A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[johhny]

Hello,i posted as johhny babu, drake etc.. iam sorry for saying bad things abt different people. i will not visit this site again.u r superior to me an i realise that. please forgive me.

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[NM]

WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.

Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers


Scoripio.......
What can I say?? :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

[arihantarihant007]

not bad!! :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Guiness Stout and gulped his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a gulp from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can enjoy drinking this bitter - yucky stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[scorpio]

WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.

Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers


Hey, I had missed it. Great ones... :lol:

Here are some more..

PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.

Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..

Geno: Thou shall not preach..
:lol: :lol:

Shekhar,

:lol: You beat me on PP ma'm's statement.. I was about to post it.

Now, some more-

Rohit - All posts on this site shall be in English only. Mathematical equations of any sort is highly discouraged.

Sudhaama- Practice your next 100 posts with only one full stop after every sentence. Dragging sentences with too many dots in between will result in taking away your points on the hub.

[ts]

...appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery...:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got under way immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said "at least we'll have a bit to eat. "The robbers opened up a second safe,and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed,the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortable full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

ready for this ????????
squeamish/faint hearted please close or look elsewhere.

















IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

[Akash]

Trisha: Dr. naan shampoo potu kulikava illa soap potu kulikava!

Doctor: Muthala thaapa potu kulima!!

[Akash]

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s***!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

[scorpio]

Akash,

:lol:

[ts]

...only in America.....

A guy bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $38,000 ($600+ monthly payments). He and a friend went duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen in winter. These two guys went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer, and of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake and got ready.

Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, which is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee came a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists did take into consideration the ice. They placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they didn't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decided to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)

Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog took off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captured the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hit the ice. The two men yelled, screamed, wave arms and wondered what to do now. The dog, cheered on and kept coming. One of the guys grabbed the shotgun and shot the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stopped for a moment, slightly confused, but continued on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, became really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners had gone insane. The dog took off to find cover under the brand new Cherokee.

----BOOM!----

Dog and Cherokee were blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the Lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company said that sinking a vehicle in a lake by llegal use of explosives is not covered. They guy had yet to make the first of those $600+ a month payments!!

...and you thought your day was not going well!

[NOV]

Advertisement for a Wife



FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of
motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.
One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high.
However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve
efficiency.
Compatibility couldbe an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc
etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with
evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants.She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have
her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She
must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as
possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

PARTY GUY
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to bar. Meet personally in a bar or send
drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from x-ud, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

[Querida]

Fisherman: why fish? just cook and eat worms
5'8? Definitly no asian gurl need apply! :P
hmmm Party Guy should just stay bachelor :P
awwwwww how sweet:
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life.
************************************************** **
Gurl: why does the bride always wear a white dress?
Mom: Because white defines peace and happiness.
Gurl: Then why does the groom always wear black?
Mom: Well, the opposite of why the bride wears white.
************************************************** ***
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

************************************************** *
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

************************************************** ***

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

[Hyderabadi]

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "What are you doing?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Andy.

"Mom is going to be mad", said Little Johnny.

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Andy.

"Because the bed pan's on this side!"

[Hyderabadi]

Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

[a.ratchasi]

Q, 'That's once' is simply :lol: :lol: :lol: !
:rotfl:

[ts]

British scientists at the Royal Air Force, built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers at NASA heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new low flying stealth aircrafts. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the America.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Americans sent the disastrous results of the experiment to Britain, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


The Brits responded with a one-line memo --

You're going to love this...














"Defrost the chicken."

[Shakthiprabha.]

Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________ ________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
__________________________________________________ _

EGGS
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept
under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their
marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while
cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it
was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other
time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in
the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she
consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20
years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10
thousand dollars come from?' she asked.

'Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.'
-----------------------------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

_________________________

It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive
a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the
wheel, you can be sure he is married.

_________________________

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped
us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age.

One day little sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and
didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a
word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.
we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Always keep your condoms in the car"
__________________________________________________ __________

[NOV]

Because I'm a man....


when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.

-----------------------------------------------

when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

-----------------------------------------------

I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

-----------------------------------------------

when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

-------------------------------------------------------

I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).

-----------------------------------------------

I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should
stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

-----------------------------------------------

there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

-----------------------------------------------

I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

-----------------------------------------------

you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

-----------------------------------------------

I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

-----------------------------------------------

and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

--------------------------------------------

[Badri]

I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).

:rotfl: :rotfl:

That is so true!! What is it with us men and the remote? The urge to be in control, do you think????

[NOV]

Short, short story


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "will you marry me?"

She said, "no."

And the guy lived happily ever after...

[Badri]

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

[Badri]

Some more marriage jokes...hope we can dissuade Thambi JG from tying the fatal knot...

1. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

2. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!

3. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


4. Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.

5. Marriage is like a fortress under seige - those inside are fighting to get out, and those outside are fighting to get in

6. The wise never marry; if they do, they become otherwise

7. My favorite: Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

[scorpio]

NOV,

For yr 'Because I'm a man',
:rotfl:

Atlast, you've found the guts to speak the truth! Congrats!

Badri,
Enna joke post panni enna, JG-yai moonu naala kanavillai!! :cry:

[Hyderabadi]

Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________ ________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
__________________________________________________ _


Thanks - Shakthiprabha

[Akash]

FUN FOR THE YEAR

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/buildabetterbush.htm

[Badri]

Akash...


:rotfl:

Absolute time pass....good one

[dev]

Great thread guys... I'll make it a point to chk this thread daily...


Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

:lol: I believe the same applies to women too... :wink: :roll:

[Akash]

Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and
he will remember you
when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple,
easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating,
I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Behind every successful woman,
is a man who is suppressed.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness,
didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.

I'm not a complete idiot,
there're still some parts missing!

Forgive your enemies but
remember their names

The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

[scorpio]

Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.


Akash,

:rotfl:

P.S : Can you pls. tell me the name of your PM? :lol:

[Akash]

God only knows, if that PIG is around :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
***********************

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

[a.ratchasi]

scorpio, :lol: :lol: !

[ts]

Dont know if these have been said here already.. but anyway.. some stree relievers for the Friday...

Stress Reliever # 1
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: it is very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife : "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE."

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He is the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 8
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

[ts]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. “She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

[Cindy]

A poor, ill educated man created the billion dollar Reliance industry.

Two business graduates from Stanford and Wharton Business School are busy breaking it up.

That's education.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! WHAT A RIDE!!!

[scorpio]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
*******************

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

[Hyderabadi]

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[Hyderabadi]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild
sex they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!".


************************************************** ************************

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

************************************************** *********************

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.

I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.


"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

************************************************** ********************

Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
lass
of water."

************************************************** ********************

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "But that comes to real
money. A whole 4 cents."

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."

************************************************** ******************

The Sixth Affair

From Jimmy's diary:
" I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing
was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had
to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."

I said to myself, " Thank god that I forgot condom in car..."

************************************************** *********************

The Seventh Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lip began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, I have something
that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,

"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "That's why I poisoned
you....."

[Hyderabadi]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Hyderabadi]

Discoveres That Men And Women Made

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
The woman discovered CARDS and invented KITY PARTIES.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.

[Hyderabadi]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

[Hyderabadi]

Please get up!

Once a newly married couple had a quarrel as a consequence of which, all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning.
So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife s pillow.
His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper.

On it was written, "Please get up, it is 6 o clock now."

[Akash]

Sorry if you are NON - IT guy!!

If girls were programmed in C
the code for their structures would have been like this....

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};

struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};

struct old_lady
{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};

struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
};

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone ;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};

[Hyderabadi]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

[Hyderabadi]

Anniversary !!

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She got out of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What`s wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

[Hyderabadi]

Child support

John finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"

[Hyderabadi]

Girlfriend!
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

[Hyderabadi]

Upside down!!!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old b*astard dig. I had him buried upside down."

[Hyderabadi]

Getting Older!!

Mona and Julia are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn`t find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t bother to look at me!" Julia cries.
"I`m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Mona.
"Yes, but your husband`s an antique dealer.

[Hyderabadi]

New Fathers

A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

[Hyderabadi]

Nothing to lose

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Now, what?!!"' he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

[Hyderabadi]

The Truth!

A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife`s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
"Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

[Akash]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the
door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers
and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop
and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, "Hey,Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that
guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where
did he go when he left here?"


Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,

"Your house."

[Querida]

:D Thanx alot Akash and Hyderabadi for those hilarious jokes :rotfl:

well after all that fooling around... :twisted: there's got to be some divorce jokes !

Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- Lewis Grizzard

I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...
go to lunch or the movies?

[Surya]

The Drunk and The Nun.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"


The Bat.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[Akash]

Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.

For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.


God, its too much :lol: :lol:
Querida, really missed your jokes & posts!! just peep in Miscellaneous Topics too :)

[ts]

Alternate to Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says,
"Is here anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "… the airbag!"

Logic in Divorce
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"


Mickey’s Divorce
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f****g Goofy!"

[Surya]

:lol: :rotfl: I loved the mickey one!!!! :thumbsup: :lol:

[Hyderabadi]

Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions :

Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out

American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect
to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

[Hyderabadi]

Beer vs P**ussy

A beer is always wet. A P**ussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A P**ussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: P**ussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold P**ussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. P**ussy does not.
Advantage: P**ussy.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming P**ussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: P**ussy

24 beers come in a box. A P**ussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: P**ussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like P**ussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: P**ussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much P**ussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: P**ussy

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a P**ussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: P**ussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells P**ussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: P**ussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

P**ussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: P**ussy

If you think all day about the next P**ussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: P**ussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of P**ussy is more fun.
Advantage: P**ussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a P**ussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: P**ussy

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a P**ussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: P**ussy.

The worst P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad P**ussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: P**ussy

Good P**ussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: P**ussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: P**ussy.

[Querida]

uhhh that last joke was not in my sense of humour range...anyways here's my contribution today!

Things Mom Would Never Say


"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"


"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"


"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"


"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"


"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"


"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
************************************************** ***

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

************************************************** ***


Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

************************************************** ***

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
************************************************** ***
(i love this one :wink: :lol: )

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[a.ratchasi]

One elephant and two ants were fighting.
One of the ants was thrown away by the elephant. But the other ant gets a good grip and sits on the elephant.

Now, what did the wounded ant say to its comrade sitting on top of the elephant?
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.
.
.
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Machan avane vidathe!!Amukke!

[dev]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ...good one a.r...

[jaiganes]

a.r.! your joke reminded me of another one from Thenkachi K. Swaminathan in the radio program "Indru oru thagaval".

Two persons are watching a tight football game and at the end they were talking.

person 1: a very close game indeed.

person 2: yes, very close game, in all my lifetime, I have never seen a game like this one.

person 1 gets very upset with that statement. why?
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because person 1 was a 60 year old man and person 2 was his grandson of age 5 !!!

[Hyderabadi]

Shocking letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.


Love
Your daughter, Mary

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

[Hyderabadi]

Who's the father?


A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."

Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

[Hyderabadi]

Legacy


Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"How you look so glum?"

"This week nothing!"

[Hyderabadi]

Insufficient Funds


A young blonde college co-ed came running in tears to her father.

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

[Hyderabadi]

Hunting Blondes


Two Blondes were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.

The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

[Hyderabadi]

• Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

• Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.

• Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'

• Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

• A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.

• There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

• "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

• "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

[Hyderabadi]

• When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

• Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.

• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

• Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.

• Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.

• Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.

• Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

• Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

[Deep_Secrets]

HyderAbad, Some of your jokes are good and some of them are inappropriate, my thoughts.

Love these laughamaniacal(is that a word :roll:) jokes! Thanks for contributing everybody!!!

[Akash]

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop|
| programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks |
| of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in |
| the Sunday market. |
| |
| One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table |
| and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his |
| childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the |
| River Goddess. |
| |
| The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one|
| month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost |
| his computer in the river. |
| |
| As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a |
| match box and asked, "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the |
| Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." |
| |
| She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was|
| his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" |
| |
| Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it |
| was |
| his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." |
| |
| The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give|
| him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the |
| engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me|
| some better computers before bringing up my own?" |
| |
| The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you |
| stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the |
| Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So|
| saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! |
| |
| Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better|
| keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to |
| open your mouth and remove all doubt

[Deep_Secrets]

Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

Got it from... http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/miscellaneousjokes.html

[juliee roddick]

FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA

PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!

Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla

hows this????????????????














===============================================

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[Deep_Secrets]

FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA

PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!

Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla

hows this????????????????
















===============================================

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Yeh to Shayari hai....? Keh lateefa hai? Jo bhi hai, it's nice :D ...

[scorpio]

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Querida]

You know what's scary about that Scorpio? I wasn't shocked to find the answer :lol:

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS
1 Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3 I would not allow this associate to breed.
4 Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6 He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8 She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9 This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10 This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

[Hyderabadi]

Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga?

[Querida]

Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga?

sorry maybe this will totally ruin the joke but what does your joke translate to in english :?

[Badri]

Judge : Place your hand on Gita and swear...

Accused : Oh God! I was brought to the court for laying hands on Sita, now what will happen if I lay my hands on Gita as well...


That's what it translates to, Q

[Querida]

thanx Badri! :D ...nice i could still enjoy the joke as well :D

[scorpio]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.



Querida,

:lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

4 quick steps to cook Maggi

Step 1 - Boil water in a pan

Step -2 - Add Maggi noodles and tastemaker as soon as Ganguly goes into the pitch to bat

Step 3 - Stir till Ganguly stays in the pitch.

Step 4 - As soon as Ganguly is back at the pavilion, your noodles is ready!

[jaiganes]

scorpio!!!
Vendha punnil vaelai paaichiteengo!!!
(eng translation: Adding insult to injury!!!)
:rotfl: :lol:

[Roshan]

oru match thOtha udana captain-a mattum kuRai solluRathu.. hardly sounds a joke :x

[scorpio]

Roshan,

This is not about Ganguly's captaincy or the loss in Blore match. This is about his pathetic batting form which is driving sports columnists in Indian newspapers crazy. ALmost every paper has written columns exclusively on Ganguly's falling averages over the past couple of seasons. Infact, Hutch is carrying out an ad campaign featuring Rahul Dravid with the tag line-Rahul's waiting. The newspapers have interpreted this tag line as though Rahul is waiting to grab the captaincy so that Ganguly can impove his performance in the midle order.

Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom-grathukaaga ellathayum tappu solla koodathu Polees madam!

[Akash]

Hi All,


What is the next number in the series


21, 12, 12, 1, 2, ...


Scroll down for answer


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Come on ..


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Only Ganguly knows it. Because these are his scores in the Test series (But sure it would be single digit score) I am not blaming the captaincy here!! an indian cricketer who climbs himself a Batsman!! :wink:

[scorpio]

Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga.

[Badri]

Maybe someone told him 1 and 2 are his lucky numbers, so he is trying different combinations of it??? I'd say he's fairly exhausted them, then! :lol:

Of course, he could try 121 but that seems to be a looooooooooooong way off for him!

[Badri]

Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga.

Actually, it was the best time for that joke!!!!! Sort of clarifies yours, in case people didnt get it, dont you think?

People like me, I mean, who don't follow cricket!! :wink:

[Roshan]

Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom


konjamaa? ithu ithu ithu joke-u :rotfl:

Vivek our padathula vadivEluva paarthu sirippaarE -- hahaha.. ayyayyO.. thangaa mudiyalaiyE .. appadinnu.. antha mathiri sirikkiREn ippO :rotfl:

Thanks for the laugh Harry madam !! :lol: :lol:

[Badri]

:?: :?: :?: :?:

Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too?

[Roshan]

:?: :?: :?: :?:

Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too?

She wouldn't have coz, she did not intend it to be a joke . But unintentional jokes are more funnier to others.

But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock :wink: :lol:

[Badri]

But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock :wink: :lol:

Ah, that must be it! For a moment, I was shocked! Thought I had lost my funny bone! :wink:

[Roshan]

It's a matter of bully bone and not funny bone :wink:

[Roshan]

And Akash,

Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri :lol:

[Akash]

Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku..
come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation?? :cry:
scorpio, you could be a real dictator!! :lol: :lol:

When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it :P :P

[Badri]

When he has the right to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder if we wud get such runs after eating it

Akash!!! You are atrocious!!! :rotfl: :rotfl:

That seriously is a good joke!!!!

[scorpio]

And Akash,

Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri :lol:

Roshan,

Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri. :) Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!

Akash, Inimela naan ethavathu joke post panna, athe subject-la dayavu panni innoru joke post pannathe pa!

[Roshan]

come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation?? :cry:

When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it :P :P

Akash, what happened ??? :roll: all of a sudden you have started talking like the Captain - not captain Ganguly but Captain Vijayakanth . :lol:

[Roshan]

Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!

hahaha ithuvum nalla joke-U :lol:

[Badri]

Roshan,

Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri. :) Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!



Akka you are mistaken. What Roshan meant as a joke was the one she was rolling on the floor and laughing for.

Right, Roshan? :wink: (see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!)

[Roshan]

Huh!! trying to be smart.. but puriya vENdiyavangaLukku sariyA purinju thank-um paNNitaanga.. too late pa. Konja relax paNNittu appuRamaa vERa Ethaavathu try paNNi paarunga :wink:


(see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!)

illa illa konja nErathukku after shocks irukkum.. Sumatrala maathiri :lol:

[scorpio]

Oops.. oversight pa! Vayasayidhuchu illa !! ( ippo itha vechu oru ramayanam aarambikatheenga.. naan saapida poga poren)

[Roshan]

naanum saapda pOganum.. appuRam paakalaam

anyways thanks for the good laugh guys .. :)

[Deep_Secrets]

My Favorite.....A scientist, once having decided that he could master the intricacies of DNA, decided to go to God and tell Him that He was out of business. He went up to God and said, "God, we understand DNA now. We understand cloning, so we can make life. We don't need you anymore."

And God said, "Is that so?"

And the scientist proudly said, "Yes. Why don't we have a test, and I'll show you we've got it licked?"

And God said, "Fine. Why don't we make a person?"

The scientist said, "Fine. I can do that."

God said, "Why don't we make the person out of mud, the original way?"

The scientist said, "Oh, ho, ho, I can do that."

So God took a handful of mud, and the scientist took a handful of mud. And God said, "Oh, no, no. You get your own mud."

[Shekhar]

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

[ts]

Some Ganguly Jokes now :-)

Once, Dona, Sourav Ganguly's wife called Saurav on his mobile. Anil Kumble picked the mobile since Saurav has just gone to the field for batting.

"Hi Saurav," Dona said.

"Sorry, he is batting. This is Anil," Kumble replied.

"Oh, sorry," Dona said. "Where is Saurav? I have a very important thing to discuss with him."

"He is just gone for batting," Anil said. "Should I ask him to call you when he will be back here?"

"No, No," Dona said. "I will hold, he will return soon."

[ts]

Q: When would Ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling.

[ts]

After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team with Pakistan, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Pathan could not resist for too long to be in the hotel and not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Irfan!"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same again - the same woman greets him "Hi Irfan!".

Pathan comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Irfan!".

Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recongise me?"

The lady replies - "I am Ganguly!!!”

[Querida]

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

Ayyo Shekhar that was sooo funny! :rotfl:

TS that last joke i would have never guessed....great one! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! :lol: :lol:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

[a.ratchasi]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Akash]

The Health Secretary is visiting a psychiatric ward, and asks the Head Psychologist "How do you determine if a patient is cured?"

The psychologist explains, "We take them to the bathtub, which is
filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster ?!!."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply
pull the plug."

[Querida]

:rotfl: Akash...if you keep this up I'll have to soon prove that im sane as well...just pull the plug right?...just in case i forget :D :P

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

[Querida]

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Shekhar]

:clap: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Hemant Trived1]

4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:


Step 1: boil one cup of water 8)

Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the
boiled water and put the tastemaker. :)

Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield. :roll:

Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in
pavilion, your noodles r ready to Eat !! :lol:

Serve Hot! :twisted:

[Hemant Trived1]

Sorry Friends,

By mistake, I gave a very long time to Ganguly's batting with the following heading.

4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:

Please re-read as,

4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE 2 MINUTE MAGGI NOODLES.

Reason,

Ganguly reaches the pitch

Asks for guard = 30 seconds
Looks around and at sky=30 seconds
Digs the pitch=15 seconds
waits for the bowler to ball=15 seconds
Gets out at first ball and walks back to (un)dressing room=30 seconds.
End of time....two minutes over.

[Hyderabadi]

"I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared Banta. "He didn't sign his name!"

[Hyderabadi]

Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[Hyderabadi]

Preeto arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband, Banta, in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, Banta stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn`t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn`t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don`t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, `Is there anything else that your wife doesn`t use anymore?` And so, here we are!"

[Hyderabadi]

BMW cars were having back mounted engines earlier.
Santa purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Santa came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat.
By that time Banta came by that way and saw our Santa, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter.
Santa: "The BMW people made me fool.They have given me the Car without the engine."
Banta: "Don`t worry. I have spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that."

[Hyderabadi]

Aaj Tak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar
station. Only one sardar left alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki
wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform
par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log
apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa
gayi.
Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.
Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ki iye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi
announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya.

[Hyderabadi]

Sardar reads a board, 'Likhnewala' brilliant, padhnewala 'idiot'
becomes angry rubs the board and writes
'padhnewala brilliant, likhnewala idiot'.

[Hyderabadi]

Santa happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Santa's turn came after many attempts by others. Santa gave a story, which was just one sentence and read: "Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked Santa whether it contained all the four ingredients! Santa replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh God: religion; my wife: sex; going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy);
"Okay...but where is the mystery?" asked one of the
organizers.
Santa replied, "Who is the father?

Santa was declared the winner for writing the shortest story!

[Hyderabadi]

TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.

ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.

BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.

MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.

RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.

GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.

MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can_t stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is a kamat restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.

BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.

MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.

GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.

KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.

SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.

SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around.

BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste category.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.

BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a bhelwala / panipuri wala.
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).

KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.

KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is an Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.

PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fistfight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.

PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC_s and MC_s.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.

[Akash]

4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:


Step 1: boil one cup of water 8)

Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the
boiled water and put the tastemaker. :)

Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield. :roll:

Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in
pavilion, your noodles r ready to Eat !! :lol:

Serve Hot! :twisted:

Dear Customers,
We have received many compliments after we shared our recipe of 4 easy steps to cook Maggie. However we have received a very important complaint which we need to share with you all.

One of our regular customers, Mrs. Radha Pai, from Meerut had written to us that she tried out the recipe to cook Maggie during the first ODI between India & Pak.

She says that she followed all the steps correctly and was eager to have her breakfast. But she found that the Maggie was hardly fully wet and hence was not properly cooked.

We thoroughly apologized to our customer on behalf of our captain who returned back to the pavilion even before the Maggie was properly soaked in water.

In this regard we request all our customers to take a precaution and to wait for the Maggie to be cooked until after the re-plays.

Remember, even if Ganguly is back well before 2 minutes, the replays would ensure your Maggie is rightly done.

The management once again apologizes for any uncooked Maggie's during the first ODI.

Regards,

Customer Care Centre
MAAGI FOOD PRODUCTS

[dev]

Akash...Konnutinga... :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Akash,
Cant help laughing :lol: even if Roshan comes after pelting us!! Our captain has 'proved' himself in the second ODI too.. :twisted:

[Badri]

Akash you devil!!!!! :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Hyderabadi]

Akash,
That was too good!!!

[Hyderabadi]

Medical Opinions


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that,"

The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think?"

Then one of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him, "So what do you have?"

And the old man said, "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."

[Hyderabadi]

Anything?


A student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances in both directions down the hall, then closes his door behind her and kneels down before him, pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean", she whispers, "I would do... Anything!"

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Yes,... anything", she says!

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything", she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you be willing to ... study?"

[Hyderabadi]

Three Soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.
One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we’d be able to see it land, if I threw the peel out?"
Out goes the peel and they all watch it but don’t see it land.
One of the others has a rock and says "This is bigger, we should be able to see it land."
They all watch, but don’t see it land. The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out of the door.
"We’ll see that when it hits."
They watch, but still nothing. Walking home they see a little girl crying and they ask, what’s wrong?
"Well I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."
The soldiers explain what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask what happened?
"I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."
They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade.
One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks what’s so funny?
The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!!"

[Akash]

L E M O N J U I C E
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartenderwould squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man. "I work as a project manager in a software company!"

[Querida]

:rotfl: ha ha! ha ha! Wait! i don't get it! :huh: :poke: @ Akash

Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

************************************************** **
Things people actually said in court II

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

************************************************** **

The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but all twelve of you?"

[Deep_Secrets]

Querida that was so funny :rotfl:

You repeated several of them two times.. :)

[Querida]

thanx gooshi for telling me
fixed it :D ...well hopefully :P

these two cracked me up the most:

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

:shock: :lol:

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

(oooooh ouch! :lol: )

[Deep_Secrets]

My favorites :D ...




Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q;She had three children right?
A:Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

[Querida]

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.

The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila.

The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle.

Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"

The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles AND we have too many f***ing NewYorkers."

[scorpio]

Querida,

Nice ones!! :P

[a.ratchasi]

Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!". The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[Hyderabadi]

village of India, one masterji is teaching the
Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji,
I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
'Ramu bete, whole indiadoes not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?'
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....

[Badri]

Excellent!!!!!! :lol: :lol:

[dev]

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!
It is up to us to give ourselves recognition. If we wait for it to come from others, we feel resentful when it doesn't, and when it does, we may well reject it.

[ts]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.......... "HEBREWS"

[ts]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, but I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes."
Because of the long hours," she continued, "meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker says, "... well, you started it."

[Querida]

:lol: TS that last joke was so cruel but funny!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

************************************************** **

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

"Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He responds, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The door man says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
************************************************** *

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"
************************************************** ***
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks
************************************************** ***
Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in your custard?
Then it must work
************************************************** **
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
************************************************** **
There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey Really Cute Princess!" She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"

It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog.

The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince.

Do you believe the story?

Well neither did her mother!

[ts]

Dont We love the Irish

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[ts]

This policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line

[ts]

A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Park, FL.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The old man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140.

We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare

[a.ratchasi]

Funny One Liners

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

A day without sunshine, is like, you know, night.

Tact is the ability to tell a person to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Some people type so fast that forget to include

Save the animals, eat a vegetarian.

[Querida]

A day without sunshine, is like, you know, night.

People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

Save the animals, eat a vegetarian.

:rotfl:

A pharmacist tells a customer. In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.

A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

************************************************** ***
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned."
************************************************** ***
Fun things to do on the elevator:
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[dev]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Querida]

If any good hubber friend is a lawyer please excuse it's just that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name :P

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing.
There are some things even a pig won't do!

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A judge.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

[dev]

Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead! :lol:

[tomato]

Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead! :lol:

What say badri, blahblah, shekar especially abt the last bit? :wink:

[Badri]

Ahem...I wouldn't go that far!

I have kinda got used to incarceration, jail term...I'd rather be alive in the marriage prison than be dead outside the marriage prison!! :lol:

[juliee roddick]

Do hi pal office mein,
Guzare hain khush haal,
Ik Boss ke aane se pehle,
Ik jaane ke baad


*Yoon-hi tum office mein aate ho,
Yaa koi kaam ka iraada hai ?
Fraud mere pehchaanta nahin,
Mera PL bhi kitna saadaa hai
Hum hain programmer bekaar ke,
Hum se kuchh na boliye,
Jo bhi project hame mile,
Bugs bhar ke code kiye


*Kar chale, imple-ment, ye function saathion,
Ab tumhaare hawaale, core dump saathion


*E mere programmer, kahin aur chal,
Bugs se ye product bhar gaya,
Crash dekh ke customer dar gayaa.


*Boss aaye hamaare cubicle mein,
Gazab ki timing hai,
Kabhi hum boss ko,
Kabhi comp pe chal rahe game ko dekhte hain



===============================================
Mortgage Rate Calculator (http://www.mortgagerate-calculator.com)Intresting Site!!!

[Shekhar]

..... & Married men wish they were Dead! :lol:

It should be

Married men wish they were ELSEWHERE!! :wink:

[ts]

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

[Deep_Secrets]

:shock:

[Deep_Secrets]

Humor: Property laws of a toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[Querida]

:lol: that was very cute Gooshi!

[dev]

:lol: :lol: :lol: ...That was a good done DS...

[Shekhar]

Humor: Property laws of a toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Aren't these property laws of GIRLS IN LOVE?!! :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

what shekhar?
Think that roasting is over? Think again buddy! What gooshi shall we restart shekhar roasting again? :wink:
BTW the joke u posted was hilarious :rotfl: :lol:

[Deep_Secrets]

Humor: Property laws of a toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Aren't these property laws of GIRLS IN LOVE?!! :lol: :lol:

Aaah Shekhar, ... :wink: ...I thought it was a good idea to change the title :lol: ...but with you around :roll: ....

Thanks everyone for liking it :) ...

JG it seems like that's what our 'gentleman' wants,... why not? :wink:...every post of his seems to says 'bring it on!!!' :poke: ...

[scorpio]

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

[dev]

:lol:

[Dalits]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'"

[a.ratchasi]

:lol:

[Surya]

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."

That part was just tooooo goood!!!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

[Deep_Secrets]

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says " Man, it's hot in here!" The other sausage shrieks "Oh my God! It's a TALKING sausage!"

Stupid but hilarious!!! :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton are travelling on a long ride to their hometown. They stop over at a gas station to fuel up. They fill up the gas and when they are about to leave, the guy at the gas station says a big hello to Hillary and waves her a goodbye.

Hillary : You know who he was. He was the guy who proposed me first at college.
Clinton : (proudly) Imagine , if only you had accepted his proposal....you would have been the wife of a gas station guy.
Hillary : No way, By now he would have been the president !!

[scorpio]

Whatever Roshan and other sympathizers may think, just couldn't resist the temptation to post this WORLD"S SHORTEST JOKE-
-
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-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
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GANGULY IS A BATSMAN

[Badri]

That was tempting....

In that case, how about: Ganguly is a captain...

No, wait wait, I have got it...Ganguly is a cricketeer!!! :lol:

[scorpio]

Badri,

Whatever you say, critics, experts and fans agree positively to a large extent about Ganguly's ability to lead. Only his form with the bat bothers everyone so much that the famous maggi noodles joke is being forwarded with so much frenzy and I've received it via mails and SMS atleast a dozen times :shock:

[Badri]

Ouch! Don't explain jokes, Akka! It hurts!!!!!! :lol:

[Shekhar]

I will give you another short joke.

Once Scorpio was thinking...

[Roshan]

I will give you another short joke.

Once Scorpio was thinking...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

I will give you another short joke.

Once Scorpio was thinking...

:twisted: :twisted: another Ganguly fan :?:

[Roshan]

Whatever Roshan and other sympathizers may think, just couldn't resist the temptation to post this WORLD"S SHORTEST


Wonder why you are so desperate quoting me all the time when you quote Ganguly. :? Anyways I'm glad that you are reminded of me when ever you think of Ganguly as much as I'm reminded of you when ever some one mentions Mandangi :lol:

What ever it is I really felt sorry for Ragul boy in the last two one dayers. When Afridi was smashing all over with sixers and fours they were focussing the cameras more on Ragul expecting that he may break down any moment.

Now please dont say he did his best with the bat.There's much more to do when leading a team. Ragul definitely lacks the ability of leading and for that matter I see no proper replacements to Saurov in any of those guys in the Indian team. That's experts' opinion too.

[Roshan]

:twisted: :twisted: another Ganguly fan :?:

No no he did try to match your 'short' joke and succeeded indeed :lol: :lol:

Please dont jump into conclusions as in the case of mine. You can never 'guess' my favourite player. 8)

[scorpio]

Roshan,

I thought I said the same about Ganguly's captaincy abilities when I replied to Badri's post! :?

If Ganguly and Mandangi help each of us to remember one another, why crib?? Isn't it a good thing to remember yr friends often? :wink:

[Shekhar]

I will give you another short joke.

Once Scorpio was thinking...

:twisted: :twisted: another Ganguly fan :?:

No another Scorpio Fan :) :lol:

[Roshan]

Roshan,

If Ganguly and Mandangi help each of us to remember one another, why crib?? Isn't it a good thing to remember yr friends often?


Yeah you are correct friend :wink:

Anyways .. I had to mention Ragul boy because I was reminded of the 'Hutch' ad, you 'gleefully' mentioned a couple of weeks ago :wink:

[Shekhar]

Scorpio,

I apologise for the joke I posted on you, which didn't go well with you. It was joke on Sardarjis which just twisted. It was intended as a joke and nothing more.

[Shekhar]

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

[sanjay]

The famous question... "Why did the chicken cross the road ?" when put before a few Indians .......... this is what they had to say.....

"Why did the chicken cross the road ?"

Azhar:-
"I am totally innocent, you know, I am unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know...."

Devegowda:-
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later !!.........mm.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Laloo:-
"The fact, that the chicken crossed the road, means that, there is one chicken missing from my poultry !!!"

George Fernandes:-
"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car leave alone a chicken !!!"

Mulayam:-
"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, ! so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"

Congress:-
"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign !!!"

BJP:-
"We are very sure of the fact that the chicken DID NOT cross the road. Its a conspiracy by the congress to bring the Government down. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"

Mamta:-
"Am I the chicken's Sister ??? #**@! You better go and ask the chicken itself !!"

Jyoti Basu:-
"Chicken ??!! Don't you dare call me a chicken ??? I just resigned because of health reasons..."

Harkishen Singh Surjeet:-
"We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back.."

Menaka Gandhi:-
"Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creature.Ban all vehicles from using that road. Protect our chickens..."

[scorpio]

- Best Seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavilion in 2 minutes

- Shoaib Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest.", he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way thru my run up."

- Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.

- Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken world records a few times in this series" , says the Indian dimunitive wicketkeeper.

- Q: Any Guesses which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A:Gone in 60 seconds.

- Railways keen on Ganguly: Atleast we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.

- Q: Which was the hottest place in B'lore Chinnaswami Stadium for the past few days?
A: The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the Pavilion.

- Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.

[sanjay]

News Update of the Hour
======================
* No bombings in Kashmir today

* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock

* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident

* Literacy soars up to 86% in India

* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning.

* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians

* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude

* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst

* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games

* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software

* Laloo to be made National Animal

* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence.

* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Pottasium Permanganate

* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526

* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires

* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail

[sanjay]

5 secrets to romantic happiness :

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

[sanjay]

Bill Gates picks his own punishment:

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Deep_Secrets]

Better English...Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.


I know this doesn't belong here. Don't you guys agree that some words have unnecessary alphabets and dumb spellings? Like why shouldn't it be Skool instead of School? Or Inglish instead
of English? :?

[Cinefan]

I don't know if these have been posted before but I think dear friend jai will find this useful&not just funny.



Subject: Something About Wives & Girl Friends









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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, |
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"There was |
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water in the carburetor." |
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| I asked her , "Where's the car?" |
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| She replied,"In the lake." |
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| -Henny Youngman |
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| -------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. |
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| -Henny Youngman |
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| ----------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You |
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| know, I |
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| was a fool when I married you." |
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| The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and |
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| didn't notice." |
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|------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| When a man steals your wife, there is no better |
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| revenge than |
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| to let him keep her. |
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| --------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't |
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| like to |
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| interrupt her. |
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| ---------------------------------------------------------- |
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| My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. |
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| So I |
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| got myself two girlfriends. |
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| --------------------------------------------------------- |
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| A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided |
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| not to |
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| report it since the thief was spending much less than |
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| his wife did. |
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| :wink:

[NM]

Didn't know where to post it..so here goes..fun to read/ sing but it's true..!! Perhaps Mdm Pava would care to read this......

Please sing along to the tune of My Favourite Things as you read it. You will enjoy it better that way.
To celebrate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience.

Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes, with repeated encores
:clap: :clap:

[Badri]

Good one!! I actually tried singing it to the tune..fits so perfectly, but of course!!


Perhaps Mdm Pava would care to read this......

NM, why this special note to Mdm Pava? :?

[NM]

NM, why this special note to Mdm Pava? :?

Yep..thambi..I did sing along too and it fit perfectly well....(but of course!!!)

Special note?? cause Mdm Pava is our "pavalam" of the hub....and I admire her ...great knowledge and stamina and thought of dedicating this to our dear madam......!! :lol: :lol:

[sanjay]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're from Birmingham, don't bother.

[sanjay]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas..

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.

The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.

Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.

This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[sanjay]

British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That`s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys
are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war."

[scorpio]

sanjay,

:lol: :lol:

The findings of Anderson Consulting for chicken crossing the road was too well written. Guess I can use those catchy phrases while writing proposals. :wink:

[Cinefan]

Excerpts from HER & HIS diaries

HER DIARY

He was unsually quiet today. So I asked him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he
simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant
and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes
later he came to bed.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I
started crying and cried until I fell asleep.
I do not know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match again. DAMM IT

[Badri]

sanjay,

:lol: :lol:

The findings of Anderson Consulting for chicken crossing the road was too well written. Guess I can use those catchy phrases while writing proposals. :wink:

What, you too???? I was thinking of saving that little bit and use it for proposals too!! :wink:

[pavalamani pragasam]

Thank you very much, NM, for dedicating that wonderful song, one of my evergreen favourites! Julie deserves fully the ovation she received! How apt! I shall remember the new version too, I will need it soon! :wink: The admiration you friends have for me tempts me to disclose many personal pages of my past history. When "The sound of music" was released I was doing my UG. We went crazy over it. In our college we have a choir of which I was a member. The sister( we had foreign nuns as staff) who conducted the classes made us rehearse all the songs of that film. On our College Day we sang "Edelweiss" with tremendous emotion. I get goose pimples even to think of it after so many decades. For English literature branch I got the first prize for general proficiency- the prize was 1. A complete work of Shakespeare, 2.The Trapp Family Singers! I treasure them to this day- some of my favourite things! :wink: And how apt comes NM's dedication of Maria's song to me! :D Once again thanx, friends!

[Badri]

To be absolutely honest, this was not a thread I had expected to see a post of Mrs PP! For a second, I was shocked...was Mrs PP posting a joke! :shock:

Then, after reading through, I was justified in my suspicions! She was merely recounting a well-spent youth, and giving an "acceptance speech" of the dedication! :D

Jus' playing the naughty boy, Mrs PP!!! Don't take it amiss.

[pavalamani pragasam]

Poor Obelix! Men never know what women are capable of! The surprises we can spring is the essence of a spicy life! :wink:

[ts]

News Update of the Hour
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games


Better....

* India wins Bronze in India versus Rest Of India Games ! ! !

[a.ratchasi]

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."

[scorpio]

a.r,

:lol: :lol:

[NM]

Thank you very much, NM, for dedicating that wonderful song, one of my evergreen favourites!

For English literature branch I got the first prize for general proficiency- the prize was 1. A complete work of Shakespeare, 2.The Trapp Family Singers! I treasure them to this day- some of my favourite things! :wink: And how apt comes NM's dedication of Maria's song to me! :D Once again thanx, friends!You're most welcome, Ma'am.. :wave: Glad to have a scholar..ooops...professor (as badri would put it) among us!! :thumbsup:

[NM]

Don't know if someone has already posted this....but it's a good read..!! :lol: :lol:

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away. Then...
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why doesn't it rain on you?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to
free u from darkness and if after you pray and you're
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

[NM]

[tscii:60a5f5f04c]A big boss took his HR manager and secretary out for lunch.
In an Arabian-style restaurant, waiting for foods ordered…
The HR manager rubbed the jar on lunch table killing the time.
Suddenly, a lot of smoke coming out with a Jinni giant, said ..
"I will give you 3 wishes, but as there are 3 of you, I will give one to each of you."

The fatigue HR Manager raised his hand and asked..
"Me first, me first. Let me have a peace time at Bali Island for 2 weeks."
Suddenly, he disappeared.

The secretary quickly asked next…
"I want to be a jet-set and the richest lady in the world."
Then, she disappeared from the boss's sight.

The workaholic boss thought a bit , and asked..
" Now it's my turn… I wish those two guys back to work at 1 pm. sharp !!"


The learning from this tale … "Better let your boss say first."[/tscii:60a5f5f04c]

[Surya]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: Hilarious!!!

Programmers! Please do not come after me for the following! :lol:

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
================================================
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
===========================================
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
============================================
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
It's :banghead: I know. :lol2:

-----------------------------------------------------------------
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

[scorpio]

cinefan,

unga His and her diary joke-a ippothaan padichen :lol: :lol: ThankGod, my better half follows Badri's principle with regard to Cricket.

[Badri]

Enna eppadiyaavathu izhukkaama, Akkaku thookam varaathey!!!

Tr: Without somehow involving me, Sister Scorpio won't get sleep!

[scorpio]

Punjab Airways


Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain 'James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize
for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some
overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba.

This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing
directly on your village.

Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our
passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't
quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisiteexperience for
consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court
settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits.

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help
you quickly find out whether God really exists. ( What a relief for Rohit and Pradheep :lol: )

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown
as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying
right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right
side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your
viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also
put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights
over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who
can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for
your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there,
please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.

I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time.
For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.

Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.

[NM]

scorpio.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[sanjay]

Ben and Jill had been happily married for 50 years, their secret to a happy marriage was a drawer where whatever they kept in the drawer was not ever seen by the other....well on their 51st anniversary...Ben thought heck it's been so many years it's now or never to see what's in that drawer of hers...so while his wife was out shopping he peeked in the drawer. What he saw was a single egg and $5000.

He thought to himself oh what have i done, i should be ashamed of myself...i will tell her what i did when she comes back.

Later in the day, Ben finally worked up the courage to tell his wife what he did.

-Jill im so sorry but i looked in your secret drawer, can you ever forgive me?
-Ben what you did was wrong but it's ok.
-Well then Jill can you tell me why you keep an egg in your drawer
-Well Ben i promised myself when we got married that if I ever cheated on you i would place an egg in the drawer, to remind me always of my infidelity.
-So in all the years we've been married you have only cheated on me once! Oh i am so lucky to have such a wife as dedicated as you!
-that is so very good of you Ben
-hey just wondering how long did it take you to save up $5000?
-Well Ben that's from all the eggs I sold....

[sanjay]

Things We Learned From Indian Movies

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

[sanjay]

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (chand ka tukda),

You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner, but i think you are worried about your father who is a KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( the unshakable) and my fahter who is a CEAT (born tough), but don't worry, as i am also a FORD IKON (the josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (lets make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) and i believe COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye). Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other, and do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). Expecting your reply.

I could write only a little today, but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more!).

LG (digitally yours),

XYZ.

[sanjay]

The story goes that when Bill Gates was in India, he saw the common people facing problems related to Windows terminology. He announced that Microsoft had plans to release a Windows 2005 version in Hindi.

Here are some Windows related terms that will be used in the Hindi version of Khirkiyan 2005.

Phaail - File
Bachao - Save
Aise bachao - Save as
Subko bachao - Save All
Mujhe bachao - Help
Chuno - Select
Sab chuno - Select All
Dhoondo - Find
Hilao - Move
Dakiya - Mailer
Paas se dhekho - Zoom
Door se dhekho - Zoom Out
Kholo - Open
Band karo - Close
Naya - New
Badli karo - Replace
Bhaago - Run
Chaapo - Print
Dekh ke chaapo - Print Preview
Kaapi - Copy
Kaato - Cut
Chipkao - Paste
Ispesal chipkao - Paste Special
Goli maaro - Delete
Nazaara - View
Auzaar - Tools
Auzaar ka dabba - Toolbar
Khuli chaadar - Spreadsheet
Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
Ghusao - Insert
Ped - Tree
Thooso - Compress
Chooha - Mouse
Tik-tik karo - Click
Idhar-se-udhar, udhar-se-idhar - Scrollbar
Chal phoot - Exit.

[sanjay]

Bushism: You have two cows. You invade Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran for more cows.

Blairism: You have no cows but support America in the war. You clean up the mess and cow dung but the Americans get all the cows.

Congressism: You have totally 220 white cows. Some minority red cows from other farms give you milk and dictate terms as to who you sell all your milk to.

Lalooism: You have a few cows. You buy them fodder on government money and the scam trial runs for ever. The cows are armed and dangerous. You enjoy their milk.

Jayaism: You have some cows. They prostrate before you every day (they can do this as none have a backbone). You milk the people and give it to your cows to drink.

BJPism: You had some cows. You either burnt them or "demolished" them and they are gone now. You keep saying that you still have them but no one believes in you.

[NM]

Things We Learned From Indian Movies

Sanjay..........very true.... :rotfl: :rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

Things We Learned From Indian Movies

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

Err, this happens in real life too! :wink:

[scorpio]

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Sanjay,

You are lucky that the hub has far too few Vijaykanth fans! :lol:

a.r.
anubhavam pesugiratha?? :wink:

[Badri]

Ah!!! Does experience speak, AR??? :wink: :wink:

How about:


a) If you want to become invincible in a fight, wait till the opponent draws first blood. Then, wipe the blood with your hand, stare at your blood stained hand for a second, and direct your vision towards the opponent. You are now guaranteed to win.

b) To make the girl you love fall in love with you, (depsite the fact that she hates you and everything you stand for) sing a song while following her about. If possible, try to dance on top of a car. You can even tease her with your song. No, she is not likely to hate you for that. She'll fall madly in love with you for insulting her in front of everyone.

c) If you are looking for the baddies, you have to walk through a synthetic tunnel with flashy lights. It always opens up into a room where a few baddies are playing cards, with the boss sitting at a table again with flashing lights, and an anorexic female in a skimpy red skirt.

[a.ratchasi]

:)

[scorpio]

badri,

ivvlothana, illai innum irukka??

[scorpio]

a.r,
intha punnagai enna vilai
un idhayam sollum vilai - nnu yarachum paaditangala??

[Badri]

ippothaikku avvalavuthaan...inime thonichina, post panren! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

Pongge scorpio, velai parpatherke time pathillai!!
Ithulai idayathekku vilai pesanumma? :lol: :lol:

[Badri]

AR in sirippal pala pala arthangal...athil onRu mattum clear...

"Yes, Experience Speaks!" enbathe athu!

Illaya, AR? :wink:

[a.ratchasi]

Badri!Badri!

Friday athumma ippadi corner panrigelle!

[Badri]

AR paavam...namakkellam ithukkum mela hints kudakka mudiyathungara alavukku kuduthutaanga...

AR, enjoy your weekend pa!

[scorpio]

enna panrathu a.r, DS tata sollitaanga, inime kaala vara vera aal ilainnu ungala konjam otitom, mannichukonga! :wink:

[jaiganes]

a.Ratchasi!
who is the ratchasan?
:rotfl: :lol:
NM kitte kaettu blonkomania package 2005 - software vaangikkanga.
(eng: translation: buy "Blonkomania-2005" software from NM akka):wink:
:lol:
you will need it more now...
and experience speaks :wink:

[scorpio]

a.Ratchasi!
who is the ratchasan?
:rotfl: :lol:
:wink:

JG,
I'm sure, a.r -oda first blonk unakkuthan!

[NM]

Thambi ganeshu...enna-pa.....rombe tulli tulli vileiyaadurinnge??
Naan rombe "quiet-ta" irrukkenaa??

AR...yen AR neengge anthe oru variyei sonneengge??
Thambingge ellam kilembittaangge.....

[Badri]

NM, AR a onnum sollaatheenga...

Friday maalai pozhuthu...paavam oru emotionla, namma Hub thaane, namma Hubbers thaane nnu sollitaanga!

Neenga kavalai padaatheenga AR! Intha chinna pasanga sollrathellam kekkatheenga! :D

[a.ratchasi]

Aama, Badri & NM, konjum unarchi vasepatthu solliten!
I guess there is no return now! :lol:

Scorpio, namakulle etharke sorry. Illam oru fun ke taane!
DS or JG, namma otrathu otrathutan!
:lol:

Naan blonkmania vaangerathu irukattum, ungal azhagiye she prarie ke naan atheitaan kalyaane parisage kudeke pogiren!

Avange than usageje maximise panuvanngene thonathu! :lol:
:lol:

How is it, scorpio & NM?

[NM]

Naan blonkmania vaangerathu irukattum, ungal azhagiye she prarie ke naan atheitaan kalyaane parisage kudeke pogiren!

Avange than usageje maximise panuvanngene thonathu! :lol:
:lol:
How is it, scorpio & NM?

Aha...aha......enna iniye vaartheigel, AR....! Athe muthal seiyunnge!! Ennudiye 100% support irrukku...! Aanal...ithu oru "wedding- present" thaane?? Athukku, naan pattheridem 916 thanggethil seiye solren...eppedi, OK-va ??

[scorpio]

a.r,

unga blonkomania present-aa enakku courier pannidunga. Naan Chennai-la thaane irukken, unga saarba marakkama Jun 17 th anikku Mrs.JG kitta special-a koduthudaren! :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

ok, set!

Ithu ungalakku thevaiya, JG?
:lol2:

[sanjay]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"