MIL vs DIL [Archive]

scorpio

10th March 2005, 03:49 PM

On my earlier question of dictators (read grandchildren) feeling more attachment towards mother's parents rather than father's parents.. ( though refuted by JG), I did ask the point informally to my colleagues in office over the past couple of weeks. This is what I gather-

I found out that most women colleagues in my office leave their children in the care of their mom rather than their MIL. There are comparitively fewer people who leave children with MIL and few leave them at day-care or with house-maids.

I went further to ask them why. Working in private sector, they feel their time of going back home is unpredictable and they feel comfortable leaving kids with their mom and feel no guilt to go late to pick up kids and as well finish their dinner at amma's house. Some told me they feel at peace in work place only when her kid is taken care of by her amma, implying, her faith in her mom outweighs her MIL.

Few had soga kathai of MIL refusing to take care of her kid as she already has the responsibility of looking after sis-in-law's children (meaning her daughter's kids). More than 85% of my respondents ( all females) told me that their kids are more attached to her own mother compared to her in-laws. Many have shifted houses so as to live closer to her mother's place.

Of course, this sampling is not scientific nor the results authentic. It may be skewed as I spoke with women in my office who represent the upper-middle class working group in a metro city. This data only highlights the change in the mentality of women that proves the fact that parents of girls are not freed from their responsibility once they get her married... more responsibilities of looking after dictators follow!

Roshan

10th March 2005, 04:19 PM

scorpio,

romba menekkettu irukeenga pOla. Looks as if the hub keeps you occupied all the time .. hey !!! just kidding :D

Anyways, your findings and analysis should be correct. In most cases, even the grand children are more attached to their maternal grand parents whether they are taken care of by them or not. I remember asking my friends , class mates and collegues as to whom they love most - and the majority said - that it's their maternal grand parents they love most.

scorpio

10th March 2005, 05:03 PM

Roshan,

You are right. I wish to find the reason behind this. Why is it a mother who does not differentiate between her son and daughter so long as they are unmarried suddenly becomes touchy after the son's marriage. Why does she most firecely supports her working daughter but turns a blind eye towards the working DIL? When we are so matured to discuss sensitive issues like adoption and surrogacy, I invite fellow hubbers to handle this issue with maturity as well.

pavalamani pragasam

10th March 2005, 06:02 PM

Scorpio, your question is a valid one. But if you want a long discussion with opinions of many hubbers shall we shift the seniors problem to a separate thread leaving the juniors' thread to themselves. It stands to reason that people who talk about surrogacy issues in a matured way will be tackling DIL, MIL problems also in a matured way. It is the average housewives who continue with average treatments! Still, one explanation for more attachment between daughter's offsprings and grandma is she is the one who has been handling the baby from the moment he is born- this continued physical contact at that angelic, immensely pure stage inevitably brings about a lifelong attachment! But that does not justify her being loaded with babysitting duty. If you are ready for a shock let me tell you- I am against women taking up jobs- daughters or daughters-in-law!

scorpio

11th March 2005, 10:07 AM

PP Ma'm,

Enna ippadi shock kodukkareenga??? Rendu perum velaikku pogavillai endral kudumba vandi-yyai eppadi ottuvathu??

NOV,

Can you pls. spin off a separate thread and move postings from here so that we can discuss this issue. Probably, you may title it as 'MIL Vs DIL' which I am sure will evoke maximum views at the least, though not sensible posts :wink:

scorpio

11th March 2005, 10:18 AM

Thanks NOV for such a speedy response :D

Cygnus

11th March 2005, 10:44 AM

Roshan

11th March 2005, 10:53 AM

ayyO Cygnus,

thalaikku mEla vElai irukk enakku !!! . Three dead line assignments. innum vElaiya aarambikkavE illa. aaLa vidunga.

As regards MIL Vs DIL I think the discussions would be never ending like those mega serials that depict such issues :lol:

As for PP's comments on working women... hmmmm very juicy and I feel tempted but my assignments are more important to me at the moment. 8)

appuRam paakalaam. Sorry to disappoint you cygnus :wink:

scorpio

11th March 2005, 11:09 AM

Scorpio, ayyayyO, are you trying to turn me into a certifiable hub addict with such juicy topics?!!! :)

OK, our brief moment of accord has vanished PP!!! :lol: Let's get the ammunition ready, with such a loyal fan base backing you, I am gonna need the big guns here (ahem....you know who you are...) :wink:

I am dying to know Roshan's side as well, she never ceases to surprise me with her views :wink:

Cygnus,

My hub addiction has crossed all limits with me informally taking a survey among fellow workers.. Itha ennannu solrathu??

Iam too shocked to hear PP Ma'm's views. Vaanga sernthu kural koduppom!

Eagerly waitng for yr analysis. Poll vote panna maranthudaantheenga!

a.ratchasi

11th March 2005, 11:43 AM

This is for the thread
My vote is for paternal grandparents.

This is for JG
JG, at least we both agree on this!! :D

And this is for madam PP :evil: :)
I am very much looking forward to hear your side of the coin.
Your statement was a definite shocker, more so when it was made by the very person who wrote a fine piece such as India Smiles.

Unless, ofcourse, you are simply planning to unleash the satirist in you by making such a haughty statement? :)

blahblah

11th March 2005, 12:13 PM

Things are heating up,eh?

As for the thread,I am sure we will all agree that things can't be generalised here.As for the families I know,for some kids,paternal grand ma is closer whie for some others it is the maternal grandma.

But for the majority I get a feeling that it may be the mother's mother.In Indian societies, a good lot of births take place in the woman's house and it will be her mother who look after the child as an infant.This develops a deep bond between them.Even if the infant is not old enough to grasp these things at this stage, fond reminiscences from the Grand mother, makes him/her feel that she was the one who was closer to him.[I heard from my maternal grandma how I had red rashes all over the body when I was born and what all she did to rid me of them,but not from the Paternal grandma].

Another reason COULD BE that most children are closer to their mother than their father,and MAY BE they tend to make a
subconscious association between their father and paternal grandmother as with mother and maternal grandmother and so finds the maternal grandmother more lovable.

It also happens that most children,in the later stage grow up at their fathers house.The maternal grandmother who showers them with love every short vacation they see her appeals more than the paternal grandma whom they live with every day and resorts to correcting them for their little mistakes.

As for Ma'm PP,I too was surprised at her comment.It is my strong view that women should work too.

Deep_Secrets

11th March 2005, 02:17 PM

Blah Blah ....I agree with you saying women should work too but don't we poor women have enough to do at home?

I think that there's this beautiful, mysterious kind of love that radiates from a mother and chidren tend to be attached to their mothers more than fathers because of this. Everything else related to mothers appeals too....or maybe mothers have true love for their children with no 'khud gharzi' or anything and children tend to trust mothers more, so maybe thats why maternal grands are more appealing tham paternal....oh I don't know how to word my thoughts to make em sound like I want them to :roll: ...i hope you get what I mean.

pavalamani pragasam

11th March 2005, 04:06 PM

First of all, I have one request: a.ratchasi thinks mine a "haughty statement". I have no doubt it will be agreed that we can carry on the discussion without using such a tone or languge. :roll: Her doubt about my "India smiles" makes me doubt if she understood what I wished to convey there! :shock:
As for the topic, being a daughter(one among three, mother still alive), mother to a daughter and 2 sons(aal 3 married), a daughter-in-law(one of the 2& both parents-in-law are still alive),& a mother-in-law to 2 daughters-in-law and a son-in-law -you see, I am filling all the capacities involved in the discussion :wink: ) I dont know what juicy information I have to give to fan the coals. :?
One thing I can say about difference in attachment of maternal & paternal grandparents :there is a socio-economic angle to it also. You'll get the point if you understand the old Tamil proverb( getting outdated due to change in legal policies): "aasaikku oru peN, aasthikku oru aaN".

In general there are many notorious feminine frailties down the centuries in all the countries that go to make this MIL-DIL imbroglio. We have plenty of proverbs to prove this, like, "No kitchen is large enough for 2(or 3?) women".
It is a huge amount of conscious effort & enlightenment & self-confidence which can do the trick of bringing about domestic peace. I dont know how many women in all the 4 capacities I mentioned make the conscious effort, have the patience needed for it. It has become a cheap entertainment(unknowingly though) in many families like the mega serials themselves or to use a great comparison, a catharsis of the Greek tragedies. :cry:
As for my "haughty statement" I am not against women's empowerment/enlightenment/emancipation & what not. I have strong beliefs in the capacity of woman to hold the reins of domestic management which includes everything she is exclusively skilled at, designed for by her very nature- such as parenting, hospitality, housekeeping etc. She should expend all her potential energies in her forte-HOMEMAKING. He who allows her to bask in the shade(usually basking is in the sun!)of the HOME is blessed with bliss.

blahblah

11th March 2005, 05:35 PM

With due respect to all the women involved,haven't we deviated from the subject under discussion? When I got married and my wife told me that she doesn't want to work outside,I was the one who forced her to work.I did this because I have seen how my mom struggled when our father died.She would not have been able to raise us the way she did if she wasn't working.

In a finacially well placed family,it may not be necessary for the woman to work.But the fact remains that only a few in this country are so fortunate.

It is ofcourse my desire that my woman stays home and be a great homemaker,if I am so sure that I alone can meet all the financial needs of my family.However if there remains a chance that we could be financially unstable one day,she needs to work.

Querida

12th March 2005, 01:36 AM

ok my opinion is that in short to me it always depends on the individual...i know many friends like their grandparents for how they are treated or their parents are treated not paternal or maternal...maybe it's a different view but here most grandparents are happy to visit and spend time with grandchildren but not to take care of them....but then there is the trust issue of a baby-sitter who is most likely not family...

furthermore i wouldn't mind if a woman does not want to work but i'm surprised if having the oppurtunity to why not work?

I applaud Blahblah in his decision it is very important that a woman does not solely rely on husband for everything she too should know how things run and where money is going/coming....not that she is thinking of being independent from him or does not trust him but she can help in decisions as well as be a bit prepared if the tragedy does (God forbid) strike...I may see things very differently if i were myself in such a situation/experience but for now this is my pov

hehehewalrus

12th March 2005, 02:07 AM

I thought this was meant to discus TV serials :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

ennamo po.

Cygnus

12th March 2005, 06:41 AM

Scorpio, You have a stirred a hornet's nest, with the MIL vs DIL. I'll get to that later.

To answer Scorpio's survey - growing up I was very attached to my maternal grandma who practically raised me through age 5. Later in life I developed more of a sympathy for that poor soul who spent all of her life worrying about the welfare of her children and grandchildren.I never knew my paternal grandma although my paternal aunts and grandpa have told me she was a colorful person with all the southern flair and benevolence befitting a lady. I can't say if things would have been different if paternal grandma were alive.

Interestingly, when comparing grandpas (both were alive until recently) - I was DEFINITELY more attached to my paternal grandpa - he would regale us with us wonderful stories and educate us with the sweetest thamizh classics such as 'thEvAram', 'thiruvAsagam','siththar pAdalgal', 'kamba rAmAyaNam' and 'villi bhAratham'. He was schloarly and rustic at the same time which was a curious mix. Maternal grandpa was a groucho, he wasn't too kind to any of the grandchildren. So he never stood a chance! Paternal grandpa wasn't very kind to my mom, but then he had this affability with the grandchildren that made him a favorite.

I cannot generalize that children tend to like paternal or maternal grandarents over each other. I guess it depends on the specific disposition of the grandparent and their openness in establishing a special bond with the grandchild that makes the difference. So scorpio, would you please modify the poll to include 'can't say' :? :)

a.ratchasi

12th March 2005, 07:56 AM

blahblah

12th March 2005, 11:07 AM

Why the fire from all unexpected quarters?[icon for disappointment]

Cygnus,Yours were very valid comments.Probably every relationship between a grandma and her grandchild is customised.Yet I can't stop believing that I have seen more children closer to their maternal grandmas than the paternal ones.

I support the view that there should have been a 'can't say' option for the poll.

scorpio

14th March 2005, 11:31 AM

Thanks NOV for modifying the poll!

hhhw,

TV serial?? How dare u? :twisted:

Cygnus,

Thanks for yr post and :)

As BlahBlah pointed out, let us not digress by discussing if a woman should work or not. While we dwell more on the topic about MIL and DIL, let us focus on the following points-

1. What does a mother expect from her son when she raises him? Is her expectation from a daughter very different? Is this varied expectation the main reson for not able to easily digest the arrival of the DIL in the family?

2. The number of grandchildren being raised by maternal grandparents has only increased over the years. It was infact shocking for me to learn that so many female colleagues of mine lean much more towards her parents than her in-laws. Does this mean the 'empowerment' of the working mother in the family in being able to support financially has made her voice sound more authoritative that she decides it is better to 'trust' her parents than her in-laws? Does the 'man' in the family feel belittled to depend on his in-laws for raising his kid?

Do share yr views..

a.ratchasi

14th March 2005, 12:50 PM

As BlahBlah pointed out, let us not digress by discussing if a woman should work or not. While we dwell more on the topic about MIL and DIL, let us focus on the following points-

You have my word for it!
No more digression!

2. The number of grandchildren being raised by maternal grandparents has only increased over the years..... .she decides it is better to 'trust' her parents than her in-laws? Does the 'man' in the family feel belittled to depend on his in-laws for raising his kid?

Do share yr views..

On the contrary, what I see is that, more mothers are caring for their sons' offsprings rather than their daughters simply because they (the paternal grandaparents) live with their sons' family.

Besides the above, the other deciding factor would the geographic proximity of the grandparents. GPs staying nearest to the house or workplace is chosen to care for the child, irregardless whether its MG or PG.

It is very much depending on convenience of the child's parents rather than which grandma would be a better choice in caring for the child.

As for men feeling belittled, this is first time I have heard of such. Perhaps the male hubbers could shed some light on this!

Based on my observation, most working mothers fail to realise that whether it's their MIL or mother, both deserve some quality time for themselves regardless of who cares for the children.

blahblah

14th March 2005, 03:41 PM

As for men feeling belittled, this is first time I have heard of such. Perhaps the male hubbers could shed some light on this!

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

You all thought that the male version of the Sas-Bahu story exists among men?How horrible! :evil: :x

I am married and I love my MIL as much as my mother.Infact I pay more attention to her problems bacause I feel that in the beginning she might not be feeling so free as my mother to share her concerns.

And you - WOMEN! :evil: :banghead:

scorpio

14th March 2005, 03:50 PM

Hey Bunny,

Stop banging your head. You have misunderstood.
( as usual, Men !! :tongueout: )

I only asked in cases where the children are raised by the girl's parents, how does the man feel about it? Are they over-powered by their working partner and agree to leave the child at the care of the in-laws? Do they feel belittled to face the in-laws who inspite of spending so much to get their daughter married off is now burdened with the task of caring and running after the kids?

With nuclear families becoming the order of the day, how do the men react if the girl's parents camp at their house in the pretext of raising the grandchildren?? The main question for which I wanted an answer was, has the leaning and dependency on parents increased from a women's perspective just because she is also expected to work and bring in money to run the family??

Sandeep

14th March 2005, 04:06 PM

Do they feel belittled to face the in-laws who inspite of spending so much to get their daughter married off is now burdened with the task of caring and running after the kids?

Do you still believe men have that much of compation or sense. Dont you know by now that men dont have shame of that kind at all. :D

With nuclear families becoming the order of the day, how do the men react if the girl's parents camp at their house in the pretext of raising the grandchildren??
Forget it :x

The main question for which I wanted an answer was, has the leaning and dependency on parents increased from a women's perspective just because she is also expected to work and bring in money to run the family??
Yes its a new form of joint family now, where you neednt live in the same house but yet dependant.

Shakthiprabha.

16th March 2005, 02:47 PM

///////More than 85% of my respondents ( all females) told me that their kids are more attached to her own mother compared to her in-laws. Many have shifted houses so as to live closer to her mother's place. //////

I am very proud to say, that I HAVE NEVER HAD
any difference bet my maternal and paternal grand parents.
I have always loved them equally.

I owe this to my mom, who never EVER taught me to
differentiate BETWEEN her ppl and my DAD's ppl.
She loved them equally and made me love them equally too.

Today my daughter love my in laws equally like
how she is fond of my parents.

It all depends on how a mother raises, or what
values she imbibes in the child.

___

mil vs dil is a never endign age old topic,
which has NO SOLUTION or verdict to reach upon.

situations in every house is different and
the solutions woudl be diffent too.

Any individual is different from every other
individual, hence no 2 ppl can agree in any
single issue.

Looking back there are conflifts in our
day to day life. Analysing them as win / lose
battles... we can summarise them as foll.

sister in law vs woman
man vs father in law
man vs brother in law
employer vs employee
govt vs citizens
sibling 1 vs sibling 2
daughter vs mother
HUSBAND vs. WIFE

IF a woman starts building a beautiful
relationship with her MIL, I am sure
there can never be BEST FRIENDS AS
MOTHER IN LAW AND DAUGHTER IN LAW.

remember ppl..............
mil vs dil is JUST ONE AMONGST THOSE,
WHICH can be solved sorted and reached
amicable decisions as EVERY UNIQUE case.

No use talking about it!

__

I would not be participating actively
in FORUM for another 2 months for various
personal reasons.

happy hubbign and happy discussing.

good luck

rgds,
shakthiprabha

Anoushka

16th May 2005, 03:34 PM

Scorpio, interesting discussion! Probably I am the only one who voted that I was close to my paternal grandparents! Actually I think this is something that is based on each individual and how much the mother affects the children.

Any woman is close to her mother and hence trusts her mother more than her in-laws. As a result she knowingly or unknowingly passes this on to the children and as a result the children love their maternal grandparents more than the other ones! This is just my opinion and I might be wrong.

Now coming to my point, I loved my paternal grand mother because she used to tell me stories. She knew just two stories which she used to repeat but my maternal grand ma never told me any stories! Again my pgm (paternal grand mother) used to feed me (and ofcourse my mgm did not feed me ever), if there is something in the world that I miss most, it would be murungakai samabar sadam that she used to feed me, the taste when she fed me was so different from when I ate it myself! There were loads of things that I can say that brought me closer to my pgm.

But I should say that I loved both my grand fathers just the same. Both of them were lovely human beings and one of them has never called me by name, it was always "darling" or "kannu". I am proud of both my grand parents!

scorpio

16th May 2005, 05:45 PM

Anu,
I accept with you that it varies from individual to individual. My question was, has a career for themselves empowered the woman so much that she prefers to keep closer to her parents even after marriage?? It would be difficult for house-wives to justify such close dependence compared to those working. I am seeing increasing number of working women who prefer to stay close to her parents and leave children at their care as they feel comfortable that way given their erratic work hours. I myself belong to that category. I am still searching for the answer. :?

Anoushka

16th May 2005, 06:29 PM

Scorpio, your motherly instinct takes over and you want to leave your children with someone you trust and who better than your own mother? I know of people here who send their children off to India to their parents because they do not want to send them to creche/play school here. Again the trust factor plays a major role here I think!

Nichiro

18th May 2005, 02:56 PM

If LIL is good, to hell with MIL/DIL problem.
(FYI..LIL stands for LoveIn Law=Husband)

Anoushka

18th May 2005, 06:54 PM

Nichiro :)

Actually I know someone who had a great rapport with her MIL but her husband was a disaster so ended up getting a divorce, but she still speaks high about her MIL and the MIL still supports her :)

scorpio

19th May 2005, 10:51 AM

Anu,

This reminds me of sharmila Tagore-saif ali khan -amrita singh :D

Shekhar

19th May 2005, 05:05 PM

To talk about relationship between MIL and DIL in generality would be so inappropriate in the present circumstances, especially in urban scenario, mainly because the stero type attitudes of them have vanished.
MIL had a fixed notion of what DIL should do, how she should behave etc. Either DIL would suffer or rebel in her own ways.
Such stereo type scenario doesn't exist anymore, because largely we find both of them educated changing parameters of relationships drastically.
Today, the relationships have millions of hues depending upon their personalities and attitudes, and defy generalisation.
Also options are many for both of them, to minimise friction. Only the immature remain in active hostility, like in any other relationship.

Roshan

19th May 2005, 09:10 PM

Only the immature remain in active hostility, like in any other relationship.

Well said !!!!! :thumbsup:

Anoushka

1st July 2005, 04:15 PM

Did anyone read "thaaya - thaarama" in Aval vikatan this week? What do you think?

scorpio

1st July 2005, 04:41 PM

Anu,

Why dont you summarize if you find time??

Anoushka

1st July 2005, 05:51 PM

Scorpio, it is a letter from a MIL who lives abroad with her son, DIL and grand son.

She writes about how her son does not pay attention to her and her DIL does not talk to her and her life solely depends on her grandson. She was initially worried that her son does not recognise how much love she has for him, how much effort she put for him, etc.

But she is now confused as she herself in her younger days had told her husband that the as a wife she had given up everything for his sake and so the husband should give her more attention than the mother. So now she is not sure if the son should pay more attention to the mother or wife!

It is a open debate and they have asked for subscribers to write in to them with their views and thoughts!

napolims445

1st July 2005, 07:59 PM

Anoushka,
My thoughts about the MIL's letter-

Yes.. I definitely think that the husband has to give more attention to his wife atleast in the beginning ..Just for the same reason as MIL told..the wife when newly married its like entirely new life for her because she is out of her parents house, out in a new place and far from friends, far from her people...she definetely deserves a lot of attention in the beginning so that she can build confidence on her husband and which in turn helps her bond with his family.

Also one more reason is the husband will be living with his wife for the rest of his life..and so no doubt he should build a strong relationship with her than anybody..

And parent son relationship is already stronger by the time wife comes into his life.
I feel that if a parent-child relationship is strong neither of them needs reassurance about that relationship. May be sometimes the child(son/daughter) needs reassurance from parents but parents always are strong.

- Just the way I feel

Anoushka

1st July 2005, 08:32 PM

[tscii:c4aa3bfca8]napolims445,

I agree with you a bit and disagree with you a bit too :)

When people get old, they become like children, they need reassurance every now and then. Maybe it is because they are not as busy as they were before so their mind is idle and they have loads of time to think about everything and sometimes this doesn't help :(

------------

In most cases, for a woman when she gets married the husband becomes her everything till she has a child! Once she has a child things change, she puts all her effort in bringing up her child. She expects the child to fulfil every dream she had as a child. The child gets dressed in what the mother wants, eats what the mother wants and even wears a sweater when the mother is feeling cold! Unfortunately most women do not think about having a life for themselves. Their life revolves around that of the child and she expects the child’s life to revolve around hers.

All of a sudden when the child gets married and goes away they feel totally lost. Because they have nothing to do now, they look for attention from their child. Also our habit of holding on is a big problem. We do not let go!

One of my friend’s parents are here. I notice the mother trying to defend her son even among her son’s friends. I understand that it is her only son and that she feels he is the best but if she continues to do what she is doing then even her son will start moving from her slowly. Parents have to realise that children have grown up, are fit to take decisions on their own and let go. If the mother still insists that at the age of 30 that her son should wear what she says then it will become a problem!

Now let us come to the daughter-in-law. I agree that she has just left her family, the surroundings that she has grown up and nearly everything and moved in to her husband’s house, at least in most cases. She does need the support of her husband, but getting the support of her in-laws is not going to harm her in anyway! In fact the more the merrier! Get everyone on your side is what I will tell all daughters-in-law. The husband has to support her, there is no doubt about it, but he can spend sometime with his parents.

Again here I would suggest that the daughter-in-law finds time to do something other than just depending on her husband all the time. Go to an art class, or spend some time with friends - basically do things away from home. When one does things that keep them happy they are not expecting anyone to dote on them twenty four hours a day. Also during the time the wife is away doing things, the son can spend sometime with his parents. So this way both the mother and wife are kept happy.

Also it will definitely help if the daughter-in-law understands the reason for the in-law’s insecurity and makes an effort to put them at ease right in the beginning then there will never be a problem.

Once the wife and mother understands some basic rules then there is no question of “thaaya - thaarama” And everyone can co-exist in the home in peace!
[/tscii:c4aa3bfca8]

napolims445

1st July 2005, 08:49 PM

Coming to the topic of kids being attached to their maternal/paternal grandparents-

All of my friends and some of my relatives are attached to their maternal side relations.I'm attached to my maternal grandparents and uncles and auntys. And in all these cases everybody lived in single families with their paternal grandparents being in the same town and a different house and maternal- out of town(so only 2-3 visits a year)

Reasons for the closeness-
1-Most of the time the reason being maternal grandparents do a lot for their kids and grandkids. they take care of the kids from the time they were born.

2-In some cases the sons were not treated well by his parents and his siblings -i mean even b4 he had got married. But the sons got love and affection and moral support from his inlaws. Obvoiusly after hearing and seeing this no grandkids will love their paternal grandparents or paternal relations.

3-In some cases even though the inlaws showed love for their sons family they were not so much liked by the son and kids because they got nothing in the form of material gift from them where as they used to get a lot of material gifts from their maternal side including the priceless ones(love and affection , support and sacrifice).

Well these are some of the reasons..

Finally -
Distances do not matter when u have feelings for someone.

napolims445

1st July 2005, 09:05 PM

Yes..
I do agree in some cases there may be insesured feelings in the inlaws mind..
But the NEW BAHU's mind is more insecured than theirs in the beginning.so if the inlaws understand this(because even they will have gone thro' the insecurity feeling when they were new)
and give time for the newly wed DIL then slowly as she starts gaining trust and confidence in her husband ...DIL will slowly open up and lend her helping hand...to her INLAWS.

But some inlaws i know were never insecured inspite of not having husbands and all her kids married. she has distributed equally all her love and affection among her sons, DIL, daughters, SIL, and her grandkids. Its just the way a person brings up her kid where they are sure about their kids support and inturn give support till the age of 80 to everyone around her.
Its all in a persons upbringing.

Anoushka

14th July 2005, 09:06 PM

napolims445 - I agree with you - it is all in the upbringing. People pick up things as they grow in life and it affects how they behave in life later.

Yes the MIL should understand better as she has gone through this before but then most of us forget what we went through years ago! There are parents whose marriage was a "love marriage" and who are completely against their children falling in love!!! So previous experience doesn't help in some cases :(

I would say if both the MIL and DIL understand the basic rules then things will become straight by itself sooner or later!

shakthi

15th July 2005, 03:01 PM

Hi, glad to see some fresh ideas on a much debated old issue.

One of my observations - why do some MIL and DIL who happen to be the best of chums before the actual marriage ( i.e. when the DIL and the son is going out together) but after tying the knot, hardly speak to each other or start the infamous MIL-DIL battles?!

Basically they are still the same ppl - do the titles they wear before and after marriage change their perception of each other? I find it funny sometimes since both essentially are of the same character before and after marriage but right after that, a totally drastic change apears in one's attitude to the other (but not in other aspects or other ppl- only towards each other). Does it mean that their pre-marriage feelings was not genuine?

Any comments?

Niranjana

18th July 2005, 12:05 PM

Even as a teenager, I felt insulted about this, what do you feel?

My sister & husband had been to Dubai recently(during the shopping festival time in march). She had given a lot of things to her mother-in-law, like Yardlysoaps, bedsheets, artificial flowers etc. The mil kept the soaps(Yardly) etc in the cupboard for months and gave it away to the servants yesterday, in front of her. My sister felt very insulted. Earlier, mil has given things (that my sis gave) to her sister, aunt etc but this????????

The funny thing is Mil always complains about the servant otherwise!

sbadri, thanks for responding.
Yes, my sis went to Dxb in March . Mil kept the soaps in the cupboard for months. That's right. What are April, May, June & July called? Weeks or Years?

I wish u would concentrate on the problem presented and not on the logical analysis of it. Indians always screw up things.sigh! I wish I could just slap that -deleted- of a mother-in-law. Anxious, cheap little imp.

Badri

18th July 2005, 12:08 PM

Niranjana: I have added your original post to the post above, to help people follow!!

I wish u would concentrate on the problem presented and not on the logical analysis of it.

And oh dear, you missed the whole point! :wink: :lol:

Anoushka

18th July 2005, 07:20 PM

[tscii:c36de6fbb5]Shakthi,

good question.

I think it is easy to handle people when you meet them for just a few hours a day. When it comes to sharing a house 24X7 that is when problem arises.

This is not only in the case of MIL-DIL but also husband and wife! When you are not living with each other you do not know everything about each other. Also one tends to put a mask to impress the other. But a person cannot wear a mask forever…

Simple things like the DIL does not put a towel to dry outside in the line and puts it on a chair inside the house might irritate the MIL, this is a habit of the DIL that the MIL might not have had a chance to know before marriage. The MIL tells the DIL something about it, if both of them are understanding and they have a open discussion on everything, it goes fine, else there is a ego clash and there starts the problem!!!

This is just an example, the list is endless, it could be that the DIL adds salt to rice when she cooks it or she folds the hanky in a different way to MIL, etc! The same goes for the DIL, she might be used to not talking to people when she wakes up, if her MIL wants to have a long chat with her at the breakfast table each morning then this irritates her!

The best thing is to accept that people can be different, be open about things, tell each other their likes and dislikes in a patient way, sometimes it takes more than once for people to understand!

It took ages for my husband to understand that when I said “No” it wasn’t “yes” or “maybe”! Now he knows that if I say no to chocolate it means no and he doesn’t force me anymore.

And I’d say appreciate when people are good and say sorry when you are wrong. This helps a lot!

----------------------

Niranjana,

Coming to your question, I would say, look at it differently. What is the point in buying something that the MIL does not use! I would suggest asking the MIL what she wants before going on the trip and getting her that instead of guessing what she wants and buying that.

I do not invite people home for my birthday because people seem to think I need little leprechauns, clocks, bouquets, toy cars, etc… and buy them for me. I even tried sending mails that I will not accept gifts and that doesn’t help either. So the past few years, I just sneak out of town to enjoy a quiet day out! What is the point in collecting stuff and putting them in the attic. People think giving gifts is compulsory and they don’t seem to ask me what I want 

Maybe your sister’s MIL wanted to giver her a hint that she does not use those soaps and she doesn’t want any more of them! Maybe it is her way of communication.
[/tscii:c36de6fbb5]

rajraj

18th July 2005, 07:45 PM

[tscii:dd6e4f4a68]

It took ages for my husband to understand that when I said “No” it wasn’t “yes” or “maybe”! Now he knows that if I say no to chocolate it means no and he doesn’t force me anymore.

Anoushka: Your husband,probably, did not forget the song:

mudiyum endraal padiyaadhu padiyum endraal mudiyaadhu
vanjiyarin vaarthaiyile arthame verudhaan arthamellaam verudhaan agaraadhiyum verudhaan
:) :) :)[/tscii:dd6e4f4a68]

Querida

19th July 2005, 02:21 AM

[tscii:9b66b6e9ba]oooh i'm intrigued do tell Jana...

anyways

It took ages for my husband to understand that when I said “No” it wasn’t “yes” or “maybe”! Now he knows that if I say no to chocolate it means no and he doesn’t force me anymore.

My father is the same way...especially with my friends or relatives he believes he is doing a favour by cajoling them to try new things...he is only doing it cause he's a caring person but i don't like being forced myself and make sure he doesn't overdo it with others....i also find guests including myself always feel at home when you eat along with them...then just offering food and watching them or trying to engage them in conversation with their mouth full....i wish everybody knew that :roll: [/tscii:9b66b6e9ba]