A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[Querida]

Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! :evil: Traitor!
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label... :(

[Querida]

I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke! :P

[Mad Max]

Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! :evil: Traitor!
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label... :(

I was just kidding Q!

Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here! :mrgreen:

PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey? :)

[Shekhar]

I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke! :P

Sorry.. Didn't know it was posted earlier. Somehow I had missed it :oops:

[Akash]

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA!

That's y we guys planned to hit F1... :)

[scorpio]

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

[NOV]

What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title)


Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week


What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[scorpio]

NOV,

" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "

The title is more humourous than the joke.

But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber :lol:

[NOV]

NOV,

" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "
The title is more humourous than the joke.

But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber :lol:

The reason I put in that qualifier was becos I didn't want yet another post from mandangi, saying that he cannot agree with the conclusions reached.

Now there is no ambiguity. :)

[Akash]

NOV, i remember reading the Original versions, those are much more funnier....
Still, Your revised version retains the same fun :)

[NM]

Don't remember posting this here...anyway, if its a repeat, sorry...getting old! :oops:

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Air Italy," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Air Italy?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Air Italy's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they upgraded us to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
:wink: :wink:

[scorpio]

NM,

:lol: :lol:

[NM]

NM,

:lol: :lol:scorpio....won't you agree yr signature should aptly go to mandangi?? :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

NM,

:rotfl:

[NM]

Politically correct men

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.

You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged. :lol: :lol:

[NM]

Fresh Air

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
:lol:

[scorpio]

NM,

Still laughing at yr 'Politically correct men' joke.

:lol:

[NOV]

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.


MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sea sick.


WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear n comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears n comes out of the mouth.


MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


Girlfriend : "...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".


Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".


Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".


Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"


Teacher: How old is your father?
Pupil: My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.


Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".


Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey n stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".


Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".


Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".


Teacher:" Can anybody give n example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."


Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand?"

[NOV]

PREGNANCY Q & A!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[NOV]

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice. (ahem NM!)

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[NOV]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[Querida]

[quote]I was just kidding Q!

Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here! :mrgreen:

PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey? :)

Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >> :mrgreen: <<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like :evil:

[a.ratchasi]

Why are married women heavier than single women?

hmmmm?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Oh yeah... :lol: :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?

A rumour

[Querida]

NOV-san im sorry i don't know where you got those jokes....but well WHO are these women? :shock: that made no sense to me... funny you seem more honest when posting about men...cause i can agree to all those truths..i mean jokes... :P :rotfl:

What men really are saying:
"I had a wonderful time last night." ==> "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." ==> "You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk."
"I'll give you a call." ==> "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild
dogs than see you again."
"I'm a Romantic." ==> "I'm poor."
"I think we should just be friends." ==> "You're ugly."
"I have something to tell you." ==> "Get tested."
You're the only girl I've ever cared about==> You are the only girl who
hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together ==> If it was not for you, I never
would have lost my virginity.
"I've learned a lot from you." ==> "Next!!!!"
"I want you back" ==> ...for tonight anyway.
"I am different from all the other guys" ==> I am not circumsized.
"I miss you so much" ==> I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look
good.
"Want to snuggle?" ==> I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" ==> I've done something stupid and you might find out.
"Do you *really* love me? ==> I've done something stupid and you're going
to find out sooner or later.
"How much do you love me?" ==>I've done something *really* stupid and
someone's on their way to tell you now.
"I don't know if I like her" ====> She won't sleep with me.
"I really want to get to know you better." ====> So I can tell my friends
about it.
"The car isn't running right." ===>I want a bigger engine and more knobs to
play with.
"My tools are obsolete." ==> I can't figure out how to work the old ones
and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
"I know where I am." ==> Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
"I need new shoes ==> The pair that I've had since high school fell apart
in the rain.
"The remote is broken." ==> Come here wherever you are and change the
channel for me.
"I'm hungry." ====> Make me something to eat
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." ==> I can't see the tv from here.
"The dishwasher is full." ==> I've run out of places to hide the dirty
dishes.
"It's your decision." ==> I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just
take half the credit.
"We need to talk." ==> I need to complain.
"Sure,... go ahead." ==> I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next
time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
"You're,... so feminine." (Actually a Question) ==> Do you do laundry...cook...windows...bake?
"Let's be romantic... turn out the lights." ==> Beer gut? What beer
gut?
"You want..." ==> I know what you should want.
"We need..." ==> I want.
"Do what you want and sulk." ==> I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. ==> There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! ==> I'm losing my hair.

[Querida]

If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

Equality is a myth - woman are better!

All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think! :P

The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain? A: A widower!

[Querida]

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out
of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's
dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding
your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with
my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are
out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk
now."

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new
one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

[scorpio]

Querida,

:rotfl:

Now, I think NOV will jump back to form again! :wink:

[NOV]

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[NOV]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[NOV]

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "What the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

[NOV]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared her. They believed she practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.

Her husband placed a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The old man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down......."

[Shakthiprabha.]

//Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.//////

//If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

//

//What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk//

//"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white." //

//The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"//

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Cindy]

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means
15 days. days left 81.

7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.

How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!

Balance = 0

"How can a student pass ??"

[Shakthiprabha.]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."
_________________________________

[Shakthiprabha.]

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."


************************************************** ************

[Shakthiprabha.]

Hope Adults jokes are taken in stride...Sorry if found indecent
...if given a clue..would nto be repeated...thx
__________________________________________________ ______________

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his p****s into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.


"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
p****s into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

----------------------------

[Shakthiprabha.]

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

God said "an arm and a leg."

Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???"

The rest is history.

-----------------------

[Shakthiprabha.]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when
I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to
Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least
five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have ! a p****s!"

[Shakthiprabha.]

1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c.Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.

2) Three fastest means of communication -
Telephone - Television - Tell-a-woman

3) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

[Mad Max]

[quote]I was just kidding Q!

Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here! :mrgreen:

PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey? :)[/tscii:49376870cd]

Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >> :mrgreen: <<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like :evil:

Mr. Daffy Green has taken a hike for a short while but will make a special appearance for my friend Q. :mrgreen:

Now I am Der Würger aller Bettlerin Archlöcher, but daffy will be back soon! :mrgreen:

[Querida]

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

[Querida]

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom mind you): Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sunsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a bathtub in a hotel in San Franscico: Warning: Do not leave faucet running. Tub may overflow.

On dedorant: Warnings: For external use only.

In a manual for an Air Filter that's box says "Never needs filter replacements!": Replace the filter every 2-3 months.

On a saw: Do not put hand under moving saw.

At a ride at an amusement park: This ride may cause motion sickness.

In most error messages you get on a computer: Press 'any' key to continue.

On some electronic devices: Do not operate underwater.

On a hot water heater: Hot water can cause burns.

On an uninstalled outlet: Warning may cause electric shock. Do not stick fingers into open wires.

On a lawn mower: Do not leave child unattended while mowing your lawn.

On a grill used for cooking: Warning. Grill will overheat and cause burns.

On a bottle of lighter fluid: Danger: Flammable
--------------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself

In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. This door is kept locked because of the draft. (Please use side door.)

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

At a motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

In a health-food shop window: Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

In a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below

[scorpio]

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

Idiots Buy Me

Idiots Building Machines

I'll Buy Macintoshes

It Bit Me

It Built Microsoft

It's Better Manually

I've Been Mislead

I've Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

When I Need Data Output Without Speed

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP

Worm Infestation Netware

MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology

Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

Different Operating Systems Expectations:

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC: Dump Everything and Close

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

HP: Hot Pursuit

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MAC: Most Absurd Computer

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

DOS: Defective Operating System

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

SCSI: System Can't See It

WWW: World Wide Wait

[NOV]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang, "Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."

so, what were you expecting huh?

[Shekhar]

The great Indian English!!

1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :

" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."

2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :

" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."


3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :

" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."


4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:

" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."


5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :

"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."


6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".


7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :

" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave."

[Querida]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the
confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned my thighs, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Oh, these women drivers!!!

[Querida]

here's my little contribution on behalf of our misunderstood Canadians eh? :mrgreen:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and
watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come
naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo
races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. )(USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

>Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
>A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Surya]

Q! NICE! :lol: :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

Men & Women in the Business World

a successful man is aggressive
a successful woman is pushy

he's good on details
she's picky

he loses his temper because he's so involved with his job
she's bitchy

when he's depressed (or hangover) everyone tiptoes past his office
she's moody, so it must be her "Time of the month"

he follows through
she doesn't know when to quit

he stands firm
she's hard

he drinks because of the excessive job pressure
she's a lush

he isn't afraid to say what he thinks
she's mouthy

he exercises authority diligently
she's power-crazy

he's close-mouthed
she's secretive

he climbed the ladder of success
she slept her way to the top

he's a stern taskmaster
she's hard to work for

[a.ratchasi]

A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't think so!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Ha!!!
Ratchasi is back in business!!
Poor little frog! I hope it wasn't NOV!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

JG,

You seem to have mastered the knack of inviting yr own BLONKS!! :lol:

[jaiganes]

what to do ?
I suffer from OCMC syndrome!!
Obsessive Compulsive Male Chauvinism!!! :lol: 8)

[NOV]

No Jaiganesh, you got me wrong; I'm a good sport (I hope!).

Good one AR. had me :rotfl:

Here's one for you....


A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He sat down next to a priest. He opened his newspaper and started reading; a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong-how long have you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".

[a.ratchasi]

JG, I can always change the frog to a prarie. :twisted:

Are you still suffering from OCMC?:)

NOV, that was :lol: :lol: a good one!

[jaiganes]

ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!! :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :poke:

[a.ratchasi]

JG, I am afraid I have to break the news to you.
You poor boy/prarie.

As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish! :lol:

[jaiganes]

Ratchasi wrote:


As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish!
There are other praries that do not have OCMC!! I was referring to them!!! :wink:
In fact it would have been the princess who would have been begging the prarie to marry her! and hardly the other way round!! :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Some tid bits for men who are contemplating marriage....

~~~~~

Happiness

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~~~

Longevity

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

~~~~~

Memory

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

~~~~~

Propensity To Change

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

~~~~~

Discussion Technique

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

~~~~~

Comprehension

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

~~~~~

[Cinefan]

Jai,I will take this home to my wife without changing a word. :wink:

later on you can meet her with this joke :!: (fact pa :D ) as your introduction :lol:

[jaiganes]

Cinefan ji wrote:


later on you can meet her with this joke (fact pa ) as your introduction

And All along i was under the impression that you are my friend!!! blonks on the net hurts . never kills, real time blonks can be quite dangerous!!!!

[Cinefan]

Why this sudden 'Ji',I am not Ajit yaar,I am ....(you know) :D .Anyways just joking.I will continue to remain your friend(hand on heart).

[NM]

ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!! :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :poke:
Oh! Dear! Jai, really sorry abt the blonks!!! :lol: :lol: Didn't know it hurt you so bad :rotfl: But guess it's worth it for you to remember for ever....... :wink: :wink:& legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen... :lol: :lol:

By the way, A.R ...love your post!!Just had time to read it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Wonder who's the frog, then :?: :wink: :wink:

[jaiganes]

NM wrote :


legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen...


Yeah! She is the right person for that job now that she is trained by Thamizh naattu poleees!!! :twisted: :twisted: :wink: :banghead:

[Querida]

seeing how recently hubbers are interested in boss bashing or how to get to their boss-bashing centre i thought i'd post some job-related jokes :D

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

[Querida]

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

[Querida]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Querida]

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

[Querida]

hope no one thinks i'm posting too many...just wanted to share the laughter :)

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

[jaiganes]

Very clever indeed querida!
You diverted the thread and saved me from blonks!!
Thanks very much . You are a life saver!!!
Long live querida!!!
:D :D

[scorpio]

Querida,

:lol: :lol:

[Cindy]

The great Indian English!!

1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :

" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."

2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :

" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."


3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :

" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."


4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:

" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."


5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :

"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."


6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".


7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :

" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave."

Yea.. i have this in my collection... and 3 more...

8. A covering note
"I am enclosed herewith..."

9. A leave application again

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".

10. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

[blahblah]

A female teacher shouting at a college boy,"Yesterday you lied with me,today you are going to lie with me? :wink:

[NOV]

A Guru was travelling with his sishya (disciple) in a bullock-cart. He needed to rest, so he instructed his disciple to watch the things in the cart and see if anything fell out, and went to sleep. After some time, the road became bumpy and some items fell off. The disciple obeying his guru's instructions, 'watched' what fell out by staring at them until they were out of sight!

When the Guru woke up, he saw the pale face of the disciple. The
Guru asked what had happened. The disciple faithfully related the incident. The Guru patiently explained to the sishya that if anything fell out of the cart, he must stop, pick it up and throw it back in the cart!

The Guru went to sleep again. Shortly afterwards one of the bulls relieved itself. The disciple, executing his guru's words to the letter, collected the dung and threw it in the cart. It landed on the Guru's face, who woke up and realising his disciple's foolishness, became angry. He decided to write down on a paper all the things that were to be collected if they fell off.

The journey continued. After sometime on a sharp bend, the guru himself was thrown out of the cart. The disciple got alarmed. He didn't know what to do.. He checked the list, and not finding the Guru's name on it.he left him lying down and proceeded on the journey.

[NOV]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call on an emergency delivery.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again."

[NOV]

Caution: A little disgusting! :)


Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

[jaiganes]

:lol: :lol: Aiyo NOV at the end of the joke I had to run to the rest room to 'cluck' HAHAHAHAHAAA :rotfl:

[jaiganes]

some political jokes.....

Pearly Gates
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore perish in an airplane crash, and arrive in heaven to find God on his throne. When God asks Gore what he believes in, Gore answers,"well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil, and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole Earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God says, "OK, come and sit at my left".

Then God asks Clinton what he believes in. "Well", says Clinton, "I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should be able to tell someone else what to do". God nods and says ,"come and sit at my right".

Then He asks, "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" "I believe," says Gates, "you're in My chair".

[jaiganes]

18+ Proceed with caution ......
:D
Man on The Moon
Ed: Can this be true or is it an Urban Myth?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[jaiganes]

Back to normal joke mode

Electric Chair
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.

Under this particular State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work."

[jaiganes]

Different types of government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

[ts]

Jaiganes:

With your permission... would like to add these to the list :-)

Bushism: You have two cows. You invade Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran for more cows.

Blairism: You have no cows but support America in the war. You clean up the mess and cow dung but the Americans get all the cows.

Congressism: You have totally 220 white cows. Some minority red cows from other farms give you milk and dictate terms as to who you sell all your milk to.

Lalooism: You have a few cows. You buy them fodder on government money and the scam trial runs for ever. The cows are armed and dangerous. You enjoy their milk.

Jayaism: You have some cows. They prostrate before you every day (they can do this as none have a backbone). You milk the people and give it to your cows to drink.

BJPism: You had some cows. You either burnt them or "demolished" them and they are gone now. You keep saying that you still have them but no one believes in you.

[jaiganes]

:lol ts the congressism, lalooism and BJP ism were hilarious.
the best one of the lot was blairism!!! :lol:

[Querida]

Long live querida!!!
:D :D

Your welcome :D ahem don't know about long live...cause i don't even know if i would like to live thaaaat long...enough to be incapable of taking care of myself... :?

on the same topic:
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[Cygnus]

Holy cow jaiganesh and ts!

:rotfl:

[Querida]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

[jaiganes]

Q!
the pine tree joke was hilarious! It showed the immaturity of youth.
The second joke was something I couldn't laugh about. I remembered my late grandmother.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
This was sadly so true...

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[jaiganes]

good for you kukubird!
But you post it in a different thread, coz for anything posted here our standard response is .... :lol: :rotfl:
Dont mistake me....

[Akash]

gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. :shock: we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious. :shock: Think, Kukubird wud have thought its a GOOD JOKE :roll:

[Shakthiprabha.]

//gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious. //

kukubird ....why did u ever think of writing this here!!!

BEATS ME!!

May be just she was too confused to see SOME FACTS

[scorpio]

Not sure if this is the right thread but still jokes need not be only for laughter, it can make us think too...

For eligible bachelors like JG, Sandeep, Akash et al working in IT, this is a must read!

A Story about Onsite...s!

One fine day, Vivek's PL Bhatia asks him whether he has any time for a small meeting. Vivek obviously has time and so the two go to a conference room. Bhatia then clears his throat and says "Vivek, there is an on-site requirement. It is in Covina, Los Angeles. It is for six months. I can suggest your name. Do you have any problems?"

Vivek cannot believe his ears. Of course why should any one have
problems going to the Sam land. "Of course no Bhatia.. I have no
problems." he says. Bhatia looks at him very kindly and says "You
better draw up your personal plans with your wife and let me know in a day or two" That's when Vivek remembers that he has a wife.

Then it strikes him that there is a himalayan problem in front of him. Shobana is working in Wipro. She is in the middle of a project in which she is a moduleleader. She cannot leave it all and come to Covina with Vivek. On the otherhand it will be cruel on Vivek's part to leave her here and go to Covina for more than half a year. Moreover, they have just been married. Vivek can stay back. But one day he has to go.. He cannot stay back in India indefinitely. Project requirements are too demanding. Shobana can resign Wipro and accompany Vivek. But what is the guarantee that she would find such a nice job in such a nice company after they come back from Covina?


So Shobana and Vivek discuss this issue. They reluctantly agree to get separated for six months. Vivek hugs Shobana in the airport and says "I will be BACK" in a typical Arnold Scharzegger tone and then boards Delta Airways leaving Shobana in tears.

In Covina Vivek gets lots of work and his stay gets extended by two more months. The days and months move very slowly. Vivek starts counting even minutes. During this period, Shobana's PL Ashish Mehta calls her one day and asks her whether she has any time for a small meeting. Shobana wonders what that meeting is.. They go to the conference room and Mehta tells her about a great on-site requirement in Berlin, Germany for their customer. "It is for six months and you are most suited person for this. I am going to suggest your name. Do you have any problems?" Mehta asks her. Shobana gets excited.. Berlin! She has never been out
of India. So she instantly nods her head. Mehta then smiles and says "Okay discuss with your hubby and let me know in a day or two"


That's when Shobana gets the gravity of the situation. It will be two months before Vivek can come home..... By the time Shobana will have left to Berlin for six months. Shobana cannot decline this as this is an important assignment. That night Vivek spends hundred dollars on telephone to discuss this matter with Shobana. Finally they decide to go ahead. Shobana breaks down in the phone and Vivek breaks down thinking about his phone bill. And then Shobana leaves to Berlin.


One month after that,Vivek comes back to India. Then Shobana calls him almost everyday and they discuss about all petty things on the phone. Shobana applies for a loan to clear her telephone bills.


Vivek gets into a new project which is not yet started. His PL Prateek Ray calls him one day and says that he has to go to Toledo Ohio for the requirement analysis of that project. Vivek frantically says no. Shobana is arriving next month. He doesn't want to miss her. But Ray assures him that the work is only for one month and that he would be back before Shobana comes to India. Thus Vivek flies to Toledo Ohio and gets into the requirement analysis of the new project. That's when he comes to know how difficult it is to retrieve information from the users. You can design a system the user wants only when the user knows what he wants. Vivek gets baffled by the questions his users put.. "Do you think I need those fields "GMG_TYPE_HJHJ_TW" and "Auto_level_ind"? What are they by the way?" The requirements analysis stage continues for three full months at this pace. Shobana comes to India one month after
that. And she tells her PL that she doesn't want anymore on-site
assignments. "I understand" says Mehta and she desperately waits for Vivek to come back to India. It has already been two months over a year since they last met.


Vivek then gets the role of an on-site co-ordinator for this customer. He calls Shobana that night and they really don't know what to do.Shobana offers to resign her job and join him in Toledo. But she is getting 21 grand per month in India and Vivek doesn't want to lose that. "Two more months Shobana and I promise I will be back" Shobana retorts back, "There is no solution for this problem." Vivek gets surprised. "What are you talking about?" he asks her. Shobana fights back her tears. "As long as I am in Wipro I will be getting a lot of on-site opportunities. Even if I decline all of them, what about you? You also work for a software company and there you need to go abroad almost once every quarter. I cannot accompany you as you don't want me to resign my job here. Does that mean we have to stay like this forever? Vivek! I love you and I don't know how I spent fifteen months without even seeing you once. I may not recognize you also if you come in front of me now... Tell me Vivek, is there a solution for this problem?"


Vivek doesn't speak anything for a moment. He then realizes the truth in her sentences. It is a neverending problem. But what about the 20 grand she is getting per month?"Vivek, is money everything? Can't we comfortably live with what you are getting? Please Vivek, try to understand the situation" Shobana breaks
down. Vivek is still undecided. He married a software engineer with a hope that with two incomes he would have a good deal of money to plan their future.


"Let us face the reality, Vivek" Shobana says, "How much are you paying for the phone calls now? More than 20 grand per month. If I am with you there will your phone bill be so astronomical? Just tell me one thing. Won't you be happy having me there with you?" Shobana slowly turns hysterical.


Vivek gets into the crux of the situation. It is true. He has been
spending around 600 to 700 dollars per month on India calls... that is far more than what Shobana is getting then. He thinks and thinks.. for two days he does nothing else but thinking. Finally he decides that he should have Shobana with him all the time from then onwards at any cost. Shobana gladly prepares the resignation letter and submits it. Her PL smiles and says "You've made the right decision Shobana..

Congratulations for the bold step. I understand your problems. Anyway!you have a three months notice period here, right? We have a one month assignment in Singapore..."

[jaiganes]

Moral of the story !
1. Never crib over the phone when you can send a card over email!
2. Never marry a software engineer from Wipro
3. Even if you marry, make her resign.
4. Never accept requirement analysis as a task.
5. If you don't agree, better don't get married and enjoy a happy life.
It is tying the knot. yes the difference is it is tied around your neck dude!!

scorpio akka !! enna idhu?
viveknu aarambicheengala edho nalla comedyaa irukkumnu paarthaaa.....
Irundhaalum ....

My standard response .... :P :lol: :lol: :lol:
ensoy ..

[scorpio]

Enpa JG, warn pannittu thaane post pannen?

Last line padichu soga sirippu sirikarathu thaane??

Ennathu akkava ? okay-da thamby!

[Cindy]

The story goes that when Bill Gates was in India, he saw the common
people facing problems related to Windows terminology. He announced
that Microsoft had plans to release a Windows 2005 version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that will be used in the Hindi
version of Khirkiyan 2005.

Phaail - File
Bachao - Save
Aise bachao - Save as
Subko bachao - Save All
Mujhe bachao - Help
Chuno - Select
Sab chuno - Select All
Dhoondo - Find
Hilao - Move
Dakiya - Mailer
Paas se dhekho - Zoom
Door se dhekho - Zoom Out
Kholo - Open
Band karo - Close
Naya - New
Badli karo - Replace
Bhaago - Run
Chaapo - Print
Dekh ke chaapo - Print Preview
Kaapi - Copy
Kaato - Cut
Chipkao - Paste
Ispesal chipkao - Paste Special
Goli maaro - Delete
Nazaara - View
Auzaar - Tools
Auzaar ka dabba - Toolbar
Khuli chaadar - Spreadsheet
Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
Ghusao - Insert
Ped - Tree
Thooso - Compress
Chooha - Mouse
Tik-tik karo - Click
Idhar-se-udhar, udhar-se-idhar - Scrollbar
Chal phoot - Exit.

[scorpio]

Cindy,

:lol:

especially- Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
:lol:

[Shekhar]

Kukubird,
You are in Bengal. And I think it is still in India. For Heaven's sake, you should know spelling of Mahatma Gandhi.
May be you also think Sonia Gandhi is his daughter. :( :(

[Shekhar]

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not
looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

[scorpio]

Funny quotes:

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

[jaiganes]

Scorpio!!
:lol: :lol:
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka?

[ts]

Scorpio!!
:lol: :lol:
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka?

I would use the term "Sodium Vapour Lamps" :rotfl:

[Querida]

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

:shock: who told you to write about me? :P

[NM]

<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[jaiganes]

I've changed my will three times!

Serious FUN!!!!!
lol :lol: good one NM!

[NM]

I've changed my will three times!

Serious FUN!!!!!
lol :lol: good one NM!Yeah, wasn't it!! :lol: :lol: That's the trick!!! :lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - cognac in one hand - cigar in the other - and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

[jaiganes]

Shekhar!!!
:lol:

I agreee!
BTW there are some female Dr.Lecters who are preparing a recipe based on you. better be careful my friend! 8)

[Akash]

A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."

The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".

The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".

The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell."

[a.ratchasi]

Shekhar, :lol: :lol: :lol: !

[scorpio]

Akash,

Enna sontha kathai soga kathai-ya??

Anyway, one more on software,

There was a lemon squeezing competition. All heavy-weights and wrestlers participated. The competition was to squeeze out one drop of juice from a completely squeezed out lemon. All heavy weights and wrestlers tried but failed even to extarct a single drop of juice. There came a man, well dressed and who looked like a rat near an elephant compared to those muscle-men. He walked on stage, took the lemon and squeezed it without effort. Wow, not one, but many drops of juice came out.

The audience were surprised. The judge asked him what was his profession. He said calmly with a smile,


I am a PROJECT MANAGER!

[jaiganes]

My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.

That guy must have been from Infosys. :lol:

[Akash]

RUN movie song....
Theradi vediyil Devadai vanthaal.......
Think IT guys will like it.....


nadurathiriyil enthiruchi office pona

HCLnu therinjuko

Vidiye kalaiyil veetuku vanthal

CTSnu therinjuko

Pale mail panniyum reply pannalya

TCSnu therinjiko

Ambathu mailuku oru reply adicha

Accenturenu therinjuko

Velai kidachum vettiya ukkantha

Mascon'nu therinjuko

Daily thanni adichu velaiku pona

Hexawarenu therinjuko

> Innavum solren therinjiko Decode panni purinjiko Vaada machchan

> Programmer aaite tan-ta tan-taen Paithiyam pudichi munnuku vanthutte

> tan-ta tan-taen

>

> Vella illanaa kavala vendaam TCS irukkuthu therinjuko, Oh yea, VP poNNa

> lovve panna neraya poi sollanum therinjuko, Oh yea, Career illadha

> cycledhanda Corporate Worldnu therinjuko, Deadline kooda Mega serial

> poola ezhuluthu adikanum therinjiko, innummum solren therunjuko Code

> eluthi purinjuko

>

> Vaada machchan Programmer aaite

> Paithiyam pudichi inge vanthutte

>

> immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae! immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!

> immsai immsai, immsai immsai, Don't go!

>

> TL vandhu sirichu pesunaa Velai varudhunu therinjiko, cauvery poala

> Hike thara maruththa Wipro technu therunjuko,dharalamaa Salary

> koduthaal Verizonnu therunjuko, HR dept'la irundhu call vandhaal

> Confirm aagitaaruu therinjiko, innummum solrean therunjuko Treat

> kodduththu therunjukoa vaadaa machchan ...

> vaadaa machchan Programmer aagite

> kirukku pudichu inge vandhute!

[Akash]

My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.

That guy must have been from Infosys. :lol: No, must be from Verison :wink: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

Akash,

:rotfl:

'Song satires'nnu namma NOV-voda oru thread TFM page-la irukku. Pl. post this song there too!

[jaiganes]

Akash!
That was a laugh riot.!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[NM]

Shekhar, Akash.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."

The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".

The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".

The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell."

Actually there was one more person with them and he was the town bus driver. He was the one admitted, for the simple reason, he made many people to pray for their lives.

[Akash]

NOV, good sense of Humour :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the
motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager to come to take a look
at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor,
look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out,
grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this
will work as a new one. So how come you get the big
money, when you and me is doing basically the same
work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!"

[NM]

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

Scorpio, that was a good one :lol: :lol:

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[jaiganes]

That was a good one scorpio!!
Great going...

[jaiganes]

For a change, lets have some spiritual fun.... :D
Zen Joke
So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."

[a.ratchasi]

JG,:rotfl:

[NM]

JG........ :lol: :lol: :lol: "Change must come from within" :lol:

[NOV]

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.




Tooth extraction
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

[Querida]

Akash love that song! 8)
Jaiganesh, NOV-san and Scorpio thanx for brightening up my dull and snow-stormy day :D

[jaiganes]

I donno if this joke has been told here already...

A few dating terms explained

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's
eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man,usually interpreted by the
man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

[jaiganes]

NOV ji!!


So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

Ha ha haaaaa :rotfl: Haiyyo!

[jaiganes]

one more:

Strong Young ManThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Shekhar]

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.

Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.

David: Oh? What are they going to do?

Ali: Circumcise me!

David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.

Ali: Did it hurt?

David: I couldn't walk for a year!

[jaiganes]

politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
how many angels could dance on his head?

[jaiganes]

I got almost killed reading this joke! :lol:

bitter person's horoscope

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

[scorpio]

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

****************

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

**************

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

****************

A new principal was walking around the school. When he passed by this one classroom he heard a lot of noise, he went in, grabbed the tallest kid who seemed to be making the most noise and ordered him to be quiet and put him in the hallway and told him to stay there.

The principal then went in the classroom to yell at the kids. When he was done, he asked if there were any questions. A girl raised her hand and asked if they could have their teacher back. The principal asked where the teacher was. She said .. he is in the hallway !

[jaiganes]

Physics Exam

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

[ts]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[jaiganes]

kuku!
You must be a blonde then!!!
No offense!
It is the finger that is hurting and she is using that finger to push other parts of body. Obviously the broken finger is going to hurt further! but our heroine doesn't understand that! :lol:

[Shekhar]

Kukubird. Great!! We need more like you on this hub :banghead: :rotfl:

[NOV]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared at him.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied:" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

[NOV]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are
considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

[NOV]

New Daffy-nitions


ADULT : A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL : Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS : The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE : A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST : Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST : Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP : A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

HANDKERCHIEF : Cold Storage.

INFLATION : Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO : An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN : Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET : Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON : A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE : The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW : One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN : An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES : Something other people have. You have character lines.

[scorpio]

NOV,

:lol:

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."

**************************

Linda: "What's that you're reading?"

Jill: "A diary."

Linda: What's in it?

Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."

**************************
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

[ts]

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard
times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to
spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are
you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens
fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him
for a home cooked meal.

The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the
man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like
me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want
her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble
or play golf."

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[jaiganes]

kuku!
As always, you are most welcome.
so u haven't grown up from watching "Dexter's Lab" huh? That annoying sister didi!! :shock:

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[jaiganes]

abt your avatar kuku! do u know what it is?

[NOV]

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."


The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Eighty percent of married women cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.


Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.


Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[scorpio]

SCHOOL SCIENCE QUIZ

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (for example, abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

[NOV]

Minute Management Lessons

Lesson 1

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you did such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job ?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions !"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson 2

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.

The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question,"What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss !"

[Hyderabadi]

Banta's Accident

"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.

"Well," explained Banta, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."

"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."

"You said it, doctor," injured Banta replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."

[Hyderabadi]

Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.

Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.

"I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'," the man explained.

"Why?" asked Jack.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

[ts]

Points to Ponder

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Why no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If I played a blank tape at full blast, Would the mime next door go nuts ?

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[Cindy]

Work = Force x Distance

W=FD

According to Newton,
Force = Mass x Acceleration

F=MA

By Substitution,
Work = Mass x Acceleration x Distance

Work = MAD

[Cindy]

Some important questions if you are preparing for a Java interview


Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?

A. Terms are different nothing more



Q. What do you know about the garbage collector ?

A. A person who clean the dust bin.



Q. Explain RMI Architecture?

A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.



Q. How do you communicate in between Applets & Servlets ?

A. If they are reachable by walk ,I will go in person, else I will use phone.



Q. What is the use of Servlets ?

A. In hotels ,they can replace servers



Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads ?

A. Threads are small ropes.Make a rope from threads is an example for process



Q. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet ?

A. Either ascending or desending.



Q. When is update method called ?

A. Who is update method?



Q. Have you ever used HashTable and Dictionary ?

A. There is a Dictionary named Hash in my table.



Q. What is JAR file ?

A. File that can be kept inside a jar.



Q. What is JNI ?

A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.



Q. What is the base class for all swing components ?

A. A glass that can be beneath all and which is very rigid.



Q. What is JFC ?

A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee



Q. What is Difference between AWT and Swing ?

A. AWT is an acronym .Swing is a word.



Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?

A. I will give invitation.



Q. Why do you Canvas ?

A. To get victory in election.



Q. How you can know about drivers and database information?

A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.



Q. What is serialization ?

A. Arranging one after ther other from left to right.



Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?

A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.



Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?

A. Non living things can not communicate.



Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?

A. As you wish ,I do not have any objections.



Q. What are virtual functions ?

A. Functions about which we are dreaming.



Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?

A. When we sow a binary seed,a binary tree will grow.



Q. What is the exact difference in between Unicast and Multicast object ?

A. If in a society ,if there is only one caste ,then it is Unicast, Else it is multicast.



Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?

A. Send it through courier.



Q. What is meant by flickering ?

A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.



Q. What is meant by distributed Application ?

A. Distributing application forms



Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?

A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

[Cindy]

Dear Microsoft Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work
on this program.

With regards,

Joe

---------------------------------------------------------------------



THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT: -

Dear Joe,



This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and
it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.


Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees).


Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating
system will return to normal.


Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as
Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.


Thank you for using the program!!



With regards,



Bill



P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[NOV]

Some Juvenile stuff


I wrote your name on sand it, got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart
I got heart attack


God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created you


Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far


The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.


When your life is in darkness
Pray to God ask him to free you from darkness
And if after you pray and you're still in darkness
Please pay your electricity bill

[scorpio]

Cindy, NOV,

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Cindy,

I am thinking of printing and distributing Java quiz to my team members!

[NOV]

Different Aspects of Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

[Cindy]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: GOOD ONE VELAN.

[Cindy]

HOW CLEVER ARE YOU GO AHEAD AND CHECK THIS OUT...


Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You

can't take your time.


Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?

Let's find out just how smart and clever you really

are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.

You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?



























ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are

Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person

And you take his place, you are second! Try not to

Screw up in the next question.




To answer the second question, don't take as much

time as you took for the first question.

(You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then

you are...?





























ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last,

then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you

overtake the LAST person?!


THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be

done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or

a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?























ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is

actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is

definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last

question right?



LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:

Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?





















ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The

fifth daughter's name is Mary.

Read the question again.

[scorpio]

NOV,

Customer feedback was great! :rotfl:

Cindy,

Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!!

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[Hyderabadi]

Doubt in Mahabaratha


village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child
is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n
devki behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born...'

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji,
I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
'Ramu bete, whole indiadoes not have doubt in mahabharata then
how come u have one?'

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going
to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[Cindy]

Bush: I want to show you the golden old technologies of US. Come with me. (He takes him to a deep forest).
Bush Dig the ground down to 100 feet (Indian did it).
Bush: So now, see if you find anything.
Indian: I see a wire.
Bush: You know, it shows that even 100 years ago, we used to have telephones. (Indian got ..Grrrrr... :x ), but anyway he invited him to his place in India.
The very next year, Bush visited his place.
The Indian said, Sir its time for me to show you were India stood in olden days. He takes him to a deep forest and asks him to dig down to 400 feet, and Bush did that.
Indian: What do you find there?
Amused, Bush said, "i see nothing here..."

So, Guess what...even 400 years ago, we used to have wireless technology.!
8)

[Cindy]

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (chand ka tukda),

You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner, but i think you are worried about your father who is a KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( the unshakable) and my fahter who is a CEAT (born tough), but don't worry, as i am also a FORD IKON (the josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (lets make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) and i believe COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye). Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other, and do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). Expecting your reply.

I could write only a little today, but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more!).

LG (digitally yours),

XYZ.

[Shekhar]

Two men, hehewalrus and Shekhar were sentenced to die on the same day for sabotaging serious threads. They were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The Admn had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by NOV, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. NOV, turning to hehewalrus, solemnly asked, "Dude, do you have a last request?"

hehewalrus replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love music. Could you please get me Querida to sing for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied NOV.

Then he turned to Shekhar and asked, "Well, what about you? What is your final request?"

"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first."

[Kalyani]

:lol:

[Hyderabadi]

GIRLS

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

[Hyderabadi]

Santa, his wife, Jeeto, and their seven-year-old son, Pappu, walk into an ice-cream shop.

Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

[Hyderabadi]

Banta needs a bull to service his buffaloes but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

Banta complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the buffaloes. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

Banta looks very pleased, "The bull has serviced all my buffaloes, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's buffaloes."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied Banta.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says Banta, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[Hyderabadi]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky and starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him; the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[a.ratchasi]

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, beca! use that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies,"I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

[a.ratchasi]

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

[Querida]

"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first."

Certainly i agree with your request since you are hard of hearing what is the use in you hearing me sing and not being able to enjoy it? :P

Uhhh Cindy sorry but can you please translate the following for me?

(zor ka jhatka dhire se lage), (jo chahe ho jaye), (yeh dil mange more!).

[Badri]

Querida:

zor ka jhatka dhire se lage: bayangaramana adi...lesa pattuthu

jo chahe ho jaye: yethu venalum nadakkatum

yeh dil mange more: intha idayam venduthe...more!!!

[Kavitha Ravi]

That was a good one Ratchaci.
I really enjoyed it. :D

[Shekhar]

Cindy,

Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!!

Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Badri]

Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal.

What more can we say? :huh:

[scorpio]

Oh!

How I wish the admin uploads the 'Blonk Badri's head' icon faster to the list of emoticons!!

Would have put it to wonderful use today!!

[Badri]

Hey, what did I do? :roll:

I merely shrugged my shoulders to what Shekar had already so wonderfully stated!!!

[scorpio]

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

******************************

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

"No," said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

[jaiganes]

scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread? :shock: :lol: :P :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Simple! Because I always tend to forget incidents where I acted silly, thambi!!

[Akash]

scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread? :shock: :lol: :P :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :rotfl:
I can't stop laughing
:rotfl:

[Akash]

What's the story behind the Real Name

A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.

Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,

"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[scorpio]

Akash and Jaiganes were digging a ditch on a very hot day. Akash asked JG, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss Scorpio is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded JG. "I'll ask her."

So JG climbed out of the hole and went to Scorpio. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," Scorpio said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"

JG went back to his hole. Akash asked, "What did she say?" "She said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand."

[ts]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured
a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look
on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

[Querida]

"What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand."

Ayyo Scorpio that was toooooo funny!!! :lol: :rotfl: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Aaaha! sooper joke akka!
Idhu poala joke ai NOV kooda yosithu irukka mudiyaadhu.
(english translation: Even NOV can't tell an intelligent joke like this).
Long live scorpio akka!
Valarga akkavin pagutharivu .
(eng translation: Let scorpio sister's intelligence grow day by day).

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[Akash]

Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"

Ha Ha Haaa.......
:banghead:

[scorpio]

JG, Akash and Badri decide to go hunting. Akash says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. JG and Badri ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So JG says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. Akash and Badri ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So Badri says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. JG and Akash ask him what happened and Badri says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[Badri]

Akka...good one!! :rotfl: :rotfl:

[jaiganes]

How "intelligent" of you scorpio akka!!!
You mentioned software in your profile for occupation.
Must be "custom" software looking at the amount of customization you do and pass it off as your indigenous joke!!
So from today thee shall be known all over the world as "Height of customized intelligence".
The Thambee brigade stands in a line and salutes you as bugles sound off. Doree Harry is all in tears and controls it well, managing to hide it behind the soda buddi. A definite KODAK moment. :rotfl: :wink:

[NOV]

One day, Scorpio hears from her mother that if she were to do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come in her dreams & give her 3 boons (Varam). So she decides to do it. She completes 4 years successfully, doing prayer regularly.

On the last day, she sleeps early with great hopes. And, sure enough "Devi" comes in her dreams.

Devi: O Scorpio, you prayed to me regularly for the last 4 years, and I am very very happy with you. I will grant you your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.

Scorpio: Condition!, what is that?

Devi: You have a friend Jaiganes?

Scorpio: Yes.

Devi: When you were in prayer, he was waiting for your blonks, so he has also sacrificed as you. Moreover, he doesnt know anything about the boons, and therefore he deserves some thing better. So whatever you ask, he will get 10 times of that. If you agree, then proceed for your first wish.

Scorpio: (After thinking for some time ... ): OK, I agree.
First, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.

Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times richer than you.

Scorpio: It's OK.

Devi: As you wish!

Scorpio: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful person in the world.

Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times more handsome than the most handsome people in the world.

Scorpio: It's OK.

Devi: As you wish then.

Devi: Now the last boon.

Scorpio: O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.

Devi: What? Are you sure!

Scorpio: Yes. Very sure!

Devi: Well, your wish is granted.

Think friends...
What would have happened to Jaiganes; he would have got a severe heart-attack, while Scorpio remained alive after a mild heart attack. Thus, Scorpio would become the world's most beautiful person and the richest one, too.

Moral of the story: Scorpions are always intelligent! So be careful Jaiganes!

Now, Scorpio and the rest of the girls please stop reading and go on to then next post.

Jaiganes and the boys may continue reading...

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Dear Jaiganes, dont worry, actually what happened was when Scorpio had a mild heart attack, you had a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the Scorpio. So Jaiganes will live longer than Scorpio, being world's richest and the most good looking person.

Moral of the story: Scorpios like the rest of the girls, are really no match for us guys.

[scorpio]

NOV,

:twisted: :twisted:

[NOV]

oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be :arrow: :lol: instead of :arrow: :twisted:

[jaiganes]

NOV!! :lol: :D
u are a life saver!!!
I needed that after a hectic day of work!!
But I dont want to act petty. Like Jesus said,
'These blonkers know not what they are doing'
:cry:

[ts]

Three people, a Srilankan, an Indian, and a Pakistani are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Srilankan student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Srilanka and free us from the war".

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Srilanka was forever made fertile for farming and the war had ended.

The Pakistani was amazed, so he said, "We lost four wars with India and always fear of being invaded. All i want is a wall around my country, so that nobody from outside can come into our precious Nation."

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Pakistan.

The Indian says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 500 metre high, 50 Metres thick and completely surrounds Pakistan. Nothing can get in or out."

The Indian says, "Fill it with water...now"

[Badri]

oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be...instead of...


That was even better than the joke Nov!! :lol:

Hoo hoo hoo for Nov!! :thumbsup:

[a.ratchasi]

Calls to the helpdesk

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.

**********************************************
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?

**********************************************
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

**********************************************
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it.

**********************************************
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********************************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
Another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work!

[a.ratchasi]

Calls to the helpdesk II

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.

**********************************************
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********************************************
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but
nothing's happening...

**********************************************

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take
before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button
more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you
will finally be helping me?

**********************************************
A customer couldn't get on the internet: -

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********************************************
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the
circle around it?

**********************************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
screensaver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears!

[NOV]

How to break bad news...


At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"

"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all
that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!! What was the
candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

[scorpio]

oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be :arrow: :lol: instead of :arrow: :twisted:

Correction:

Girls never follow instructions given by stupid men!

For JG and Badri:

Weak people always lean on others for support whereas the brave uses their own legs! - Quote for the day by Scorpio akka

Ratchasi - :lol:

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[scorpio]

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.


But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.


"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.


Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.

[Badri]

We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples, they sometimes live apart. - Saki

[a.ratchasi]

scorpio, your jokes are :lol: :lol: :lol: !

As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something :twisted: to the goats ? :wink:

By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it. :evil:

[scorpio]

scorpio, your jokes are :lol: :lol: :lol: !

As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something :twisted: to the goats ? :wink:

By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it. :evil:

Hi Ratchasi,

Wand will be used against my arumai thambees if they don't stop the thollai by this week end. One week is all the time they have bought and am surprised that they are so quiet since morning today 8)

As far as the 'kutty' suffixed to yr name repeatedly, I was thinking for a moment if u knew kuku personally and hence affection has extended till the hub, now, :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

Aama, scorpio, only that is lacking now! :)
I may need your help with the wand if the duck keeps on calling me that! :evil: :evil:

[ts]

A long time ago, India and Pakistan were at war. During one battle, the Pakistanis captured an Indian major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the Pakistani general began to question him.

The Pakistani general asked, "Why do you Indian officers all wear
red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland Indian way, the major informed the general that the
reason Indian officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all Pakistani Army officers wear brown pants…

[Querida]

:lol: really enjoyed those jokes...ok so im going to do the worst and do some MIL bashing :twisted:

Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?

A: Too little concrete!

I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.

Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A: Take your foot off her head.

Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot her again.

I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?

A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.

Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?

A: A vicious dog eventually lets go!

I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice gets too thick.

Q: What does a MIL call her broom?

A: Basic transportation.

My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.


My MIL and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.

[Querida]

MIL- bashing II

woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

"My Mother-In-Law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".

Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?

A: Outlaws are Wanted!!

[a.ratchasi]

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

[a.ratchasi]

Bad Timing

A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was DELAYED in traffic.

Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the FIRST confession I ever HEARD here.

Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very FIRST chap, heavy on marijuana, entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had murdered the officer but the law never caught him. Further, he told me he had embezzled millions from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife and many other women of this community.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.

"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the FIRST confession he heard at this congregation."

Now that is bad timing.

[scorpio]

Querida and A.Ratchasi,

:rotfl:

Hmmm, what a way to start the day in office! :wink:

[Badri]

Good job Q, with your MIL bashing spree!

Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling!

[scorpio]

Badri,

Intha post-a appadiye print out eduthu wife kitte kamichu nalla per edukalaamnu pakkariya??? :roll:

[Badri]

Akka:

Cha, so like a woman...always looking for ulterior motives behind an honest act!

Anyway, I have told my wife about a thousand times by now how much I really like her mom, so there!

[Roshan]

I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.


I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".

hahaha :lol:


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

No two words !!!



There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

hahaha very true !!

And Bad Timing - :rotfl:

Thanks querida and ratchasi :D

[Roshan]

Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling!

badri,

MILs are always good to their mApillais.. but to their marumagaLs.... :roll: hmmmmmmmm !!

[Badri]

Well...I can only quote the name of the Hindi serial, Roshan...

Kyon ki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi...

(Translation: Cos, the MIL too was a DIL once)

[scorpio]

WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.

Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers

Niro - Do you know 'pa' has been banned as an unparlimentary word by the National council of human rights?

Badri- Heard the cost of peanuts has gone down drastically in Australia, is it true? ( You have to browse Indian food section to understand)

A.Ratchasi - I want to give you a 'kutty' present which is a 'kutty' puppy. Its name is also 'kutty'.

NOV - Do you really carry a 'Vel' with you wherever you go like our 'Tenali' Kamal?

RR - There is a donation of $ 10000 to the forum hub, but the remitter's name reads as 'Al Qaeda'.

JG - B'lore corporation is going to make MG Road into a 'pay and enter' road and a parking fee for parking yourself there for long hours.

lordstanher- Write the correct spellings of the following words you misspell 1000 times - Anyway, That, right, what, some, have, you, are, your, anything, anybody, because

Raghu - Are you really acting with a tonsured head in the film' London wallah'?

Mandangi :) - Write imposition 500 times- I will henceforth not lie that I am an extraordinarily talented and a beautiful person.

More will follow, depending upon the response! :wink:

[Badri]

WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal. And if you started off with a sportive mind, but got too personal reading this...well, tough luck!!


Scorpio: Heard the software industry in Chennai is now paying people to customise and post jokes in FH. Also heard special appreciation awards have been instituted for those who actually design and build their own jokes. Is it true?

:lol:

Anyway, nice effort!

[scorpio]

Badri,

Nice try..

:rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

:tongueout: @ scorpio

[Badri]

That is not how you do it, ratchasi, this is how you do it..

:poke:

[Hyderabadi]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It
was addressed, "Mom."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid
a scene
with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his
piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole
winter.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John
can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[ts]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Bin Laden is still alive", Bin laden decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Dubya opened the letter and saw only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H." He couldn't figure it out, so he asked Karl Rove.

Rove suggested that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Dubya sent it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, couldn't figure it out, either. He suggested, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart." But, Dr. Rice was baffled, too.

As Dubya was pondering the mysterious message, which lay on the desk before him, Colin Powell came into the Oval Office. When he saw the paper and read what was written on it, he asked, "Sir, where did that come from?" Bush replied testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Bin Laden. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"

Powell cleared his throat and replied, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."

[ts]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"...

”Yep", the wife replied instantly, "in-laws."

[Querida]

:rotfl: TS i thought hmmm not a good idea to stand on one's head while on a swivel chair....but then thank god the answer dawned on me...hmmm i got a couple of ppl who would like to see that message :twisted:

:lol: Hey Scorpio very good work! :D i'll laff until you post something on me...then i'll just laff harder :P

[kukubird]

-deleted-

[Querida]

oh my! i think someone has let their avatar possess them! :twisted:

[a.ratchasi]

I thought we going to have one joke per day. I don't like to read that much, and this is not enjoyable. dumbing a lot in one day.

k.bird@sedusa, you have got the option to read 1 joke per day, you know. :wink:

[Roshan]

Querida,

After seeing your MIL jokes I too thought of sharing one here...

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and MIL. Halfway through their trip, the MIL dies. So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5000. Or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.

"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.

"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's awfully big expense. And I can assure you we do a very nice burial here."

"Look" , says the SIL. "Two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Shekhar]

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[Roshan]

hahaha it's a Dan Brown joke I guess . Good one !!

[Shekhar]

WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.

Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers


Hey, I had missed it. Great ones... :lol:

Here are some more..

PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.

Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..

Geno: Thou shall not preach..
:lol: :lol:

[ts]

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies,

"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

===============================================
...and to end the week...

I cant help but laugh at this one... enjoy...
Subject: FLASH FROM ENGLAND

BREAKING NEWS









Camilla is very pleased with the wedding arrangements, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend






























in Paris with a car and a driver.

[Querida]

Ratchasi ace point! 8)

Shekhar i was surprised to find no hubbers names in your joke this time :P

TS :lol: tell the queen not to give up on her more than generous offer :twisted:

Roshan :D

*************************************************
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[Querida]

When i read this joke i was like What??? :shock: :lol:

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"