Wit

[NOV]

Please post witty exchanges & retorts here.

An example: George Bernard Shaw was once introduced to a woman, who disliked his policies.
She said to him: "If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee."
The quick thinking Shaw retorted, "Lady, if you were my wife, I will drink it."

[NOV]

A young actress was once invited by Ethel Barrymore to dinner - who not only failed to appear but neglected to apologize or account for her absence.

A few days later, the two women unexpectedly met at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) in New York. "I think I was invited to your house to dinner last Thursday night," the young woman began.

"Oh, yes?" Barrymore replied. "Did you come?"

[NOV]

Arriving at Plymouth church one Sunday, Henry Ward Beecher found in his mail a curious letter containing a single word: "Fool."

During the service that morning, he related the incident to his congregation:
"I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this," he declared, "is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter!"

[NOV]

Tristan Bernard once won a newspaper competition by providing the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre and you could save only one painting, which would it be?"

His answer? "The one nearest the exit!"

[NOV]

Golda Meir (1898-1978), once told a visiting diplomat: "Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."

[NOV]

While appearing on "The Goon Show," Peter Sellers received a curious letter from one of the program's fans:

"Dear Mr. Sellers,

I have been a keen follower of yours for many years now, and should be most grateful if you would kindly send me a singed [sic] photograph of yourself..."

Encouraged by his friend and fellow-comedian Harry Secombe, Sellers carefully burned the edges of one of his publicity photographs with his cigarette lighter - and sent it off by return mail...

Several weeks later, another letter arrived from the same address:

"Dear Mr. Sellers,
Thank you very much for the photograph, but I wonder if I could trouble you for another as this one is signed all round the edge..."

[NOV]

Talking about atheists, Douglas Adams said,

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."

[NOV]

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen

[NOV]

One evening Calvin Coolidge was sitting at dinner when a fellow guest - well aware of his reputation for taciturnity - attempted to lure him into conversation. "I have made a bet, Mr. Coolidge," she began, "that I can get more than two words out of you."

Calvin's reply? "You lose."

[NOV]

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Western civilization.

His reply: "I think it would be a good idea."

[NOV]

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
- Unknown

[NOV]

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

[NOV]

A notoriously vain actor named Dustin Farnum once boasted to Oliver Herford that he was a "smash hit!"
"Only yesterday, during the last act," Farnum declared, "I had the audience glued in their seats!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Herford replied. "Clever of you to think of it."

[NOV]

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk!

Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly.

[NOV]

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

[NOV]

Shortly before his execution by firing squad, the notorious murderer James Rodgers was asked whether he had any final requests.

"Why yes," he replied. "I'd like a bulletproof vest."

[Shakthiprabha.]

I would like to share a wellknown wit with all of u (I think most of u would know it)

____

Benard shaw was walking up the road, when he bumped into rival, who was too pleased to insult him.

Rival proceeded to say "I dont give way to fools MOVE AWAY"

Bernard smiled quietly and said "I DO" and stepped aside

[Shekhar]

NOV ...
Simply marvellous :clap: :clap:

One small correction, if you don't mind. The correct spelling is 'GANDHI' not Ghandi.

[NOV]

Thanks Shekhar; amended.

(from a forwarded mail)

In the entire history of cinema, I don’t think there has ever been a character who more exemplified the male ideals than James Bond. Talk about the perfect role model; this guy had it all: Beautiful women, a cool job, incredible gadgets, and a license to kill. More importantly, James Bond oozed coolness from every pore. He was never at a loss for words and always had the perfect one-liner stashed away in the inside pocket of his Armani suit. Clearly, there’s much that the Average Joe could learn from Secret Agent 007.

What follows is a list of James Bond’s best quips, quotes, and one-liners from his 40+ year tenure as the top spy in her Majesty’s Secret Service:


Alec Trevelyan: “Half of everything is luck, James.”
Bond: “And the other half?”
Alec Trevelyan: “Fate.”


Caroline: “James, is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?”
Bond: “More often than you’d think.”
Caroline: “I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl, but—”
[A woman drives alongside and smiles]
Caroline: “Who’s that?”
Bond: “The next girl.”
Caroline: “James, stop this, stop it! I know what you’re doing.”
Bond: “Really? What’s that, dear?”
Caroline: “You are just trying to show off the size of your, your—”
Bond: “Engine?”


M: “Because I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms—though wasted on me—obviously appeal to that young woman I sent to evaluate you.”
Bond: “Point taken.”


Dimitri Mishkin: “So, by what means shall we execute you, Commander Bond?”
Bond: “What, no small talk? No chitchat? That’s the trouble with the world today. No one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation anymore. It’s a lost art.”


Girl: “Hi, I’m Plenty.”
Bond: “But of course you are.”
Plenty: “Plenty O’Toole.”
Bond: “Named after your father perhaps?”


Bond: “Get dressed, and I’ll buy you an ice cream.”
[To Bibi Dahl, a teenager who unsuccessfully tries to seduce Bond]


Bond: “I think he got the point.”
[Impaling Vargas with a spear gun]


Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”
Goldfinger: “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”


Bond: “Shocking! Positively shocking!”
[Upon knocking a lamp into a bathtub and electrocuting a hitman]


Dr. Holly Goodhead: “Hang on!”
Bond: “The thought had occurred to me.”
[While dangling from a cable car high above earth]


Bond: “Miss Anders... I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”


Helga Brandt: “I’ve got you now.”
Bond: “Well enjoy yourself.”


Hugo Drax: “Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?”
Bond: “I discovered it had a crush on me.”


Bond: “That’s a nice little nothing you’re almost wearing.”


Tiger Tanaka: “You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don’t you? It’s the hair on your chest. All Japanese men have beautiful bare skin.”
Bond: “Ancient Japanese proverb: ‘Bird never build nest in bare tree.’”


Bond: “Who are you?”
Pussy Galore: “My name is Pussy Galore.”
Bond: “I must be dreaming.”


Bond: [While bedding Christmas Jones] “I thought Christmas only comes once a year...”


Xenia Onatopp: “You don’t need the gun.”
Bond: “Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.”


Bond: “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?”
Chinese Girl: “You think we better, huh?”
Bond:“No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar.”
Chinese Girl: “Darling, I give you very best duck.”


Bond: “Weren’t you a blonde when I came in?”
Tiffany Case: “Could be.”
Bond: “I tend to notice little things like that—whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.”


Bond: “Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.”
Jenny Flex: “Yes, I love an early morning ride.”
Bond: “Well, I’m an early riser myself.”


Max Zorin: “Ha, ha, you amuse me, Mr. Bond.”
Bond: “Well, it’s not mutual.”


Tatiana: “The mechanism is... Oh James, James... Will you make love to me all the time in England?”
Bond: “Day and night. Go on about the mechanism.”


Bond: “Red wine with fish. Well, that should have told me something!”


Cigar Girl: “Would you like to check my figures?”
Bond: “I’m sure they’re perfectly rounded!”


Renard: “How sad, to be threatened by a man who can’t grasp what he’s involved in.”
Bond: “Revenge is not hard to fathom for a man who believes in nothing.”


Moneypenny: “James, where are you?”
Bond: “Oh, Moneypenny. I’m just up here at Oxford, brushing up on a little Danish.”
Danish Girl: “A little?!”


Moneypenny: “You know, this kind of behavior could qualify as sexual harassment!”
Bond: “And what’s the penalty for that?”
Moneypenny: “Someday you’ll have to make good on your innuendos!”


Fatima Blush: “How clumsy of me, now I’ve gotten you all wet!”
Bond: “Yes, but my Martini is still dry!”


Largo: Do you lose as gracefully as you win?
Bond: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never lost!


Girl: “Oh James, I can not find the words.”
Bond: “Well, let me try to enlargen your vocabulary...”

[iyappan]

A Man waswalking down a street when he heard a
voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right
in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to
cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car
came careening around the corner, barely missing
him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your
guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"

[a.ratchasi]

One evening late in his life, the charming former senator Chauncey Depew found himself seated at a dinner party beside a young woman in a very low-cut, off-the-shoulder dress.
Depew, peering at the woman's decolletage, leaned toward her. "My dear," he asked, "what is keeping that dress on you?" The woman's reply? "Only your age, Mr. Depew!"

[NOV]

The boxer, Muhammed Ali was once asked about his choice of career:

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. "

[NOV]

The Greatest Opening Paragraph in American Literature

There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge.

--from Red Wind, by Raymond Chandler

[NOV]

Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science, I think it's a religion.

Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. [Pointing at his math book] This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: [Looking at his homework] As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

[NOV]

Gautama Buddha's preaching was interrupted one day by a man unleashing a flurry of abusive invective.

Calmly waiting for his critic to finish, Buddha asked: "If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?"

"To the one who offered it," the man replied.

"Then," Buddha declared, "I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself."

[NOV]

Dorothy Parker did not suffer boredom, or bores, gladly. ("He's the type of man," she remarked of one bore, "who is sure to keep the conversation ho-humming.")

While attending a party one evening, Parker was asked by an annoying guest if she had ever had her ears pierced.

"No," she drily replied. "But I have often had them bored."

[nirosha sen]

Nov - Your Buddha's wit was the exact same when Ramu gave that smart rejoinder to Prabavathi's abuse when she comes to see him in the Ashram!!

Same scene from "Chitti"!!

[Querida]

(well this is far from wit...more like snappy jokes that luckily for him got some laffs)
Chris Rock says:

"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystander ."

[pavalamani pragasam]

An actress congratulated an authoress on her book “A Bleak Future”. “I enjoyed it”, she said, “ Who wrote it for you?” “Darling”, clawed the authoress, “I’m glad you liked it. Who read it to you?”

Two English school boys who took a dislike to each other, grew up. One became an admiral while the other became a bishop. Years later, they met on a London railway station platform. They had changed, of course, and the bishop had grown very plump but they recognized each other. The bishop went up to the admiral who was resplendent with medals and gold braid glittering all over him, and said “Station master, from which platform does the 11.05 train leave for Oxford?” The admiral promptly retaliated, “Platform 5, Madam. But in your condition, should you be travelling?”

[NOV]

Good ones PP. :)

George Bernard Shaw was always known for his wit.
Here are some of his typical one liners:


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


Practice makes perfect..... but nobody's perfect...... so why practice?


I was born intelligent - education ruined me.


Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.


One should love animals.....they are so tasty.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman ... and behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.


The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term; it brings so many relatives.


Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep .


There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.


"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk


"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours.


God made relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.


The more you learn, the more you know; the more you know, the more you forget; the more you forget, the less you know; so.. why learn.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

[scorpio]

NOV,

Are these by George Bernard Shaw??

Have read them and laughed at, but didn't know the author so far!!

[scorpio]

Witty replies to some stupid questions

What is that thing?

Its an encoded message so that my body can always be identified.

It was an inititation ritual for the suicide cult I just joined.

I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens.

Did it hurt?


Only for about the first hour, then you get so delirious you can't feel a thing!

I don't remember, I was too busy screaming.

Not as much as looking at you.

No, I was born without nerve endings.

No, did it hurt when they removed your brain?

No, actually I found it rather stimulating.

It probably hurts you more to look at it.

If it doesn't hurt, what's the point?

I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding.

Why did you do it?

I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions.

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

The witness protection program told me it would be a good idea to change my image.

If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered.

Wait a minute - I thought YOU knew!

[lordstanher]

Herez a quote I can rem. by Mark Twain:

"When you're angry, count upto four, when very angry, swear!"

[a.ratchasi]

The great poet and prophet Epimenides is said to have remarked one day that "all Cretans are liars." This seemingly innocuous suggestion opened a philosophical can of worms - for Epimenides was himself a Cretan.

Suppose that Epimenides had said instead that "Cretans always lie." If the sentence is true and everything a Cretan says is indeed a lie, then Epimenides, a habitual liar, was telling the truth. But if the sentence is in fact a lie, then Epimenides was telling the truth...

[NOV]

wow! it's one year since this thread was updated. :roll:

[NOV]

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
MARILYN MONROE

[NOV]

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

[NOV]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

[NOV]

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

[NOV]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

[NOV]

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

[NOV]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

[NOV]

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." larence Darrow

[NOV]

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

[NOV]

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

[NOV]

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

[NOV]

[tscii:935705b73b][/tscii:935705b73b]"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscarí]ilde

[NOV]

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend....if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

[NOV]

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend....if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

:rotfl:

[NOV]

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

[NOV]

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

[NOV]

[tscii:9174cc6de2][/tscii:9174cc6de2]"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S.¿Sobb

[NOV]

[tscii:9cca319e43] [/tscii:9cca319e43]"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuelí\ohnson

[NOV]

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

[NOV]

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

[NOV]

[tscii:45296f911e][/tscii:45296f911e]"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscarí]ilde

[NOV]

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

[NOV]

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

[NOV]

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Surya]

http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/9/collegehumor.81e5bc2f8be3a9f56a18f0f94a4b3f99.jpg :lol2:

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1804010 8-) I gt happy...

[NOV]

Lexophile is a word used to describe those who love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition is held every year to see who can come up with the best one.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
2. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
3. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
4. The batteries were given out free of charge.
5. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
6. A will is a dead giveaway.
7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
8. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
9. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
10. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
13. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
14. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
15. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
16. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
17. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

[NOV]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B0t3wGOCYAETwrC.jpg

[NOV]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10153716_938586369493687_1605146485312378709_n.jpg ?oh=129900d5e8f65069bc4e8c399f927eff&oe=550AA3BF&__gda__=1426308359_aac271024f7562f07d4b1f8465967f7 6

[NOV]

what do you do with a dead chemist? barium.

wanna hear a potassium joke? k.

two men walk into a bar. the first asks for an H2O. the second says, "i'll have an H2O too." the second guy died

element jokes are anything but boron

Helium walked into a bar. The bartender said "we don't take kindly to noble gasses here." Helium didn't react.

[raagadevan]

Smart Seats

WestJet (Canada) introduces Smart Seats; a new innovation...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L04YJBj86CM

Thanks to WestJet and Youtube.

[NOV]

1. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

5. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.

11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.

[NOV]

We must check our PM thoroughly when he returns to our country...
We can't trust these Chinese, they can produce a duplicate PM....

[NOV]

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

[NOV]

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word.

[NOV]

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.