A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[sanjay]

INTERESTING PHONE CONVERSATION

K-"Who's calling?"
W-"Watt."
K-"What is your name, please?"
W-"Watt's my name."
K-"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
W-"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt,

W-"Is this James Brown?"
K-"No, this is Knott."
W-"Please tell me your name."
K-"Will Knott."

W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn't you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That's what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt's my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don't.

[Pause]

K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!

K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt's my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!

[pause before it hits him]

K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn't you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!

[pause before it hits him]

W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it's Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.

[sanjay]

Upcoming IT Movies in Tamil Industry:

Chinna Mouse Periya Mouse

Aathaa Naan Java Certificate Vaangitten

En System En Folder

Engalukkum Offer Varum

Aval oru Programmer

Mouse Magesan

Login Aagaamal Ulle Vaa

Mail Anuppa Neramillai

Paar Monitor-ai Paar

(Java) Padithaal Mattum Podhuma

(EJB) Padithu Vaazha Vendum

Dbase-ilirundu Oracle Varai

Thudikkum (Mouse) Pointer

Saranam Internet (Bakthi padam)

Mouse Koduppaal GUIaambaal (Meena/KR Vijaya as GUIaambaal)

Ithuthaandaa Program (Telugu Dubbing)

PM-a Irundaa Enakkenna (Telugu Dubbing)

Vaishnavi MCA (Vijayashanti)

1000 Dollar Vaangiya Aboorva Bench Period

Link-aagatha Code-um Linkaagum

10-m 10-m 100 (Binary)

Manathil Logic Vendum

Code-kkul Bug

Ulagam Suttrum Analyst

Thedi Vanda Consultant

Thottathellaam Dollar-aagum

[sanjay]

Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite drama serials

Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega crorepati = A SUPERSTAR

Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent

Any actor + Any actress + many movies (http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||movies|AA1VDw) = David Dhawan

One smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

One person - shirt = Salman Khan

Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan

8 Actors + 8 Actresses + 14 songs + lots of rona dhona + 4 hrs long movie = Suraj Barjatya

[Badri]

Heard about India's own computer virus? It is called the Sardar Virus, for some inexplicable reason! The infected computer pops up the following message:

Dear User, I am the new Sardar Virus. I am not technically very advanced, so could you please delete all important files from your hard disk and send this virus to as many people as possible, to enable faster spread? Thank you, Yours truly, Sardar Virus


:lol:

[NM]

Badri... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Farmer and his mule...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year".... :lol:

[app_engine]

http://www.thinnai.com/pl0115045.html

Please read the last paragraph in this page:-) With Adhikesavan occupying the front pages of TN newspapers, this numerology joke should cause you to giggle....

[Surya]

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red
and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see
how all the witnesses contradict each other."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Neeharika]

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

[Shekhar]

[tscii:d27e4e8b3e]Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
[/tscii:d27e4e8b3e]

[Deep_Secrets]

deleted

[Surya]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here a cruel one:

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[Deep_Secrets]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here a cruel one:

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

deleted-

[a.ratchasi]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Moral:
The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project,
don't ask for the holiday; instead ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"
:lol: :lol:

Boss sure will approve your leave on the spot!!

[P_R]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here a cruel one:

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" :rotfl:
Here's one more of the same genre:
A hospital in rural land-mine ridden Cambodia. A little girl wakes up from her anaesthetic stupor and asks the Doctor: "Doctor,doctor I am not able feel my legs".
"Sorry dear, we had to amputate your arms"

[Deep_Secrets]

Why did the Lion lose at Poker?
Because he was playing with a Cheetah.

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!" The rabbit hops off. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replys "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"

[tomato]

The Above rabbit sounds just like Deeps to me. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Surya]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here a cruel one:

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" :rotfl:
Here's one more of the same genre:
A hospital in rural land-mine ridden Cambodia. A little girl wakes up from her anaesthetic stupor and asks the Doctor: "Doctor,doctor I am not able feel my legs".
"Sorry dear, we had to amputate your arms"]

my brain groans even as my lips smile! :lol2:


Here's one of that nature:

Q: Why doesn't Superman change in phone booths anymore?
A: The wheelchair doesn't fit. (Because the actor who acted in that movie is not quadrapalygic, he spends his life in a wheelchair.) :cry:

Now here is one from a different genre.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

[tomato]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for theway
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computerexpo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industrywith the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technologylike the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 carsthat got
1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments,General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developedtechnology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with thefollowing characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For noreason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every timethey repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a newcar.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows beforeyou could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have toreinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was poweredby the sun, was
reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy todrive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil,water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replacedby a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warninglight.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" beforedeploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously liftedthe door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radioantenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would haveto learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to pressthe "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Ilavenil]

Hi,

I got the following as email attachment. People who can take it sportively, go ahead and read it. If you are a very sensitive type of person, you can stop here. Please don't blame me, I didn't write it up. This is a conversation between two software engineers about Aryans and Dravidians.

Conversation:

Who or what is Maithili, in context of Indian literature?

Mr.x: Maithili is a language spoken in central bihar. It has its own
literature.It has its root in the old kingdom of that area.It is similar
to Hindi.

Mr. y: Maithili brahmins are known for their gastronome qualities !!!

Mr.x: Maithili is a language which derives it's name from the region in Bihar where it is spoken, the old kingdom of Mithla. There is a reference to the area even in Ramayana- Janak( Father of Sita) was king of Mithla and has been referred to as MithlaNaresh at many places in RamCharitraManas- therefore Sita was also called Maithili.

Mr.y: Recently one Congress leader, in defense of Sonia, quoted that Sita was also a foreigner because Janakpuri is in Nepal.

Mr. x: God Shiva is also a foreigner because Mt.Kailash is in China. Buddha was also a foreigner because Lumbini(?) is in Nepal. So was Guru Nanak, because Talwandi is in Pakistan. So was Porus. So was Gandhari.....:)

Mr.y: Rama was an aryan ; Germans claim to be aryans so Rama was a German &nbs nbsp; Hail Rama....

Mr.x: After defeating ravana .... Sri Rama flew back in Ravana's pushpak vimana & This is what the Mordern Lufthansa is . It is the modernversion of the older pushpaka vimana. The pushpak vimana was "driven" by hansa or swans....The insignia of Lufthansa is also a swan...This further proves Sri Rama was a German Hail Rama ....

Mr.y: No, on the contrary it proves that Ravan was a German since it was he who owned the Pushpak Viman. The passengers could belong to any country.

Mr.x: Say this to the DMK and they're gonna kick u!! according to them ravan was a dravidian and was attacked by ram as ram was an aryan. So if ram was a german, and assuming he was a 'hitlerite 'aryan, then, ravan must have been a jew!!!

Mr.y:Might be Russians too.. that explains why MK's son is called STALIN. So, at present we are at a point where MK's son is a Russian, implying MK is a Russian. MK is a ardent follower of Ravan who is a German Jew.

Mr.x: Looks like the german govt running Karnataka is conniving with the Russian govt at Tamilnadu (who support German) to fight the Italian Govts reps at 10 Janpath road. Some heavy international politics we have going on here.

Mr.y: According to maxmuller, Aryans came from Middle East. According to Bal Gangadhar Tilak, Antarctica was the home place of
Aryans. And Swami Dayanand Saraswati says Aryans were originally from India b'coz the place "saptsandhav" that is described many times in their book is nothing but Doab region between Ganga & Jamuna. And One theory according Bhagwandas is that Aryans were originally from India then they went to middle east and after some time they returned back to India.So there are different theories about the origin of Aryans

Mr.x: OH BOY!! WHO ARE WE?

Mr.y: It just occured that a better subject would have been "CRICKET"...."Are our cricketers Aryans/Germans ?" So we got to solve this one !

Mr.x: Germans don't play cricket. So cricketers can't be germans

Mr.y: Indians invented the decimal system. Ravan(Jew) had ten heads, Ram's father(aryan + German)had ten chariots (Dash-rath) etc.Thus , the base is 10. There fore they are all Indians

Mr.x: How logical!! Now I could easily prove that even Africans are Aryans. They have 10 fingers- so they are aryans. They have 10 toes on their feet - so they are aryans. Thanks for proving that all are aryans.

Mr.y: Then even monkeys are aryans!!!!!!(I think they too have 10 fingers). That's what ramayan says. So all vanars were also aryans!!!

Mr.x: No, Only the native of Haryana are are aryans b'coz U just remove the 'H' in Haryana so it becomes aryana.Agreed or not????

Mr.y: Let me get it clear.Are u suggesting that all people in haryana are monkeys?????

Mr.x: B'cas only teachers (arya's) are aryans. So all software engr's are dravidians.

Mr.y: Your theory only proves that Software engineers are not aryans.Therefore they can be any thing other than aryans and not only dravidians.

Mr.x: My theory is first step to identify software engrs.I'm more interested in showing that software engrs are not monkeys (bcas they are not aryans) which my house owner believes!!!

Mr.y: We sit before the monitor staring into the pixels, making faces the whole day like monkeys. And you claim that you are not in this monkey business? Beats me!!

[NOV]

As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast.

He called out, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

One man stepped forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray, while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[NOV]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If God was sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be God."

[NOV]

A lady invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the lady answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[NOV]

A man and his daughter were driving through a desert area when they were held up by bandits. The quick-witted daughter stuffed all the valuables into her mouth. The bandits, finding nothing else worthwhile, took the car away.

The father muttered, "I wish we had brought your mother along. We would have saved the car too."

[NOV]

Sekhar and Azhagana Ratchasi are talking...

Azhagana Ratchasi: I'll find out just how much you know about a boat.
What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?

Sekhar: Throw out an anchor.

Azhagana Ratchasi:What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?

Sekhar: Throw out another anchor.

Azhagana Ratchasi:And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?

Sekhar: Throw out another anchor.

Azhagana Ratchasi:Hold on. Where are you getting all your anchors from?

Sekhar: From the same place you're getting your storms.

[tomato]

:thumbsup: NOV, :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

NOV, you are asking for it! :twisted: :twisted:

[NM]

Sekhar and Azhagana Ratchasi are talking...
.
Nov.....you ARE BACK IN ACTION, aren't you??
AR will definately be back to ........shoot you :evil: :evil:

[NOV]

hehehehehehehe!

[NM]

I see AR has already done it!! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

NOV, I got to admit that you HAVE improved! :lol:
The recent time off has helped, I am sure! :lol:

NM, actually, I am thinking of using the anchors (courtesy of 'Shekar') you see, I am all against gun rights. :lol:

[NM]

AR...go ahead ....he needs it....BADLY!! :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

Welcome back, NOV!

mmm..looks like the vacation has increased your cholesterol levels.. :wink:

[juliee roddick]

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
By Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet


Love isn't love Until you give it away.
By Someone unknown


Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, But somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart
By Kay Knudsen


Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
By Someone unknown

Love is the beauty of the soul.
By St. Augustine


In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
By Elizabeth Ashley, American film actor

====================================

Mortgage refinance after bankruptcy (http://www.mortgage-refinance-after-bankruptcy.com)

[NM]

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation - like the welcome to NOV's . :evil: .

Love isn't love Until you give it away - like NOV giving AR away to the likes of Shekhar :lol:

Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out... :lol:

Love is the beauty of the soul ....like all the femmes of this hub.... :thumbsup: .


In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes ...like NOV does in AR's hub life.... :rotfl:

[Badri]

NM said:


Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out..

Why only JG, NM akka?

Not so long ago, someone said love might take them on a journey to different lands, like Down Under for example!!!
:wink:

[scorpio]

aahaa, NM inikku 'Form'la irukkanga doi!

[NM]

NM said:


Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out..

Why only JG, NM akka?

Not so long ago, someone said love might take them on a journey to different lands, like Down Under for example!!!
:wink:
Shhhhh! thambi....athu oru periya secret.....!

[Badri]

Oho! Now you tell me!!!! :wink: :wink:

[NM]

aahaa, NM inikku 'Form'la irukkanga doi!
Aamaam.....scorpio.....naan rombe nalla "mood"le irukkaen.....Nov vanthu vittarule?? Inime namme konjum "sharp"-a taan irukkanum!! :lol: :lol:

[NM]

Oho! Now you tell me!!!! :wink: :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[hi]

Dad, Rahul and Priya loved watching television. The three of them always fought as to who will watch what. Their mother wouldn't interfere with their fights. Each one would snatch the remote and keep changing channels. Rahul wanted to watch the cricket match, Priya wanted to watch the cookery show and Dad the Political news.

This is what their mother heard one day:

In the parliament today...Nehra bowled his first over...and is washed away in boiling water....The finance minister...went straight into the hands of Tendulkar...and is sliced into pieces.... Mr. SM Krishna visited...Anil Kumble who is now going to...break the egg and...the leader of the opposition party...is hit on the face...which will now turn red in two minutes...during the zero hour...both the umpires...are fried golden brown.

We now end the news bulletin...by calling Dravid...to peel the onion.

[Sudhaama]

One Student wrote... to his Friend...

My Dear Friend... I am Quite WELL... I hope you too are in the SAME WELL!!

[Querida]

NOV-san back with style is it... :lol:

Strange and silly things to do while driving.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Cheer for firetrucks and ambulances.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Throw Spam. (mystery meat not computer junkmail :wink: )

Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

[Badri]

Q: Just what are you trying to do? Get us to lose our license? Or worse, get landed in the cooler??????

[Querida]

well if im not allowed to drive then atleast let me have some fun with the drivers :P

[Badri]

Hey Q: Check out Picked from the Papers. There's one news item very closely related to your driving lessons and to Canada!! :wink:

[NOV]

A patient in Tanjung Rambutan (mental hospital) is singing on his bed.

At first, he sings lying down with his back on the bed......... and
sings and sings and sings ........ then later, he changes his
position with his face down.

The nurse asks him why he turns and sings with his face down.

He says:" Side A finished already, now playing Side B lah"

[Badri]

NOV!!! :banghead:

[NOV]

oh sorry!
you would have prefered if I had said a woman hubber instead of mental patient? :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Badri, the new manager spends a week at his new office with NOV, the manager he is replacing. On the last day NOV tells Badri, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and Badri feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of NOV and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Badri quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, Badri opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

[Roshan]

Good one scorpio !!! You have rightly chosen the names coz that's what happened at the hub too :lol:



Scorpio,

Your signature lines are nice !

[scorpio]

:notworthy: to Roshan!
NOV asked for it!

[NM]

Scorpio....

Very well "written" pa!! :lol: :lol: So, it's Badri's & Nov's time, is it? JG & Shekar get a rest?? :wink: :wink:

[a.ratchasi]

NOV, you dont have to change 'character' to post personal experiences here. :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

a.r,

:rotfl: :rotfl:

NM,

Why bother Shekhar and JG when they are so busy fighting between themselves in the 'Current affairs' thread. We can give JG his due when he sheds his poetic veil within exactly 90 days from June 17. :wink: :lol:

[NM]

Sounds like Nov's getting roasted, ladies!! :lol: :lol:

[Roshan]

We can give JG his due when he sheds his poetic veil within exactly 90 days from June 17. :wink: :lol:

:lol: :lol:

yes yes !! aasai 60 nAL .. mOgam 30 naaL. 60+30=90.

You are right once again scorpio !!

[Roshan]

NOV, you dont have to change 'character' to post personal experiences here. :lol: :lol:

:thumbsup:

[genesis]

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.

Here's his dynamite speech : (If you know Hindi, you will enjoy it better)

Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"

[stranger]

:notworthy: to Roshan

Is this emoticon ( :notworthy: ) means "NOT WORTHY" or "noteworthy" or "whatever scorpio means" (I guess c did not mean both) ??? :banghead:

Sorry for the digression. :)

[NM]

A.r and Scorpio,

What can I say?...Both of you are RIGHT!! :lol: :lol: :thumbsup: :notworthy:

Stranger,

Even tho' it says Notworthy, we use it to show the worthiness of the post...use it as a "bow"..... :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

Some signs seen around England

1) In A health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

2) On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on door, bell doesn't work.)

3) In a bathroom in a London office: Toilet out of order, please use floor below.

4) In a London department store: Bargain Basement upstairs.

5) Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washers, dryers, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

6) On a church door: This is the gate to Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft, please use side entrance.)

7) Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

8) In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain board.

9) In another office: Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

10) In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

11) In a dry cleaning window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

[NOV]

What I Learned from the Movies...
OR
And You thought Indian Movies were Bad!

1.) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

2.) All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3.) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

4.) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5.) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

6.) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

7.) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

8.) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

9.) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

10.) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

11.) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

12.) Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

13.) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

14.) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

15.) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

16.) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

17.) Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

18.) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

19.) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

20.) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

[NM]

NOV....hilarious!! :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[NOV]

NM - :)


Now, for....

Breaking News from England....


Camilla is very pleased with how the wedding went, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and a driver.

[NM]

....

Breaking News from England....


Camilla is very pleased with how the wedding went, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and a driver. :lol: :lol: :lol: Wonder if it involves a ride thru' the tunnel!! :lol:

[NOV]

I have a professional woman as my wife; a Chartered Accountant. She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food.

She thinks I am no good with numbers. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house. Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance.

The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging mileage and overtime to the house budget.

She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. No honey, I am the auditor.

I fail to see the light. Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it. I am worried.

The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.

She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this!

Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion. I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases.

Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized.
Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.

When she cooks: my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared. She is crazy, I tell you.

Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.

When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!

Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid of her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??

I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.

Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation...valuation of intangible assets.

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!

(An Auditee for life)

[NM]

These are real quotes!! :lol:

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
-- Chic Murray


I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.
-- George W. Bush

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
-- Jim Morrison

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

NM, you should tell the last three to Jaiganes. :twisted:

[NM]

Those were posted specifically for JG, NOV :lol:
:lol: :twisted: :twisted:

[Badri]

And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.

I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them! :wink:

:lol: :lol:

[NM]

And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.

I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them! :wink:

:lol: :lol:

Badri..... :evil: :evil: :evil: You wait!! :twisted: :twisted:

[NM]

A few more for thambi JG...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
-- Les Dawson

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne

[Badri]

And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.

I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them! :wink:

:lol: :lol:

Badri..... :evil: :evil: :evil: You wait!! :twisted: :twisted:

NM, you are not helping your cause by responding like this, did you know that? :lol: :lol: :lol:

I didn't even have to name names, now that you have responded! :rotfl:

[NM]

Cha! Maattikittaen!!!! :oops: :oops: Thambi........ithuthaan sollurathu..."love is Blind-nu"....enna seirom, pesuvom endru theriyaathu...... :wink: :wink:

[Badri]

Well, purinja seri!

:lol:

By the way, I was waiting to see how the other unnamed person would respond! Quite obviously, she may be in love, but certianly not blind!!!


:wink: :wink:

[NOV]

cha! too much of chatting, and not enough jokes to go around.....


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[NOV]

A funeral service was held for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!

She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"

[NOV]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"

[Badri]

[tscii:df2b632487]Ok, ok, Nov thittararu!!! People, let us quit clowning and get serious about joking!! :lol:

I will make amends. Here goes the first! Sorry if it is a real KADI

In the mid fifties, there was a quite famous Baron that liked to go on safari. He’d hunted lions, zebra, elephants, you name it. He had quite a reputation for being an expert hunter.

He’d started to get bored with run of the mill game though, so when he heard about a giant gorilla running around the jungle, he decided that was a worthy challenge. The only trouble was, nobody had been able to track it except for the locals. Being too proud to ask for help, he spent a month in the jungle, getting all kinds of nasty rashes as he went about hunting this legendary creature.

Day after day, he got closer and closer, until he finally managed to catch up with it. It was lying unconcious in the middle of a clearing, with a skinny native boy standing on top of it, grinning away.

The Baron says “Bloody hell, I’m the world’s most famous hunter, and I’ve spent weeks tracking that damn thing! How on earth did you knock it out?”

The kid goes “Oh, that was easy, I used my club.”

The Baron goes “Crikey! That must be one big club!”

The kid goes “Oh, it’s huge. There’s four hundred of us.”[/tscii:df2b632487]

[Badri]

[tscii:db1d441cb5]Ronald Reagan, Michael Gorbatsjov and Margaret Thatcher appear before God.

God to Reagan: “Son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Reagan: “I brought the Evil Empire to its knees, freed millions of people from communism and ended the Cold War.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my right side.” God to Gorbatsjov: “And you son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Gorbatsjov: “I introduced perestroijka and glasnost, and guided the Soviet Union away from communism while avoiding armed revolution and bloodshed.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my left side.”

Next, God turns to Thatcher and says: “And you sister, what have you done?” Thatcher replies (high-pitched voice, English accent): “In the first place, I am not your sister, and in the second, get out of my chair!” [/tscii:db1d441cb5]

[Badri]

A blind man walks into a bar in Germany and tells the barkeeper: "Would you like me to tell you a "Blonde" joke?"

Says the barkeeper: "Consider first: I am blonde; the bouncer is blonde; the man to your left is a blonde wrestler; the man to your right is a blonde weightlifter; and the man over there is a blonde bodybuilder. Do you still want to tell your joke?"

"No", says the blind. "Sure wouldn't want to explain it five times."

[Badri]

[tscii:ac240d53c6]Another of those Engineer vs Manager jokes, but different!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must be in management.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.” [/tscii:ac240d53c6]

[NM]

Thambi rOsem vanthurichi pOle irukku!! :wink: :wink:

[Badri]

[tscii:e12c8c3ef3]An accountant, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a beer and talking about how to deal with women.

The accountant says “Have girlfriend. You keep your independence and can spend more time with your friends.”

The lawyer says “Better to have a wife. She can help you advance your career.”

The physicist says “No, no. Best to have a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you’re with the girlfriend and the girlfriend thinks you’re with the wife. Meanwhile you can be down at the lab.”[/tscii:e12c8c3ef3]

[Badri]

[tscii:aba294e533]Athellam onnum illa, NM Akka...konjam jokes, konjam chat pannalamennu thaan!!! Enna, NOV, ippo seri thaane?

There’s this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad, says “OK, for you” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.

When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I’m awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astonished. He can’t understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

[/tscii:aba294e533]

[Badri]

[tscii:641f659ed6]A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

Phew, that should it do for today!!!! [/tscii:641f659ed6]

[NM]

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES

Inside every older lady is a younger lady - wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong-

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

[Akash]

WOW that was good one NM...... heres my part!!

Things Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4 My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[NM]

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"....... :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

NM wrote-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

NM, I give below a slightly modified version of the above quote-

Behind every successful man, there is a woman and behind her, his wife.

Now, the catch for the hubbers is to find the name of the hubber who said this quote in the old hub :wink: :wink:

[P_R]

[tscii:db4617d307]A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

Phew, that should it do for today!!!! [/tscii:db4617d307]
:lol: :lol:
This is an old one:
A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"

[stranger]

Stranger,

Even tho' it says Notworthy, we use it to show the worthiness of the post...use it as a "bow"..... :lol: :lol:

That is a new lesson!

Bow ( :notworthy: ) to that, "eNNam"!

I believe, "Don't guess, ask" is always a wise policy!

[Querida]

geez are we on a cruel joke streak? Frankly don't stop i'm still laughing :lol:

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

[NOV]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?

Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

Man: No, we have bullcart, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?

Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?

Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?

Man: She going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?

Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say "Polish Remover".

[Deep_Secrets]

The Bunny RULES:

1. The bunny is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the bunny is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The bunny is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The bunny can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the bunny is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with humans, on the bed.
6. OK, the bunny is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The bunny can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The bunny can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The bunny can sleep under the covers whenever he wants.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the bunny.

Now Taomtoe, tahts me!

[tomato]

Now Taomtoe, tahts me!

:D

[a.ratchasi]

A Polish man...

:rotfl:

[NM]

NM, I give below a slightly modified version of the above quote-

Behind every successful man, there is a woman and behind her, his wife.
Now, the catch for the hubbers is to find the name of the hubber who said this quote in the old hub :wink: :wink:
Scorpio....is it the same person who goes jogging to hv fun oggling at cuties in t-shirts?? :lol: :lol: Whoever it is, sorry.... :twisted:

[NM]

A Polish man...

:rotfl:
AR - you simply have the talent for spotting the right words... :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

[Akash]

Ramayana by Bill Gates...

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-rughana.RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor.

However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14 years.

At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed through DOS-rat and he kollapsed, power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.

The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her.RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out resperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERVAL !!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests.Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the .'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to'INFO SEEK' something about C'ta. Some of them even shouted YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND MESSAGES'. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE. Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring)to identify himself to 'C'ta.

After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.

One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily everafter.

[scorpio]

Akash,

:lol: :lol:

[NOV]

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before his scheduled visit to Washington and meeting with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say "how are you?"
Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Then the translators, will do all the work for you.

It seemed quite simple, but what happened was ....

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who are you?"

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, haha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."

His reply was followed by a long moment of silence in the meeting room.

[NOV]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

=============================================

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kebab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken!

=============================================

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake ?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

=============================================

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

=============================================

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good

=============================================

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

=============================================

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.

=============================================

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

=============================================

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

=============================================

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

=============================================

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand and strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming: WOO HOO! What a Ride!!!!"

[NOV]

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

[Badri]

[tscii:55b474bc80]The Irish are rumoured to be prodigous guzzlers! Here's one more Irish drink joke...


This Irish guy walks into a bar he has never been to and straight up to the counter. The barman asks him waht he would like to drink but the Irish guy sees a sign behind the bar ‘Anyone who can drink 50 pints in a half hour wins 1000 Euro’.

He turns around immediately and leaves the bar, the bartender is puzzled.

A while later the Irish man comes in, orders 50 pints of Guinness and proceeds to drink them in 29 minutes. The bar man is amazed and asks the Irish man - ‘Thats amazing, no-ne has managed that before! But tell me why did you leave the bar earlier?’

The Irishman replies - ‘Ah sure, I went round the corner to see if I could do it first!’
[/tscii:55b474bc80]

[Badri]

The next time you apply for a day off at work, you boss might just say this:

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Steve Brundage

[Querida]

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause your fatter than they are.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

************************************************** ***

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

[a.ratchasi]

Rajinikanth was bragging to Jayalalitha one day, You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

Tired of his boasting, Jayalalitha called his bluff, OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?

Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.

So Rajini and Jayalalitha fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom

Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, Thalaiva! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!

Although impressed, Jayalalitha is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, she tells Rajini that she thinks
Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else, Rajini says.

President Bush, Jayalalitha quickly retorts. Yes, Rajini says, I know
him, let's fly out to Washington. And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Rajini on the tour and motions him , saying, Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.

Well, Jayalalitha is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, she expresses his doubts to Rajini who again implores her to name anyone else.

The Pope, Jayalalitha replies. Sure! says Rajini.

My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time. So off they fly to Rome. Rajini and jayalalitha are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Jayalalitha had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to Jayalalitha' side, Rajini asks her, What happened?

Jayalalitha looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the

Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?
Valgaa Thailavar!!!
8)

[juliee roddick]

Banta Singh and Santa Singh tired with the mobile communication and decided to use the conventional method of communication. That is to use pigeons to send messages. One day Santa sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is with out message. Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa what is this joke? The pigeon is without message. Then Santa said khotey this was a missed call.






==========================================
Bad credit home mortgage loan (http://www.badcredithomemortgageloan.org)

[NM]

Funny quotes.....hv a good laugh! :lol:

"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

When you lose someone, you realize just how much that person means to you, So maybe its a good thing they're gone. So you can see just how much that person means to you. -Anonymous.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.

[NOV]

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

3. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

4. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

6. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

7. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

8. From H.A.L. Administration dept: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.

9. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

11. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

12. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

And the best apllication award goes to....

A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or
Female'... As I am both ! for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

MOTHER had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mary L Bounds

[Badri]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Sandeep]

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Anoushka]

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!


If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage


During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the
horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.

Your smile can be compared to a flower
Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo
Your inocence to a child
but in stupidity
You have no comparison
You are the best



Dear Friend,

when i ask you flower,
you give me bouquet
when i ask you a stone
you give me a statue
when i ask you a feather
you give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone idiot

Teacher : four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ....
Student : WOW !

SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....

Teacher : U failure ! @ your age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ your age hitler commited suicide

[P_R]

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. :lol:
These Quantasians are crazy ! (tap tap tap)

[Hyderabadi]

Psychic Chat

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

[Hyderabadi]

Good Appetite


They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."

[Hyderabadi]

Time's Up


Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

[Hyderabadi]

Serious Patient

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

[Hyderabadi]

Wear Condoms!

A population control program had been introduced in a remote village, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

Doctor told Santa, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.

About a month later Santa's wife, Jeeto, came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Santa in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn't worn the condom.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."

[Hyderabadi]

First Class Magistrate

First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.

FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?

Woman: Well. I live alone.

FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I got only one bed.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I go to bed naked.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: Be my guest, FCM.

Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.

FCM: Good birds you got there.

Woman: Yeah.

FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?

Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.

FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.

Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class magistrates.

[Hyderabadi]

Milking Santa

Santa is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. Banta comes in and asks, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain
. Banta: So what happened that is so horrible?
Santa: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my buffalo milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Banta: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what happened.?
Santa: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Banta: Again?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So, what did you do then?
Santa: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Banta: So then what did you do?
Santa: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid buffalo knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Banta: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what did you do then?
Santa: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

A PASSENGER on the bus I drive was telling all the other riders how proud she was to finally be getting her driver's license. "No more waiting in the cold for buses!" She proclaimed. "No more being late!" Then she leaned over and asked me to please let her know when we reached the stop for the department of motor vehicles. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but my vision isn't good enough to read the signs."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Paul Solem

[ts]

The Internal Revenue Service sent an auditor to a synagogue. As the auditor reviews all the paperwork, he turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes, we do," responded the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" He asked.

"A good question," noted the rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi calmly. "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer; and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how he could fluster the rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he continued, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste." The rabbi answered. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a Little Prick like you."

[Querida]

:lol:


when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone up idiot!

Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again :P

[P_R]

:lol:


when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone up idiot!

Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again :P Nice insight, but why me ?

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

TIRED FROM WAITING for their overdue baby, my daughter Margaret and her husband Dave broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. Margaret went inside to get seats while Dave bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, Dave then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. Dave sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cynthia Holmes

[Akash]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club


Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2003
models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and
I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we
had
looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool
English
garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to???"

--keep ur mobile safe :)

[Querida]

Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again :P[/quote] Nice insight, but why me ?[/quote]

Because:
These Quantasians are crazy ! (tap tap tap)

Akash... :lol:

What about the Movies?

Do cruise ships show 'Titanic' as the evening movie?

Don't you think that the ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place? After all in the movies no one ever looks in there and you can travel to any part of the building without any difficulties right?

For those who are super-sensitive and demand only happy endings why don't they have a special showing of 'Titanic' running the film backwards?

How come all the villains know who James Bond is if he's supposed to be a secret agent?

How come bad guys always wait until the good guy comes before they start torturing their victim? Is that smart or what?

How come in action movies when a car takes off, the tires always make a screeching noise, even when the roads are wet?

How come in all the James Bond movies when the bad guys are chasing and shooting at James their bullets always land behind him and never in front of him?

In James Bond films as with many others why do the villains always tell the hero all about their plot and then not kill them immediately? And why do they always plan some horrible death for the hero through some extravagant contraption or explosion then walk away assuming it will happen?

In movies whenever there's a car chase why is the car always an extremely expensive one? And why does it always crash?

In the James Bond films how does Q always know exactly what James Bond needs? Is he psychic?

Why do good guys always shoot better than bad guys?

Why do the bad guys always wear black hats and the good guys always wear white ones?

Why is it that in the movies cars will explode in all accidents no matter how slight?

Why is it that in the movies when a guy's girlfriend is about to die or be murdered his car always either breaks down or gets stuck in traffic?

Why is it that most action movies the hero can be surrounded by bad guys with machine guns and only be armed with one pistol but still kill all the bad guys and end up untouched?

Why was 'Titanic' such a big hit? Don't we all know what happens? The boat sinks.

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

AN EXTERMINATING COMPANY was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment. After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."
Dad was silent for a moment. Then, in his slow drawl, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Bertha Morgan

[Akash]

Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!

No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an
annual free trip around the Sun..

Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !

Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to
pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in
backseats cause children !

Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING

A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one
else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need
much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much
help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car
around it.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three
days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good

[NOV]

A husband and wife went for haircuts. On the way out, they met another couple .....

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

blah, blah, blah ... ...

In the meantime, the men...

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

[Akash]

You know the Kidnapping is a NEWUPCOMING BUSINESS in Bihar... But it will execute in Panjab...

Here is the fact...

There was a Sardarji (HARMEET SINGH) who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him forr ansom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

HARMEET then wrote a notesaying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".Signed: "A Sardarji".

HARMEET then pinned the note to the kid's shirtand sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the HARMEETchecked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag. HARMEET opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 incash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellowSardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son." Signed: Another Sardarji

[Akash]

A man was sleeping in his house. Suddenly Yamaraj appeared & said, "Go out & enjoy. Nothing will happen to you for the next 10 years." He did so & met with an accident & died In heaven, he asked GOD, why did you lie to me. -
.
.
.
.
.
.
" SORRY SON, Appraisal time , HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET...

[NOV]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[NOV]

How to make a woman happy!

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a psychologist
15. a pest exterminator
16. a psychiatrist
17. a healer
18. a good listener
19. an organizer
20. a good father
21. very clean
22. sympathetic
23. athletic
24. warm
25. attentive
26. gallant
27. intelligent
28. funny
29. creative
30. tender
31. strong
32. understanding
33. tolerant
34. prudent
35. ambitious
36. capable
37. courageous
38. determined
39. true
40. dependable
41. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

42. give her compliments regularly
43. love shopping
44. be honest
45. be very rich
46. not stress her out
47. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

48. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
49. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
50. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

51. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

[NOV]

How to make a man happy!

1 . Leave him in peace.

[Badri]

How to make a man happy!

1 . Leave him in peace.

You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!" :lol:

[NOV]

How to make a man happy!

1 . Leave him in peace.

You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!" :lol:maybe I need to be clearer.

1 . Leave him in peace.

Is that better Badri? :D

[Badri]

How to make a man happy!

1 . Leave him in peace.

You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!" :lol:maybe I need to be clearer.

1 . Leave him in peace.

Is that better Badri? :D

The operative word, NOV is actually leave!!

It should be

1. LEAVE him in peace

[a.ratchasi]

hahaha, as though we want them!

[Badri]

hahaha, as though we want them!

That was a good joke!! AR: see NOV's first joke! You'd know how much women want us men!!

[a.ratchasi]

That's what presumed by man.

It's no surprise, afterall, it is posted by a man and seconded by another. :lol:

Well, if indeed men take heed all those mentioned, who's complaining? :wink:

[dev]

Badri & Nov,

Ivalo pesuringa...aprom en kalyanam pannininga?... Neenga aambalainga ellam ponnungalai valaichu poatu avunga nimmathiyay kedukarathum illama enna chumma kathai vittitu irukinga?... Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri pesuringa??!!!:evil:

[scorpio]

Badri & Nov,

Ivalo pesuringa...aprom en kalyanam pannininga?... Neenga aambalainga ellam ponnungalai valaichu poatu avunga nimmathiyay kedukarathum illama enna chumma kathai vittitu irukinga?... Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri pesuringa??!!!:evil:

Dev,

Ivanga wives ellam hub pakkame vara maattanga engira theiriyathula thaan ivvalo pechu.. Wife-a pakkathula vechukittu oru vaarthai type panna sollunga parpom.. ellarum udane escape.. :lol:

[dev]

:lol: :lol: very true Scorpio...

[Querida]

Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri

Hey I'll second that idea! :lol:

************************************************** ***

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

************************************************** ***

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

************************************************** ***

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

************************************************** ***

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

************************************************** ***

[NOV]

Specially for Jaiganesh!


1.Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is fish & chips takeaway.

3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.

6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.

7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.

8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"

11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument.

12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket.

13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too long.

14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working.

Love longer... Marriage Later :)

[NOV]

A man sees another man leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over forty thousand packs! Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

[NOV]

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. The Boys start giving their intro.......

First boy : "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub."

The Teacher was confused en and said, "Interesting - well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes, next-"

Second boy : "Myself Peter, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

The Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . Ok, next -"

Third boy : "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Teacher : "Guys, are u joking or what ? Please be sincere. Ok, next -"

This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Harry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you boys for long. Any way, now the girls please -"

First girl : "I'm July and my hobby is to watch birds"

Teacher : "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next-

"Second girl : "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes"

Teacher : "Now its like educated grown-up girls. Ok, next- you, sweet girl- yes, you.."

The most gorgeously beautiful girl of the class : "Ma'm, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to bathe three times a day".......!!!"

[NOV]

How To Answer The Usual Questions Asked Of Indians

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

[Deep_Secrets]

[tscii:17bbea6e26]What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe?
Gives up ballet dancing.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology lesson."

What's worse than a giraffe with a stiff neck?
An elephant with a stuffed nose.

You know computers have taken over your life when...

You hum the Windows opening theme when ever you wake up
You think the numbers on tombstones are high scores
You use Google to search for your car keys
You actually hand in work from EssayGenerator.com
You keep getting fired as you beat up you boss thinking that you’ll get to the next level
You keep a trash can and a selection of neatly arranged folders on your des ktop
You excuse yourself to go to the toilet by anouncing that you have to "download"
You try to shut windows by tapping them on the top right corner
You refer to meals as "power ups"
You call christmas a "bonus round"

Ensoy!! :wink: [/tscii:17bbea6e26]

[NM]

LOVE :
If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place,

You either married it or gave birth to it!


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

I WAS WORKING at the grocery-store checkout counter, and a woman and her son came through the line. The son unloaded the cart. Two eggs in a carton had been broken, and half a loaf of bread had been mysteriously crushed. His mother chided him, remarking that she would have to make French toast with the injured items. He looked properly repentant until his mother walked off. Then he whispered to me, "A friend told me to try the broken egg/squashed bread routine. That's how he gets his mom to make French toast for him!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judith Cutcher

[Querida]

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"
Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"


************************************************** **

Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Stanley's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

************************************************** ***
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
************************************************** ***

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied. :twisted:

[NOV]

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
The days after marriage


During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?
He is given a last chance to run away.

A couple came across a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and remarked, "It really works!"

[jaiganes]

I read this one in Vijay Times a no brainer newspaper in Bangalore. It is a comic strip. This one is a real beauty.

Guy1: These days people don't remember God when they are all fine.
Guy2: But I do. starts talking to GOD hi dude whatsup...
Guy1: But the other day after your exams you were saying "Oh God, My dear GOD, Please GOD and so on...
Guy2: ???!!!!

Laugh if you can,,,,,,.................... :lol:
Hello NOV! how is your colour blindness ?

[NOV]

Hello NOV! how is your colour blindness ?this is the first sign Jai.
Be scared.
Be very scared......

[jaiganes]

I am very scared now.
In Sixth Sense Hally Joel Osment tone
I see colourful people!

[Anoushka]

Reader's Digest CyberSmiles

MY DAUGHTERS and I had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door. The young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in Building G," he stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions. A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man. "Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Virginia Prentis

[Akash]

Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!

No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an
annual free trip around the Sun..

Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !

Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to
pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in
backseats cause children !

Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING

A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one
else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need
much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much
help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car
around it.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three
days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

[Anoushka]

SINCE WE LIVE in Arizona, my sons -- ages four and six -- are constantly on the lookout for "real cowboys." They were ecstatic when two cowpunchers strode down an aisle in the grocery store. Their rough-and-tumble garb was authentic: dusty jeans, ten-gallon hats and well-worn boots with jangling spurs. "What could they be buying in here?" I wondered out loud. "Probably beer and tobacco." At the checkout line I saw the cowboys strutting out the door. Tucked under their arms were jumbo-sized boxes of disposable diapers.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Anne Buzzard

[Anoushka]

I ONCE WORKED as principal of a school in Venezuela. The first day on the job, I wanted the custodian to know that everything had to be shipshape. Since I couldn't speak Spanish and he couldn't speak English, we communicated by hand signals.
While we were inspecting a classroom, I noticed some screws loose on a door hinge. I touched them and twisted my hand. The custodian gave me a blank stare. Finally I found a screwdriver and started tightening the screws. The man smiled and nodded his head vigorously. I gave him the screwdriver to finish the job and returned to my office, content with my accomplishment. Five minutes later he walked in and laid the door on my desk.

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by William H. McWhorter


Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!

[Surya]

A few sterotypes of women in movies: :lol:

Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.
Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.
Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villian is close enough to hear.
Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by).
Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.
Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.
Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to elp/force her/knock her out.

:lol:

[NM]

Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.

Perhaps the directors should visit the hub to know abt the existence of blonk (clonk) queens! :lol: :lol:


Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.
Not in this hub!!!! Here, the men need rescuing!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Anoushka]

"WATCH OUT," I once cautioned my husband, Mike, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then I snapped, "Don't pass that truck -- his tire is wobbling."
Mike turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. I had been in a nasty mood all morning because of a headache, and the incessant squealing of the CB was more than I could handle. "Why do you always get so much static?" I asked.
"Because," Mike replied, "I'm married."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Carol Zatzkin


Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!

[Surya]

Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.

Perhaps the directors should visit the hub to know abt the existence of blonk (clonk) queens!

Yes!! There are some HEROs who are so terrified, they flee when they find the SANTHARPAM to do so from certain clonkers :wink: :twisted: .


Not in this hub!!!! Here, the men need rescuing!!

True! :lol: Poor Shekar...where is he? :wink:

[Querida]

How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.

News.
An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.

Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."

This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Badri]

The last one was hilarious, Q!!! Typical, eh!!! :lol:

[Querida]

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
**************************************************

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

************************************************** ***

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it
will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall
have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and
eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass
and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs
over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so
as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these
inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the
most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are
being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the
neighbors I am going to give them."

[Querida]

Why Ma? Why? : The following are answers given by elementary school age children in NA

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
2. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she
married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800
a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And
my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just
got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the
real power

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

:lol: :lol:
Way to go, Q!

[Surya]

:rotfl: Some of them were kind of cute though! :P

[NOV]

Raja: Which shaving cream do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja: Which aftershave do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja: Which deodorant do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja: Which toothpaste do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja: Which shampoo do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja: Which vests do you use?
Ravi: Baba's

Raja(Frustrated): Okay, tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international company???

Ravi: No, He is my roommate.

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol: welcome back, nov!! :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.

They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered...





SCROLL DOWN...







[This is great] - wait for it !!!!










"The teeth."

[Anoushka]

WHILE WORKING at Walt Disney World as a Magic Kingdom custodian, I was responsible for emptying the trash cans in front of the castle. One afternoon as I dumped out a refuse container, I heard a small girl ask her mother, "Who's that lady?" "Why, honey," her mom replied, "that must be Cinderella!"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Kristin Freefelder

[Anoushka]

A NERVOUS ATTENDANT on my husband's flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Gill

[NOV]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[NOV]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. But to no avail.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[NM]

Back in full form, i see! :wink: :D :lol: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

Height of some things

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Marrying a pregnant woman.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

[Akash]

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
.
.
.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Marrying a pregnant woman.
.
.
.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
.
.
.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

oh my god!! those were really funny :rotfl:

[Akash]

Querida, saw yr post in "insulting behaviour" :lol: :lol: !! its damn funny.... recalled Mr. Bean :)

[NOV]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[Badri]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Oh NOV!!! Just where do you get these gems from??

[a.ratchasi]

:evil: :evil:

[scorpio]

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

God said, " another dumber like YOU!"

[NOV]

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

God said, " another dumber like YOU!"now you know why they say women are their worst enemies..... :rotfl:

[NM]

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

God said, " brain for YOU!"

[NOV]

... "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[a.ratchasi]

Or even better, scorpio:

Adam:What can I get for just a rib?

God: a non-whiner who puts up with your nonsense
and who won't let you come running back
to me for everything. Most importantly, she won't
bargain!

Thereafter, womenkind were doomed eternally to live with men as they had not the privilege of asking god for a better choice. :cry: :cry:

[NOV]

Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that; why was she out of the house?

Q: A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

[Badri]

NOV: Your popularity rating with the women just dipped another 10 degrees! :lol:

Sorry, did I just say "dipped"? Make that plummeted! :lol:

[NM]

NOV: Your popularity rating with the women just dipped another 10 degrees! :lol:was he ever popular? :lol: :wink:

[NOV]

Badri & NM

I am not in this for popularity. The truth must be told. :D :D :D
Let me not waste this post and post another good one...

=====================


A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

[Badri]

Shall I join the NOV bandwagon? Or shall I take a pro-woman stand?

Why not do both!! One for the man, one for the woman!


Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."

Q. What is the thickest book in the world?
A. "What Men Think They Know About Women"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A. I don't know, I've never seen either one.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

[NOV]

and one for the road... :lol:


1. Two times a week, my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[a.ratchasi]

Husband defined

Husband - Someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he has just cleaned the entire house.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taking a Joke

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perfect

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

[a.ratchasi]

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be standing next to a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[NOV]

cheez! is that all you can do?
too polite for a come back! :lol:

[scorpio]

Guys!

You all badly miss Shekhar! Think something original and stop that copy-paste! :twisted:

[Badri]

Well, since it seems like all out war, here goes some more

Understanding a Woman


We need REALLY MEANS I want

You want REALLY MEANS You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

Yes REALLY MEANS No

No REALLY MEANS No

Maybe REALLY MEANS No

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

[Badri]

The Rules


1.The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3.No male can possibly know all the rules.

4.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7.If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8.The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.

9.The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12.The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13.Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

14. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void

[scorpio]

NOV and Badri,

Pl. take some time to go thru' the jokes posted already in this thread.. What you both are doing is just a repeat! Good advice will be to send SOS to Bangalore!!

[a.ratchasi]

Honestly, NOV, I couldnt find anything that comes close to your lame ones. So I give up. :lol: :lol:

:poke:

[Badri]

Scorpio: If only men had that much time to spend on old posts and old threads !! :lol:

[NOV]

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a tooth pulled," the man said.

"We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

[a.ratchasi]

NOV and Badri,

Pl. take some time to go thru' the jokes posted already in this thread.. What you both are doing is just a repeat! Good advice will be to send SOS to Bangalore!!

Men taking advice? :rotfl: :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Scorpio: If only men had that much time to spend on old posts and old threads !! :lol:

Oooops, sorry, that requires memory which in turn requires BRAINS.. I rest my case! :lol:

[NOV]

LONDON (Reuters) Yesterday scientists for Health U.K. suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a two-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

1.Gained weight

2.Talked excessively without making sense

3.Became overly emotional

4.Couldn't drive a car

5. Failed to think rationally

6. Argued over nothing

7. Had to sit down while urinating

8. Refused to apologise when obviously wrong

No further testing is considered necessary.

[NOV]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[Akash]

Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
.
.
Q: A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........
.
.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
.
.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!
.
.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

NOV pls, i dont want to get sacked on laughing like this in office :rotfl: :rotfl: oh my god!! oh my god!!

[Akash]

and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :clap:

Today its been a day for joke, thankz for scorpio to start this, and getting the returns :lol:

[NOV]

:lol: akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!

[scorpio]

:lol: akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!

antha bayam irunthaal seri.

I just read yr signature line and will stop arguing as I don't want to be pulled down to that level!

[a.ratchasi]

:lol: akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!

Male humour. :roll:

[Akash]

:lol: akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!
No, in my team only one gal is there... we all are laughing here :lol:!!
Sad for the one gal in my team and others (To Whom ever it may concern.....) :lol:

[NOV]

only a woman sees an argument, when there is none. :rotfl:

[scorpio]

:lol: akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!
No, in my team only one gal is there... we all are laughing here :lol:!!
Sad for the one gal in my team and others (To Whom ever it may concern.....) :lol:

How chweeeeet of you dear!

[NOV]

continuing JC's Politically Correct Definitions....


She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[NOV]

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

[ts]

Dont know if this has been posted yet ! enjoy...

His and Hers ATM Machines

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

[ts]

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Anoushka]

I HAD SPENT THE WEEK visiting my sister, and we expected our parents to arrive the next day. Early that morning I awoke to the noise of the vacuum cleaner. My sister was hard at work sweeping, dusting and cleaning windows. "What are you doing?" I asked sleepily, as she shoved a dust-cloth into my hand.
"Get to work. Mom and Dad will be here by noon." She raced into the kitchen and began mopping the floor.
"The place looks great," I protested. "You cleaned it just before I got here."
"Yes, but for you the house was sister clean," she replied, never breaking stride with her mop. "Now it has to be mother clean!"
I started dusting.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jane C Sutton

[Querida]

Awww NOV-san must you repeat...has desperation driven you to this? :twisted: must be age.... :lol:

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

[Surya]

Nice!!! :D

[Akash]

Dunno... if it has been posted, already...

/*C Program to Propose a girl*/

#include<STD ISD PCO.h>
#include<love.h>
#define Cute beautiful_lady

main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute )
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);

else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;

restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;

cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
Popecorn++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;

park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<= 8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;

pub:
{
friends++;
party++;
booze++;
smoke++;
if(pub.close())
{
pay->bill;
come->out;
}
}
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
sweetpan++;
polo++;
goto home;
}

friendsroom:
{
goto sleep;
}

home:
{
if(mom.shouts())
{
reason=(combinedstudy || projectwork || friendsbday);
say->reason;
}
if(dad.shouts())
shut->yourmouth;

call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice ||lover_mom->voice))
{
hang++;
}
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
{
for(time=12:30;time<=1.30;time+=0.001)
{
say->ILuvU;
scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
}
}
goto sleep;
}

sleep:
{
*(dream)=love;
}
}

[Badri]

ennappa Aakasu: unakku thaan proposals varuthunnu kealvipatten!! :lol:

[Akash]

ennappa Aakasu: unakku thaan proposals varuthunnu kealvipatten!! :lol:

Aandava, yethukku.. yethukku.. muditchu podarathunnu alavea illama ragalai pannaratha :shock: !!

So which goto '...." : If(.....){.....} seems to be better in the above code :wink:

[Badri]

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

[a.ratchasi]

Badri, both you moderators have joined hands, is it?
Better NOV be!! :lol: :lol:

[Anoushka]

MOST OF MY baby daughter's wardrobe consisted of hand-me-downs from an older cousin. Since he was a boy, everything she wore was blue.
At the supermarket, other shoppers repeatedly complimented me on my fine-looking son. Eventually I gave up correcting them and began replying, "Yes, he is." Then one day I realized that I wasn't the only mother with this problem. As I pushed my cart down the aisle, I saw what I assumed was a baby boy. A closer look revealed my mistake.
On the back of the baby's blue jacket was a message stitched in small pink letters. It read: "Underneath my hand-me-downs, I'm every inch a woman."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patti Lacina

[Anoushka]

IN THE LAMAZE childbirth classes I teach, the first hour is a lecture. During the second hour, the couples get on the floor to practice breathing and relaxation techniques.
The lecture one evening was "Sex During Pregnancy." When I finished presenting the material, I asked if there were any questions. After waiting a moment, I tried to proceed -- only to be interrupted when the class burst out laughing. It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said: "Okay, if there are no questions about sex during pregnancy, let's get down on the floor and practice."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Nancy Romans

[scorpio]

Anu,

:lol: :lol:

what a relief from the usual wife-bashing in the name of jokes!

[Anoushka]

Scorpio: Just thought of posting something funny rather than post some men-bashing jokes! :)

inna seithaarai oruththal avar naana nannayam seithu vidal - appadinu namma thaatha Valluvar solli irukaar illaya :D

[scorpio]

Anu -engeyo poiteenga... :)

[Anoushka]

engayum pogalappa, itho ingatha, en chair-la thaan ukkanthiruken :) - inaiku adiyen seri kadi mood-la iruken, neenga thaan maatuneenga :lol: manichukonga :)

[Anoushka]

MY HUSBAND, Robert, and I were watching television the last Saturday evening in April. When he went to bed, I stayed up to see the end of a program. Before retiring, I turned the clocks ahead for daylight-saving time.
The next morning, the alarm wakened us for early church. When we arrived, it was still dark, and no one was there. "I can't imagine what's wrong," I said. "I turned the clocks ahead."
"So did I," Robert quietly replied.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Florence Leinaweaver

[Anoushka]

Actually I loved this one, because earlier this year I was in Venice the day the clocks changed. My hubby dear and myself after walking around Venice the previous day came to the hotel and crashed. A day earilier himself and my friend had an argument about if the clocks went back or forward in March and I did not listen to them carefully (was playing with my friend's one year old) I thought that the clocks went back (That was what they finally decided, though I knew it was "Spring forward and Fall back"). So when the next morning when we got ready and came down for breakfast thinking it was 9, it was actually 11!

I had to use my usual grovelling skills to get breakfast (or was it brunch) that day!

[NM]

Anu........very subtle jokes! :lol: :lol:

[NM]

NO OFFENSE!

MEN ARE LIKE .......

Placemats
- they show up when there's food on the table
Mascara
- they usually run at the first sign of emotion
Bike helmets
- handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
Government bonds
- they take so long to mature
Copiers
- you need them for reproduction but that's about it
Lava Lamps
- fun to look at but not all that bright
High heels
- they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it
Curling irons
- they're always hot and they're always in your hair
Mini skirts
- if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs
Handguns
- keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it!

[NOV]

NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?

Indeed men are:

Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.

Mascara - they make a woman complete.

Bike helmets - life-savers

Government bonds - your future

Copiers - Make lives easy

Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.

High heels - Something women won't leave home without

Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.

Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.

Handguns - Explosive!

[NM]

Oooh la la!! someone's in true form today!! :D :lol: :lol:

[Badri]

Sabash! Seriyaana POtti!! :lol:

NM...NOV's giving you your run for the money!!!

Viva NOV!!

[Shekhar]

NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?

Indeed men are:

Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.

Mascara - they make a woman complete.

Bike helmets - life-savers

Government bonds - your future

Copiers - Make lives easy

Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.

High heels - Something women won't leave home without

Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.

Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.

Handguns - Explosive!

:clap: :clap: