:lol: what cheeky jokes!

[Badri]

Tips from Grandpa

An old Italian Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"

[Querida]

Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips

10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.

9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.

8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.

7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.

6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.

5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.

4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."

3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling. 2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"

1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.

[tomato]

Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times...

"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India who would make you starve, if you don't.'"

:thumbsup:

[pavalamani pragasam]

Excellent, Scorpio :clap: :clap: :clap:

[NOV]

Women :
A wife was not at home for a whole night. Next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them says that his wife was over night with any of them.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. Next morning, he tells his wife that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. The wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them.

Conclusion :
Men make better friends

[a.ratchasi]

Great conclusion, NOV.
Now let me show you the equation:

Men=liars

[NOV]

well AR, valluvar has said it is ok to lie....

especially to protect a life. :D

[scorpio]

Thanks Tomato and PP Ma'm.. It is closely real and not a joke anyway!

Badri - What's that joke you have posted?? Too much of NOV's influence huh??

[NM]

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[NM]

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

[Anoushka]

More from Reader's Digest!

AS A TEST PILOT for Boeing, I participated in the flight-test program of the Air Force's E-3A airplane. It's a modified 707, and a large circular device called a radome mounted on top of the fuselage makes it easy to identify.

On one flight, Boeing radioed me just as I had passed over a golf course. They said they were on the phone with a golfer who worked as an engineer on the E-3A program. He said that one just flew over and it looked as if the radome wasn't turning properly. I told Boeing everything was fine and to tell the man to keep his head down.
Later I got an unusual call in my office. The person identified himself as the engineer I had told to keep his head down. He just wanted me to know that he finally made a hole in one.

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Karen L. Smatlak

WHEN MY CHILDREN were young, I sat through many a YMCA basketball game. But it was not until after they had grown up that I became a referee. After observing my first practice game, my son Doug suggested I be more forceful. "You know, Mom," Doug said, "you don't have to say, `I'm sorry, dear, but you stepped out of bounds."'

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Sally Mielke

IN MY WORK at an electronic company, I send many intercompany communications via electronic mail. One day our e-mail system crashed several times, causing my messages to evaporate from the screen before they could be sent. Frustrated and not sure whether I was doing something wrong, I poked my head into the next office cubicle and asked a co-worker, "Are you having mail problems?" He looked up and said, "Have you been talking to my wife?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Donna Rendon

ON THE WAY to our wedding reception, I said tenderly to my brand-new husband, "It's really special the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage. The thing I think is especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming-hot coffee to her in bed. Is that an inherited quality?"
"You bet it is!" my husband said. "I take after my mother."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mary Parkinson

[Querida]

I poked my head into the next office cubicle and asked a co-worker, "Are you having mail problems?" He looked up and said, "Have you been talking to my wife?"
:rotfl:

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask
his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and
I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is
truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed
and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[Anoushka]

Q: The socks bit was very funny :rotfl:
------------

TRYING TO SELL ADS for my high-school yearbook, I approached my father, who owned a house-painting business with my two brothers. My father agreed to purchase an ad and said I should ask my brother Jack to write it. "We're too busy now!" Jack protested. "With an ad, we'll just get more work." "Jack," I replied, "Dad said you have to write the ad." The next morning, Jack handed me his copy. It read, "John J. Pitlyk & Sons, Painting Contractors. For easy work, call the sons. If it's hard, call Pop."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Joan Pitlyk

[Anoushka]

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[scorpio]

:lol: entha dictionary-lernthu idhai ellam pudicheenga??

[NM]

ANOXFORD dictionary-a?? :lol: :lol:

[Anoushka]

Athey thaan NM :) ANOXFORD dictionary thaan!

[Anoushka]

IT WAS a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Georgia. After an early dinner, I asked my uncle if he would like to go for a walk and look at a few garage sales down the street. He said a walk would be fine, but that he didn't much care for garage sales. I asked why not, and he answered, "Because if they don't want it, I don't want it either!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Lee Hufstetler

[ts]

ADMIRATION- highest degree of ignorance.
- our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ADOLESCENCE- the age when children ponder why such smart kids should have such stupid parents.
ALIMONY- a fine one has to pay for a mistake of two.
ATTORNEY- a person who can lawfully avoid the law.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY- rare opportunity to tell the truth about your acquaintances.
BALD SPOT- the brightest spot in one's life.
BORE- a person who gives a complete answer to "How are you?".
- a wife who will spend six months nagging her husband to throw out the Christmas tree.
CHESS- a game where a check can result in a mate.
CITY- a population center where the coordinates of a dwelling include height.
DINER- a place where professionals turn good foodstuffs into bad food.
DIPLOMACY- the ability to never say "no"
DIPLOMAT- a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age.
- a man who can answer you in such a way that you forget the question.
DISTANT RELATIVE- a person who's usually not as distant as one would wish.
DRUM- an instrument with only one note.
EGOTIST- a person more interested in himself than me.
ELOQUENCE- the ability to sell a comb to a bald man.
ETIQUETTE- when one yawns with his mouth closed.
EXPERIENCE- that which lets people make new mistakes instead of old.
FANTASY- sexual discontent.
FEMININE LOGIC- belief that the stubbornness of facts can be overcome by even bigger personal stubbornness.
FRIEND- a person who knows you well, but still didn't become your enemy.
GREED- acute form of thrift.
GUESTS- people who give you pleasure twice: when they come and when they leave.
GUILLOTINE- the cutting off of thoughts.
HONESTY- inability to quickly think of alternatives.
HONEYMOON- the rest before a lifelong battle.
HUMANITARIAN AID- money taken from the poor in a rich country, and given to the rich in a poor country.
IDEAL HUSBAND- a deaf-mute deep sea captain.
- a man who doesn't cheat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't exist.
- the husband of an ideal wife.
INVESTORS- fools who stand and look at how their money is wasted.
LAWYER- a person who'll help you get his due.
LAZINESS- something that prevents me from coming up with a definition for this word.
LIAR- a person who can't lie properly.
LOVE- the desire to be loved.
LOVERS- two people, who love themselves with each other's help.
MIXED FEELINGS- when your mother-in-law is falling into a canyon in your brand new car.
PANIC- something that starts with the phrase "Don't panic..."
PARLIAMENT- a place where minutes are saved and hours are wasted
PATIENCE- the ability to enjoy listening to someone telling your favorite joke.
PESSIMIST- a well-informed optimist
POLITICIAN- a man who thinks one thing, says another, does the third, and the result is the fourth.
PRESIDENT- someone elected so that there is someone to blame for president's actions
REALITY- part of imagination that everyone agrees on.
RUSSIA- a very rich country with a very poor people.
SALARY- approximately half the amount of money you're worth.
SCHOOL- a class society.
SLEEPLESSNESS- when you can't fall asleep even at work.
SMART- a person who occasionally says "What a fool am I!"
TIME- simultaneously the cheapest and the most expensive thing a man has.
TV COMMERCIALS- a 2 minute bathroom break.
WIFE- the daughter of the mother-in-law.
WRITING- best mode of conversation: there is no one interrupting you.
YEAR- 365 days consisting of useful sleep and useless wakefullness.
.

[NM]

AUTOBIOGRAPHY- rare opportunity to tell the truth about your acquaintances.
DIPLOMACY- the ability to never say "no"
FEMININE LOGIC- belief that the stubbornness of facts can be overcome by even bigger personal stubbornness.
FRIEND- a person who knows you well, but still didn't become your enemy.
HONEYMOON- the rest before a lifelong battle.
IDEAL HUSBAND- a deaf-mute deep sea captain.
- a man who doesn't cheat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't exist.
- the husband of an ideal wife.
WIFE- the daughter of the mother-in-law.
.

TS..love all those above... :lol: :lol:

[Querida]

that was really good TS..too many faves to list... :D

[Cindy]

[tscii:4fbef6b5f4]The Birth Order of Children
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing For Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change his diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change his diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to his knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.

[/tscii:4fbef6b5f4]

[scorpio]

Cindy,

:lol: :lol:

Except the 'Your clothes' and 'Preparing for birth' part, rest are from Dad's point of view, aren't they?? :wink:

[NM]

Translations for men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

[NM]

Men writing the rules
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary

[Badri]

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

This is my fav!! Or did you guess that already? :lol:

[Badri]

Translations for women

What they actually mean!!!!

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* ""You wouldn't understand it even if we tried to explain! So, why bother?"


"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "Same as the first one."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "Who asked you to clean house! Now I don't know where to find anything? You didn't throw it away by any chance, did you?."

[NM]

Badri, responses to your posts..

no 1) - YES I knew..

no 2) - :hammer:

[NOV]

Anniyan : 5 email forward pannina thappa?

IT guy : Onnum thappu illenga

Anniyan : 5 latcham peru 5 email forward pannina thappa?

IT guy : Thappu maathiri thaanga theriyuthu...

Anniyan : 5 latcham peru 5 latcham thadava 5 email forward pannina thappa?

IT guy : Periya thappu thaanga!

Anniyan : Atha thaanda neenga ellam pannikitu irukkenga? Vetti
pasangala! pOi velaiya parunga da!

[Anoushka]

I WAS AWARE that Billy, one of my middle-school students, was expected to attend a presentation on adolescence in another fifth-grade class, but I hadn't been informed of the time. In the middle of his written language lesson, he suddenly looked at the clock, jumped up from his desk and ran from the room without a word of explanation. "What are you doing?" I shouted after him. "I have to go," Billy yelled down the hall. "I'm late for puberty!"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by John Dahlsten

AFTER ALMOST A WEEK of torrential rain in Northern California, I was swapping stories with co-workers of our experiences with fallen trees and flooded homes and roads. The office administrator mentioned that his mother had called that morning and was unusually upbeat, considering the circumstances. "Honey, you'll be glad to know your dad and I are moving up in the world," she said. "We finally have that beachfront property we always wanted!"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Suzanne M. Fisher

MY FORMER COLLEAGUE'S teen-age daughter began dating around the same time she got her driver's license. Her mother admitted she didn't know which worried her more. She found out one Saturday night when her daughter returned from a swimming date at her boyfriend's house. The girl had driven to his house, and when she got home she was in tears, ignoring the dogged young man who followed her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I've never done anything like that before, and it'll never happen again." "What did he do?" my friend exclaimed. "Oh, Mom," her daughter wailed, "while I had the car door open, he backed his car down the driveway and demolished my door!" Her mother heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God," she said.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Charlotte Guest

AFTER ENDURING MANY TRIPS to the supermarket with my 11-month-old son, I finally discovered that the way to keep him from taking things off the shelves was to place the cart in which he was riding in the exact center of the aisle. As I selected what I needed, my son tried in vain to reach the items on either side. Just then another woman with a small child came down the aisle. Glancing at my frustrated son, she quipped, "Finally! Successful arms control!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Pamela Berch

AFTER I had purchased movie tickets for my girlfriend and me, she went inside to find seats while I got the popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by John A. Norman

MY HUSBAND is a preacher. At a revival meeting, the visiting choir sang at the beginning and then turned the service over to him. Wanting to compliment them, my husband said, "The singing was so good, we could all leave right now without any preaching."
A parishioner called out, "Amen, brother!"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Pam Locke

DURING A SKIING TRIP I decided to try the advanced slope. Halfway down, just as I was feeling proud of myself for not falling, I suddenly hit a bump. Skis and poles were left behind as I flew over still another bump, landing at a man's feet. After apologizing, I muttered, "Where did I go wrong?"
Looking at me with a rueful smile, he said, "I think it was when you forgot to put your skis on."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Sonya Mehring

[ts]

[tscii:fe9e07535f]An attractive Blonde Woman was standing next in line at a checkout, when the man in front of her turned around and gave her a big smile.

"Hello," he said, as he waited for the change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The woman said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the mother of one of my children," he said apologetically, and picking up his shopping, he left the store.

The woman was astonished. She thought, "How amazing… my first one has the same chin and similar looks… Then she began to worry. She had had an encounter in her youth, and may be… may be it is his child.

He was well built, handsome and about the same height.

On leaving the store, she saw the man getting into his car.

She ran over to him and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the man I met that night at a party in Hampstead,in 1980 could you?

We made love passionately on the stairs in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The man looked utterly outraged and said,

"No! I'm your son's English teacher."

[/tscii:fe9e07535f]

[Anoushka]

Good one ts :)

FOLLOWING my arm operation, the hospital physical therapist taught me exercises to strengthen it. In one, called "climbing the wall," I faced a wall and "walked" the fingers of both hands up it, trying to reach as far with the injured arm as with the other. I seemed to be "climbing the wall" morning, noon and night. After watching me, the woman in the next bed said, "Excuse me, but what religion do you belong to?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ruth Francke

[ts]

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations and I'm sure we all know people they could be applied to........

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere, of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[ts]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ar***ole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ar***ole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my herapeutic 'ar***ole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ar***ole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ar***ole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ar***ole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an ar***ole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ar***oles to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar***ole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an ar***ole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Ar***ole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ar***ole," and hung up.

Then I called Ar***ole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, ar***ole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**e," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, ar***ole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two ar***oles beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[Anoushka]

MY PARENTS emigrated from Greece before my birth. Although Dad received his U.S. citizenship while my siblings and I were still young, Mother couldn't take the time to learn English because she had to care for three daughters and four sons. At the age of 57, she finally appeared before a judge in the District Court of Washington, D.C., to receive her citizenship papers. After hearing the presentation, the judge asked my mother why she had not applied earlier. Pointing to her children standing next to her, Mother proudly responded, "Your Honor, I was too busy raising seven Americans."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Anthony C. Serkedakis

[scorpio]

TS,

Simply loved those appraisal quotes.. :lol:

[Vini Vidi Vici]

Cows are holy in India!
Paris Hilton is a godess there. :lol:

[NM]

Physics n jokes

1. The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

2. The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'

3. One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

4. The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.

5. What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves. (credit: Jeremiah Jazdzewski)

6. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

7.Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

[NM]

Alfred Hitchcock - Jokes and anecdotes... :D

1) "I don't think I can do that naturally," the then young actress Ingrid Bergman once informed Alfred Hitchcock about a particular scene. In what Bergman would later admit was the best acting advice she ever received, Hitchcock suggested, "If you can't do it naturally, then fake it."

2) In Film Flubs: Memorable Movie Mistakes (A Citadel Press Book, 1990), Bill Givens pointed to a minor problem in Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window. Jimmy Stewart spends his time in a wheelchair with his left leg in a cast but, as Mr. Givens points out: "He must have had some problems with his right leg, too. If you watch very closely during the scene where he argues with Grace Kelly, you'll see a brief moment when the cast switches from the left leg to the right!"

3) Alfred Hitchcock was once stopped at the French border by a suspicious customs official. Eyeing the space where Hitchcock listed his profession as "producer," the official demanded, "And what do you produce?" "Gooseflesh," Hitchcock cooly replied.

4) When the shooting of The Thirty-nine Steps began, Hitchcock amused himself by handcuffing the star, Madeleine Carroll, to her co-star Robert Donat and pretended to lose the key until the end of the day. He was particularly interested in seeing how the unfortunate couple would cope with the inevitable demands of nature.

[a.ratchasi]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

[Querida]

:lol: oh ho i had to read that twice!

'Honey,' said a husband to his wife, 'I invited a friend home for dinner.'
'What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!'
'I know all that.'
'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?'
'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.'

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

[Akash]

1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
can deliver a baby in one month.

2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18
months to deliver a baby.

3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
can deliver nine babies in one month.

4. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a
baby.

5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can
deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need
a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero
resources.

7. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether
the child is delivered, they'll just document 9
months.

[Badri]

Akaasu, Akaasu!! And considering that I head a Documentation Team, :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[scorpio]

1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
can deliver a baby in one month.



Thanks Akash dear! I'll better be careful when I do effort estimation for my next project!!!! :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

[tscii:97e6de0689]A man goes to the library to return a book. He bangs it on the table and says “What is this book? There are too many characters and no story at all!” The librarian replies, ”So you are the one who took the telephone directory.”


A young engineer was leaving office when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
”Certainly,” said the young engineer. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

[/tscii:97e6de0689]

[juliee roddick]

One Happy Boss tells his employees, you worked very hard this yearso as a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.




==========================================
Student loan consolidation (http://www.studentloan-consolidation.org)

[Uthappam]

potta kozhi mutta podum!

[a.ratchasi]

[tscii:e9c81ed587]Funny Bumper Stickers I


4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't worry…it's only kinky the first time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Driver carries no cash. He's married.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heavily medicated for your safety.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I brake suddenly for tailgaters
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't care, I don't have to.
[/tscii:e9c81ed587]

[a.ratchasi]

[tscii:118f47412a]Funny Bumper Stickers II


I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I is a college student.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love cats they taste like chicken
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Wasn't Born A Bitch Men Like You Make Me That Way
------------------------------------------------------------------------

If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men are Idiots and I married their King
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My other car is a broom
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.
[/tscii:118f47412a]

[scorpio]

A.R.,

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Akash]

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.



Teacher :Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under
my feet.


Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students


Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday


Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
japan


Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!


Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.


Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is
my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.



Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.
Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.


Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God,
are you still in there?'



Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

[Querida]

Hi-larious bumper stickers AR! :twisted:

[pavalamani pragasam]

>HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES :
>
> At 4 Years
> My daddy is great.
>
> At 6 Years
> My daddy knows everybody.
>
> At 10 Years
> My daddy is good but is short tempered
>
> At 12 Years
> My daddy was very nice to me when I was young .
>
> At 14 Years
> My daddy is getting fastidious.
>
> At 16 Years
> My daddy is not in line with the current times.
>
> At 18 Years
> My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.
>
> At 20 Years
> Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how
>Mother puts up with him.
>
> At 25 Years
> Daddy is objecting to everything.
>
> At 30 Years
> It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of
>my father when I was young.
>
> At 40 Years
> Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do

>the same.
>
> At 45 Years
> I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.
>
> At 50 Years
> My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable
>to manage a single son.
>
> At 55 Years
> My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.
>He is one of his kind and unique.
>
> At 60 Years
> My daddy is great.
>
>It takes 56 years to complete the cycle & come back to the 1st stage.
>Realize the true value of your parents.

[Cindy]

What does your Boss think?

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away.

But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in his mouth, as well.

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.

They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.

The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.

Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, the dog and the butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him,! And swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!"

To which the guy responds:

"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the story

You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses' expectations.

[ts]

[tscii:7361cf3958]An Indian, a Pakistani and a Srilankan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they
could be released after having 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my birthday today, and I am allowing
each of you one wish before your whipping.".

The Srilankan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "I shall have just the lashes and please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the Srilankan in horror he said smugly: "Only 20 for me and please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Pakistani was soon led away whimpering loudly

The Indian was the last one up, but before Sheikh could say anything, he said “My Lord, what we have done is a terrible crime. We have been ruthless in Letting the evil in us disobey the holy laws of this land. Hence I want you to lash me 100 times instead of 20”. The Shiekh was surprised and happy to see such a honest person. “So be it” he exclaimed. The Indian said “Please…Tie the Pakistani to my back."
[/tscii:7361cf3958]

[Nerd]

Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

[pavalamani pragasam]

Regular naps prevent old age..especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes u a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Laziness nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

[nms]

Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
:shock: :o :? :roll:
poi dhaana?? :rotfl:

[ssanjinika]

Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
:shock: :o :? :roll:
poi dhaana?? :rotfl:
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Nerd]

Yes yes poi dhaan :x

I bought that cam and tried my best to shoot a few girls.. but cudnt :cry:

[lordstanher]

Hi, :D
Herez my first contribution to this thread......
note: sorry if ne of these jokes were already posted here b4.......

-------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time in opposite directions.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG!"

The man gets furious and immediately leans out of his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, "WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road!

---------------------------------------------------
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think your're stupid, little Johnny?"

Little Johnny says "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there
all by yourself!"

----------------------------------------------------

And herez one I thot of just last night:

Q. If a techie frequented pubs in his free time, what drink wud he most prefer??

A. Tech-ila :wink:

-----------------------------------------------------

Hav a nice day.............! :D

[NOV]

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in hot CHENNAI. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving and he was wondering if a CM convoy is going by!

He notices a constable walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, Mama, what's the hold-up?"

"Dr J. Jayalithia just found out the verdict against illegal mobilization of Property, and she's all depressed. She's lying down in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself and SasiKala in Petrol and light themself on fire. They plead innocent and says that they dont have a Rupee. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her."

The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."

The Constable replies, "So far, 1000 liters."

[a.ratchasi]

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?
Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.

Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "
Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst

[Akash]

ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY. IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THEN DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME. ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN.THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TE ST.ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.




Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAMES -----( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. WHICH TYRE BURST -------( 98 MARKS ).

[Querida]

:lol: great last lines! :lol:

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

God loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

[NM]

Querida... :lol: :lol:



Wives VS Husbands !!!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
********************************************
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have torepeat everything to men..
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
*********************************************
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Akash]

NM, start Music..... :lol: :lol:

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software's Only (for)Fools (&) Teenagers

[Akash]

Year 1981
=========

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died.

Year 2005
=========
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope Died.

*** In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry or Liverpool needs another
crown ..... POOR POPE....!!!!!! ***

[Akash]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doi*-ng your maths sums on
the
floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
L-JOHNY: George!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today
that we
didn't have
ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you
are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
L-JOHNY! : Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

[pavalamani pragasam]

[tscii:c4323dab8d]Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they go to sleep. Later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend. “What do you see in the sky?” “I see millions of stars.” “ What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I see that God is powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then said, “You idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.”

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the accountants buy tickets and watch as the engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” they ask. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom. After the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ”Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket. The engineers, however, don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” the accountants ask. “You’ll see,” answers an engineer. On boarding, the accountants cram into a restroom and engineers cram into another. Shortly, one of the engineers goes to other restroom and says, “Ticket, please.”
[/tscii:c4323dab8d]

[NM]

Akash........ :lol: :lol:

Madam.........antha engineer kathaikku nandri! ThEvai padum enakku! :lol:

[Anoushka]

A PATIENT at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Deborah A Marcus


IN THE SUPERMARKET, a woman with an overloaded cart headed toward the checkout line. As she passed the magazine stand, a corner of the stand caught a bag of oranges, ripping it open. Fruit spilled onto the floor. The woman picked up the oranges and started off again. A box of sugar tumbled from the cart, followed by a tomato that splattered at her feet. A clerk came to assist her. "You must treat these groceries very well here," the customer said to him with a smile. "They're certainly not eager to leave."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Joseph P Fox


WHILE I WAS WORKING at a delicatessen in Sydney, Australia, a woman overheard my accent and asked if I was American. "Lovely!" she exclaimed when I told her that I was. "I've been looking for one of your lot. My son is living in the States with his American wife, and she sent me a recipe that calls for half-and-half. Could you tell me, luv, half of wot and half of wot?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by E. Beerheide


WE KEPT IN TOUCH by telephone with our son Tim, who had married and moved to Tennessee. However, after several expensive phone bills, I sent him a letter explaining that I would start writing more often in order to save money. Three days later I received a collect call from Tim. "Hi, Mom," he said. "I just called to tell you I got your letter."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cheryl D. Brandt


MY SISTER Susan and her husband, Frank, were entertaining for the first time since the birth of their baby. Everything ran smoothly until one of Frank's buddies arrived with his new girlfriend--a woman Susan did not particularly care for.
Susan beckoned her husband upstairs with the excuse that they had to check on the baby. In the privacy of the nursery, she spoke freely of her disdain for the new guest.
When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, they were greeted with an awkward silence--except for the occasional murmurings of the sleeping baby that came from the infant monitor sitting on the table.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jayne Haworth


IN A JURY pool, I watched people trying to persuade the judge to exempt them from serving. One man explained that he had a severe hearing problem and wouldn't be able to follow the proceedings. "You're excused," the judge informed him. "What did you say?" the man asked. The judge repeated himself and motioned to the exit. As the man reached the door, the judge told the clerk, "Juror No. 9 is excused, but he will still be paid for his time." "Thank you, Your Honor!" came a familiar voice from the far end of the courtroom.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ann Ripp


WHEN I WAS TRAINING to become an emergency medical technician, the physician in charge stressed the importance of using proper medical terminology. Soon after my graduation, I had to transport a boy with a head wound to the hospital, so I radioed in the description: "Ten-year-old male with ten-centimeter laceration on the left occipital region." The doctor who had instructed me met us in the emergency room. "What happened, son?" he asked the child. "Did you bop your gourd?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Arlene Shovald


FRIENDS OF MINE who are in their mid-30s went out to dinner to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary. As they were enjoying a bottle of champagne, they noticed a similar scene taking place at an adjoining table between a man and a woman who appeared to be in their 70s. Caught up in their gaiety, my friends confided that they had been married just 15 years, and then asked the older couple how long they had been together, expecting to be overwhelmed by the answer. "The truth is," replied the man, "that we are celebrating having met a week ago today."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Paula C Kulhemeier


MY FATHER, a native New Englander, did his best to instill Yankee thrift in his often extravagant daughters. When I was working as a camp counselor, I gleefully wrote a letter home on a piece of tree bark, pointing out that I had not bought stationery but had made do with the materials at hand. Once again, however, my father bested me. Carefully separating a layer of the same tree bark, he penned this reply: "Remember, Jean, you can always get along on half of what you have."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jean Summerville


AT THE electronics company where I used to work, our sales representative was showing prospective customers around the plant. As he led the group into the test department, a circuit board suddenly flew across the room, thrown by a quick-tempered technician frustrated in his attempts to repair it. The board crashed off a wall and landed right at our visitors' feet. Our sales rep calmly continued his pitch: "As you can see, all our products are fully shock- and vibration-tested before leaving the factory."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Donald Blauth


WHEN WE MOVED into a small, close-knit community, we were always referred to as "the folks who moved into Tom and Betsy's house." After eight years, I felt that we had finally established our own identity. But then we were transferred out of state and forced to sell our home.
Hearing from one of our old neighbors, I asked how the new owners were doing. I was taken aback when she replied, "Oh, you mean the folks who moved into Tom and Betsy's house?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Allen Tuider


DURING a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.
His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."
Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Philip O. Simonson

[Anoushka]

Year 1981
=========

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died.

Year 2005
=========
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope Died.

*** In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry or Liverpool needs another
crown ..... POOR POPE....!!!!!! ***

Akash, this is not right, Check Numerology thread for details :)

[Anoushka]

A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow
mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Zooker trained."

"You have?" asked the other.

"Yes, explained the first mouse.

"Now every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."

[Querida]

DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
:lol:

Anoushka love that mouse joke! :D
************************************************** *

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
************************************************** **

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
************************************************** ***
John: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

John: Really? What color?
************************************************** **
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
************************************************** ***
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
************************************************** ***

[pavalamani pragasam]

True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have ?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?

====

Customer: I can't open cup holder in my new computer!

Help Desk: Are you sure you have a cup holder in your computer?

Customer: Yes sure every time when I press " Eject" a cup holder goes out, and I used to put my cup on it. Now it didn't go out after I pressed Eject.

Kudos to the entire customer support community...!

[Shekhar]

JOKES from PP Mam!! :clap: :clap:

[Akash]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk

he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George

asks him what his name is.

"Bob", he replies.

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies

that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK,

where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, where is BOB?"

[NM]

JOKES from PP Mam!! :clap: :clap:
Shekhar....it's been a loooong time!! Good to 'see' U! :D

[Querida]

:o And fifth, where is BOB?"
Oh my and here i was ready to ask six questions :lol:

Hi Shekhar! :D

[a.ratchasi]

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a "trainee". On his
first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:

"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and puts down the phone.

[hehehewalrus]

he he he :lol:
this has happened to me but it wasnt the MD who picked up the phone :)

[Shekhar]

Hi, NM and Querida,

Yea..Nice to be back in FH with you all!! :D

[NM]

We missed your wittiness, shekhar! Pls do go to pg 4 or 5 of Guyana Indians thread.........you and I are mentioned there........ :lol: :lol:
Hv fun reading!!!!! :lol: :lol:

[Akash]

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

-------------

A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle, why ?

Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but
also its beginning !

------------

Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it is working.

He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO

[NOV]

A driver was assigned to drive the Pope John to a particular church. After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, fter exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's Stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[rami]

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

[Shekhar]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I didn't know women had this much of brain :shock: :wink: :D

[scorpio]

Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..

'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot.. :wink:

[ts]

Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..

'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot.. :wink:

Yes Shekhar. Many men and a very very very few women that is!!! :roll:

(Pun intended...no offense meant whatsoever)

[Uthappam]

Why do men marry women?
What else can they marry...

[Akash]

Boys:

1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Girls:
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake
47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she was because of HIM.

[NM]

Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa?? :evil:

[kalnayak]

NM replied:

Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa??


Of course Akash is deserved for Dharma adi for putting
true facts in Jokes thread. :thumbsup:

[NM]

kalnayak.....unggalukkum athu kEtkuthO?? :twisted: :evil:

[Shekhar]

Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..

'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot.. :wink:

I feel sad. No woman missed me?!! :wink:

And that was great Akash!! :lol: :lol:

[Akash]

Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa?? :evil:

What could i do, if it matches yr routine, Exactly!! :roll:

:poke:

[NM]

Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa?? :evil:

What could i do, if it matches yr routine, Exactly!! :roll:

:poke: :hammer:

[hehehewalrus]

This is hilarious:

Finding A Missing Person

Dear Rajiv Gupta
These days, what are you upta ?
I haven't seen you since age three
I used to beat you to a pulp behind that tree
You went to the Little Flower school
Where you played the fool
So you ended up in IIT Cawnpore
Me, in the back waters of Coimbatore
Readers, he is hiding in some univ here
And for a case of beer
Would you track down the poor bugger
And get me his cute sister's phone number ?

[hehehewalrus]

one more

To All The Alumni Past And Future

To all the alumni of the MIT
(The one in South Bihar, not the fake one in this country
Our famous Muzaffarpur Institute of Technolozhy)
Let us form association, to others I owe apolozhy
Let us remember good old days, they were groovies
Aren't you missing the 'Kuans' and the Shatrughan movies
The time when we actually had a final eggjam
And when philter phags first came to our gram.
So alumni, respond without fail
Both the three of you send me mail.

[NOV]

Dollah grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia, and then moved away to KL to do his law degree. He decided to return to Kota Baru because he could be a big man and really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dollah picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to argue that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support! Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.

This went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dollah rattled instructions. Finally, Dollah put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied , "I'm from Telecoms, I've come to connect your line."

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Akash]

The man replied , "I'm from Telecoms, I've come to connect your line."

Suriyan - Movie... Goundamani style "Arasiyal-la ithellam saatharanamappa...."

[ssanjinika]

Old joke but cracks me up every time I read it
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious
hint, they can't catch anyway.

(This is a reality! If you don't believe, test them!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.

Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk abt but
calculations and calculations...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting
one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We
must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude".

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact myophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."

The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"

Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality
works here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons;

Civil Engineers build targets.

Lesson: They build and build and build and build
and... to compliment one another.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human
body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None
for believing!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet."

Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time
with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found
there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah,"
replied the engineer.

"If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Lesson: Gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engine! ers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a
frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you and
do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with
you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's
cool!

Lesson: Once again, gals, NEVER fall for an
engineer!!!!!

Now we know why so many engineers are single.

[NM]

AR....... :lol: :lol: :lol: unggal other half engineer illeye?? :wink:

[Badri]

AR....... :lol: :lol: :lol: unggal other half engineer illeye?? :wink:

Yen, NM? Ungaloda best half engineer O? :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

NM, inthe vilaiyaateke naan varalei!! :lol: :lol:

[Badri]

NM, inthe vilaiyaateke naan varalei!! :lol: :lol:

Hmm, amaam!! AR Antha vilayatukku vanthu romba naal aachu!!! Enna AR.??? :wink: :wink: :lol:

[NM]

AR... :lol: :lol:

Bad..... :D :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

:poke: , badri!!

[a.ratchasi]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I dedicate this prayer to all my male buddies here.
You know who you are!! :)

[Badri]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I dedicate this prayer to all my male buddies here.
You know who you are!! :)

MALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a womman, who just doesn't speak!!!

As usual, short and sweet!!!

:lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

MALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a womman, who just doesn't speak!!!

As usual, short and sweet!!!

:lol: :lol:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :clap:

[Akash]

*Side effects of alcohol ... and remedies*


**1. Symptom:**** Cold and humid feet.***

**Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).**

**Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward**


**2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.**

**Cause: You're lying on the floor.**

**Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.**


**3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.**

**Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.**

**Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.**


**4. Symptom: The floor is moving.**

**Cause: You're being dragged away.**

**Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.**


**5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.**

**Cause: You have your glass on your ear.**

**Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!**


**6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.**

**Cause: You're in an ambulance.**

**Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.**


**7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.

**Cause: You're in the wrong house.**

**Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house

[Deep_Secrets]

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.


Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

[lordstanher]

Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

:rotfl: good 'un DS! :thumbsup:

[saradhaa_sn]

A professor asked his student:

If there is no rain in your place for long time, what you will do to bring rain...??
a) Pray God..?
b) Do scientific research...??
c) Grow more tress...???

Student replied: No sir, I will arrange for Cricket Match.

[nms]

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.


1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"



3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"


4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."


5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"


6. "Did he kill you?"


7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"


8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"



9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"


10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"


11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"


12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"



13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"


14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"


16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."


18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."


19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."



20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."

[NOV]

[tscii:b46665705a]Physio was an intelligent man. After doing a physiotherapy course abroad for three years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his hometown. He asked a designer to make a new nameplate to be hung on the wall outside the clinic. The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that the nameplate was already put up. But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate: "TUKANG URUT."

He went to the designer and took him to task: "How can you insult my profession? "Tukang Urut" means masseur in Malay. I am a physiotherapist and not a masseur! Make sure you change the name right now! And see that the word is spelt correctly!" Physio said angrily.

The designer apologised and promised to make the changes immediately. Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but found the word "physiotherapist” too long. So he broke it into three words to make it fit the sign board.

The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name. On the name plate were written the words: PHYSIO THE RAPIST.[/tscii:b46665705a]

[pavalamani pragasam]

[tscii:fe4f713ec6]One day in the garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?”, comes the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a harder time. But he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him forst.”[/tscii:fe4f713ec6]

[NOV]

[tscii:da409243f5]
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
moral of the story: not only women, but even God is in fear and in awe of the male species! :rotfl:[/tscii:da409243f5]

[a.ratchasi]

NOV, out of your whole statement, only with 'this' :rotfl: I can relate to!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

It is not fear or awe, just humouring, you know :lol:

[NOV]

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

---------------------------------

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

---------------------------------

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

---------------------------------

Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday

---------------------------------

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

---------------------------------

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

---------------------------------

Teacher:There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

---------------------------------

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'

---------------------------------

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"En peyer Surya Prakash."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in English,answer it in English."
Student:"OK, My name is Sunlight."

[lordstanher]

Letter to Bill Gates from a Banta Singh of Punjab

Dear Mr Gates,

This is Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column,
only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is.

We are unable to enter anything after we click the shut down button.

There is a button 'start' but there is no stop button.
We request you to check this.

We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' and ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to sit so that we can click that by sitting at one place.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

Also there is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife
lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with
this 'find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

Thanks & Regards,

Banta Singh
Punjab

[ts]

Step 1:
To find the right woman you need Time and Money therefore we can deduce,
<pre>
Woman = Time x Money
</pre>
Step 2:
"Time is Money" and hence
<pre>
Time = Money
</pre>
Step 3:

Applying this in Step 1 we get,
<pre>

2
Woman = (Money)
</pre>
Step 4:

We know that Money is the root of all problems

So,

<pre>
/---------
Money = \/ Problems
</pre>
Step 5:

Applying this into Step 3 we get,
<pre>
( /---------) 2
Woman = ( \/ Problems )
</pre>
or,
<pre>
Woman = Problems
</pre>

[Jughead]

Conversation of William Knott and Mr Watt....

Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt,
"Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."

You Left the talkers at a point where they were
totally confused, read the rest of what happened...


Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, Knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!

Look I have been very patient
and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.

You have been patient, what about me?
I have told you my name so many times
and it is you who have not told me yours yet.

Of course not!
See, you even know my name!

Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?

Because I don't.
[Pause]

What is your name?

See, you know my name!
Of course not!

Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!

But you already know it!

What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!

Now they are at a point where both think the other
knows their name, but they themselves don't know
the other's name...


Listen, listen, wait;
if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.

No, no, give me only one word.
Watt

Your name!
Right!

[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!

So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!

You never said Wright before
Of course I did.

Ok I won't argue any more.
Do you know my name?
I do not.

Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.

I do not!
Good!
[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now
Guud.
Yes Wright.


Now they both think they know each others name as well..

Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knott??

[a.ratchasi]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.

Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.
Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his finge rs in a circle around his head.
Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good.
The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.

" He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin.
He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.

I replied to him f**k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.
I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

[nms]

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. the pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
-------------------



The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


------------------


They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' !

When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!
--------------------------------

Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could possibly be...


AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

------------

A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

-------------------
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The hospital staff worker asks:
"Is this her first child?"
"No, you, idiot! This is her husband!"


-------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor. A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher; she's dead."

-------

A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

[Querida]

I love that new priest one! It's so wrong but still hilarious :lol:

"What Engineers really mean:"

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still clueless.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The stupid thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bs!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED - Too heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

[pavalamani pragasam]

[tscii:ff6045bab5]God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were going. “Adam, how are things going?” Adam replies that he considered himself quite fortunate to be living in such a beautiful world, but he did have a couple of questions to ask, if the Lord didn’t mind, of course. “No problem, ask away,” said the Lord.
“Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful?”
“So that you would like her.”
“Oh, yes, I do like her very much. You made her so beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?”
“Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too.”
[/tscii:ff6045bab5]

[Jughead]

Know the Roles in Heaven S/W


Roles in Heaven :

Brahma Systems Installation

Vishnu Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada Data transfer

Yama Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras Downloadable Viruses

Devas Mainframe Programmers

Surya Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas In house Hackers

Ravan Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan Zombie Process

Lakshman Support Software and Backup

Hanuman Linux/s390

Vaali MS Windows

Sugreeva DOS

Jatayu Firewall

Dronacharya System Programmer

Vishwamitra Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu Trainee Programmer

Draupadi Motivation & Team building

Bhima MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Dryodhana Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna Contract programmer

[Jughead]

Our communication - Wireless

Our business - Cashless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our Follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our commitment - Aimless

Our poor - Voiceless

Our life - Meaningless

Finally, Our existence - Useless????

[pavalamani pragasam]

Truth never spoken with less correctness :lol:

[ts]

[tscii:7bce95abfb]What makes us believe that the last leg of Discovery was piloted by a man?

The fact that the flight missed its scheduled landing area and landed in a place that is 3 hours behind in time.

What makes us believe that the last leg of Discovery was piloted by a woman?

The fact that the spacecraft stopped in the middle of the runway, apparently to ask for directions to the terminal, totally forgetting the fact that they don’t have an engine.
[/tscii:7bce95abfb]

[NM]

ARatchasi and mdm PP... :lol: :lol:
AR . .......yours reminds me "Mahakavi Kaalidass" movie... :D


TS.......here're two gifts for your two jokes on women.. :hammer: :hammer:

[nms]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He

lowers the balloon further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I

would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You

are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.'

'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to

make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.'

The man below says, 'You must be a project manager

'I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you

have no idea how to keep,and you expect me to solve your problem.'

[ts]

9 Types of Women/Girlfriends

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Non Existent.


...and the answer to your question... Yes ... they are predictable :-)

[ts]

Visiting a fair recently, Edna saw a fortune teller and slipped off to see her. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Edna stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

[ts]

NM: I am ready with my helmet on :lol:
http://members.cox.net/ashlybrooke/kitty%20lime%20helmet.jpg

[lordstanher]

An example of an IT joke (apologies if posted b4):

Husband : (A software engineer, returning from work) "Evening dear, I'm now logged in "

Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad Command or file name.

Wife : But I had told you in the morn......
Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my diwali saree??
Husband : Variable not found...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.

Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : A true case of data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It's by DEFAULT.

Wife : What about your salary??
Husband : File in use.

Wife : Who was tat in the car this morning??
Husband : System is unstable press CTRL + ALT + DEL to reboot.

[Querida]

Ms. Dreamgirl - Disadvantages: Non Existent.

yes we prefer to reveal our existence only to those who deserve it :twisted:

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

[NM]

NM: I am ready with my helmet on :lol:
http://members.cox.net/ashlybrooke/kitty%20lime%20helmet.jpg :rotfl: :rotfl: aiyooh TS!!! enggappa ungalukku ithu ellam kideikuthu?? :lol:

[Hyderabadi]

Deep Mines

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, "Oh sure."

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

[Hyderabadi]

Promotion Test

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

[Hyderabadi]

[tscii:e527f4bd97]Psychic Visit

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


[/tscii:e527f4bd97]

[nms]

Already posted.......... .but still hillarious.

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,please sanction me one-week leave.

2.This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the well."

13.A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

[nms]

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.



-------------------
Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

[Querida]

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual sarcastic tone replied, "Yeah right :roll: Goony Bird, my a$$! " :lol:

[ts]

An american tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but! I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy"

[ts]

Dont you just love this....

http://ts1ts2ts3.tripod.com/fpier.gif

[ts]

[tscii:b96d320f12]A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million pounds. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-Pound question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Chris.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Chris said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million Pounds.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks…
[/tscii:b96d320f12]

[Thiru]

good one TS...

I miss Chris Tarrant's show.. Regis Philbin (in the US) is horrible... I cant stand him... Chris used to keep the show very lively.. KBC was inspired more from Tarrant than Philbin.. .

[ts]

good one TS...

I miss Chris Tarrant's show.. Regis Philbin (in the US) is horrible... I cant stand him... Chris used to keep the show very lively.. KBC was inspired more from Tarrant than Philbin.. .

Ofcourse Thiru... original is always better :-) and Chris has a very unique sense of humour that goes perfect with the show.

[NOV]

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death only she respects him.


There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.
They got married - and now he is going through hell.


It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.


A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said, "If you don't send us $100,000, we promise you we will not return your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't send the money, but I hope you will keep yours."


"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."


"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?".
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
The husband replied. "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."

[ts]

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room.

"And gentlemen, remember; you're in this together.

So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the teacher.

"I was just wondering," the man asked, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[ts]

....specially old women...

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle. Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying b*s*a*d told you I was speeding, too...


...so youve been warned....

[NOV]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[ts]

After having their 11th child, a Bihari couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Bihari said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Punjab, parts of UP, Outer Delhi, Orissa, South Haryana and anywhere in Pakistan.

[a.ratchasi]

wicked but :rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very
long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.

[dev]

:lol: ...& didn't that malaysian find a long queue in Indian hell too... :wink: :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

Management lessons:

Lesson Number 1:

> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

> The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

> Management Learning:

> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.>

>************************************************** *********************

> Lesson Number 2:

> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

> Management Learning:

> Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

>************************************************** *********************

> Lesson Number 3:

> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird frozen and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

> Management Learning:

> 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

> 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

> 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

>************************************************** *********************

> Lesson Number 4:

> The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

> Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

> They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.

>As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

> Management Learning:

> If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

>************************************************** *********************

> Lesson Number 5:

> Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav ( all 3 Indian ministers) were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama(Yamraj) was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asksYama as to why this discrimination is being made.

> All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment?

> He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.

> Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".

> Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

> Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

> PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.....">

> Tough one. He fails again. Laloo is extremely unhappy.

> Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Yama says 'OK', but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

> PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947"and passed. Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 0,000 or> 200,000 or 300,000.

> Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

> It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.

> Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

> Management Lesson:

> "IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS JUST NO ESCAPE".

[ts]

[tscii:863c598dd9]...a few more to add to your list PP madam....

Corporate Lesson 6

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 7

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 8
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The Brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the arsh0l3 spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the arsh0l3 being the Boss. So the arsh0l3 went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shite!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any arsh0l3 will do.
[/tscii:863c598dd9]

[buddysathi]

Communication Gap


Mr. verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to
have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we

can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma ? "

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I! am following orders.... I have to inform you
are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ....
he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What

business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC,

"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[Anoushka]

AT THE END of my first day working at a 24-hour convenience store, a customer walked in and asked, "Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?"
"Yes," I answered, puzzled at the question.
"Well, then," he continued as he walked out, "why are there locks on the doors?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Mary K. Boyd


I HAD ALWAYS prided myself on being an "on time" person. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my husband tried to say something. "What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down. I'm late." "No you're not," he responded. "It's Saturday."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Rosetta Cales

A FRIEND was making dolls for her grandchildren. As she was painstakingly finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang. "Hi, Mom, what are you doing?" came a son's cheery voice.
Removing pins from her mouth, my friend answered, "Making babies."
There was silence at the other end. Then, quietly, "Oh, is Dad home?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Thelma Gilmore

I WAS OUT HAVING LUNCH with my partner, an infectious-disease specialist, when another physician stopped by the office. He wanted to ask my associate about a tapeworm infection known as Taenia saginata. When the receptionist told him we were out, he said, "Just tell the doctor that I may have a problem with Taenia saginata." When we returned, the receptionist announced to my partner, "A guy came by who said he was a doctor. He said to tell you he was in trouble with some Italian girl."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Lewis H. Seager

WHILE BROWSING in the electronics section of a large department store, I overheard a young couple interested in purchasing a cordless telephone. The salesclerk showed them a model that had a range of over 100 feet. "That won't do," the young woman said. "I have relatives in Philadelphia."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Byron Henry

AS A FEMALE airline pilot, I was amused one day by a passenger's reaction to me. The man had boarded the aircraft and was adjusting his seat belt when he happened to glance through the open cockpit door. His face paled and he exclaimed to a flight attendant, "Good grief! Is that a woman up there?" After a pause, he said quietly, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as they don't let her touch anything."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by D.A.B.

I DREAD going to the dentist. Once, to ease my tension, I listed my middle name as "Wimp." The receptionist read it, laughed and assured me that many patients felt the same way.
Half an hour later, the receptionist came into the waiting room. Looking directly at me, she said, smiling, "The doctor will now see the wimp."
Three other people got up with me.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Mitchell

A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by B N M

I USED TO WORK at an airport's baggage-claim area. One afternoon I unloaded some arriving luggage onto the carousel conveyor belt. A few seconds later the belt jammed when the first suitcase wedged itself at one of the turns. After I yanked the bag free, the conveyor started again, and the only way out was for me to ride the belt up to the carousel. I sat with the suitcase on my lap to make sure it wouldn't cause any more problems. As I slid by on the carousel, a passer-by yelled, "Next time, go first class!"

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Steve Lewin

MY FRIEND'S preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure," the man replied while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "but I'm not the one to ask. I'm here to deposit a check my mother gave me."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cynthia Morehouse

A FELLOW COMPUTER programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He requested my assistance in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work, with me just doing corrections and inputting data. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I replied that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get real nervous around smart people."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Rosie Blakeslee

TOWARD THE END of my pregnancy, my doctor was called out of town. Right after he left, labor pains started and I headed for the hospital. Things progressed so quickly that I was never told who the attending doctor would be. A stranger in scrub suit, gloves and mask rushed into the room, delivered the baby, and dashed back out.
My husband leaned over me. "Who was that masked man?" he asked in a conspiratorial whisper.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Lou Anne Buoni

THE HOLIDAY BOWL GAMES were in full swing, and we had invited some other football fans over. One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation. The next morning I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl?" I asked my just-awakening husband. "Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports-trivia question. "I think it's in Florida."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Janice E Thompson

AS ACTING CORONER, I came to the hospital one night to check on the victim of a fatal accident. An orderly accompanied me down the dimly lit hall in the basement that led to the morgue. Aware that the pathologist sometimes worked behind a locked door, I knocked three times. At that, the orderly piped up: "If anyone answers, I'm leaving."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Francis N. Taylor

WHEN MY HUSBAND and I decided to rent a car and drive to Oregon to visit family, we discovered that many rental agreements come with restrictions. After several calls, I wearily asked a sweet young agent if her company had any restrictions on taking its rental cars out of state. After a bewildered pause, she replied, "Well...you have to bring it back."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Diana Rayburn

DURING A TRIAL at which I was an attorney, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. We watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney, without changing _expression, "we could start with an easier question."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Francis N. Taylor

WITH RETIREMENT APPROACHING, my wife and I started searching for a pleasant place to live. Each area seemed to have certain advantages and disadvantages. Then we found Summerland, in Santa Barbara County, and a signpost that read: SUMMERLAND Population 3001 Feet above sea level 208 Established 1870 Total 5079
"Let's settle in a town with a sense of humor," my wife said.
We did!

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by S P Johnston, Jr.

ONE EVENING our family was enjoying a newly discovered delicacy...shark steaks. In our enthusiasm, we cooked more than we could eat. The next day when I took the remaining steaks out of the refrigerator, the label on the foil-wrapped package caught my eye.
In neat handwriting, my husband had clearly identified the shark leftovers: "Jaws II."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Terry Tucker Francis

A WOMAN who works for a doctor usually got her birth-control pills free from the pharmaceutical salesmen who dropped by from time to time. One day, when she was in short supply, a co-worker told her, "Here's the guy you've been looking for."
"Thank goodness," she told the man. "I've been waiting for you. I use ORTHO-NOVUM birth-control pills."
Several moments of silence followed before the man identified himself as the business-machine repairman.

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by C.B. Hackworth

I HAD PERSUADED a very unwilling friend, who is overweight, to go horseback riding with me. "It's fun and a good way to exercise," I said reassuringly.
At last he lifted himself into the saddle. Gingerly patting his mount's neck, he said, "It's going to be great exercise for us both. I'll be riding and the horse will be weight lifting."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Margaret Keynes

WORKING in a print shop, my co-worker and I sometimes forget how complex the equipment seems to clients. She explained to one woman how to use a copier that could enlarge, reduce, collate, change paper size and adjust the lightness or darkness of copies. "It's really so simple," my colleague concluded. "All you have to do is tell it what you want, and it does it."
The client's anxiety vanished. Leaning close to the machine, she commanded, "Copy both sides, please!"

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Aleta Sonnenberg

[Anoushka]

Chinese Laundry

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown recently, a retired FBI Agent on
vacation from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,shops,
signs and banners.

He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese
Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.
He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the
name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with
the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the
name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The retired Agent selected
a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back home. Behind the counter
was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The retired Agent asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name
like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ah, everybody ask me
that. It is name of owner." Looking around, the retired Agent asked, "Is he here
now?"

"He right here," replied the old man. "He is me." Being a Bureau trained
interrogator and well-schooled in advanced interview techniques, the retired Agent
asked, "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a
name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many years ago when I come to this country, I
was standing in line at documentation center. The man in front of me was
Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at counter looked at him and said, 'What
is your name?'"

He answered "Moishe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What is your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

[NOV]

Ode to Alcohol

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.

[NOV]

Q : what is the future tense of marry?
A : divorce


Q :have you heard the latest scandal?
A : no, my wife's out of town.


Q how can you live without your wife?
A : much cheaper


His wife ran away from home - so he ran away, too.
Q : why did he ran away?
A : he was afraid she might change her mind and come back.


She's been married so ofted that the wedding bells sound just like an alarm clock to her.


Q : do you know who the greatest dictator in the world is?
A : yes, I am married to her.


Hear about Mohan being in hospital?
In the hospital? Why, I saw him last night dancing with a lovely teenager.
That's why he's in the hospital. His wife saw him, too.


Some wives leave their husbands and take everything; others take everything, but don't leave.


My wife and I have a partnership. She takes care of and decides on all the small things, and I take care of and decide on all the big things.
Q : how are you going?
A : so far no big things have come up.


I let my wife do all the cooking and mending and washing.
She must be a hard working wife?
You said it.
Don't you ever help her with her work?
Sure. On monday I wash dishes - wednesday night I clean the furniture with her and tonight I'm going to mop the floor with her.


I heard your wife came to you on her knees yesterday.
Yeah - she did. She dared me to come out from under the bed.

[Shevani]

Title : Version Control

(Humor based on computer terminology.)

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though others users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each p******ing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches ******ociated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Others users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

******* BUG WARNING ******* Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

******* BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******* To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

[Shevani]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: What Do Women Really Want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur, would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would have perplexed even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody; the princess, the prostitutes, priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high as the witch was famous for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price; the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like a sewer and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden.

Gawain upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question.

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self. And the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would,he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament.
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments.

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
made
your
own
choice.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of the story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a . . . . . witch!!!

[Badri]

And since this is coming from Shevani, who is herself a woman, it must most definitely be true!!!

If she says all women are withces deep down below, foolish indeed is the man who'd object to that!! :lol:

[NOV]

- MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


- WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


- AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


- Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


- CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


- DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


- MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because there was a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.

- Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[lordstanher]

This is a collection of true leave letters and applications written by
people in various places of India...


1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.


2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was
performing the tonsuring ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."


3. Another gem from CDAC: Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."


4. From H.A.L. Administration dept : "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am the only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."


5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since
I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"


6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please
declare one day holiday."


7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"


8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."


9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."


10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."


11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".


12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the
same well."


13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your
advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or
Female'... As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can
handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

[NOV]

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

[NOV]

Sometime after Robert died, his widow, Sharon, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Robert thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Robert called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Sharon,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in
these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.'
So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Robert is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.'
I arranged Robert a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."

Holding her hand in the air, Sharon said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

[NOV]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[Deep_Secrets]

Maar Bhaaga Tha Ek Truck Mujhko

Hosh Phir Dair Tak Nahin Aaya

Dil Jalaane Ko Uspe Likha Tha

Phir Milenge Agar Khuda Laaya...


:P

[NOV]

1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.

2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

3. If I save time, when do I get it back?

4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
enjoying it.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

16. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but, if your
father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

17.I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

18.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say

19.If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly
are the others here for?

20.Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

21.How come "abbreviated" is such a long word

22.Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

23.The Best of Proverbs
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough

24.Living on Earth may be expensive...
but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..

25.Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !

26.ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what, who's in a hurry

27.Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids

28.Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..

29.A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed. :When do we start?"

[a.ratchasi]

Noah in 2005

It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.

I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.

They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly.

"The government already has "

[NOV]

Top Excuses If Found Asleep At Ur Desk!



"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"I'm in the management training program."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

[ts]

[tscii:4667d8301b]Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

The first student said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The second student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "Tell you what, all the three of us are wrong”.

Obviously confused, the first student asked “What do you mean by that?”

And the old man said: "…I thought it was a fart…"
[/tscii:4667d8301b]

[NOV]

Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

--------------------------------------------------------------

A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'

[NOV]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."

[NOV]

WOMAN has MAN in it.

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. has Mr. in it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

and so on.... the list is never ending

CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men

[NOV]

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

[scorpio]

CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men

NOV,

Now that you chose to post this in the jokes section, I can understand the humour you meant! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men

NOV,

Now that you chose to post this in the jokes section, I can understand the humour you meant! :lol:

:rotfl:
Good one, dear. :thumbsup:

[NOV]

sometimes, the unpalatable can only go down with some humour. what to do?

[NOV]

The Wife had just finished reading the book, "YOU TOO CAN BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE".

She stormed into the garage and walked directly up to the unsuspecting husband.
Pointing a finger to his face, she said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The husband coolly responded, "The funeral director?"

[Badri]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Badri]

Read this a long time ago in some tamizh magazine!! Not one of the very best, but still, funny!!

Person 1: Enna pa, payday inikki..mugathla, oru magizhchiye illaye?

Person 2: Ennatha payday...pay-a vaangi thaan pisaasu kitta kudukkapOrenney!!!


All non-tamizh folks, pls forgive. The joke will be lost in translation!

[scorpio]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Male chauvinism at its heights err..rolling down :lol:

[NOV]

Red Bank Tape
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."


Creepy Castle
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."


Spelling Difficulties
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."
Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a
pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."
The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."
Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."


Windows Problem
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

[NOV]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say........"

[NOV]

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.

Your husband
Allen


Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses
details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

[ts]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.


Nicely Edited NOV :D :D :D
Shame that the "punch" line cannot be said here :roll: :roll: :roll:

[ts]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team...

...but today the girl who plants the trees in the holes called in sick."

[a.ratchasi]

Top reasons why ladies today are still single!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy
and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

[NOV]

Memo from Black Guys to White Guys

When I was born, I was Black,
When I grow up, I remain Black,
When I go in Sun, I remain Black,
When I get scared, I remain Black,
When I am sick, I remain Black,
And when I die, I will still be Black


As for you, white guy

When you were born, you were Pink,
When you grow up, you become White,
When you go in Sun, you become Red,
When you are cold, you turn Blue,
When you are scared, you turn Yellow,
When you get sick, you turn Green,
And when you die, you become Gray

And yet you call me colored?

[ts]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[pavalamani pragasam]

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

[Querida]

:lol: good ones! Was not expecting that at all TS and Madam PP :D

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sigh of relief.

[dr#]

q. how do you get a {insert race} man on top of a roof?
a. tell him that drinks are on the house!

[NOV]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop, waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this, will work on a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and said : "Try doing it with the engine running."

[NOV]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.

[NOV]

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you look into their eyes there's nothing there.

[NOV]

To continue posting and to read new jokes, go here: http://www.forumhub.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=4723