The Iraqi Wall Clock.

[Surya]

[tscii:a569d524aa]P[/tscii:a569d524aa]rologue, Preface whatever.

Meet Chicago Tyner. S.F Private Eye.
A literate, Gulf War Vet from the United States Marine Corps who has determined never to grow up. He carries a Cougar Magnum, cracks jokes at the worst times, and solves cases given to him by the Californian people.


1.
Being a Private Investigator is a lot of work. Especially if one is among the best in the field. This morning a couple showed up at my doorstep to disturb my Saturday morning slumber and to let me know that their eighteen-year old adopted daughter was missing. After dealing with issues concerning my fee, they gave me her picture, her school info, and finally her name. That was no problem. I’ve done plenty of kidnapping cases, but the deal here was, these two were no ordinary couple. The tall, muscular, Rambo look-alike was the Mayor of San Francisco, Mr. Powell, and the short blonde broad was his wife. I could see why they would come to the best PI in Frisco rather than the cops considering elections were coming up right around the block, and Rambo didn’t want any bumps on his smooth election champagne. My job was to find teen and return her to First Blood.

2.
I looked into the yellow folder titled “School Info.” In it was everything from her grades, to the phone numbers of her friends. I opened the drawer of my work desk and pulled out a yellow note pad, and a pen with Mickey Mouse’s face wrapped around it. The first name on the friend’s list, “Erica Javendale.” I jotted the name and put a hyphen next to it. The seven-digit number was highlighted in pink. I spun it on my old school rotary phone. It rang once. I looked at the clock. It read 7:48am. Maybe it was time for breakfast. How about McDonalds? ‘Super size, super size the American way.’ My lips started to mummer.
“Hello.” A woman answered on the forth ring.
“Hello. May I talk to Ms. Erica Javendale?”
“This is she.” The voice sounded tired and sleepy.
“Hi Erica, my name is Chicago Tyner. I’m a Private Investigator. I just want to ask a few questions about Allison Powell.” There was a long pause. “…hello?”
“uh…sure go ahead.” She seemed a bit unhappy with the whole situation. I started with my list of questions.


3.
After 9 phone calls and a shower I was less than excited with what I heard. The kids seemed stubborn and unwilling to speak. Hell, if some guy I’d never heard of before called me and asked me about my friends, I wouldn’t be willing to give them good answers either. I looked at the wall clock, which I had gotten in Iraq during the war. It read 10:35 am. School would have started. Maybe I should pay them a visit. If some guy I’d never heard of before pulled me out of class and asked me about my friend, I wouldn’t tell him. But I had a gut feeling that they would.

To be Continued....

[pavalamani pragasam]

tyner in the line of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Perry Mason, Rajesh Kumar.. Quite intersting :D Carry on, Surya :D

[Surya]

[tscii:e1c339bbd8]T[/tscii:e1c339bbd8]hanks PP Madam! :D :D

No one else wants to read my story? :cry:

4.
On my way there I stopped by at a ‘Panda Express Chinese Fast Food’. I finished my breakfast inside the well-designed chain, and started out to Head Royce. “A well distinguished private high school, excelling in both academics and sports” as the mayor put it. There was a parking spot a block away from the actual school office. I took it and double-timed the rest. When I got to the school office, a Caucasian elderly woman was looking into the computer screen, checking her email. “Excuse me.” I said. She looked in my direction, and eyed me from head to toe. Twice. So did I. I was wearing black boots, blue jeans, a thin sleeveless, tight black T-shirt tucked into the jeans, a shoulder holster carrying my Magnum, and a black leather jacket covering the holster. Stylish in my own way. I looked back at her.
“May I help you?” She asked with a smile.
“Hi, my name is Chicago Tyner.” I made a big deal about flashing my badge like I was a real cop. “I’m a Private Investigator, I work mainly in the bay area. I’m investigating the disappearance of a student of yours. Allison Powell.” I said in my most serious voice. She nodded with a smile. “I’d like to speak with a couple of your students. It would help me a great deal with the investigation.” She nodded again.
“Yes, Mayor Powell told me you might show up.” She said and picked the receiver off of a black phone sitting on her table. “Now, which students would you like to speak to?” I recited her list of nine friends. She called a few three-digit numbers and asked for the names of the students I had asked for, and then hung up. “You can go to the Library, they’ll be there in a few minutes. The Library is down this hallway, and on your left.” She said pointing her thumb to a hallway behind her. I thanked her and started down the hallway. The library like she said was on my left. I opened the door and walked in. Behind the counter was another old Caucasian woman wearing glasses, and sorting out books. She looked at me when I walked in. “I’m waiting for a few kids.” I said. She smiled.
“Okay, they will be here momentarily.” She said and continued with sorting the books. I walked to a table at the center of the Library, and leaned against it. Each wall had a different genre. Each genre looked like it held at least two hundred books. The room was clean and spotless, this library must cost as much as some of the schools in other, worse areas of the city, to maintain. The door opened, and a group of kids walked into the room led by the woman in the front office.
“Mr. Tyner, these are the students you asked for.” She said. There were eight girls, and one boy. All the girls looked the same. Blonde, 5’7, maybe 5’8, around 125 – 130 lbs. The boy, Joseph, the only boy on the list, was the typical popular kid, big and strong, blonde also, his ears were pierced, but didn’t wear a stud. School rules. He wasn’t very tall, about 5’5. Looking at his build, I’d say it was because of pumping too much iron at a young age. The left side of his jaw caught my eye. It had a black nasty bruise, in the process of healing. “Please let me know after you’re finished.” The woman smiled. I nodded, and she walked out of the library. All of them took a seat around the table. Ashley, Erica, Christina, Jennifer, Brook, Maria, Jasmine, Nichole and Joseph. Everyone looked at me, except for big Joe, who decided o throw his head back and stare at the ceiling. Damn teens.
“Hey there kids.” I said. No one said anything. Maybe I should’ve prepared a speech.


5.
After a long five minutes, I told the kids that Allison’s life might be in danger, and if they knew anything, they should call me if they do hear anything from or about her, and gave each of them my card. “So that’s it folks, go on back to your classes now.” I said in a thick southern accent. Why? Who knows. Everyone got up and slowly walked back to their classes, except for Ashley, who stayed in her seat. I waited for everyone to leave. Maybe she did too.
“Mr. Tyner” She said.
“Yes.” I took a chair opposite from the table.
“uh…about Allison…” This was going somewhere. “you might want to talk to Joe.” She said looking at the door. So did I, no one was there.
“Why would I want to do that?” I asked looking into her eyes.
“Allison was out on a date with him and she never came back after that.” She almost whispered.
“Date? Her parents didn’t tell me about any date.”
“That’s because they didn’t know.” Ah-ha! “No one is supposed to know, not even me, but Allison and me tell each other everything.”
“Oh, tell me more about big Joe.” I said, she faintly giggled.
“He used to be the captain of our football team.” The soaring War hawks. “but he was kicked out, because he couldn’t keep his grades up, and also he got arrested once, for sexual harassment.” If this was going where I thought it was, I’d may already solved the case.
“Does Joe have a history of being aggressive with other girls?” It was a stupid question consider he was arresting for sexual harassment.
“Yes.”
“How long has he had that bruise?” A more random query.
“Since the date.” Bingo!
“Anything else I should know Ashley?” I asked pulling my cell phone out.
“Not really, but about what I said…”
“My lips are sealed.” She smiled, and got up. So did I. We shook hands, and she walked out of the library. I dialed the number of Ron Smith. Sheriff Deputy who works in the Frisco area. A friend of mine from the Marines. He picked up on the 3rd ring.
“What is it Chico?” He must have caller ID.
“Hey Ron, how are ya? I need you to look up a Joseph Green.”
“You’re not with that prick James are ya?”
“What is it? Now you’re scared of him?” There was no answer, I could just hear the tapping of a keyboard. “Sorry Ron.” You never know with these cops, sometimes they get sensitive like that.
“Joseph Green, 17-yrs old, was arrested under sexual harassment.” Bingo! “What’s the matter? On another case?”
“Yeah, I gotta go. I’ll call you later today.” I hung up. Solving cases on my first day! The fact that I was the best was indisputable! Maybe I’ll give Big Joe a visit at Lunch.

To be Continued….

[pavalamani pragasam]

Good, carry on :D Sounds quite professional :lol:

[Surya]

Thanks PP Madam!! :D :D

Where is everyone else?? :cry:

I'll post the next chaps by tommorow. 8)

[coltsith]

I want the story posted TODAY! I want the rest of the chapters posted TODAY! I want the whole story posted TODAY!

I laughed when I read 'Big Joe'. And James, are we gonna see him in the story?
Everyone looked at me, except for big Joe, who decided to throw his head back and stare at the ceiling. Damn teens.
My favorite line so far! :lol: Keep writing!

By the way, that's Robert De Niro's line up there (story posted TODAY) so don't think I'm a psycho :x

Edit: Oh and...VETERAN HUBBER! :twisted:

[Surya]

.....Kaay!!!!! :? :shock:

Thanks Colt, u damn psycho! Call me, I want u to call me TODAY!! If I"m not there leave a message today!!!! :twisted:

James......he'll be there in the plot soon. I"ll post the rest later today hopefully blud!


Where is everyone?? :cry: :cry:

[rami]

Gud one so far Surya....

Waiting for rest of the story

[Mini]

hey, wherez the rest?

i happened to c it today only nad was eager to read the whole thing. too bad.

finish this!!!!!!!!!!!11111 :thumbsup:

[Surya]

Thank you for the reviews! I hope to finish writing the next chaps soon. :D :D

[Mini]

do it fast buddy

[nirosha sen]

I'm equally intrigued Surya!! Although missing girl's best buddy may not be so innocent or cookie after all????? Just guessing!!

C'mon ply us some more!! :D

[gorgeous gaayini]

hey, surya, very nice story, carry on, i'm wating.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[Surya]

[tscii:d0dc4f845f]Thanks a lot for waiting guys!! :D :D Here's the next 3.

I'm going to have faster updates now. :D



Chapters 6-8.

6.
I got a Boca Burger at a nearby Denny’s, and parked the car across the street from the school. The digital clock in the car read 11:57 am, still had a half an hour to lunch. I thought about what had happened today so far. I came to the school to meet some of Allison’s friends. I did in the Library. Everyone listed except for Joseph Green, who had a nasty bruise on his face. After I finished, everyone left, and Ashley tells me that Joe was on a date with Allison the day she was missing, a date her parents and god forbid, anyone else shouldn’t about. I glanced at the clock again. 11:58 am. Still a little more than a half an hour till lunch. I pulled my Cougar Magnum out of its holster and checked the bullets. It was all there. Why wouldn’t it be? I put it back. It was quiet, real quiet. I started tapping my fingers to play different rhythms on the steering wheel. Bhoom-chi-ca, bhoom-chi-ca, bhoom bhoom. BEEEP!!! My body jumped inside the car, and my heart jumped inside my chest. Whew! I breathed a couple times. The damn horn!! I took another deep breath and looked at the clock. It read 11:59 am. Another half an hour.

7.
I left the car and went into the school office, and told them that I’d like to meet Joseph in the library at lunch, and went back into the Library. The librarian smiled again, so did I. I walked up to one of the computers to kill the next 28 minutes.

8.
The bell for lunch rang. I had spent the last half hour looking up pictures of Victoria Secret models through Google.com. When the librarian looked in my direction, I minimized the window, and read Yahoo! News. A few minutes after the bell Joe walked in escorted by another woman I’d seen in the office. He slugged inside and collapsed on a chair staring at the empty bench in front of him. I sat at a desk in front of him, and stared at his bruise for a minute. He didn’t do anything. “Alright Joe, why don’t you start by telling me what happened to Allison.” He didn’t say anything. I sat there just looking at him for a few more seconds. His eyes slowly moved up to me. “Wow! That’s a nasty bruise you got there!” I said. “Just another school yard fight?” He just looked at me without saying a word. “Or is that a gift from Ms. Powell for invading her personal space?” His eyebrows went up, he wasn’t amused.
“HEY FU*K YOU! YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE PRICK IN A LEATHER JACKET! WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU KNOW?!” I looked passed him at the librarian who was now curios to know what was going on. I raised my right hand and waved at her.
“It’s Okay!” She sat back down, still curious. I looked at Joe. He was still staring at me. I wrapped my left foot around one of the legs of his chair and pulled him close to my desk letting him look through the opening of my leather jacket into the holster which held the Magnum. He flinched and tried to get up. “Sit down Joe!” He sat quickly. Not so tuff now are we? I went close to his face. “Now listen Joe. This whole act your trying to throw. This ‘fu*k the world’ act, it might work with your mom, it might even work with some of these teachers at the school. But it ain’t gonna work with me.” He nodded. “You know why? Because I know things. I know you have a history of sexual harassment; I know that you were on a date with Allison the day she went missing. Now I could just tell the Mayor of Frisco that I think you raped his daughter, and won’t tell me where she is, or you could tell me what really happened, and maybe, maybe we can work out a deal.” He seemed quite convinced, and ready to break into tears.
“I don’t know where she is man!” Damn it!
“That doesn’-“
“Let me finish.”
“I’m listening.”
“I was on a date with her, we went to Grizley Peak.” A hilly area in Berkeley which has a gorgeous view of the city. “We were talking, and these guys opened the car and pulled her out.” Tears started to form in his eyes. “ I tried to stop them, I tried to fight the fu*kers off, but they were just too big, and too many.” Guys? “They were speaking in some language. German or Russian of something.” German or Russian guys kidnap the Mayor’s daughter? “I clocked one of them in the jaw, and this bald guy got my jaw, and I passed out, when I woke up, they were gone.” He started to cry. Slowly, and quietly, but he was crying. German or Russian guys? I didn’t like where this was going.
To Be Continued…..


So wassup! :D[/tscii:d0dc4f845f]

[pavalamani pragasam]

Interest sustained! :D

[Mini]

good, but wenz the next episode cmg up? :?: :?: :!: :!:

[svasu_ani]

the story is interesting..pls post the next episodes soooooon..waiting

[Surya]

Thanks for the reviews guys!! :D

Next Update? Probably by Sunday. :)

[rsubras]

hey surya that was a real nice story.......... you sure write so maturedly.......... now i am worried (hey seriously) about the safety of that little girl........ hope you dont do anything to her.........

[Surya]

Subbu Anne, :)
I still don't know where the story is exactly going. I jsut have a rought outline. What ur next piece? U have to do an Ajith one!! :lol:

[gorgeous gaayini]

oh plz post it 2moro, plz plz plz.

[gorgeous gaayini]

Its tuesday now, plz update it. :P

[ssanjinika]

Phew!!!!
That was some story!
Hate waiting for the next instalment though.
So Surya please be a sweetie and post the installments close together.

[Querida]

[tscii:723cd0ec2f]Alright Surya...joined your little fan club...now sucked into your story...be a pal and install faster...or we'd just have to sic Mayor Rambo on ya! :P (sorry my iraqi wallclock's been working overtime saw your story when first put out but yeah well i read it now :) )


“ Everyone looked at me, except for big Joe, who decided o throw his head back and stare at the ceiling. Damn teens.” Love that line! 8-)


I pulled my Cougar Magnum out of its holster and checked the bullets. It was all there. Why wouldn’t it be? I put it back. It was quiet, real quiet. great eye for situation 8-)


"The librarian smiled again, so did I." good one

Uhh cool it with the ah-hahs and bingos :P


your main character seems so honest and natural at his work, good thing that though you follow the generic stereotypes they work towards your story leading readers to have a sense of familiar recognition but not to the point of predictability...furthermore it sets up way more intrigue when you do break away from the pattern...hence the need to install more!
:D [/tscii:723cd0ec2f]

[Crab]

Subbu Anne, :)
I still don't know where the story is exactly going. I jsut have a rought outline. What ur next piece? U have to do an Ajith one!! :lol:

:evil:

[gorgeous gaayini]

when is this gona b updated surya?!

[Surya]

Gaayu, :D
I've promised myself that I will write several chaps tonight. (THANK GOD IT"S FRIDAY!! IT"S BEEN A HELL OF A WEEK!!)

It will be posted by the latest tommorow.

[Surya]

First I want to thank everyone for reading my story. :D Q, Sanjinika, Gaayu, Ramas, Mini, Niro, Svaisn Ani, Rubras anne!! :D :D

And also Crab?? I guess??? I don't know what that is supposed to mean. :?

Kind of ironic that even though this is an action story, most of my readers are female! AWESOME!! :thumbsup:

[tscii:b90303bb4c]Sorry for the very late update guys. I'm writing more now-a-days so the updates will come at least twice a week from now on! :D :D

NOTE: There is some foul language in these chaps, I've put them in to make it look realistic! :D :D

Here it is....


9.

I asked him more, but he was in no condition to talk. I got up and smiled at the librarian on my way out, who was now looking at me like some Civil Rights violator. I ignored her. I got into my Camaro and drove home. Maybe I should tell the Mayor that his daughter was kidnapped by Russian or German guys. Maybe I will after I find out that Joe’s words hold water. I parked the Camaro in my designated parking area and went up to the stairs to my home/office. When I tried to push the key into the knob, the door swung open, the knob was torn off. I walked in. The door slammed behind me. I turned, and something slammed into my torso. I dropped the keys, and fell to my knees, and then to my face letting a puff of air out through my mouth. Someone turned me over and pulled the Magnum out of its holster, and shook all the bullets out and tossed it on my desk. I opened my eyes. There were three of them. Two of them were considerably huge, and one of them was short and bald, wearing a sky blue suit with a pink tie. Mob fashion. The short guy laughed and said “Hey Johnny, pick this prick up will-ya?” Italian. They were Italian, not German, not Russian, Italian. Johnny walked up to me and pulled me up with one hand. I was still breathing heavily holding my stomach. Johnny was strong, it was evident with his grip on my right arm. The short guy with the horrible tie walked up to my face and looked me in the eye. “So, you’re the private dick?” I smiled. He didn’t. “Do you know who we are and why we’re here?”
“I can take a hunch.” I said.
“Good! But let me clarify. We’re here to ask you get leave the Mayor alone. Get off of this case. Tell him you can’t find her, it’s too hard, too dangerous, you got a hernia what ever the fu*k ever! But get off of this case. You got it?”
“What family in Frisco are you from?” I asked. He didn’t like the question.
“You dicks always liked it the hard way don’t you?” he asked. I guess he liked using the term ‘dick.’ “Charlie, show this guy that we don’t fu*k around.” Charlie and Johnny in the Italian mafia. These guys get creative with their names. Charlie smiled at me showing me some of his rotten teeth and walked towards me while the dick walked away. I brought my right arm and punched Johnny in the neck. Too bad he didn’t have an Adam’s apple. Johnny’s head snapped back and he yelled and let got of my head grabbing his neck. I hit Charlie’s chin with the front of my boots. His head snapped back as well and he startled back. I turned sideways and jammed my boot heal into his gut. He fell back. The dick reached in for something. I wasn’t going to wait and find out. I picked up my Magnum from the desk and hit him hard enough on his nose to break it. But it didn’t. His nose turned into red mist. I grabbed his hand with my left, and reached into his jacket with my right. It was a baton. I pulled it out and hit Charlie on the back of the neck. He fell on the floor making a huge thud. I kicked the guy with the ugly tie in the groin, and he went down as well. I was forgetting something…Johnny! I turned around and took a solid punch on my jaw; I twirled around a couple times before hitting the hard wood floor. I might have broken a tooth. Charlie was trying to get up, the ugly tie man was almost knocked out, but Johnny was walking towards me reaching into his jacket. This time, I hoped it was a baton.


10.

He pulled out a 9mm Berretta, semi-automatic. That’s when Diesel ran in from the balcony and locked his jaw onto a good portion of Johnny’s wrist. Diesel, man’s best friend. Johnny screamed and punched Diesel’s forehead. But the Rockwiler didn’t let go. If had, he and I would have died right there. I got up. My head spinned and I fell back down. Johnny’s punch was like the kick of a mule. My eyes started to cloud. I got up again, this time holding on to my oak wood desk. I saw a huge brown smudge in front of me with a head, striking a black smudge with its left hand. I swung the baton with all my strength at some area in the brown fudge. Crack! Johnny’s ribs. My eyes came back in focus. Johnny was trying to get up. The guy with the ugly tie was gone. Charlie was on the ground. I looked at Johnny’s fists. No wonder they hurt. Brass Knuckles. They were like metal gloves covering his original knuckles. Diesel let go of his hand stepped back still growling at him, with his top lip up, revealing his bloodstained teeth. I picked up a couple bullets from the ground and reloaded the Magnum. Charlie looked up and saw the Magnum and looked like he was going to sh*t in his pants. I pointed it at him and he started crying. I looked at Johnny. He was down. “Where’s the short guy?” I asked.
“Who?” He was trembling and almost started to cry. “Rudy?” Rudy.
“Yes!”
“I’m right here!” A voice came from the kitchen. I looked. Rudy had an automatic Uzi in his right hand and had it pointing towards me. No one carries Uzi’s usually, but he did. I pulled the trigger. RFRFRFRF! I leaped behind my desk. Diesel ran out the door. I randomly pointed the Magnum over the desk and fired twice. Someone yelled. I was empty. The rest of the bullets were across the room. I prayed. Rudy walked around the desk. Johnny was now standing, and so was Charlie. But Johnny looked like he was drunk. His eyes were half closed and his mouth hung open. Charlie pulled me up and Rudy said “Now the only reason I ain’t doin you now is because we got orders prick! And that was to make sure you leave the Mayor’s case alone! Don’t do nothing Capishe?” I just started at him. Rudy looked at Charlie and smiled. Charlie leaned over and punched me some more in the ribs and again in the back of the head, saying
“You F*ck!! You F*ck!!” He was slow and he was stupid, but he was strong. He lifted my head by the hair and sort of shook my head and said “Get out of this case and keep your mouth shut or we’ll turn you into a fu*ing piece of Hamburg!! You got that? You got that fu*k?” I tried to claw into his eyes and I missed. My eyes weren’t working too well, and it was hard too past all the starbursts. Charlie kicked me again, and I was down. There was footsteps and a while later and engine roared downstairs and a car screeched away. Ain’t being a Private Investigator grand?

To be Continued….


So what do you think?? :D :D[/tscii:b90303bb4c]

[Querida]

[tscii:196ae0878f]I really love the gritty humour of your lines: :D


I smiled. He didn’t.


“You dicks always liked it the hard way don’t you?” he asked. I guess he liked using the term ‘dick.’


Charlie and Johnny in the Italian mafia. These guys get creative with their names.


I picked up my Magnum from the desk and hit him hard enough on his nose to break it. But it didn’t.



I was forgetting something, Johnny!


but Johnny was walking towards me reaching into his jacket. This time, I hoped it was a baton.



No one carries Uzi’s usually, but he did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahem...it’s Rottweiler...unless of course you have mutant breed :P

I like how you described how things looked after “seeing stars” makes it more real.

Impeccable capturing of a tense scene:
I randomly pointed the Magnum over the desk and fired twice. Someone yelled. I was empty. The rest of the bullets were across the room. I prayed.

Never miss a beat with that sardonic tone:
Ain’t being a Private Investigator grand?

now i know how Charles Dickens fans felt after reading his serialized novels :roll: :D

if you write it, they will come :P :thumbsup: [/tscii:196ae0878f]

[nirosha sen]

awesome, Dude!! :D That's what my son says, Pa!!

Waiting for the next instalment, ever so patiently too!! 8-)

[Sinthiya]

great Surya...very interesting...

better than Ghajini story... :wink:

keep it up!

:)

[Surya]

Q, Niro, and Sinthiya, :D :D :D

I am honored by ur reviews!! :D


ow i know how Charles Dickens fans felt after reading his serialized novels

I started jumping up and down with joy when I read that!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


if you write it, they will come

Kevin Kosner! 8-) I am honored!!! :D :D :D



Niro and Sinthiya,

The next update will be up by Monday. Tuesday the latest!! 8-)

[gorgeous gaayini]

WOW! U shud publish this story surya!


Charlie looked up and saw the Magnum and looked like he was going to sh*t in his pants.

now that line was just jokes, u made me crack!
neways, waiting for the next chapter.

[rachel]

hi..wow wow surya...

i didn't read your story.
you obviously wrote a lot...i think they must be interesting stories...
well done....... :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
you have a good imaginary power... 8-)



BTW ghajini is just a hit.... :poke:

[P_R]

[tscii:9d35756305]Great going Surya. It's been worth the wait.

You manage a very delicate balance between the exciting narration and the biting sarcasm.

Ain’t being a Private Investigator grand? :rotfl:

I was particularly impressed with your descriptions of the struggle of the senses. Awesome.

Charlie and Johnny in the Italian mafia. These guys get creative with their names. I laughed aloud in the office. I had to be really creative about explaining what is so funny about the logistic regression I was supposedly working on.

But IMO it slightly (ever slow slighly) throws the reader off-balance for a moment.Perhaps I'm being a little narrow and presuming a genre.
I'm eager to find out how you are going to manage the balance hereafter ensuring they don't eat into each other.
I am reasonably sure you'll pull it off. All the best :-)
[/tscii:9d35756305]

[Shakthiprabha.]

[tscii:7e3ab57599]


That’s when Diesel ran in from the balcony and locked his jaw onto a good portion of Johnny’s wrist. Diesel, man’s best friend.


Good command o'er the language. Keep it up. The success lies in u carrying this GRIP all thro the story, which I am sure u would do.

Subtle humour sprinkled at random, vibes well and is so naturally done.

Success of Mysteries n thrillers ALWAYS rely on how unexpected YET convincing the climax is.

TAKE us to an unimaginable twist and U WIN. :)

I love reading thrillers, and mysteries but not ACTION.

WHO KNOWS?! I may include ACTION stories too in my list after reading urs! :)

[/tscii:7e3ab57599]

[Surya]

[tscii:4703af48d8]

T[/tscii:4703af48d8]hank you Prabhu, Rachel, Gaayu, and Shakthi!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

This one isn't long at all, it's just mainly some background info on couple of the charecters, but I'm almost finished with the next set of chaps, and I'll have those up before the start of the week.

PS: Rachel....GAJINI is a BLOCKBUSTER!! :poke:

11.

I stayed there for a few minutes then finally decided to get up when Diesel licked my face. I went up to my knees then to my feet. I had a massive headache, all I felt from my jaw was excruciating pain, my back was stiff, and my kidneys were hurt. I stumbled over to the bathroom and urinated. There was no blood. Kidneys were all right. I flushed, opened the cabinet and threw two aspirins into my mouth, followed by a gulp of water. Then I took two soft gels of ‘Sleep Aid’ and went upstairs to my bedroom, and got under the covers. It was 6:38 pm.

12.

I woke up the next morning at 7:12. My headache was mostly gone, my back was all right, and my kidneys felt fine. But the jaw still hurt badly. I went to the bathroom and looked at it in the mirror. It was bruised just like the one Joe had at Head Royce, except mine was worse. It’s all in the game of Confidential Investigations. Maybe I should write a book.

13.
I brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed and went to the kitchen. Breakfast. I heated the frying pan up and threw four chicken patties on the pan and let it cook. Diesel was lying on the floor next to his bowl. Poor guy, he hadn’t eaten anything either. I hope. I took his bowl and put it on the counter, and got a cold bottle of Budweiser Beer out of the fridge, and filled the bowl with three quarters of the bottle. I don’t drink in the morning, but he does. I took two of the patties off of the pan and put it inside the bowl, and let it soak and soften with the beer. Just the way he likes it. I put the bowl down and he started to work on it, as I worked on mine. Every time I opened my jaw to eat, it throbbed. After eating I took another pair of Aspirins and called James Pain. Pain is the other partner for the Agency. He also owns a Tattoo parlor in San Jose. I know James Pain from the Corps. We served together in Iraq. I did it right after College; he did it after he lost his job with the NYPD for one too many ‘Defensive Murders.’ Case went to trial; he wasn’t convicted, but lost his job for punching a witness when interrogating him on another case. A loose cannon. I know it sounds cliché, but that’s what he was. But he had changed in Iraq. He went from an emotional nut, to a man with little if any feelings. That’s what war does to many people. The things you see in war are nothing like what you’ve ever seen before in movies or stupid shooting computer games. Fighting several battles as a killing machine with no regard to another life changes men. Different people have different ways of dealing with it. Pain went into an emotional coma, I went into therapy, but that helped little with the flashbacks. “Pain’s Tattoo.” Pain answered after the third ring.
“Hey, it’s me.” I said.
“Hey.”
I told him about The Mayor, Allison Powell, Joseph Green, and last but not least, Rudy, Charlie, and Johnny, and the involvement of the Mafia. “You okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’m alright.”
“You need me?”
“Not now, I’m gonna go talk to Ron first, and see where it goes from there.” “You need me, you know where I’ll be.” He hung up. Some partner.

14.
I hung up and called Ron. Ron answered after the second ring.
“Chico, where are you?”
“Why?”
“this is serious, where are you?”
“Your mom’s house.”
“Cut the bullshit, where are you?” Maybe he was serious.
“Home.”
“Okay, stay there, I’ll be there in a couple hours.” Hours?
“What’s going on Ronny?”
“I’m waiting for a couple pricks from the Feds who wanna speak with you.” I knew where this was going.
“FU5K!” I yelled, and my jaw throbbed, I yelled again, but that didn’t help at all.
“What’s the matter?” I told him everything. “Jesus fukin Christ!”
“And you know why the Feds are into this now?”
“No sh*t!”
“Exactly!” There was a long pause. “…Ron, I have to go, I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Alright.” We hung up. My jaw felt worse. I walked over to the freezer and looked for ice. There wasn’t any. I looked at Diesel. He had finished his food and was sleeping on his back with his legs in the air, and puddle of drool on the floor. There are times when I wish I were a dog.

[P_R]

[tscii:f6750427f9]
It’s all in the game of Confidential Investigations. Maybe I should write a book. :)

Poor guy, he hadn’t eaten anything either. I hope. :D

where are you?”
“Your mom’s house.”
“Cut the bullshit, where are you?” Maybe he was serious. :lol:

Surya, the most original humour I have read in these parts is yours.


PS:Paragraph 13 looks very rushed but I suspect there is some design in it :?: [/tscii:f6750427f9]

[Surya]

[tscii:12d7caacd5]
It’s all in the game of Confidential Investigations. Maybe I should write a book. :)

Poor guy, he hadn’t eaten anything either. I hope. :D

where are you?”
“Your mom’s house.”
“Cut the bullshit, where are you?” Maybe he was serious. :lol:

Surya, the most original humour I have read in these parts is yours.


PS:Paragraph 13 looks very rushed but I suspect there is some design in it :?: [/tscii:12d7caacd5]

Thanks!! :D

P 13. What do u mean design? I looks like a lot of stuff consolidated in one part, I agree. I didn't know how else to give an intro to James Pain. But some of the references, like the flashbacks, and so on will be mentioned later in the story. :)

:D :D :D

[NM]

[tscii]
There are times when I wish I were a dog. me too!! :D
great going, surya! keep it up! :D :D

[Lambretta]

[tscii]
There are times when I wish I were a dog. me too!! :D
:rotfl: :rotfl:

[gorgeous gaayini]

Surya: Why dont u just become an author, u'll do gr8!
ur stories are gr8, whens the next chapter releasing?

[Sinthiya]

[tscii]
There are times when I wish I were a dog. me too!! :D
:rotfl: :rotfl:
:lol: ...nice end to the chapter....

keep it up...great!

[NM]

[tscii]
There are times when I wish I were a dog. me too!! :D
:rotfl: :rotfl:
:lol: ...nice end to the chapter....

keep it up...great!
:lol: :lol: :lol: sinthiya n lambretta.....don't u wish the same..sometimes.... :twisted: :twisted:

[Surya]

[tscii:d644f56d92]T[/tscii:d644f56d92]hanks Lord, Gaayu, NM, & Sinthiya! :D :D

Gaayu,
Publish? That's a LOOOOOONG way. Only about a gazillion X Avagardro's Number miles away! :D

NM,
There are seriously some days when I wish I was my dog! :D


Here's the next paras, chaps, whatever. :D

15.

Pain walked into my office. I had my head thrown back on the couch, and I was holding a pack or frozen shrimp to my jaw. I looked up. Pain was in the kitchen putting food on two plates. Pain was 6’3, and looked like a tank, rivaling the Terminator. He was wearing a thin black sleeveless shirt tucked into his black jeans, and black army boots, on the bridge on his nose rested a pair of thick, black sunglasses. Over his shirt hung his leather shoulder holster, which carried a Dan Wesson revolver. I always wear a jacket to cover my holster when I go into public, but he doesn’t bother. He walked to me and placed a plate with vegetable fried rice, with side orders of sweet and sour chicken, and Thai iced tea to drink. “Hey.” I said. He didn’t reply and continued to eat his food. So did I. After we finished Pain broke the silence.
“How’s the jaw?” He asked. He was sitting straight up in his chair staring into the molecules of carbon dioxide and oxygen floating in air.
“It hurts like a bitch!” He slowly nodded. We sat there. Pain isn’t the person you might want to see for a friendly chat. After a half-hour Ron Smith, Greg Bash, the Commissioner, and a couple Federal fuc*s walked in without knocking. Ron Smith was almost as big as Pain, but fell a couple inches short in height, I had once seen him punch through the windshield of a car and pull someone out in Iraq. Bash was a block of solid muscle, he was my height, but he was older. His cheeks sagged down and his lips were pinkish violet. He had thinning bald hair, and was wearing a suit. Pain looked at Ron, and Bash, and didn’t say anything, and walked into the kitchen. Ron looked at Pain and shook his head not liking him. Long Story. Everyone just stood there, Pain turned around, standing at the doorway between the kitchen and the living room leaning against the frame of the door not looking at anything in particular. It was impossible to see his eyes through the glasses, but the angle of his head suggested that he was staring at molecules again.
“Mr. Walker, Mr. Tribiyaani, this is Chicago Tyner. Chico, this is Mr. Josh Walker and Mr. George Tribiyaani, from the OCD.”
Josh Walker smiled. I smiled and gave my hand, and he shook it. “Organized Crime Division Mr. Tyner.” He said. George Tribiyaani didn’t say much. The Feds and Bash took their seats on the couch, Ron and Pike stood on opposite ends of the room. Bash started to talk.
“Alright Tyner, they’re here to talk to you about the Powells.” Bash continued to explain about how Mayor Powell was a high profile person, and how this case was too important for a Private Eye. The Feds sat there and nodded every now and then. Ron rolled his eyes, and James stared. After twelve minutes Bash finished, then the Josh Walker from the FBI started.
“I’m hoping that you understand how serious this is Mr. Tyner, I’m hoping that we will have your cooperation.” A lot of high hopes from me. I didn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“…you don’t have to worry Mr. Walker, I’m very good at what I do.” I said.
“That’s not what concerns us here, Mr. Smith thinks very highly of you and your investigations, we know you’re very good at what you do, but it would be better if we handled the case.” I stared at them.
“Sorry fellas, giving up and running away isn’t the way I work.” I said and got up.
“If you don’t back off, it’s Obstruction of Justice Mr. Tyner!” Georgie spoke for the first time. I sat back down at the edge of my seat and glared at him.
“Georgie.” He gave me a peculiar expression. Ron chuckled. Bash snapped at him with his eyes, and Ron stopped. “This is a personal affair in Mayor Powell’s family. I’ve been personally hired by him to find his daughter. I have all the right to continue with this case. The only person who has any right to tell me what to do is my employer, in this case Mayor Powell. Got it?” I said. Josh stood up and straightened his jacket. I did the same.
“Good Luck Mr. Tyner. We will meet again.” He said and walked out, George following him. After they left, Ron chuckled some more. Bash got up.
“Do you have any idea what the fu*k you just started up here Tyner? Do you know what kind of a shi* storm this could turn out to be?”
“Are we playing Jeopardy?” I asked. He didn’t like that.
“As*hole!!” he said and headed out the door.
“Bash! Tell your wife I said ‘Hi’!” I said. His face tightened. He told me to fu*k myself and went down the stairs. People don’t find my jokes amusing anymore. Maybe I should change my material. Ron walked up to me.
“Sorry about that Chico. There was nothing I could do.”
“It’s alright Ron.”
“Alright, you need anything, you call me. Later.” He said and walked out the door barely fitting through the doorframe. Two groups of people asking me to stop in 2 days. Hmm....I must be getting better! I looked at James, he didn’t say anything, just started at his shoes.

16.
Pain left after a few minutes. I sat there for another half hour, and then went to see Mr. Powell. The honorable Mayor of San Francisco.

17.
The traffic was a little heavy and the road moved pretty slowly. I drove down Market Street for a few minutes. First I passed the humungous San Francisco Shopping Center, working men, soccer moms with babies, teenagers cutting school, and young pretty women walked in and out of the building. Then a series of Strip Clubs, and Porn Theaters rested on one block. About a mile away from the SFSC. Outside the Clubs, there were women who were wearing too much make-up, tight tank tops that were three sizes too small, and leather skirts, which were short enough to be their underwear, leather boots, and small handbags, standing with their legs spread apart, and looking for heated customers coming out of the buildings. Nervous bald married men in their late 40’s walked out of the Strip Clubs, and Porn Theaters, desperately trying to avoid the prostitutes. San Francisco. I turned left on Venice, and went straight to Fisherman’s Warf, which was surprisingly not crowded. I climbed up a few hills, cut off a few horrible drivers in China Town and went down to Downtown SF to the City Hall when a question hit me hard. Where do Mayors work anyway?

To be Continued.... 8-)

[shakthi]

That was good, Surya. Good enough to make me stay back in the office to finish reading it. Keep it up! Hope the other chapters come faster....

[Shakthiprabha.]

eh hope ppl try and differentiate 'shakthi' and 'shakthiprabha'!

[gorgeous gaayini]

WOW SURYA! GR8!

serious man, publishing aint that long, ask others, if u don't fell good enough, just do more and one day u'll get down to publishing, serious! ok this is a comment from a 12 year old kid who doesn't know much about this publishing industry, but ask others, they mite agree. :D

[dev]

Surya,

the story is pretty interesting... waiting for the next chapter...:)

[Surya]

[tscii]Thanks everyone!! :D :D Here's the next few. :)

18.

I called the Mayor and asked him if he was free anytime today. He said he’d meet me at a café across the street from the city hall at 7:00 pm. I asked him if he worked at the City Hall. There was a long pause. Maybe he nodded. After a moment he said yes. I told him I’d be there at 7:00 pm and hung up. I looked at my watch. It was 6:00. I looked behind me through the mirror and saw Johnny driving a Lincoln with Rudy in the Passenger Side and Charlie in the back with two other guys, a couple cars back. I turned right at the next street. So did the Lincoln. I dialed Pain’s number on my cell and made the next right. The Lincoln followed my three cars back. Pain answered on the third ring. “Pain’s Tattoo.”
“James, what’re you doing?” I asked.
“Closing up the shop.”
“I got those guys behind me again man, I can take them on, but they have two more guys with them this time.” I made another right and they followed.
“Where are you?”
“Across the street from the City Hall.” He hung up, so did I. I drove around close to the Café for the next fifteen minutes taking rights and lefts occasionally. They were growing impatient. So was I. I made another right into a dark residential area. The Lincoln accelerated, overtook me, and then cut me off; Charlie was already half out of the car. ‘Mobster Academy, Lesson One: Get out of car before coming to a complete stop to whack the PI.’ I put the Camero in reverse and backed up, but it was too late. Charlie opened the door and pulled me out. “Hey Charlie! How are ya!” I said. He smiled and Head butted me in the face. ‘Lesson Two: Always Smile before Head butting the PI.’ It didn’t hurt much but it made me take a few steps back. Johnny and a new guy grabbed my arms; Charlie and another new guy grabbed my legs, picked me up and slammed me against the hood of my car pinning my arms to the hood, and spreading my legs. I might have screamed. Johnny pulled some duct tape and closed my mouth. I looked around. It was too dark to see anything past a few feet. Rudy walked into my spread legs pulling out a knife and looking at my crotch. I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t like it one bit. ‘Lesson Three: Cut the PI’s dick off before killing him.’
“Dumb Dick!” he said. I screamed as loud as I could, but only muffled noises came out through the duct tape. I tried moving but they had my limbs held tight. Tears started to slowly form in my eyes. I might have screamed “I see the light!” That’s when I saw Pain behind Rudy.

19.
Rudy’s hand went to my belt buckle, and Pain ran up to Rudy and grabbed his face from behind. Pain ripped Rudy away from my groin and swung him around clockwise a couple times, Rudy’s feet left the ground and he screamed. Pain let go of Rudy’s face, and Rudy went flying through the windshield of the Lincoln. Charlie, Johnny and the other two let go of my limbs. Johnny and one of the new guys went for Pain forgetting about me. Charlie and the other just looked at Rudy. Astonished. What? They had never seen an ugly 4ft man fly before? I punched the other guy in the groin. He inhaled and held it in. His face started to turn red, and veins started to pop up on his forehead and neck. That should keep him busy for a while. Charlie flinched back to life and turned around. I kicked his mouth with my shoe. He went back a few steps. I got off of the hood and gave him a spin kick. “HEEYA!!” His head snapped the right and his neck made the noise your knuckles make when you crack them. He screamed, fell down and tried to get up. I kicked him as hard as I could and he fell flat on the road. I looked at the other guy and he was passed out. I looked at Pain and he was searching for Johnny’s and the other guy’s wallets, and they were on the road. Rudy’s face was inside the windshield and his body was on the hood of the car. All this happened in less than 10 seconds.

20.
I walked up to Pain. “Thanks” He nodded looking into Johnny’s Wallet. The ID inside said “John Gambino.” I walked to the front of the Lincoln and pulled Rudy’s legs. His head came out of the windshield and slid off of the hood and hit the ground hard. I turned him over. The 4ft bald man was still alive fortunately but in no position to answer questions. I took his wallet and looked at his ID. “Rudolf Christopher, Age: 44.” Knowing their whole name meant more than it seemed. Knowing their whole name meant knowing their Criminal Record, meant knowing their family, it meant that I had just gotten into the case a lot further than I had ten seconds ago. I looked at Charlie and the other guys. Everyone was out. I sighed and called Ron Smith.

21.
Ron was there with Bash and about twenty blue Uniforms in ten minutes. I called the Mayor and told him that I’d meet him first thing tomorrow morning. I wasn’t going tell him what had happened just yet. I was leaning against the Camero and looking at the paramedics taking the unconscious Italians into two ambulances. Pain was inside his Toyota staring at nothing out the windshield through his black sunglasses, maybe they were night vision. Ron walked up to me after dealing with the ambulance. “Damn Chico, tell me. What happened?” I did. He nodded and a guy behind him was writing it down, after I finished he left. Ron stood there trying to figure out what they had to do with the Mayor’s daughter.
“Ron, I need you to look up a Rudolf Christopher, and John Gambino. I want to know their Criminal Record, and also the family they belong to in Frisco.” He nodded.
“I’ll let you know first thing tomorrow.”
“I don’t like where this is going at all Ron.”
“No sh*t!”
“First they just beat me up. It’s serious, but not that serious. Mafia Thugs do that everyday. But today, they were going to kill me. They would’ve if it wasn’t for James. This makes sh*t a lot more serious than it already is.”
“Maybe you outta listen to Bash, and the Feds.”
“No way. Allison is my responsibility. I’m in this now, and I need to finish it. I owe it to the girl and Mr. Powell. No matter what happens, I’m in it to the end. These pricks made sure of that today.”
“You’re fu*king crazy Chico!” Maybe I was. But I couldn’t just sit around knowing that a young girl’s life was in danger, and I didn’t do anything about it, even though I could’ve. Maybe that made me insane. Maybe I was.

[Querida]

[tscii:c5adcc4d96]Hey Surya you know i'm your fan but man i always looking for you to improve k?

Yeah GG research would help your opinion...publishing is a brutal business...it's talent only when they see it that way.

Who’s Pike? Who’s James? (yeah it’s Pain...but I found that out from scrolling way up)
You can see from my questions, you will have to work out how to more smoothly organize such meetings of many minor character...you capture the atmosphere very well I can almost see the tension, but as for back and forth between new characters as well as change of addressed name make it complicated for a reader


Nervous bald married men in their late 40’s
Uh oh is that a stereotype? :P

Good one. Of all the things to stare at:
he was staring at molecules again.

You know Surya people can have normal names that don’t connote their personality/character...really :roll: :D


People don’t find my jokes amusing anymore. Maybe I should change my material. (haha not yet anyways :lol: )


There was a long pause. Maybe he nodded. After a moment he said yes. (very good observation of innate behaviour) :)


‘Mobster Academy, Lesson One: Get out of car before coming to a complete stop to whack the PI.’Great line need to begin or intercede with this line than put it in the middle of action.


What? They had never seen an ugly 4ft man fly before? (classic) 8-)

For more emphasis you should state this indirectly rather than directly:
All this happened in less than 10 seconds.


staring at nothing out the windshield through his black sunglasses, maybe they were night vision. :lol:

Very good can see some parts rushed but you handle complicated action scenes with skill...good way of packing punch into lines...your observations of daily habits is uncanny....you think you know Chico but you don't so you still hooked...:thumbsup: [/tscii:c5adcc4d96]

[Surya]

THANKS!!


but as for back and forth between new characters as well as change of addressed name make it complicated for a reader.

:lol: Srry abt that. :oops:

:D :D

[Sinthiya]

great Surya! :) ...love the fight scene...

[pooja.shankar]

SURYA ......GOOD WORK

[kb]

Surya super abbu..

neenga pesaama james pain endra paela novel ezhuthalaam... suryanu paer pota vaanga maataanga. intha oorla :lol:

libraryla victoria'ssecret website paakarathu... vegetable fried rice..tribbiyani(friends How ya doing :lol:) .. unna kaatikuduthuduchi..
eppidi enga detective work :wink:

gud work waiting for next chapters.. :clap: :clap: :thumbsup:

[Surya]

kb machi!! :D :D :D

THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH FOR READING!! :D :D :D I didn't think I was gonna get any new readers since it was so into the book...but I stand corrected! :D :D :D :D


libraryla victoria'ssecret website paakarathu.

Just for the record...this was completly fictional, I don't do any of this!! :P :P


eppidi enga detective work

Pesaame neenge KB - World's #1 Detective-nu oru agency aaramikkalaam pola! :D :D

Thanks a bunch again! :D I've been writing...I'll most prolly post it tonight or tomm! :D


Sinthiya, Pooja,
Thanks for reading! :D :D :D I'll post the rest today prolly! :D :D

[Surya]

There isn't much action in this one...but the next one is gonna ROCK ALL OF UR SOCKS....if ur wearing any...:P

22.[/tscii:bd9ba6684b]
After getting everything possible from the site, we were free to go home. We said our goodbyes and left. It was 9:46pm. I stopped by at a Mexican place near my place called ‘Gonzales.’ I had a Rice and Bean Burrito and some sort of Mexican Beer. It tasted like piss. Oh well. I finished it, went did some push-ups, brushed my teeth, and fell asleep.

23.
I woke up at 7:00 the next morning, brushed my teeth, took a shower, ate cheerios, and was admiring how handsome I looked in the mirror when the phone rang. I picked up on the fourth ring. “Hello.”
“Chico..” It was Ron.
“Yeah.”
“I got a positive ID on the guys from last night.”
“Yeah..”
“They’re street scum for the Piolini Family.”
“Anthony Piolini from….” I paused.
“Exactly…from Sacramento. They don’t even belong in Frisco.”
“So they were out of their own Mafia Jurisdiction unle..”
“Unless the Viti Family of Frisco knew they were there. So either they’re fucked with the Viti street rats, or with us.” Great minds think alike.
“Fucked from both sides…Can I talk to them?”
“Come down any time.”
“I’ll be there.” I hung up put on my coat, and went downstairs to the parking lot and took Market again to the Station. If these guys were from Sac, then they had to have been here without the knowledge of the Viti street watchers. If the Viti guys knew what has happening then that information maybe easier to access. Either way, I was getting somewhere.

24.
I got there in an hour. I should have taken the highway, but at 7:30 in the morning, every part of San Fran was crowded. I parked at a spot which was reserved for Bash, and walked in. The pretty blonde receptionist smiled, I smiled back. “Hi Chico!”
“It’s CT!” She giggled and went back to her paperwork. I smiled and walked into the sidestepping doors. On the other side Pain stood like a pillar with his arms folded. I walked closer to him and asked “How’d you know?”
“Ron called.”
“Since when does Ron call you?” I asked. He shrugged starring at something right above my head. Maybe I was wearing a Santa hat I wasn’t aware of. I saw Ron walk out of his office.
“I’ll be right with you in a sec Chico.” He said and walked past me. I turned and stood next to Pain. We waited for a few minutes. People walked back and forth gave us weird looks. Maybe I could wear Pain’s glasses and pretend I was invisible. Ron finally showed up. “Follow me.” He said. We did. We walked to the interrogation room, and Josh Walker and George Tribiyaani from the FEDS walked out giving us a High School Basketball court glare. I gave them the James Pain and started at their hair as we walked passed each other. We then walked into the gray color Interrogation Room, with a mirrored wall. Rudy sat in an uncomfortable metal chair and looked to the ground. Other than Rudy, it was me, Pain and Ron. “Is anyone watching us?” I asked. Ron shook his head. I closed the door and took a seat in front of him. “Rudy…” He didn’t look up. “Oh Rooody…” he didn’t move. I looked at Pain. Pain walked up to him. Rudy got nervous and looked at Pain. A 6’3 tank made of humungous muscles. Rudy’s eyes then came to me. I smiled. He eyes stayed on me. Maybe I was a more friendly face to look at. “Do you know where you are? In Frisco.” He nodded. “Do you know where in Frisco? Market.” He nodded again. “Do you know who runs the shit on Market?” He nodded again. “Do they know that the Paolini guys all the way from Sacramento are fucking around in Market?” He didn’t say anything. “Ron, call Eddie, from the Viti Family.” I had no clue who Eddie was. “I think he’d like to know about this.” Rudy’s mouth twitched and he sort of smiled. It was faint, but it was there. “Oh! So they know?” The smile disappeared. “I got no more use for this guy.” I said and got up. James walked out and I followed him. Ron walked behind us and closed the door on his way out. “Run a Lie Detector on him and let me know later today.”
“We already did!” What?
“Wha..why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“To let you do your thang!” he said and laughed so loud the whole hall shut up and looked our way. Pain almost smiled. I’d almost never seen him smile. I shook the embarrassment off of me and asked,
“So what did you come up with?”
“They know…” Ron said nodding.
“Viti knows?!” I asked. He nodded.
“What the fuck is going on here? What else did you get?”
“Nada.”
“What?” I was getting annoyed.
“He has no idea where the girl is…but he was hired by Viti’s guys, that’s our speculation. We can’t ask him everything on a poly!” I nodded.
“So who are the Viti guys around here?”
“The one with the biggest higher connections is Jimmy.” I laughed. “Jimmy Romos, runs the “Wild Horse” Strip Club on Market, about a mile from the SFSC.”
“Get anything on him?”
“Nope. He’s clean. I can’t go on with this anymore, I got Rudy under Assault.”
“Gotcha. I’ll see ya later. I’m gonna talk to this Jimmy.”
“Later Chico.” We said our goodbyes and started towards the door. Jimmy Romos. Wild Horse Strip Club was my next stop.

[terminator]

Surya :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Querida]

walked out giving us a High School Basketball court glare. I gave them the James Pain and started at their hair as we walked passed each other.

what happens here? I'm sorry I didn't get the reference :)

good transition chapters...didn't lose the story nor make it boring

uhhh do i really want to read the next chapter? :shock: :P

[Surya]

Thanks Termi and Q!! :D :D :D Srry for the late reply, I was in India for the past month. :)


what happens here? I'm sorry I didn't get the reference :)

Well...it's supposed to be funny. When I wrote it I imagined it in slow motion. The feds give tyner the look that kids give eachother on B-ball courts in High School. Supposed to be fierce, cocky etc etc. Tyner gives them the James Pain Trademark look, which is just looking somewhere above their heads....:P Um..yeah.



Where are my other Readers???? :cry: :cry: :( Come on Machies and Ninjaz!!! 8-)

[terminator]

We are here Surya..

Waiting for the next chapters... Machi..Come it with as early as possible..

[Poppoy]

Will this clock tick any more...

[Surya]

Pretty soon.....srry..finals r killin me....:(

[ab_123]

Good writing. :thumbsup:

[Poppoy]

Pretty soon.....srry..finals r killin me....:(
All the best for ur finals :thumbsup:

[Ghlli]

ahhh i'm lost....i havnt been visitng this part of the hub for ages....lotsa catching up to dooo

i wonder whts been happening

[Surya]

Thanks Poppoy, and abc!! :D :D :D

Gaayu,
Basically, the girl is still kidnapped. Chicago and James are trying to figure out where or who might have done it.

It turns out that another mob might be doing things in places that are out of it's jurisdiction. But is it done with the permission of the local family or not? Chicago Tyner is going to talk to the owner of a Strip Club who has connections with the mob.

That's all so far. :)



All the best for ur finals :thumbsup:

Thanks! I'm gonna need it...:P :lol:

[Ghlli]

strip club? omg this is suitable for a 12 year old! :lol: lolzzzzz intrestingggggggggg, i shall start reading them.

[Surya]

Hmm....well......I have toned that part down a LOT since I have a 12 year old reading it @ the hub! :P

[Ghlli]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: no probs i'v proli read worse things than that which are in my school library :rotfl:

[Surya]

:evil:

[Ghlli]

:huh:

[Surya]

CHECK IT OUT!!

Thanks to Paint! :P I created a Cover for The Iraqi Wallclock.

Cover (http://images3.orkut.com/images/album/3/775/7228775.jpg)

[crazy]

when is the next update? :roll:

good going :thumbsup: :clap: :clap:

[ArulprakasH]

CHECK IT OUT!!

Thanks to Paint! :P I created a Cover for The Iraqi Wallclock.

Cover (http://images3.orkut.com/images/album/3/775/7228775.jpg)

It looks great Surya.. :clap:

[Poppoy]

Pretty soon.....srry..finals r killin me....:(

are you still busy with your finals?

[Surya]

Termi! :D

Thanks Machi! :D

poppy,
No, @ This point, I've forgotten where I was taken the story..:banghead: :cry: I'm coming up with a Direction for the Story now! :roll: Srry abt that. :oops:

Either Way, I'll have the next Chaps up by Tommrow the Latest! :D 8-)

[Surya]

[tscii:4a902b4870]W[/tscii:4a902b4870]HEW!! CHICAGO TYNER AND JAMES PAIN ARE BACK AFER A 4 MONTH VACATION! :roll: :oops:


I know it's been a while guys...Srry about that. Frequent updates are coming up. :D

I'm trying to finish TIW this month so I can start my next thing by August before the Academic year starts again! :roll:

Anywayz,
tell me what u think...

25.
I took Market again and went to the SFSC. Ron was right, "Wild Horse Strip Club" was just a few seconds away from the SFSC. I drove back and parked behind the club and walked around. I opened the door, and the loud chatter, and music hit me. It was crowded. It was Monday morning. It was San Francisco. I walked in and an overgrown monstrosity asked to see my ID. I showed him my driver's license, and he sidestepped. Pushing my way through the tables, I came to a stage. A gorgeous topless brunette with an agonizingly beautiful body had her great legs wrapped around a pole with her right hand holding her up, and her left playing with her hair. SIGH! I looked around and saw two doors at the back. One said 'Dancers' and the other said 'Manager.' Hmm… I decided to go inside the one that said 'Manager.' The manager was on the other side of the club talking to someone. I opened the door and went in. It was a nice room with a Pool Table in the middle, paintings on the white walls, a few love seats, a couch and a desk on the other side of the room with an Italian mobster sitting on it with a drink in his hand talking to an attractive blonde. He didn't seem to notice me come in. I slammed the door. He looked in my direction. That's a start. "Mr. Jimmy?" I said. He looked at the pretty blonde and whispered something. She kissed him and walked towards the door smiling at me. I smiled back.
"Can I help you?" He asked.
"Mr. Christopher sent me to tell you that he got arrested.” He started to look worried. “Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be back on the street today.”
"Who the f*ck is that?"
"You don't know Rudy?" He looked at the ground, and then it hit him a few seconds later.
"I don't know who that is…"
“Oh…Ok…uhm, sorry for bothering you then.” I said and walked out of the room. He knew that Rudy was out, I had a feeling he’d make contact…

26.
On my way back to the Police Station, I called Pain and asked him to wait for me outside the Police Station. Jimmy now knows that Rudy was snatched, and now is left free. I had a gut feeling that he’d try to communicate with Rudy sometime today.

27.
I got there in an hour.. I drove up around the back of the building where I saw Pain’s Jeep. I rolled my window down and so did he. “We’re going to follow Rudy.” He nodded. “They’ve seen my car so we should probably go in your Jeep” I said. He nodded again. I got out, went around and got inside. “So What’d you do today?”
“Tattoos.” This was going to a long wait.

28.
After about an hour of waiting for Rudy, Rudy walked out wearing his horrible clothes. He signaled a Taxi, got in and the Taxi started to drive. We tailed him hiding behind four cares in his lane. When we got there, James drove past the Taxi and parked a few yards ahead, Rudy got out of the taxi to see Jimmy and a couple of his goons standing outside the Motel. We did our surveillance through the rear-view mirrors. Jimmy said something, and the two goons took Rudy inside the Motel, by his arm. Hmm… A few seconds later Pain put his Dessert Eagle inside his Holster and opened the door. “No, hold on James…Let’s wait and see what happens.”


29.
A few minutes later the two goons and Jimmy came outside and drove away in their Escalade. I took their License Plate number down on my forearm and waited for them to get out of sight before we went inside. For all I know, Allison Powell might be in there right now. Not likely but stranger things have been known to happen.


To Be Continued.......right away..:P

[crazy]

[tscii:507b559eb3]W[/tscii:507b559eb3]HEW!! CHICAGO TYNER AND JAMES PAIN ARE BACK AFER A 4 MONTH VACATION! :roll: :oops:

:lol: :lol: :lol:


To Be Continued.......right away..:P

:clap: :clap: :thumbsup:

[ArulprakasH]

:clap: :clap: Post the next chapter soon.. cant wait..

[Surya]

30.[/tscii:c9e4b86665]

Rudy’s room was on the left on the second floor of the cheap motel. We stood in front of his door. We knocked. “Who is it?”
“Your Guardian Angel Rudy!”
“Get the fuck outta here!” I guess he looked through the peephole.
“Open the door Rudy, we don’t want to kick it in now!” I said, as James backed up getting ready to kick.
“Leave me alone you fucking dicks!” I looked and Joe and moved back. He kicked the door in and the laser pointer coming form his gun was on Rudy’s forehead. Rudy froze.
“Aww..shit! Oh SHIT!” I closed the door, and went inside. Rudy sat there looking constipated and ready to cry. I sat in front of him.
“Rudy, I’m sick and tired of getting the run around…so now, I got questions, and u give me answers alright? And if you don’t….then Joe here pulls the trigger and it looks like Jimmy and them did you here because the guy downstairs saw them but didn’t see us…Capish?” He still looked constipated. I slapped him. He started crying. I saw blood flowing down from the back of his head. “Oh shit! They did get rough with you didn’t they?” He was still crying. I grabbed his head with both my hands. “Okay…alright, now you’re going to answer my questions alright?” he nodded. “Why are you here from Sacramento? Why are the Frisco Guys helping you out? Where is the girl? What’s your motive?” He was sobbing…Sigh!!

31.
A few minutes, and a couple cups of water later, Rudy was ready to talk. I imagined what Opera would say now. ‘There’s a little child inside this short man’ maybe? I went back to the questions and asked them again. “What’s the Motive Rudy?”
“What’s the motive behind any kidnapping?”
“Why hasn’t there been a demand yet?”
“Are you sure that there hasn’t been one yet?” Maybe we were playing a game where you answer questions with questions that I wasn’t aware of. I slapped him again. Not very sportsman like, but I didn’t care.
“Stop fucking around Rudy! Gimme straight answers you got it?!” I said when my phone rang. It was from Ron. I picked up. “Hey Ron, what’s up?”
“Mr. Powell got a call today.” I looked at Rudy, he was touching the wound on the back of his head.
“What is it?”
“Withdrawing from the election.”
“What?”
“They wanted him to withdraw from the election.”
“Who?”
“The Kidnappers.”
“Who are they?”
“At this point, our hunch is that it’s the Sac Mafia.”
“So the Sacramento Mafia Family kidnaps Mr.Powell’s daughter because they want him to….” I had a spark and it sort of clicked. “Ron, I’ll call you in a bit.” I hung up and went back to Rudy. “What do you guys have against Mr. Powell winning the election?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Is it because he vowed to wipe out organized Crime from San Francisco?”
“What? Look…”
“So why are you in it then? Sac is out of Powell’s jurisdiction.”
“I don’t know..”
“MOTHERFU*KER!!” I pulled my Magnum out and hit the back of his head with the butt strong enough to bite like a bitch, and not strong enough to knock him out. He screamed and fell from the bed. I kicked him once, he screamed again. I got the pillow from the bed and put it over his face, so he couldn’t breathe. Muffled noises came out of the pillow. After a few seconds I took it off and pushed the barrel of the Magnum into this mouth. “You don’t know Rudy? Please tell me that you are of some use to me if you want to live!” I yelled like I was insane, but not loud enough for the guy downstairs to hear me. “Do u have something to tell me or not?!” He nodded, looking constipated again. “Ok…” I pulled the gun from his mouth. “So what’s going on?”
“The local guys…” He sniffed. “don’t want Powell to get elected.”
“Why?” It was starting to make sense.
“Haven’t you been reading the news u prick?” I reached for my Magnum again. “Okay! Alright! It’s because of his policies with Organized Crime.” Powell had made speeches where he said ‘Organized Crime are like Termites to San Francisco’s economy’ and had promised to end it. So the Frisco guys had asked the Sac guys to help out, and that’s when Rudy and Co pitched in.
“So where is Allison now?” I sat in front of him.
“Oh come one man…I don’t know.” I took my Magnum again.
“What?”
“I really don’t know!” I slapped him with the back of my left hand. He sobbed. “I really don’t know!” I put shoved the barrel of my magnum into his throat and he chocked.
“I’m not fucking around Rudy!!” Muffled noises came out of his mouth. I pulled the barrel out.
“She’s in a fukin farmhouse in Davis man!”
“Address Rudy.”
“You take the Washington Street exit, go for two miles, and turn right on MLK Blvd. It’s the only building around for miles.” He was starting to break into tears again. Poor Guy. I wrote it down.
“Thanks Rudy!” I said and hit him with the butt of my revolver and knocked him out. The things I have to do in this business. Joe and I tied him up and tossed him out the balcony, and he fell into the garbage container. We sneaked out without getting spotted, and went back and put Rudy in our trunk. I felt like I was in the Mob…This stuff happens in my line of work.…. I went across and took the driver's seat, and Pain sat next to me.

"You acted pretty insane in there." He said
"Yeah?" He nodded. "Insanity works sometimes...."

To Be Continued…..

[crazy]

surya :clap: :clap:

aama titleukkum unga storykkum enna sambandham? :roll:

[Surya]

Thanks crazy! :D

Athu climax-le theriyum. :wink: Uhm..also incase u missed it, Chicago Tyner has an Iraqi Wallclock in his office, which he bought in Iraq during the period he served there when he was in the US Marines. :P

[crazy]

Thanks crazy! :D

Athu climax-le theriyum. :wink: Uhm..also incase u missed it, Chicago Tyner has an Iraqi Wallclock in his office, which he bought in Iraq during the period he served there when he was in the US Marines. :P

oh i missed it sorry!

anyway waiting for the next update :)

[Surya]

[tscii:db5e21abe5]3[/tscii:db5e21abe5]2.

Davis was a farm town, a few exits before Sacramento, about a three-hour drive if you followed the speed limit. With a short ugly mobster in the trunk, we figured that it would be a good idea to follow the rules for the moment. We took the exit that Rudy told us about, and we could see the farmhouse. It was the only building standing the middle of acres and acres of crops and nothing else. We followed the dirt road, which led towards the house, and I asked Pain to pull under a huge tree about a mile away from the house and killed the lights, so that we would turn invisible in the dark. “I’ll go check first, and I’ll come back. We call Ron tell him where we are. If I don’t come back in the next hour, then you call Ron and tell him where we are. Okay?” he nodded. I got out the car, and made sure that I had my Holster and Magnum. I did. I checked the time. It was 8:53pm. I started towards the Farmhouse.

33.

I jogged most of my way there and got there in nine minutes. A nine-minute mile, something my high school track coach would’ve been ashamed about. But you do what you can. A few meters away from the house, I slowed down and walked trying not to make a big deal about the crunching of dry leaves. Unknown pests slithered around my neck, and I just waved them away. The light was on, and loud Opera music from some guy came out. These guys never change. I looked around, and slowly went to the door and put my ear next to it. The Opera Music was clearer. Hmm.. I walked to the right of the house, where there was a window from which light came through. I crouched, and walked under the window and peeped in. It was a warehouse filled with unopened cans of insecticides, and other farming tools. In the middle there was a huge pool table, with all the balls in the sockets. A wooden table that had empty beer bottles, cards, and things that looked like automatic pistols, but no mobsters. I turned around and heard a click, which sounded a lot like another automatic pistol. I froze. My stomach turned.
“Don’t move you prick!” I stayed still. He came closer and put his left hand on the side of my abdomen and felt my holster. He reached in and pulled it out. If I was James Bond, I could have elbowed him in the jaw, not get shot, turn around and use my silenced pistol to shoot his neck. But I was Chicago Tyner. World’s best detective. Not the best secret agent. They take different courses in College. “Turn around!” I did. It was someone new, I hadn’t seen him before. He put my Magnum in his pocket, and grabbed my shirt and pulled me away from the window. I followed. We went around, and he knocked on the door. “It’s Franky! Open the fuckin’ door!” Franky. I sighed. The door opened, the Opera Music hit my face and a large man looked at me.
“What the fuck?!” We went inside. Five guys sat around another table, with plates, pizza and beer. “Who the fuck is this?” The guy who opened the door asked.
“He’s the prick that Rudy, Charlie and Johnny told us about.” Franky replied. A door opened inside, and after I saw who it was, I had a feeling that I was going to die tonight. It was Henry Hunt. He had been in the papers a few times for various reasons, he was the Al Pacino of the Frisco Family. Known to be ruthless, and very good in getting out of murder cases that were filed against him. In the past three years, after he started taking care of the family after his father, the Friscan Family went from being known as a dying organization, to being dangerous, and ruthless. Although it still lacks the kind of manpower that is needed to make it an effective organization, the fact that they were getting stronger was undeniable. People in the force said he might be the new Capone, who was trying to bring the old days back. He was 6’5, 300 lbs, and had balding black hair. He had leathery white skin that sagged down his face, making him look angry all the time. His face had projected a sort of cruelty that once existed in the faces of Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and Stalin. He looked at me…I swallowed. Fear crept up my back and I started to sweat.
“Bring him here.” He said and disappeared behind a shelf. I looked at my watch, I had another forty-nine minutes before Pain called the Police. I got pulled behind the shelves, and I saw Henry Hunt sitting on a black couch, and Allison Powell sitting on a wooden chair with her hands tied. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying and she had healing bruises on her jaw. I had found her. Now all I had to do was get her out surpassing Henry Hunt, and eight other mobsters.


To Be Continued.....


Tell me what u think...where are my readers?! :cry2:

[crazy]

story going great, surya :thumbsup: :clap:

[Querida]

[tscii:81708ced25]Hey Surya....wow had quite an amount to catch up on, again some suggestions to help you hone your skills:

Ruthless is a great word but do try and use some others:
-brutal, merciless, etc.


“he was the Al Pacino of the Frisco Family”Here instead of saying Al Pacino can name the character he played in say Godfather…I’m sure your fans who like this genre would surely know


“He’s the prick that Rudy, Charlie and Johnny told us about”
“cruelty that once existed in the faces of Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and Stalin”Sometimes you only need one example…so pick the best and use that one.


“balding black hair”

Had black/dark hair surrounding his crown/cowl/baldspot…had dark hair only on his sides?

Well you accomplished the number one rule that authors all wish for: to keep their reader's interest...which you have done really well...even handling those tricky transitions well...but please do tell me that, that clock won't end up showing up in say.....some gangster/ex-marine room...
[/tscii:81708ced25]

[Surya]

Thanks Crazy and Q! :D

Q,
The Clock has already appeared in Tyner's Apartment earlier in the story...:oops:

[Querida]

Thanks Crazy and Q! :D

Q,
The Clock has already appeared in Tyner's Apartment earlier in the story...:oops:

Hey Surya! First from this fan to a writer, you're very welcome..it was my pleasure! And yes i was saying if the clock appeared again in someone else's room it would be a coincidence! :P

[ArulprakasH]

Great Going Surya... :clap:

Expecting More from U :P

[Surya]

[tscii:5d84a27021]3[/tscii:5d84a27021]4.

“So you’re Chicago Tyner eh?” He asked. I nodded.
“Nice to meet’cha.” I licked my bottom lip. Something hit my neck hard and I fell down, my head throbbed, and my neck stung. Franky grabbed me up by my shirt and shook me. I rubbed my neck and looked at Henry Hill.
“Go fuk yourself!” So he wasn’t the friendly kind of ruthless murderous mobster. I looked at Allison, she was looking at the ground with the tears starting again. Henry Hill got up and walked to a table and poured himself a glass of Brandy with an ice cube. Sipping it he walked back to the couch. “You’ve really been a fukin annoying pest you know that?” I didn’t answer. Franky hit me again and I fell down this time, all the way, with my face on the cold concrete floor. I got picked up again, and shaken. I touched my neck and it stung even more, and sent painful vibrations to my head. “Answer the fukin question!” I wanted to smash Franky’s balls with my knee, but now wasn’t the time. I nodded. “Now you know where we’re keeping the fuckin twip…I don’t got a choice.” He finished his cup and set it on the table. “Sh*t falls down you know kid?” He asked and looked at Franky. “I gotta go. Do what you want with him, and finish him off.” The hits to the neck finally caught up with me combing with my death sentence and my head started to spin. He walked up to me. “Now everyone’ll know who we are won’t they?” I started to hyperventilate. He smiled and dug his fist into my stomach. I let out a puff of air and fell to my knees coughing. Things around me started to dim, my stomach turned and my back felt like it had lost a piece of it’s spine. I tried to get up, but fell sideways, and my eyes closed.

35.
I woke up on a chair, with Franky and another guy looking at me. Allison had passed out, or maybe she was sleeping. My mouth hung open and I looked at them through half open eyelids. What the hell did he hit me with? Franky picked up a screwdriver off of the glass coffee table and walked towards me. My eyes opened a little more. Whatever it was I wasn’t going to like it.
“Franky…come on…don’t….don’t do this.” I said. He chuckled and came closer. I felt like throwing up when I heard something which made me come back to life. “SFPD!! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! OPEN THE DOOR!!” The pain in me neck, and head vanished. My eyes opened completely. I looked at Franky who turned around. The other one reached inside his jacket. I jumped out of my chair and dug my first two knuckles as hard as I could into his left eye. He screamed and I punched him again and he was down. The door bursted open in the next room and shots started firing. Franky grabbed me with his powerful arms and pinned me to the wall. Shots were still being fired in the other room. Franky punched my jaw once. I heard Allison scream. Taking the punch and looked at him reach into his shoulder holster. I grabbed his arm with my left, and gave him my best right hook. He yelled and let go of the holster. I punched him again and he lost balance and started stepping back. Shots were still firing in the next room. How long does killing 4 mobsters take for the SFPD? It was now or never! I reached into his jacket and pulled out a stainless steel 9mm Beretta and Franky fell back. Allison screamed again. “Allison close you eyes!!” She did. Franky tried to get up. I pointed the Beretta somewhere around his chest and fired once. His body flinched and he looked up at me. The firing in the other room stopped. I fired again, he flinched again and looked at me with the emotionless expression that he’d seen often. I pulled the trigger again, and again. Each time felt better than the last, and with each shot he went a step back. I fired again one last time and he jumped back and fell flat on the glass coffee table shattering it into a million pieces as Pain and Lou ran into the room. Franky was dead, Allison was found, and after decades, I had killed another human being.


To Be Continued...... CLIMAX COMING IN THE NEXT COUPLE CHAPS!! :redjump: The story should end in the next 4-5 chaps..:)

[crazy]

:)

thank god u wrote....................i almost forgot the story :oops:

[Surya]

:oops: I know..I'm sending Tyner and Pain on too many vacations!! :roll: :P Almost done though! :P

[crazy]

:oops: I know..I'm sending Tyner and Pain on too many vacations!! :roll: :P Almost done though! :P

:D anyway looking forward to ur climax

[chevy]

i voted too ...

[chevy]

[tscii:8812066ac7]i still havn;t finished readin the whole thing ..

but so far my comments ----


Simply superb. Really. Looks highly original though your imagination seems to be inspired by thriller books like those by jeff. Arch , Grisham, etc . I saw you had designed a cover page for this novel venture of yours. and put it in orkut .. If this is going to be a novel , all the very best. Any idea how you are going to get this published?

I just read this much. I read pretty fast but Got less time these days to stay infront of the PC. Just come online for five to ten minutes but
This type of “minnal” visit takes place several times a day. LOL.

I will def. read the whole thing and post my views soon.

I wanted to know what “holm” and “Cougar Magnum” and “holster” means.
Also in chapter one , is “Rambo didn’t want any bumps on his smooth election champagne” supposed to be “ election campaigns” .?

( inspired by thou , I designed around three or four different cover pages for my stuff and stored it in my PC. I Guess I’ll be the sole admirer of it… till luck favors me )

Great! marvelous! Wonderful! Excellent! Terrific! Stupendous! Incredible! Out of this world! Awe-inspiring! Remarkable! striking! Talent Exposed! I’ll learn more superlative adjectives and be back!


[/tscii:8812066ac7]

[Surya]

:omg: Chevy!

:ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :ty: :D :D :D :D

Eagerly Expecting ur review after reading the whole thing! :D :D

Nah, this isn't anywhere near to publishing material though...I think i proly will end up publishing it when I'm like 35 or so after I've edited it a gazillion times..:P

Post the links to the covers of ur stories! :D Covers for stories with Supernatural Stuff!! :redjump:

I just did mine with Paint. I wish I had Photoshop or somthing to make it look better. :D

[Wibha]

:cool2: ...i am not done wid da reading thou

[Surya]

Do let me kow after u are! :D

I'm finishing up the last paras now..:P

[Surya]

Chevy,
Cougar Magnum is a Powerful Revolver...I think it's one of the most powerful ones..

Shoulder Holster is a strap that you wear on ur shoulder which will hold the pistol. :D

holm? :huh:

[Surya]

[tscii:4d339c8938]H[/tscii:4d339c8938]ere is the Next few...

Hopefully I'll finish the Story before Thanksgiving! :D I'm like 2 paragraphs away from finishing it.

I wrote 3 more chaps after what i'm about to post, but didn't post those three chaps because it didn't stick well...:roll: :P

36.
We went back to the Station and a couple ambulances carried the corpses of seven mobsters to the hospital. I told them what had happened in the farmhouse, and I was free to go home after my defense plea, a look at my crystal clear record, and Lou's recommendation. I went home, watched some TV with Diesel on the couch and went to sleep around 3:00am with the help of 'Sleep Aid.'

37.
The next day I went to the station around noon. I went in, and straight back to Lou's Office. Lou was behind his desk writing something on a pad, and Allison was in the Mayor's arms on a couch, and the wife was sipping her cup of coffee as she sat close to Allison on the other side. They had been there all night. So were the Mayor and his wife. The Mayor looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and looked at Allison. "Hi Allison. How're you doing?"
"Good…How is your neck?"
"A little sore, but it's alright…" I nodded and took a chair in front of Lou. "So what's new?"
"Nothing…"
"No word on the big guy?"
"uh-huh." He shook his head still writing on his notepad. I heard faint talking coming from the couth.
"He is still out there Lou…He isn't going to disappear." Lou closed his notepad, put the pencil away and looked up.
"We're trying our best…but if it wasn't for you, we would've never gotten the girl back Chico…We owe you one." Owe me one…that goes a long way in my line of work. "Bash feels the same way, but you know him…he never says that kinda shit to anyone.." I nodded.
"Lou…" the Mayor said behind me. Lou looked up and I turned around. "There is a Denny's a couple blocks down, Allison, my wife and I would like to go get some breakfast."
"We could have it come to you Mr. Powell.."
"No, we're really sick and tired of being stuffed in this room all night, we'd like to go out and walk to Denny's." The man's daughter was stuffed in a Warehouse for the past week, and this guy can't stay in an Air Conditioned room for more than one night?
"Okay, we're gonna have to send a couple of our guys with you though…" Lou said.
"that's not…"
"Cardoza! Preznall!" Lou yelled outside his office before the Mayor could finish. Two blue suits walked in. I had known Cardoza and Preznall from an earlier case. Cardoza was 32 years old. 5'9, Lean toned, and had a short spiky black hair. Preznall was a man of 43 years, buff, with hands that looked too big for the Uniform's sleeve. He had gelled blonde hair pushed back which made him look like a fat banana. "I want you guys to escort the Mayor and his family to Denny's, stay with them, and bring them back." They nodded. Lou looked up at the mayor and smiled. The mayor frowned and Allison got up.
"Have a good breakfast…" I said. Mr. Powell looked at me.
"Mr. Tyner," He smiled again. "I would love to take some time to appreciate your work after I return..and there is still the remainder of your fee." I smiled back.
"I actually need to go see a friend of mine today, may I drop by this evening?"
"Sure thing!" We nodded shook hands and they walked out. I turned back to Lou.
"So you got no leads huh? The girl didn't know anything?"
"She doesn't remember anything…She woke up in the warehouse and was kept there, we have that house taped now and our men are there investigating…" I nodded.
"We gotta nail him quick…we can't let them get on with their lives until we do!"
"Yeah..but how do we do that chico? Everyone we had a complete profile on is dead." I nodded again looking at the wooden desk. "But we're working on it…we'll nail the shithead soon.."
"Alright…" I got up. "I'm gonna take off…I need to go see Pain."
"See you later…I'll keep you posted." He said. I walked out of his house and out of the station. I pulled my phone out and called Pain. He picked up on the second ring.
"Yes."
"Hey James, you at the tattoo parlor?"
"yes"
"Alright, I'm going to be there in a few..we need to figure out how to nail this guy."
"Okay."
"Alright, I'll see you in a bit.." He hung up. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't know his manners. I got into my car, opened the sun roof, and backed out of the parking lot and started toward the Denny's. I hadn't had breakfast either…

38.
A couple blocks down the road I saw Cardoza and Preznall walking with The Mayor and his family towards the Denny's which was a few yards away. I saw a parking spot right in front of the restaurant so I went past the Denny's and made a U turn at the intersection when a black Ford Van screeched to a stop in front of the restaurant missing my Camero by a few inches. I jammed on the brakes and attacked my horn with fury. The door opened and Charlie and another Italian jumped out of the Van. I flinched and took my hand off of the horn. Charlie had a silenced pistol and the other had a silver revolver. They didn't look in my direction and were facing Cardoza, Preznall and the Mayor. The cops slowly reached into their jackets and Charlie sent four rounds into Cardoza's chest. Preznall tackled the Mayor and they both fell behind a parked car escaping death by a few millimeters, taking cover. I jerked back to life and reached into my jacket and pulled out me magnum. Loud shots came from the other Italian's revolver and Preznall's Beretta. I went up through the open sunroof of the Camero, now half of my body outside of the car and the other inside. I looked at Charlie he was now changing clips. I pointed my Magnum towards the other guy's wrist which was holding the pistol and fired. The round hit his joint and he dropped the pistol screaming as his wrist started to flood with red fluid. He turned around confused and saw me sticking my body out of the sunroof. I smiled and shot him dead on his face. His head snapped back and he went back a foot still standing and holding his left cheek. I fired two more times shattering his skull and making him jump backward. I realized that Charlie was no where to be seen. Preznall kept firing at the driver's side of the van. The Van screeched pushing smoke out of it's tiers and went off swerving from side to side. I looked to me left. The mayor, Preznall, Allison and Mrs. Powell were okay. “Preznall take care of Cardoza!!” I said and went back down to the car and jammed the accelerator as hard as I could. The Camero swerved a little out of control initially, and then shot straight down the road. The black van was already a block ahead of me. I inched closer and closer dragging the Camero from one side of the road to the other to avoid a collision with other cars. Drivers honked, cursed, and yelled behind me. The Van made a sudden turn into an alley way. I jammed the breaks and turned the steering wheel as quick as I could, when I rammed into a signal pole. The glass of my back right window shattered making the honks and yells louder. I stepped on the gas once again and shot behind the van which was now going slower to avoid hitting the dumpsters in the dark alley. I chased behind it and rammed the bumper with mine, the van jerked and increased speed. I grabbed my Magnum with my right hand and vaguely pointed it in the direction of the back window of the van through my sunroof and fired four times. Shots echoed through the Alley and the van lost control and slightly scraped the left wall. I jammed on the breaks and one of my tires popped and I lost control. I spun right and the back of the Camero jammed into a dumpster. I heard a big bang and my head violently hit the side window. I grunted and heard distant sirens.

39.
My neck was hurt again, and my head throbbed. I opened my eyes, and I was inside the Camero facing the road from which I came from. “Charlie…” I whispered and turned around. The black Van smashed into the wall pretty badly. I heard police sirens in a distance, groaned as I opened the door and stepped out. The Van shook. I stopped and grabbed the Magnum from the floor of the Passenger side. Charlie stumbled out and saw me. He clenched his fists. Saw the Magnum. He reached for the skies.

To Be Continued….

[chevy]

i use photo impression software and ulead.. .i am more comfy with photo impr. tho

[chevy]

Chevy,
Cougar Magnum is a Powerful Revolver...I think it's one of the most powerful ones..

Shoulder Holster is a strap that you wear on ur shoulder which will hold the pistol. :D

holm? :huh: i see...

u said holm ..in the " most embrassin .exp" ... i think so .. in one of ur stuff iremember reading it

i ll take time to finish reading tho ..
got loadsa books to finish off...
honor among thieves by jeff arch ... that s wat i m currently reading ... hav u read it surya ??? i CAn bet u ll love it ..

[Surya]

holms is like saying Playa, G, cuz, etc...

[crazy]

:) almost forgot the story

[chevy]

holms is like saying Playa, G, cuz, etc... playa ??? g ???

[Surya]

Crazy :D :ty: :D :D yeah..well..i'm almost done with the whole thing! :) Got like 2paras left. :P

Chevy....Um....k lemme give tamil nadu xamples..it's like macha, machi etc. :D

[crazy]

Crazy :D :ty: :D :D yeah..well..i'm almost done with the whole thing! :) Got like 2paras left. :P


good............... :)
try to post it within a week.................. :D

[Surya]

will finish the story before thanks giving! :) (thurs)

[chevy]

Crazy :D :ty: :D :D yeah..well..i'm almost done with the whole thing! :) Got like 2paras left. :P

Chevy....Um....k lemme give tamil nadu xamples..it's like macha, machi etc. :D thats wat i guessd ... any way .. now what is G etc ...

[crazy]

:thumbsup:

[chevy]

n wats playa ??? which lang is it ???

[Surya]

n wats playa ??? which lang is it ???

English. American Slang! 8-)

[chevy]

n wats playa ??? which lang is it ???

English. American Slang! 8-) oh .... all rite ... nevah read bout it any where....

[Surya]

n wats playa ??? which lang is it ???

English. American Slang! 8-) oh .... all rite ... nevah read bout it any where....

yeah...it's inner city slang....8-)

[Priyankak]

:o
:P

kalaku surya... :thumbsup:

[Wibha]

good going......... :2thumbsup:

wats da ending??????????thanksgiving is over but ur not giving da ending...................

da story's really gud.and i read da WHOLE one.do put up da ending FASSTTTTT.........

[crazy]

good going......... :2thumbsup:

wats da ending??????????thanksgiving is over but ur not giving da ending...................

da story's really gud.and i read da WHOLE one.do put up da ending FASSTTTTT.........

athaane enga ending???????????

[Surya]

Srry...:oops: I'm writing it right now..here it is..:P


[tscii:d37c5975b4]4[/tscii:d37c5975b4]0.

“Where is Henry?” I asked. He shrugged. I fired a round between his feet on the ground. He jumped. “WHERE IS HE?” A squad car screeched to a stop behind me on the road.
“SIR!! DROP THE GUN AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR!” I turned around. It was a young kid, might’ve just joined.
“Wha?”
“SIR! DROP THE FIREARM!!” I tried to show him my badge, when I realized that I had my back turned to Charlie. I turned around and saw Charlie pull a pistol out of his back pocket. I jumped behind my banged up Corvette and heard shots which were fired. I gripped my Magnum and took a deep breath. “SIR! DROP THE FIREARM!” I looked up, the cop had his pistol at me. I dropped my Magnum and looked over the car. Charlie was dead…

41.

The rookie smacked some cuffs on my wrists and before he could put me inside the squad car Pressnall showed up and had him take the cuffs off. It helps to know cops sometimes. I went to the station and Bash stormed out of his office across the hall. “Hey Tyner! Get your stupid ass in here!!” What a Prick! I went in. Lou, Bash and Presnall stood around the table. I went in and closed the door. “2 People…that the grand total of the people you’ve killed!!” He said slammed a piece of paper on the table. “I’m giving you one last chance Tyner!! And that’s for you to get your ex-marine ass out of this investigation and move on! If not, then I’m gonna throw you in the can for Obstruction of Justice and the murder of the two. And you can bet your ass that you’ll be there for some time!”
“Bash…if it wasn’t for him, The Mayor and Presnall would be dead now!” said Lou.
“that’s true Chief!” Presnall reassured.
“Lou, Presnall, SHUT UP!!” Bash yelled and a vain popped up in his forehead. I didn’t say anything, opened the door and let myself out. I walked out of the station and saw Pain’s Jeep outside.
“What happened?” He asked.
“Bash is being a f*ck like always.”
“So what now?”
“Lets get outta here…you got anything to do today?” Pain shook his head.
“Let’s go to my place then.”

42.
We went there in Pain’s jeep since my Corvette was smashed up. I walked inside the building and went into the Deli shop. “Josh,” Josh was a forty year old owner of the Deli shop. “can I have a Turkey Sub in my room in a few minitues..” I said and headed for the stairs. That’s the advantage of living or having an office above a restaurant, it’s like room service. “Make that 2 Josh.” I said and turned around. There was no sound. Pain opened the door and walked in. I looked behind the counter. Plates were broken, the cash register was on the floor. No money was missing. I let myself into the kitchen reaching in for my Magnum. This wasn’t a mugging kind of area, but in San Francisco..you never know. Pain came in inside me. Nothing was out of place in the Kitchen. I walked to the freezer. Whenever something goes missing even at home I look in the refrigerator. Why? Nothing is ever in there. I opened it and saw Josh standing in it.

43.
I flinched and stepped back. Pain ran up to the freezer, pulled him out and laid him on the floor. “Is he dead?” Pain shook his head. I exhaled…
“His body isn’t even cold yet.” Pain said and slapped Josh’s face. Josh opened his eyes.
“James…Chicago….” he said looking at us. I went on one knee. “There were these guys…they wanted to know where you lived…I told them you lived on the second floor, door number….” he closed his eyes again and went unconscious. Pain looked up at me and put his index finger on his lips. I reloaded my Magnum heading outside the kitchen when Pain grabbed my arm.
“wait…” he said walking out silently going behind the counter. I followed. He opened a cabinet door behind the cash register and pulled out a 12-gauge shotgun.
“How do you know about the shot..”
“I sold it to him.” Pain answered. I’d never seen him answer so quickly. He tucked the shotgun between his back and his shirt, and brought another Python out of the cabinet. It’s scary how paranoid some of these shop owners get. But his guns didn’t help him today. “Lets go..” Pain whispered. Today was the most I’d heard him after the war. His mouth twitched and there was a slight smile on his face. We slowly went up the stairs trying to not make the stairs squeek….

44.
I checked the bullets in my revolver again. This could be it. Pain took a step back. So did I. With one kick the door burst open sending splinters into the air. I ran in. there were six guys in my kitchen, waiting for us. One of the guys wearing a purple silk shirt made a move.

I pointed at him and pulled the trigger, which sent him flying off of his chair. I heard another gunshot. I turned around. Pain stood there next to me with his Python outstretched. I turned back, and took the guy 2 guys in the right side of the table and Pain took the ones on the left. That’s how it works sometimes. You kill enough people with another man, you start connecting with him telepathically. Even if you didn’t say anything, you knew what the routine was. A few seconds later, six members, maybe the last ones, that worked for Henry were on the floor, dead. Pain and I lowered our guns and put them back in the holster.

I went into my kitchen to make sure they were infact dead when I heard a grunt from Pain. I turned around and saw what I thought was impossible. Henry Hunt stood between Pain and me with his back turned to me. I reached for my Magnum and pointed it at him when I saw Pain fall to his knees. He had a butcher knife stuck to his stomach, and blood flowed out of his mouth. His glasses slid off of his face. There were tears. I had known Pain for more than twenty years. His eyes have never looked that way. Eyes only look that scary when one knows with absolute certainty that he was going to die. He fell face first on the floor. Henry turned around and slowly walked towards me.

I stood there looking at Pain who was now on his left, pulling on one of the legs of the Poker Table to try and get closer to it leaving a trail of blood on the wooden floor. He kept the knife in there, and didn’t bother to take it off. He pulled again, and his arm gave in. He dropped his face hard on the floor and there was no movement. It took me a while to comprehend what was going on. James Pain was dead. I jumped back to life and looked at Henry who was now less than an inch away from my extended arm. Before I could act he hit my arm, and the Magnum fell out of my hand and landed on the other side of the room.

He grabbed my neck with both his monstrous arms. The veins on his temples were as thick as water pipe now. He picked me up by my neck. I chocked. I coughed. I cried. I chocked again. My face must have been the color of the insides of a watermelon. I grabbed his wrists and tried to pull them away from my neck. There was no use, he was probably on steroids, and he was insane. That’s a bad combination. He had an iron grip on my neck and it was getting tighter by the second.

I tried to dig my fingers into his eyes. He closed them, I scratched, poked, and punched with all my strength. He didn’t move. He could have given me the Butcher knife also, but he wanted to see me die, literally by his arms. My head started to get fuzzy, my vision started to fade. Henry’s plan was simple. Keep me pinned up to the wall through my neck till I died. I looked at Pain, lying on the wooden floor, lifeless. Tears gushed out of my eyes, and I screamed from the bottom of my stomach. I felt something happening to my arms, and my legs. My teeth felt weird. I bit them and my head was felt like it was on the verge of exploding. I reached up behind me, and felt a frame rest on the wall. It was the Clock which I had gotten when I served in Iraq. The seller said it once hung in the bedroom of some Shah at one time. I grabbed it, it was a collectable, but life's priorities tend to shift when you're on the verge of dying, I screamed as loud as I could as I brought it down on his head. It didn’t weigh much, but the glass dug into his baldhead. Pieces of razor sharp glasses stuck to his head. He bled. He yelled and opened his eyes. My vision was almost lost. I grabbed a piece of glass that was on his shoulder, and quickly jammed it into his eyes as far as I could. He screamed and let go of my neck and grabbed his eyes. Reflex. I fell down on my back, gasping for air. Every puff of air sent razors into my lungs, and my head felt like it had exploded. I was bleeding from my nose, and ears. I tasted blood in my mouth. Henry screamed some more and blindly stumbled around the room screaming from the bottom of his stomach which echoed off the walls. I sat there at the corner of the room. My vision slowly came back, my chest hurt like I was having a massive heart attack. Can’t focus on the pain now.

I blinked several times. The pain didn’t go away. I tried to ignore it, but it was strong. I screamed again, and looked at James. He was still motionless. My best friend, my fellow marine, my partner was dead. I looked at Henry who was pulling the piece of glass out of his right eye. I stood up, my knees and thighs shivered. My hands shook frantically. I tried to walk to my gun. Henry had pulled the piece of glass out. Blood gushed out of his eyes. He put his hands on it to try to make it stop. Still screaming in pain. Blood pushed it’s way thought the middle of his finguers. I stumbled a couple steps and fell on Pain’s corpse. I grunted and pushed myself up, when I felt the shotgun on his back under his shirt. It was my only way to Life. I pulled his shirt out of his pants and stuck my hand up his shirt. I found the butt of the gun. I pulled it out and cocked it back once. I looked at Henry. I got on my knees.

He had his left hand on his eye, blood still gushing out from between his finguers. He pushed his left hand over his right eye some more to stop the bleeding. His right hand was made into a fist. He came at me like a raging bull. I brought the shotgun up and pushed it against his chest. He froze. “Sh*t Falls Down.” I said and pulled the trigger. The kickback sent me back a few inches and I hit the wall and screamed. Henry’s spine shattered and red fluid along with some flesh hit the wall behind him staining it red with a splat, and he flew backwards taking him what looked like an hour to land on the ground head first. I heard footsteps. I head spun. I cocked the shotgun once more. Fight to the death! Take any motherfu8ker down with you! A few blue smudges ran in and froze. Someone came to me and came close to my face.

“You As*hole! I said you were banned from this investigation!” Bash. I dropped the gun and stumbled closer to him, he stood there looking like an asshole. I have him the best Right Hook I could and fell down. “Ahh FU*K!! My JAW!” Bash yelled. I smiled…everything around me started to fade….

45.

When I woke up I was in a hospitale ward. Lou sat next to me reading the newspaper. I exhaled. My chest still hurt. Lou looked up. "Hey Chico!" He said.
"hey...."
"Damn!! You guys are lucky you're alive!" I opened my eyes and looked at Lou.
"James!" I said and my chest hurt more.
"He's alright! He's resting in the next ward. It's gonna take him a good 6 months to rebuild his tissues again, but he made it. That motherfu*cker's got nine lives!" he said and chuckled. I closed my eyes...I had an urge to thank someone...maybe god. I opened my eyes. "You single handedly took out a whole Mafia family!"
"So it's all finished..."
"yup"
"what is Bash saying?" I asked.
"Nothin! He can't talk! You broke his jaw!" he said and laughed.
"I what?"
"Broke his ugly as* Jaw! You broke it before going out with that killer right hook!" He said and laughed again. "But it's cool though..you ain't got nothing legal against ya." I nodded when his radio muttered something. "I gotta go chico. I'll be back later today though alright? The nurse'll bring your Dinner in a few alright?" I nodded. Lou headed out the room and turned back before he left. "Chico..." I looked at him. "Get some rest...Allison and the Mayor wanna see you later." I nodded again. He left. I exhaled and got off of my bed. My leg muscles were sore, but they worked. My chest still hurt slightly with every breath. I took one step at a time and went to the next room. Pain lay on the bed with bandages and tubes all over his body. I sat next to him and touched his forehead carefully breathing little by little. He was alright. Being a Private Investigator is a lot of work. I rested my head on the wall behind the chair I was sitting. Espicially if you're the best in the business. I closed my eyes and waited for James Pain.....8-)

[Surya]

THE END! SO WADDAYA THINK? :D

[Wibha]

u did complete it :cool:

[crazy]

ha atlast :cool2:

[Querida]

wow it happened all so fast...um sorry Surya don't get mad...was the iraqi wall clock what he used to smash his opponent??? :?

[Badri]

[tscii:94a2d2da17]Hmm, it was only now that I read the entire story at one shot! Took me a fair amount of time and I must say I am impressed. :)

The style was professional, the humour was just right, sardonic and used just where you least expected it - at least to begin with. Lucky the story ended before it became too predictable.

Character building is never a major element in a short story, but one could follow Pain and Tyner easy enough.

Interest was sustained almost throughout. One wanted to read on, till the girl is found. After that, it sort of lost momentum, and became just routine.

I echo Q's comment on the whole wallclock thing! So, what happened with the wallclock?

There are a few rough edges, like where you labour the obvious - things like "his hands filled with red fluid" or something like that. Red fluid???

The end was a bit stereotyped and rushed - the hero's loyal friend falls, hero goes berserk and wins the day, only to wake up in the hospital with glad tidings of his friend's recovery. Too cliche, if you will forgive me for saying so.

Bringing back those intro lines to finish the story was masterly, especially the way the last bit was constructed. Quoting it here for the sheer pleasure of it


Being a Private Investigator is a lot of work. I rested my head on the wall behind the chair I was sitting. Espicially if you're the best in the business. I closed my eyes and waited for James Pain....

Some more bits that I really liked

a) Maybe I was wearing a Santa hat....

b) Maybe he nodded (with ref to the Mayor on the phone)

c) But I was Chicago Tyner. World’s best detective. Not the best secret agent. They take different courses in College

d) Those bits about Mobster Academy lessons interspersed with action were really masterly too

Overall, :thumbsup: Excellent narration. Sandpaper those rough edges out and you can actually consider this for publishing.

That and do something about the title!

[/tscii:94a2d2da17]

[Surya]

:ty: Wibha, Crazy, Q and Badri! :D :D :D

I can't belive I didn't mention that it was the clock! :banghead: :banghead: Srry abt that guys! :oops: It's fixed now, along with some other stuff which needed to be fixed..:P


wow it happened all so fast...


I wanted to make it really fast paced towards the end, but did it go fast as in a gud thing or fast like what happened in Blade's Climax? :P


That and do something about the title!

Yeah...I've had second thoughts abt the title too...I didn't know what to name it first because I didn't even have an actual proper plot....and the Iraq war was a big issue going on CNN @ that time, so I decided on somethin iraqi, and made the charecter a gulf war vet....

Anyone have any suggesttions now that the story is done and everyone know the key stuff that happens? :)

[Wibha]

surya it wud help if u summerised the story :tongueout:

[Querida]

errrr was blade climax bad? i didn't watch....

anyways your ending was fast = thrillling!!! 8-) 8-) 8-)

well your title wasn't bad but that's how our minds work we wait to see where this "title" part is picked out why it has become the title what are we supposed to know...is it even a comparison to the time spent in Iraq...etc. :huh:

I think you could rename it alot of things...but i'll leave that up to the author...it's your work you deserve to name it! :D

why not call it's "Tyner's Pain" :rotfl: ok ok sorry great job just couldn't resist :mrgreen:

[Badri]

I quite like the title The Iraqi Wall Clock! :) Has quite a nice ring to it!

If only it had a real subtle role to play...

Bashing the head of the villain with it doesnt quite qualify it to be the title of the story! :roll:

But hey, that is just my opinion :)

[Querida]

*digression*

don't you love it when it's your opinion but it's the right one :D

[Badri]

*digression*

don't you love it when it's your opinion but it's the right one :D

heheh! :wink:

[Surya]

I guess I could make the clock to be believed as a lucky charm by the seller, and mention that in some of the early chaps..:? and later on it's the clock which he uses to save his own life. (Glass piece which stabs henry's eye..forcing him to let go of tyner's neck. :P )

I like TIW because it sounds kinda offbeat also. :P

[Badri]

I guess I could make the clock to be believed as a lucky charm :shock: by the seller, and mention that in some of the early chaps..:? and later on it's the clock which he uses to save his own life. (Glass piece which stabs henry's eye..forcing him to let go of tyner's neck. :P )


:banghead: :banghead:

But hey, that too is my opinion only!! :poke:

[Surya]

:rotfl: So that idea is out...:lol2:

What else....:roll: *thinking...creative juices flowing....* :P

[NM]

:rotfl: So that idea is out...:lol2:

What else....:roll: *thinking...creative juices flowing....* :PSurya..don't think too much..not good for the brain :lol:

Iraqi Wall Clock sounds great and stick to it..that's my opinion, too.... :D :D

Oru puthu kathai vEnumnaa write pannittu, intha maathiri puthu name vechchukkO! :D :lol: That's also my humble opinion only..... :wink: Ithukku mel inga irunthaal kal adi kideikkum, naan :yessir:

[Surya]

Thanks NM! :D

My Next Story is called Flawless - The Epitome Of Perfection. 8-)

"ANd OH YES! There Will Be Blood! :twisted:" A line from Saw II. :P

[NM]

White blood or green?? :D Anyway, all the best!

[Surya]

:ty: :D