A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

eeks my thread still exists...THOUGH I DONT
Thats called leaving a legacy behind! :D

[NOV]

For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread. :lol:

1. Don't imagine you can change a man...
- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
- You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon...
- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander...
- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same...
- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor:
- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men...
- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something...
- is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind...
- but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man...
- look in a mental hospital.

12. The men of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years...
- Even in biblical times, they wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in...
- tell him chequebooks.

[Querida]

:rotfl: NOV-san thanx for those especially the last addition...now just to be fair:

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman


#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[Shakthiprabha.]

For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread. :lol:

5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.

.

Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS :lol:

[NOV]

:lol:
ok, here are some facts, for you to laugh at:


The following are actual ads on a matrimony site in India. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail... ;-)

Hello To Viewvers
My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe..if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours
Regards Somesha ~*~
_____

i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (-Homework?)
_____

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (-The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
_____

She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd haveone brother and one sister. She should be educated. (-ain't it unique!! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
_____

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on.......... hold my hand forever !!!
(-The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
_____

i am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one girls he care me and love me lot lot lot (-I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(-Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
_____

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to ourcast (-by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
_____

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL , THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD. 2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are 'loughing')
_____

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is loolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp (-I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
_____

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (-I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
_____

1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (-the "ok syndrome" again)
_____

i am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater & mother sister complity marred (-somebody please explain in comments section how to get married'completely'?)
_____

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (-actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
_____

my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (-height of desperation!)
_____

I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she have a frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (-uttama purushan)
_____

i am kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar. he was marred. (No comments) I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (-maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
_____

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (-but credit cards not accepted..???)
_____

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (-Zebra..???)
_____

i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (-Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
_____

To be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon..)
_____

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi (-Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
_____

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (-Any takers again?)

[Shakthiprabha.]

nov,

:)) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.

/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////

Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks!

[Querida]

NOV-san i think i will have to quit my well loved english prof dreams...because yep im not going to forget that grammar soon...guess i'll just have to get hitched to one of those guys though im not fair, very complex, already starting to hate their mothers and can't seem to love just one :lol: :poke:

to the ladies they finally did get hitched to or will get in the future : :notworthy: i am not worthy to read your replies

(note: hmmm hope that wasn't too mean...poor things they actually had the guts to post those online)

[Roshan]

Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS :lol:

Hey Shakthi! Believe me!! I wanted to say that when I finished with NOV's factual post :lol2: Thanks for saying that for us ! :D

NOV,
For once you had got the courage to state the facts clearly :lol2:
As Querida said elsewhere, people tend be bold when they speak out the truth !! :lol2:

[Roshan]

nov,

:)) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.

/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////

Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks!

Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both :P :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

NOV deserves a big :clap: :clap:

[Roshan]

Yeah yeah!! a standing OVATION :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[NOV]

Ayoooo ladies, you make me very shy. I am merely the messenger. Don't shoot or praise me, please. :D

[Shakthiprabha.]

///Thanks for saying that for us ! ////

hehehe Roshan..ANYTIME...:D

///Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both ///

yeah yeah poor we.


_________________


nov,

//// I am merely the messenger. ////

Visit us as often as possible messenger, WITH SIMILAR KIND OF MESSEGES, you would get STANDING OVATION YET ANOTHER time.

Chee chee dont feel shy, ALL PART OF GAME :))

[NOV]

A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in South East Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.


Room Service (RS) : "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest (G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service."

RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh...yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den? ....pry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos??"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!....why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No....just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter....just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy....tea....mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother, honey sigh, and copy.....rye???"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tendjewberrymud."

G: "You're welcome."

[NOV]

Why am I so tired?


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to
do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[Cindy]

Dear NOV,

"Tendjewberrymud " for all these jokes...

deyar juz wunnaful.

tendjegane..

[Querida]

NOV-san said:
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

the other worker says: well you posted them! So instead of reading this message get back to work! Someone's got to cover while i go on my coffee break! :P

[a.ratchasi]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chainsthem together and says,

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with
the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped
on a duck."

[Roshan]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

Take it lite, no offence meant!!

THIS IS WHY GUYS ARE STILL ALONE:

********* U have to think twice b4 committing to a North IndianGirl**********

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.


******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South indian GIRL-FRIEND***********

Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras /Anna University.

Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

She shudders if you use four letter words.

She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconutoil from her hair.)

She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

When she mixes milk and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortablewhile you are melting in your singlet.

She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')

She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.

She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

She is more educated than you.

Her father thinks she is much smarter than you...

[Cindy]

Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

[Cindy]

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Cindy]

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."

[Cindy]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[Cindy]

"I was married 3 times" explained a man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again."

My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
************************************************** ***

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.

Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"


So I bought her an electric chair.

************************************************** ***

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

[Cindy]

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life.
My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it. "They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

[Cindy]

God created the mule, and told him,"You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads onyour back.You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.


Then God created the dog, and told him,"You will hold vigilance over thedwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him,"You are Monkey. You shallswing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational beingthat walks the earth.You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.You will dominate the earth and live for20 years."And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused,and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man,then marry and live 20years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age,to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

[Cindy]

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.


One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?">> The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"--

[a.ratchasi]

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

:lol: :lol: :rotfl:

[Querida]

Hmmm Scorpio im worried what you would say about the gurls who are desi but have left the homeland...but still hilarious :D Cindy love those jokes...short and long-lined one :wink: but i kinda don't get the jail joke...so what if they guy asked for matches? maybe i'm just missing a key part of it...

[Cindy]

Querida,

first one could read the books, the second one had his wife with him...and the third one...Imagine piles of cigarettes, but cant have a smoke... as he had no match stick ... and 20 years... whatz the use of those cigarettes then?? :lol:

[Shakthiprabha.]

Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable.(Its an old one..which many must've heard)

************************************************** *

Hazardous Materials Data sheet
________________________________

Element : Women
Symbol : O+
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic Mass : Accepted as 55kg, but varies from 45 kg to 225 kg


Physical Properties
___________________
Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint

Boils at absolutely nothing-Freezes for no apparent reason

Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

Chemical Properties
___________________

Reacts well to gold, plantinum and all precious stones

Explodes spontaneously without any reason or warning

The most powerful money reducing agent ever known to man

Common use
__________

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

Can greatly aid relaxation

Can be very effective cleaning agent

Hazards
_______

Turns green, when placed alongside a superior specimen

Possession of more than one is possible, but specimen must never make eye contact
__________________________________________________ ________________

[blahblah]

Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable

I agree with what is said here and it is certainly enjoyable. :wink:

[NOV]

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants sign up early and get a discount on registration.

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

[NOV]

Seminars For Females
(Prepared and presented by their better halves.)

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without
Nagging.

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Introduction to Parking.

13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.

22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

24. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both.

25. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the
first time)

26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.

27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.

28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[scorpio]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

If Men Got Pregnant!


1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

[Querida]

Hi NOV-san do us all a fav and sign up all your hubbers and their significant others to their appropriate classes...what would be more rewarding then hearing the meaningful pms you'll recieve for your efforts :P

[scorpio]

"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."

Nov,

Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ?? :?

[blahblah]

"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."

Nov,

Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ?? :?

Too slow Pal! :D
If they are not back by 9 pm,you know what their evil,mean and clever girl friends will do to the poor,innocent souls. :D .Wait for 10 months and you will become a grandma[sorry Pa] :lol: :D :wink:

[scorpio]

:lol: Thanks BlahBlah!

[Bad Boy]

:lol: Thanks BlahBlah!
Not accompanied by a girl/woman/wife?

[NOV]

George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of England, Elizabeth II. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room and asked: "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[NOV]

Why is it great to be a guy

- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.

- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.

- A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

- When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.

- You can go to the bathroom alone.

- Your last name stays put.

- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- The garage is all yours.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."

- You never have to clean the toilet.

- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be
your friend.

- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.

- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.

- If you're 34 and single, no one notices.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

- Flowers fix everything.

- You never have to worry about other's feelings.

- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking "he must be mad at me."

- One mood, all the time.

- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.

- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks.

- You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.

- You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's.

- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.

- The remote is yours and yours alone.

- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.

- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

[NOV]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven!


Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.


Why were shopping carts invented?

To teach women to walk on their hind legs.


Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.


All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.


What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.


Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy
is the same.

[Querida]

oh now look what has happened..we praise NOV-san a bit and all of a sudden he's rehashing jokes with a couple of new ones thrown in and even pulled the reversal joke line trick.... :P anyways hilarious...though in your great to be a guy jokes...many of those things are changing.....especially with the clothes/shoes/suitcases/friend issues...that and now it seems socially acceptable for guys to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.. :wink: :lol:

[Querida]

Why It's Great to be a Gal

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance.
6. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
7. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
14. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We have an excuse to be a total *** at least once a month.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
21. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
23. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
24. We're NOT men.

[Cygnus]

Hi Q!

Snappy come back! One for the team!

[jaiganes]

Querida wrote

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?

pun intended :wink: Offense unintended! :)

[a.ratchasi]

Querida wrote

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?

pun intended :wink: Offense unintended! :)

If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'!

[scorpio]

Nov, Querida,

Sabash! Seriyana Potti! :lol:

[jaiganes]

Querida wrote in a separate thread "sacred plants of hinduism"



just a question...why is that husbands never pray for nor praise their wives or even have elaborate ceremonies as women as expected (socially/religiously) to do so...all jokes aside it is quite demeaning...


We do!! that is called "SHOPPING". Please visit TNagar once if you haven't done so already!! I did not reply there as it might have diluted that thread!

Ratchasi (is it true?) wrote


If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'!

So you do find dumb men to be cute!!! :rotfl:

no wonder u have that name!!! :notworthy:

pun intended! :wink: Offense unintended :)

[NM]

Querida / A.Ratchasi......... :thumbsup: :rotfl: :thumbsup: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Love reading everything that's posted here.......

Nov and all "great Guys".........love those jokes too..... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[a.ratchasi]

What's a Man?

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."
And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"

"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and I'm sick of eating apples."

"Well, in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."

"What's a man?"

"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."

"Sounds great!" replied Eve.

"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[jaiganes]

Ratchasi!
I believe you!!
No wonder there was chaos in the beginning!!!
:rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

So you do find dumb men to be cute!!! :rotfl:

no wonder u have that name!!! :notworthy:

pun intended! :wink: Offense unintended :)

Read it again, jaiganes.
I dont recall saying that I find dumb men cute.
You might end up living with the prarie dog for company.

[scorpio]

Ah! Now Ratchasi has joined the band along with Querida ! :wink:

Nov,

Your turn now! :D

[a.ratchasi]

Intense Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

[jaiganes]

Ah!
I concede Ratchasi!!

You find all men dumb.(quite logical according to you . I guess)
you don't find dumb men cute (follows your post)
So I guess I can lend my prarie Dog to you!!! I hope you find that poor creature cute!! :wink:
chaos still rulez!! Coz God created Eves first remember!!! No chance for order!!

:rotfl:

pun intended :wink: offense unintended :)

[jaiganes]

Good one ratchasi!

"Intense Grief" is indeed a very good, thought provoking joke!!!
look at the Irony!!

[Shakthiprabha.]

What's a Man?


"What's a man?"

"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."

"Sounds great!" replied Eve.

"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Good one! Interesting.

There is a famous fact which is mailed to me time and again....

___

God created man....

He was not happy. It was imperfect.....

SO HE CREATED WOMAN

(self explanatory)
_____

[blahblah]

A man,sick and tired of working for eight hours a day,while his wife simply stayed at home,wanted her to understand what he is going through.So he prayed to god,

"Lord,my wife is merely sitting at home while I am working hard.I want her to understand my problems.So please change our roles".

God in his infinite wisdom,granted the wish.He woke up next morning as the woman while his wife became the man.

Early morning he awakened the kids,cooked break fast,set out their school clothes,packed their lunch box and took them to school.Then he came back,took the clothes to the laundry,drove to the bank to take money for paying the power and phone bills, went to the power company and telephone office to pay the bills,went grocery shopping,came back, cleaned the cats litter box,bathed the dog,made the bed,cleaned the kitchen,washed and moped the floor.

By this time,it was evening and he ran to the school to bring the children,got into an argument with them on the way,came back,set out milk and snacks,ironed the clothes,peeled potatoes and cleaned vegetagles and started cooking.Then they had dinner and by 9 pm he had sent the children to the bedroom,washed the dishes,cleaned the kitchen and then proceeded to the bedroom, where he was expected to make love :wink: .

The next morning he woke up and immediately knelt beside the bed and said,"Lord,I am sorry to be such a fool to envy my wife being able to stay at home.Please change us back to our old roles".

The Lord replied,"Son I am glad that you have learned your lesson and will be happy to change you into your old role.

You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". :D

[Shakthiprabha.]

//You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". //

That CROWNED IT ! :))

Expect the unexpected LOL

[NOV]

Ok ladies, here's one for you....


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. the rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are
all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. she said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

the men were all touched by her speech that they all started clapping their hands........

[NOV]

1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.
.
5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
.
6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
.
7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
.
8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
.
9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
.
10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
.
11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
.
12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
.
13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
.
14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
.
15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
.
16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll
take it anyway.
.
17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
.
18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
.
19. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
. .
21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
.
22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
.
23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
.
24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
.
25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
.
27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry about identity theft.
.
29. Jelly - A blonde bought a contraceptive jelly, but got pregnant anyway because she failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on the toast.
.
31. A blonde goes half way to Finland from USA and back to discover that a "14 Inch Viking" was a TV set not a sexy man.
.
33. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; An optimist hopes they are.
.
34. Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're
finished.
.
35. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.
.
36. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...
.
37 The sweet young thing decided she'd rather be a young man's slave than an old man's darling, explaining that she hated the
thought of feeling old age creeping up on her.
.
41 For checkbook security, I keep all my checks signed so that thief cannot sign my checks.

[Querida]

blahblah loved the joke! :D

[Querida]

However much we can joke about men and women...it's funnier to joke about those who are together....especially if you're young, single and loving it :P :

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When
a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact,
I like your mother-in-law better than mine."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

[Querida]

one for the gals:

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"

and one for the guys:

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."

[blahblah]

one for the gals:
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."

Atleast the women on this forum understand their true role. :lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home.
"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've been out playing golf again!"

[Bad Boy]

This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them.

It is of course normal that the passions overcome them during the day, they are at the office for work and they are working on each other.

"You won't get far by lying" it is said. But golfing if you say the truth! Good laugh Shekhar! :thumbsup:

[Mad Max]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Querida]

:D @ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future :D

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[a.ratchasi]

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet

[a.ratchasi]

Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

[NOV]

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet

awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better. :rotfl:

[Mad Max]

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

[Mad Max]

:D @ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future :D


Q,

Do you plan to be a teacher when you graduate? That's so cool.

[a.ratchasi]

Well, NOV, :poke:

[blahblah]

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet

awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better. :rotfl:

See how women manipulate things to suit them.However,I am sure this joke was invented by a man. :twisted:

[NOV]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And...I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

[NOV]

The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing
"FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"

Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week!!!

[NOV]

An old woman called the Fire Dept:

"Hello, Help!"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[NOV]

Since Valentines Day is aound the corner, let us try to celebrate and understand the opposite sex. :D

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m.
on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, I'll never forgive you, I hate you, you're a total floozy. ..but, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldn’t be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or “Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the “little boys? room. Do you want to join me?'

[Roshan]

Oh !! NOV,

It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly.

Anyways, thanks for the jokes. But the last one should rightly go to 'interesting anecdotes' thread as there are too many facts involved.

Eg:

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.


OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

Oh !! NOV,

It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly.

You are right. I will control myself in future. :rotfl:

as for the "facts" it just goes to show that we men can laugh at ourselves. Hehehehe

[jaiganes]

NOV
u are the best!
I feel proud to be a man!!!! I am so cost effective!!(except for the toys part. I don't carry too much of them around u see!!!).

[Shekhar]

One day, Querida, Cindy and ratchasi were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Querida prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Cindy prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

ratchasi had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[Roshan]

Poor Shekhar !! How deperate he is - to prove that men are intelligent !! :cry: :cry:

[Querida]

awwww Shekhar...what's the deal with labelling? I would change my next joke to your name...but then again i don't want hubbers dying from laughter :poke: ...atleast be accurate...what's this hiking you speak of? You mean walking for guys...you know cause they get to carry around a backpack, compass, canteen and flashlight...just in case they get lost...which we know never ever happens...irregardless of the bright big signs with directions the nice people at the park put up... :D

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Shekhar!!! pls try harder :poke: :poke: :poke:

[a.ratchasi]

Shekhar....Shekhar....Shekhar....

Trying hard to get even, eh?

Anyways, kudos to you for you have remembered to change the names!

With kind regards,
:twisted:

[jaiganes]

Shekhar wrote:


Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge

No Shekhar! It looks better this way.

Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!

pun intended :wink: offense unintended :lol:

[Surya]

Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!

pun intended offense unintended

Good one. :wink: :lol2:

[scorpio]

Bill Gates picks his own punishment:

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

AAHH!!!

I recall a similar joke!
Bill gates after his earth stint lands at the gates of hell.
Satan is pleased to welcome him to Hell.
As he is to be admitted to hell, he recieves a message from God that since Mr. Gates has introduced millions of users to PCs, he should be given a choice between select areas of Heaven and Hell.
First he is shown a glimpse of heaven where some uninteresting old men dressed in white are playing the lute sitting on top of clouds. Mr.Gates is not impressed, next he is shown scenes from hell. Lots of PCs and good looking women operating on them. Mr.Gates is impressed and he exclaims "To HEll for eternity!". Shortly two demons carry him forcibly and throw him into a deep pit with lots and lots of snakes, hissing and biting him. Bill Gates shouts " Where are the PCs and beautiful women?" . Satan replies "Well, that was our commercial you see!!!" :twisted: :lol:

[scorpio]

Jai,

:lol: :lol:

[NOV]

Hmmmmm. Turning the joke on me? Irukkattum, irukkattum, one of these days I will do a Sekhar on you guys. :lol:

Some "old" jokes today....

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

_______________________________________

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"
______________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went ! through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

[scorpio]

NOV,

You have breached yr vow of 'one joke per day' again.

Hilarious, anyways :lol:

[jaiganes]

Nice insensitive jokes on senior citizens NOV!! :twisted:

Now this is a joke, I heard from Thenkachi . Ko. Swaminadhan in the radio programme "Indru Oru Thagaval".
There are three very senior citizens sitting on the beach . A reporter covering senior citizens is curious and thinks that they ust be long time pals and starts his conversation.
He asks senior #1: "You seem to be quite old, but still healthy, tell me your secret of long life.Also please state your exact age"
SC#1: I dont eat Non-Veg, I dont get Angry, I dont drink and I dont smoke. May be thats why. I am 90"
Reporter reiterates the same question to SC#2.
SC#2: "I don't drink, I don't smoke but I am a non vegetarian. I am 70".
Reporter then poses the same question to the third person who looks by far the eldest of the three.
SC#3: "I drink, I smoke , I eat non-veg, I use pans and Ghutkas"
Reporter : :?
SC#3: "And I am 30"

[a.ratchasi]

How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)

How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)

[jaiganes]

Back with my prarie dog!!
Ratchasi wrote :


How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)

How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)

That is what he has been doing since his marriage!!! :rotfl:

[a.ratchasi]

And one for the road...

Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Ratchasi wrote:




Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.

Very funny!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Shekhar and NOV remember "Hell hath no fury like a feminist hubber scorned!!!"

[NM]

Nov:: :lol: :lol: :rotfl:


She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. "

Sounds very much like me...walking in and out of my office, not remembering why I went out of my office in the first place, and then, don't know why I came back again to the office!!! Signs of old age!!!!! :P :P and did the staring bit too, a few times...stared at the PC, don't know what I had wanted to type!!!!! :banghead: :banghead:


How to keep Shekhar busy" :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks. " :lol: :lol:

[Hemant Trived1]

Continuing the above joke,

Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye"

[jaiganes]

NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!! :D

[NM]

NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!! :D

Jai ganesh.....no black but seeing blue..... :poke: :poke: :poke:

[a.ratchasi]

Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.

I named the wise one as NOV and the other, well, Shekhar :D :wink:.

[jaiganes]

Ratchasi wrote :


Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.

I named the wise one as NOV and the other


Well Hemant knows that neither of them is single!!! :P :lol:

[Hemant Trived1]

It wud have made problem if the Dog was refered to as the female from the dog tribe ...lol

[NOV]

and this is the end of the story

Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says "awww look at that dog with one eye." So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.

NOV looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye."

"Why" asks Shekar, "what's wrong with looking through my left eye."

NOV points to the 3D illustration of the one-eyed dog and says, "You need to see with the green lens on your right eye and not the red one, in order to see the shadow."

And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages......

THE END

[Hemant Trived1]

AMEN

[jaiganes]

And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages....


Yeah, unmindful of the speeding truck driven by one A.Ratchasi....!!!!
charging at them !!! :wink:

[Hemant Trived1]

And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ?
No need to think,
jaiganesh ofcourse !!

[Hemant Trived1]

:rotfl:

[NOV]

what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?

[jaiganes]

NOV wrote:



what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?

Hey I just tried to save you from the truck! Fine then I would start a new thread , NOV and the speeding truck!!!
Jjust kidding :lol: :lol:

[NM]

And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ? No need to think, jaiganesh ofcourse !!
Unknown to everyone, there's someone lurking among the bushes, waiting ....with a Bazookah....to attack a.r's attackers!! :tongueout: :tongueout:

[Roshan]

And one for the road...

Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.


:thumbsup: :rotfl:


Continuing the above joke,

Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye"

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Shekhar]

See how NOV ends the story.. :lol: :lol:

That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table. :lol: :lol:

Glad I brought more life to this thread.. :wink:

[Hemant Trived1]

Shekhar wrote,

"See how NOV ends the story..

That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table. "


Men end stories....but... women start epics...

Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.

[jaiganes]

Hemant wrote :


Men end stories....but... women start epics...

Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.

So I can extend it to ....
Ladies start epic earthquakes??? :?: :clap:
or

Ladies are the epicentres of most of the earthquakes.
:twisted:

[Hemant Trived1]

An Earthquake is momentary....
Epics go on an on......... (like Ekta Kapoor serials).

Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?)

[Bad Boy]

Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?)
You can also make valuable quaking posts!
Ithu nalla nadukkam, mannikkavum, peNkaLai nalla nadukkam enRu collelaamaa?

[jaiganes]

Have been just joking around!
Lack of response from the other side of the fence indicates only one thing. They are clearly not impressed!! So I withdraw from this male/female bashing jokes!! I shall let NOV, ratchasi regain control of the thread!!!
My sincere apologies.
:( :roll:

[NM]

JG..how right U are... :evil: :twisted:
Now, retreat...that's my boy!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??) :lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

NM wrote:


See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)

Now ! Don't get me started....

[jaiganes]

good one picked up at butlerwebs.com

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

[jaiganes]

Another good one:

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."

[jaiganes]

And one more:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I
speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me!"

[jaiganes]

Now I can't stop this one !!

Out shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."

[Hemant Trived1]

Lisping speech has been creating a riot of laughter.

One such lisping young girl who was a teenager but was very well endowed went to a doctor with complaint of cough and cold.

Doctor put the stethescope under her collor bone and said,
"Big Breaths...."

The girl's face reddened crimson and replied rather coyly,
"Yeath ..and I am only thicktheen"

[Maxwell]

Soccer match

At a soccer match among the spectators one guy was moving from from side to side constantly. The guy next to him asked him " hey man whats wrong" you are moving from side to side.

The man replied " I'm sorry. I was working on a ship for ten years and thats why I'm like this.

Then the guy replied him" hey man I am married for 15 years, but I dont move back & forward

[NM]

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."
Good one! :lol: :lol: :lol:


"Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss." :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Maxwell]

Equations

The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -

And that 1 @@@@@@ marriage has 7777777777777 Problems.
So beware of glance!

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Resultis always FAIL!

Delivered:

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".

ThreeFeelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

[scorpio]

:lol: :lol:

Though we are constantly breaching 'One joke per day' yardstick!

[Cindy]

JG, this is repeated in this same page...

[jaiganes]

Cindy! I am sorry if it is. I just went up till last 8 pages to check it up, then got bored and told my self "What the he**, I am gonna go ahead with the post". Ny ways, I got reminded of another joke..

A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[scorpio]

Password selection rules
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

[NM]

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
:lol: :lol: :lol: I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? :P but now I know!! :lol: :lol:

[Querida]

oh my that'll learn me not to catch up on jokes all at once... :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Shekhar]

:lol: :lol: :lol: I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? :P but now I know!! :lol: :lol:

So.. the tube lighted at last.. :lol: :lol:

[NM]

:lol: :lol: :lol: I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? :P but now I know!! :lol: :lol:
So.. the tube lighted at last.. :lol: :lol:

Shekhar......adi vendumaa????? :evil: :evil: :evil:

[scorpio]

IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH:

OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding commercials, and staying tuned after those messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper

HONORS AND AWARDS
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
High Score on Jack's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother.

Note fm Scorpio- Software professionals, pls. excuse! :lol:

[jaiganes]

Haa Scorpio,
Can add the following under EMPLOYMENT section

Presented time consuming(to read and write) and trouble inciting papers and research publications(read posts) on various subjects in bulletinboards and forums in the internet disturbing peace and tranquility on the net!!

Doubled up as the official coffee taster in the office!





Software professionals, pls. excuse

No need to apologize pal! we always accept truth! :P

[scorpio]

Jai,

Official coffee taster- just becoz u'r a chennaite?? :lol:

Good job!

[NM]

Don't know if you guys n gals hv heard of this before...

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
our PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

NM,

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[NM]

NM,

:lol: :lol: :lol:
For # 13??? :lol: :lol: :lol: Needed that after some disturbing news at work today!!

[jaiganes]

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.

So you think he / she made the right decision???? :? :wink: :lol: :lol:

Hilarious jokes! :thumbsup:

[scorpio]

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons- computers must be male:


They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter

Top nine reasons computers must be female:


Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.

[scorpio]

Newton's Laws for the Software World

-----------------------------------------------------

Law 1- Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or
forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

Law 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to
the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.

Law 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.

Bonus :) Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.

Note - Again, software professionals, pl. excuse :lol:

[jaiganes]

Bonus Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.


Since when did well guarded facts become jokes?
One more law :wink:
Productivity of R&D team is directly proportional to the uptime of google.com ! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Hemant Trived1]

Inter Office Memo

Since research team manager has found that google results need to be sorted, indexed and since this process takes up more time,

FROM IMMEDIATE EFFECT, GOOGLE WILL CEASE TO BE THE CHIEF RESEARCH TOOL.

IN ITS PLACE, " www.vivisimo.com " must be used by everyone.

:lol:

[NM]

Gender and Computers
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Hemant Trived1]

Actually speaking, VIVISIMO is a far superior clustring search engine. Try it out once and you would use it for ever.

[NM]

Dear God, I beg you to..

Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss

Give me the love
to forgive him

Give me the patience
to understand his actions

But, dear God, don't
present me with strength

'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!! :lol: :lol:
Have a great weekend, folks!

[scorpio]

NM,

"Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!! "

Both funny and practical!!

[Querida]

Dear God, I beg you to..

Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss

Give me the love
to forgive him

Give me the patience
to understand his actions

But, dear God, don't
present me with strength

'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!! :lol: :lol:
Have a great weekend, folks!

same goes for my profs! :banghead: :P :D
thanx NM for the jokes..have a great weekend as well... :D

[NM]

Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...

Dear God, I beg you to ..

Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles

Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles

Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about

But, please GOD, I beg you not to
give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!! :lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLICATION FORM

Bihar ispecal

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM NOTE: If you dont knows, please copy from another applikason phorom. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.


Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Misra
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)


First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)


Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)


Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable


Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

>
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)


Number of children libing in the household: _________


Number that are yours: _________


Mother name: _______________________


Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)


Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)


Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)


Your thumb imparesson (If you are copying from another applikason pharom,please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.) PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.



NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

[Surya]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol2:

That was great! Messed up, but great! :lol:

[Shakthiprabha.]

///
Number of children libing in the household: _________


Number that are yours: _________
////

THAT TOOK A lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time for me to decipher what is being said !!

Though there are umpteen no. of application forms, this was was unique, which succeeded in bringing some smile :)

NM's prof joke was TOO GOOD :)

[NM]

Bihar ispecal
Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
.......
(Check karet box)
.......

Aiyooh......Shekhar, engeppa unggelukku inthe joke kideitthathu?
:lol: :lol: :lol: Like Shakti, I was struggling with "check karet box"!!! :rotfl: :rotfl:

Shakti....you feel the same with profs too?? :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

3 new bonds are being issued:

* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.

[NOV]

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!

Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want.

Anxiety: Nature's way of getting you up mornings.

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".

A conclusion is where somebody got tired of thinking.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Oxymoron: One who does not know how to use pimple medication.

Chocolate: the other major food group.

Capitalism: Man exploiting man.
Socialism: The reverse.

Canadians: The *other* Americans.

Cheating: Playing by the rules they teach in business school.

Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

'Normal' is a setting on a washing machine..

Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse.

Language: A dialect with an army and navy.

Pizza *is* the four food groups.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes.

Bore: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Answer: What everybody is still looking for.

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

Fine: Tax for doing wrong.
Tax: Fine for doing fine.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
(Hi Sakthipraba :wave:

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Anarchy: Such a good idea, it should be the law.

Dogmatism: Puppyism come to full growth.

Dime: A dollar after taxes.

A professor is someone who talks in somebody else's sleep.

Work is the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life.

[NM]

3 new bonds are being issued:

* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.

..................
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".


:lol: :lol:

[Shekhar]

A Rare Book

NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box. She happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped NOV.

"Yes, that was it!"

"My God! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

[nirosha sen]

:lol: As in King Jr?????? :shock:

[Hemant Trived1]

Nov,

YOU MADE MY DAY..... DEAR.... :rotfl:

[NOV]

Great you enjoyed them Hemant. :D

* One morning, an American senator instructed his attorney to notify him as soon as a judgment was handed down in a case concerning his involvement in an influence-peddling scheme.
Early that afternoon, he received a fax: "JUSTlCE HAS PREVAILED. "
He immediately faxed back: "APPEAL AT ONCE!"

* A society matron, visiting the Louvre, stopped before a famous painting of a dirtypeasant. "Isn`t that just like them?" she remarked. "Too poor to buy decent clothes, but he can afford to have his portrait painted!"

* A diplomat visiting China once rambled on for several minutes telling a story to his hosts. Curiously, the interpreter remained respectfully silent. Having finished, the diplomat was astonished to find everyone heartily laughing after his interpreter had said only a few words.
"How did you tell the story so quickly?" the diplomat asked. "Story too long," the interpreter replied. "So I say: `He tell joke. Laugh.`"

[Cindy]

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be female:


A computer must be female.. 'coz there is a motherboard inside... not a fatherboard. :D

[Hemant Trived1]

Obviously computer is a female since it has 101 key buttons,
Numbers are sent to mostly unused righthand side, :roll:

On the keyboard,
Largest key says, "ENTER", :lol:
Broadest one is SPACE :wink:
First button says, "ESCAPE" :twisted:
Two Bottom Keys says, CONTROL" :evil:
And has two keys which says, "ALTER" :cry:
And two keys which says, "SHIFT" :?
Has twelve Female Keys, which are, F1 to F12 :x
(And it has a MOTHERBOARD hidden from public view.)

It uses a lot of shoes as it has to RE-BOOTED almost daily . :rotfl:

This reminds me of female qualities.

So it is undoubtadly female gender for a computer.

[Bad Boy]

Once last May UKW, now Mellon told me not to finger my keyboard much! Do you remember Mme?
I should have listen to you Mellon.

[Querida]

Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...

Dear God, I beg you to ..

Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles

Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles

Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about

But, please GOD, I beg you not to

give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!! :lol: :lol:

:rotfl: oh NM that is much more fitting!...because for sure now I will beg God to give me the strength! :P

[Querida]

:lol: As in King Jr?????? :shock:

No... "Martin Luther dealt the symbolic blow that began the Reformation when he nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of the Wittenberg Church. That document contained an attack on papal abuses and the sale of indulgences by church officials." This historic movement eventually led to Puritanism whose followers fled England for 'pure' religious life and work in the new world...they soon became greedy and hence were reborn as....Americans who now worship capitalism...along with everyone else in the world for that matter...

[Querida]

Shekhar and NOV-san those were simply hilarious! :rotfl:
whoever said stick to a joke a day....i really enjoyed those! Except that i dont think it's good to read them one right after another...i've got tears in my eyes from laughing too much! :D

[Querida]

knicker-wallahs...well atleast they will keep the internet spam-free and that simply too...that's just too funny Badboy :P

[NM]

A Rare Book

NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box.

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

My dearest :twisted: :twisted: Shekhar,
Wanna blonk??? :twisted: :twisted: Thanks for giving me the honor :evil: :evil: :evil: You wait!! :lol: :lol:

[Mad Max]

A little boy asks his father what politics is. His father tries to explain. "Well, son," he says, "I go out into the world every day and make money - so imagine me as Capitalism. Your mother handles the budget for the house - so you could regard her as the Government. Your nanny, who looks after you and your baby brother, works very hard - so we will call her the Working Class. You are in the midst of all this - so consider yourself as the People. And your baby brother? Look on him as the Future."

That night the boy goes to bed pondering his father's words. In the middle of the night he is woken by his baby brother crying, clearly wanting to have his nappy changed. He goes into his parents' bedroom and sees his mother fast asleep. He is unable to rouse her. He goes to the nanny's room and finds his father and the nanny making love. He tiptoes quietly out without being observed and goes back to bed.

At breakfast in the morning, the boy says to his father: "I was thinking about what you told me and I think I understand about politics now, dad." His gratified father looks up from his toast and asks, "Oh yes, how is that?" "Well," replies the boy, "Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The Government is asleep. The People are being lied to and the Future is in deep shit."

[Hemant Trived1]

Mad Max,
I had read this one ....but had forgotten it. You made me Laugh.Good one.

[NM]

Mad Max... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[nms]

Three friends had a visit to Qutb Minar.Two went to the tower top and one remained in the basement itself.
The two friends watched the city from the top of the tower.The city was very beautiful to view.They were just enjoying the sight.
Suddenly one of them said"our friend below is missing this sight.Call him here".
So the other called in a loud voice from top of the tower .
The firs person got angry and shouted at him "he is in such a distance ,how will he hear your voice.....?".
Saying this,he took the binocular ,saw his friend below,then he called his friend in a lower voice. :D

[NM]

NMS... :lol: :lol:
Welcome to the hub, buddy!

[a.ratchasi]

JG..how right U are... :evil: :twisted:
Now, retreat...that's my boy!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??) :lol: :lol: :lol:

NM, you have said it all too clear and well!! :D :D
Now, that I am back... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[jaiganes]

Picked this one up from butlerwebs.com

"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
"

[scorpio]

NOV, Shekhar, Mad Max,

Thanks for thejokes. Had a hearty laugh :lol: to beat Monday Morning :evil: blues !!

[NOV]

A funeral service was held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"

[NOV]

Home Remedies


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[nirosha sen]

Boy Nov!! That last paragraph was a most sobering thought Pa!! :(

[scorpio]

Home Remedies



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

NOV,

:rotfl:

Office-la velai seiyya vidungappa!!

[NOV]

Great that all of you are enjoying the jokes, while learning a thing or two too. hehehehehe


Top 10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in obvious situations :

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "masala thosai" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Kanna, Selvi, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive ...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

[NOV]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the Driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much".
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years".

[Querida]

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

aiyo way too funny NOV-san! :rotfl:

[Cindy]

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

[NOV]

HAPPY VALENTINES DAYIs this a joke?

[jaiganes]

Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ? :lol: :lol:
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less?

[jaiganes]

Another joke related to kids!
I am afraid that some might say it is too touching to be called a joke....

"
To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

"

[jaiganes]

This one takes the cake::::

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[NOV]

NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less?OK, how about some words of wisdom from ............... Michael Jackson! :D

“I have slept in a bed with many children... We go to sleep. I put the fireplace on. I give them hot milk, you know, we have cookies. It’s very charming. It’s very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do. The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”

“I used to walk around holding baby dolls... because I wanted children so badly.”

“I was so anxious to get [my daughter Paris] home that after cutting the cord—I hate to say this—I snatched at her and just went home with all the placenta all over her. Got her in a towel and ran.”

“If there were no children on this earth, if somebody announced that all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”

[NM]

Wow..Nov, U have been busy looking for jokes last week, weren't you? Was gone for only a few hours this morning and ....phew..so many of them.. :lol: :lol:
Particularly, this one.."everyone seems normal until you get to know them" :lol: :lol: :lol: VERY TRUE!!!!

[NM]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
:lol:

[jaiganes]

Very smart one indeed NM

[a.ratchasi]

Replying to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

:)

[jaiganes]

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Beyond funny, really this man had an amazing sense of humour as his epitaph reads "He lies here, somewhere" :wink:
Mel Blanc's epitaph reads"That's all, folks!"

Groucho Marx's epitaph reads ""Excuse me, I can't stand up."
Funniest one should be H.G.Wells'
"I told you so, you damned fools."

Most inspiring should be that of Karl Marx which reads,
"Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it."

[NM]

Ar & JG..good ones!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

I took this following joke from 'female bashing' section. But I could not make out if it was really bashing enough....

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
:lol: :lol:

[nms]

A Nutty one!!!! Enzzzzoy!
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
Expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
Which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

[Cindy]

Is this a joke?


Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ? :lol: :lol:
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less?

ayyo.... this was the thread in my fav list... and thought of wishing every one before going to my work today... dint want to begin a thread for this..'coz worried that would be hijacked by ppl who are STRONGLY against and for it... puriyutha?
grrrr :twisted:

and ganesuppayya... ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...

[a.ratchasi]

Human Resources Guidebook

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

[NOV]

A Christmas Card

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars on this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom

[NOV]

Women!


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.


==========================


At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"

[NM]

Nov,
Those were hilarious :lol: :lol: :lol:
Thx for ligthening up my day, it's been hell past few days!!

[jaiganes]

I second NM's comments on the jokes.

NM wrote:


it's been hell past few days

Then think about me :(
I am going for an MRI scan of my head :shock: :x
Thanks for the blonks.....

[NM]

Then think about me :(
I am going for an MRI scan of my head :shock: :x
Thanks for the blonks.....
JG......i am thinking abt U dear......is MRI enough or do you need a CT scan? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Cindy wrote:


ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...

I can see that creatures in your avatar are two baby donkeys. As far as their size is concerned, they look like snacks of ratchasi's avatar! :lol:

NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear :wink: :lol: :lol:

[NM]

NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear :wink: :lol: :lol:
Be careful, my dear prairie...
Don't you remember what Blahblah said in another thread....?? Here it is to refresh yr mind...guess the blonks have taken away some of your memory.... :lol: :lol:

Ohoh!You thought I am nice guy and then changed your mind?Don't you know that the General himself doesn't go for war,on the battlefield?For now,I will leave the job to lesser beings like jaiganesh. ... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[jaiganes]

Of course I agree with my general!!
prarie dogs are cute little things which are less evolved beings(earlier in evolution tree) compared to vicious rabbits, that can beat the living daylights out of humans!! Haven't you seen the movie killer rabbits????

[Cindy]

Peg After Peg

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

[Cindy]

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his
classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me
because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college
because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at
6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is
budding
in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,
Aakash

===============================================

Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
************************************************** *
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right
(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not
loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning
of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma

[Cindy]

21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS..!!



Our communication - Wireless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our bosses - hopeless



Finally,

Our Salary - Very less

[jaiganes]

Cindy!!!!!
The drunkard joke was wayyyyy tooooo muchhh!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :rotfl:

[scorpio]

Cindy,

:lol: :lol:

[scorpio]

The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure, go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important.

[Cindy]

Lateral Thinking


This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking... Just Check This Out!!!!

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.


man
1. ------------
board







Ans. = man overboard



stand
2. ------------
i





Ans. = I understand

OK?.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fair?



3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/





Ans. = reading between the lines



4. r
road
a
d





Ans. = cross road



5. cycle
cycle
cycle





Ans. = tricycle



0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.





Ans. = two degrees below zero



knee
7. ------------
light





Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)



ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet






Ans. = six feet underground


9. he's / himself






Ans. = he's by himself


10. ecnalg






Ans. = backward glance


11. death ..... life






Ans. = life after death


12. THINK






Ans. think big !!



And the last one is real fundoo............


13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....




Ans. long time no 'C' (see)

[Shakthiprabha.]

Cindy's joke is wayyyyyyyy too hilarious :)) :))

[Shakthiprabha.]

Cindy's drunkard joke way
too hilarious :)) :))

[Cindy]

This is a real life incident from a Doctor's experience:

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left". Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;

He was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.



Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

[Cindy]

This fits to this thread? or the amazing facts thread? u decide... and we will as NOV to place it properly...

A beautiful " l o v e " story

A long time ago, before the world was created and
humans set foot on it, God had put all the human
"qualities" in a separate room.

Since all the qualities were bored they decided to
play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted:
"I want to count, I want to count!"
And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek
"Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So
"Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:

"One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the
qualities went hiding.
"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that
it would hide under a stone, but hid at the
bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count
"... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."

By this time, all the qualities were already
hidden-except "Love ". For stupid as "Love " is, he
could not decide where to hide. And this should not
surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is
to hide "Love".

"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety
seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one
hundred........."Love" jumped into a rose bush where
he hide.

And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming,
I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was
the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy
to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at
the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them
all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate,
unable to find Love.

Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You
only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose
bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud
cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.

Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw
what had happened. He got very angry and cursed
"Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind
because of u... ..u shall always be with him"
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is
blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

[Akash]

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members Of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks ike this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service Responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

This is how stock markets work!!!

[Akash]

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"










Moral
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS

[Cindy]

Found these to be funny!!! Enjoy !!!!



Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
" 7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary! . We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't,
you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Querida]

hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
:rotfl: :D

ok don't know if someone posted these before but here it goes:

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a tarmac drive.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!”

In short, Love is blind,
Marriage is an eye opener!!!

[NM]

Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those.. :lol: :lol:
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were :wink: :wink:

[a.ratchasi]

Akash, the last one of yours makes me smile each time I read it.

Cindy, I loved 'Reshma's' reply! :lol: :lol:

[a.ratchasi]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Mad Max]

hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
:rotfl: :D

Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! :evil: Traitor!

[Mad Max]

Caution: This joke may be a bit offensive to sensitive people.

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

[scorpio]

Upcoming IT Movies in Tamil Industry:

Chinna Mouse Periya Mouse

Aathaa Naan Java Certificate Vaangitten

En System En Folder

Engalukkum Offer Varum

Aval oru Programmer

Mouse Magesan

Login Aagaamal Ulle Vaa

Mail Anuppa Neramillai

Paar Monitor-ai Paar

(Java) Padithaal Mattum Podhuma

(EJB) Padithu Vaazha Vendum

Dbase-ilirundu Oracle Varai

Thudikkum (Mouse) Pointer

Saranam Internet (Bakthi padam)

Mouse Koduppaal GUIaambaal (Meena/KR Vijaya as GUIaambaal)

Ithuthaandaa Program (Telugu Dubbing)

PM-a Irundaa Enakkenna (Telugu Dubbing)

Vaishnavi MCA (Vijayashanti)

1000 Dollar Vaangiya Aboorva Bench Period

Link-aagatha Code-um Linkaagum

10-m 10-m 100 (Binary)

Manathil Logic Vendum

Code-kkul Bug

Ulagam Suttrum Analyst

Thedi Vanda Consultant

Thottathellaam Dollar-aagum

[Akash]

Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those.. :lol: :lol:
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were :wink: :wink:

Thanks NM
:)

I dunno if its been posted ......

if it is very boring for you in the office, Here are some tips. Try
atleast few of them:

1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

3. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there.. And note down the time they take to reach there.

4. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also..

5. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

6. Have work breaks in between tea.

7. Revise last week's newspaper.

8. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

9. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.

10. Compile "How to waste your day"

11. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s

12. Make faces at strangers in office.

13. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time.

14. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them.
Then repeat this process.

15. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

16. Learn to whistle.

And if you are still getting bored:

Send a mail to yr College egroups stating you r busy, Every one will say "ME TOO"...

[NOV]

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"

But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

==========================

A cop stops a drunkard:

Cop: Where are you going?

Drunk: I'm going to listen to a lecture on effects and harm of alcohol.

Cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?

Drunk: My wife and mother-in-law!

==========================

At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."

But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals...!!

==========================

girl: Will you also love me after marriage?

boy: That really depends on the husband you marry.

==========================

God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.

The devil thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law

==========================

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you.

[scorpio]

Here's NOV back in form !!

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[blahblah]

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

I would love to,but from the same office?Then may be you can forget that detective agency. :lol: :lol:

[NM]

Some of you may have read this already.....

:D :D

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, those are our working hours".

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack - so can you give me the number for Jack?"

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' on top of my desk and I did so - twice".

[nms]

INTERESTING PHONE CONVERSATION

K-"Who's calling?"
W-"Watt."
K-"What is your name, please?"
W-"Watt's my name."
K-"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
W-"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt,

W-"Is this James Brown?"
K-"No, this is Knott."
W-"Please tell me your name."
K-"Will Knott."

W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn't you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That's what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt's my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don't.

[Pause]

K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!

K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt's my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!

[pause before it hits him]

K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn't you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!

[pause before it hits him]

W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it's Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.

[Shekhar]

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE

2. THE UNDISCOVERED SIDE OF BANKING: MAKING DEPOSITS

3. PARTIES: GOING WITHOUT NEW OUTFITS

4. COMMUNICATION SKILLS (PART I) TEARS - THE LAST RESORT, NOT THE FIRST.

5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING

6. COMMUNICATION SKILLS : GETTING WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT NAGGING

7. DRIVING A CAR SAFELY: A SKILL YOU CAN ACQUIRE

8. TELEPHONE SKILLS: HOW TO HANG UP

9. INTRODUCTION TO PARKING

10. ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE

11. COMPLIMENTS:ACCEPTING THEM GRACEFULLY

12. CLASSIC CLOTHING: WEARING OUTFITS YOU ALREADY HAVE

13. OIL AND GAS: YOUR CAR NEEDS BOTH 14. TV REMOTES: FOR MEN ONLY

[NM]

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
SHEKHAR! HOW DARE U????? :evil: :evil: :evil:
Anyway... :lol: :lol: :lol: to your jokes and nms' .... :rotfl:

[Shakthiprabha.]

Driving Styles ...


One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney


One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan


One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston



Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York


Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy




One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA!