THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT!! PLEASE READ IT AND GEIVE SOME FEEDBA

[Surya]

Hi,[/tscii:409ad50f88] This is an experiment. It's a rough rought rough draft! Based on a movie called Training Day - Starring Denzel Washington, and Ethan Hawk. I have many improvements that I want to do as far as the style of writing etc. but please give me ur opinions.

It's got some lauguage, and references. But doesn't offend anyone. So please, give me some reviews. :D

Chapter 1.

My name is Jake. Jake Hoit. I’m 25 and have been on Valley Patrol for all my Law Enforcement Career. I woke up scared, nervous, and anxious. Today was the day. The day that would determine if I was a Narc or just another cop writing tickets. I looked up to see my Loretta giving Jeffrey his breakfast. I slowly walked up to her. Jeff looked comfortable in the warmth of her breast. “Good Morning.” She smiled. She always looked enchanting in the morning, the first beams of sunlight that had escaped the shutters landed on her beautiful skin.
“Good Morning.” I replied. “I’ll be right back.” She nodded. I brushed my teeth and took a shower, hoping that might make me feel better. I was wrong. I got dressed and clipped my 9mm Berretta to my belt. The butterflies in my stomach had gotten worse. I took a deep breath, smelt Eggs. Breakfast. I walked into the kitchen and saw Loretta putting eggs and potatoes on a plate.
“Here’s breakfast.” She said. I smiled.
“No thanks. I don’t feel like eating.”
“Eating will make you feel better.”
“No, it’s ok, I’m too nervous to eat. It’s just tha….” The phone rang. Loretta picked it up. I opened the refrigerator for some juice.
“Hi, I’m fine, how about you?” I turned around. It might be my parents, it might be her’s, it might be Johnny, it might be one of her friends, it might be the pope, or it might be him. “Sure,” She smiled into the phone. “Just a second..” she covered the receiver. “It’s Alonzo.” She said. It was him. I walked up to the phone. Exhaled and spoke to the receiver.
“Yeah.”
“Officer Hoit, It’s Alonzo, I’m your supervising officer.” His voice was deep and bold, reminded me of Wesley Snipes. “I’m at the Roadside Café, It’s a Coffee shop on Auburn. You don’t have to be early just be on time. Do you have a firearm, and a back-up?”
“No, I just have the department issue berretta.” I answered hoping that was good.
“That’s fine, bring it along, we probably will stay inside the office the whole day, but we might see some action. I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Yes, but sir..”
“Yes”
“ I just want to thank you or this oppurt…” He hung up. I exhaled, and did the same. I put my palms on the table and tried to breath. Loretta put her hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” I turned to face her.
“I just feel like it’s the first day of football practice, I already want it to be tomorrow so I can know the result. It’s just…”
“It’s going to be ok.” She said as she got on her toes to reach my lips. That always made me feel better. No matter what was going to happen. Her magical kiss was the medicine.
“Thanks” I smiled.
“Now go on Officer Hoit.” She smiled back. I kissed her again and headed out the door.

Chapter 2.
Here it was, Roadside Café. I walked in. Many senior citizens sat in groups drinking coffee. I looked around the room. There he was. He was black. His cheeks sagged down a bit. His lips moved as he read the newspaper. His goatee reminded me of Martin Laurence in Nothing to Loose. The florescent lights shined off of the huge shiny Cross on his chain. He was wearing a shoulder holster. In the pockets were two pistols. I couldn’t tell what they were. I walked up to him. “Hi.” I sat down.
“Hello.” His ‘hello’ was inattentive and uninviting. He didn’t take his eyes off of the paper. The waitress walked up to our table.
“No thanks.” I said, she smiled, and walked away.
“Get something, you’ll need it.” He still didn’t take his eyes off the newspaper.
“No, it…”
“Fine don’t.” He didn’t see my face since I walked in. I needed to get his attention.
“So where are we going to..” I started.
“Can you please shut up, I’m trying to read my paper.” His rudeness hit me. I still needed his attention.
“Actually I might get something to eat.” I said hoping he’d look up.
“No you won’t. You fucked that up! Just shut-up, I’m trying to read my paper.” He didn’t look. One side of me told me to shut up, the other told me to talk. Sanatos. I knew that I might be committing suicide. But I still went for it.
“Actually, I would like to eat now.” Almost every muscle in my core was clenched. He looked up. Smiled. The muscles loosened. I smiled.
“Jake, tell me a story.” I was surprised. I wasn’t ready for a story. Maybe I’d tell him about the time I cuffed P-Diddy. Would he believe it?
“My Story?” I asked.
“No. Not YOUR story, A story.” I knew he wasn’t going to fall for the P-Diddy bit.
“I don’t know any stories.” I said with hesitation.
“You don’t know any stories, alright, I’ll tell you a story. You see this?” he asked with his newspaper in his hand. I nodded. “This is a newspaper, it’s 99% bullshit! But it’s entertaining, that’s why I read it, because it entertains me. You won’t let me read it, so you entertain me with your bullshit.” It took me a second to understand his fast speech.
“Ok…A couple years ago, I stopped a DUI.” I started.
“A DUI? Let me load up my guns!” He pushed the butts of his pistols together. “Oh SHIT!” I smiled.
“Anyway, It was a real quite night..”
“BHOOM!!!” He yelled. My body flinched.
“What the…”
“That’s exactly my point, you never know. Continue.” Was that my first lesson for the day?
“Well, me and Michel were..”
“Who’s Michel?”
“Oh Sorry, Michel, my training officer.” A smile appeared at the corner of his mouth.
“You had a female training officer?” He whispered. I nodded not sure what expression to express. He rubbed his butt against the seat like he was getting comfortable. “Oh…Alright…alright.” he had a big smirk on his face. “So what was she? Black, white what?” What did that have to do with what I was about to say?
“She was white.” I answered. He smiled again.
“Was she a ‘lick her license’?” I had no idea what he was saying.
“What?”
“A Lick Her License, A Lesbian, was she a Lesbian?”
“No, she was straight.”
“Alright keep going.” Why was any of this important to him?
“So an Acura pulls out of the driveway, and speeds through the streets. I start blinking the lights, the guy keeps going like I’m invisible for 10 blocks, then pulls over. I check his license, everything’s good, but the car isn’t his. The Acura was reported stolen a couple days ago, so we arrest him, and Michel tells me to check the Trunk. I put him in the patrol car and check the trunk, and guess what I find? 50 k’s of Coke. And 2 double barrel shotguns, Loaded.” He seemed to be into the story now.
“Oh shit.”
“It turns out that this guy was on bail for probation, on his way to smoke his ex-partner in crime. We just prevented his murder. It’s amazing.” I was proud. I must have shown it. He smiled, but for some reason I thought that he would be more satisfied if I told him that Michel and I shagged like animals in the back seat of the patrol car.
“That is amazing. That for 2 years you’re out on the streets with a fine bitch and the best story that you can tell me is about a DUI stop?” He looked at me like I was crazy. “But I don’t think so.” He tilted his head to the left and squinted his eyes. “You tapped that ass didn’t you?” I couldn’t believe what my supervising officer was saying to me. “I mean you put her on the back of that Patrol Car and BHOOM! CODE X!” I didn’t know what to do, so I smiled. “Right?”
I thought of Loretta. “Come one man, I got a wife…”
“You got a dick.” I stopped talking, I stopped moving, was he really my supervising officer? “You do have a dick don’t you?” I nodded. What else was I supposed to do? “Ok the dick lines up like this in front of it alright?” I wished I could go deaf right this second. “It looks inside, on the sides are pockets, in those pockets are money. The dick goes inside, and BHAM!!!” He slammed his palm against the table. I flinched again. “Pay the bill and lets get the fu*k outta here!”

[NM]

Surya:
The story-line is good and mysterious but the language and some of the references are not to my taste (my opinion only!). :( :(
Having said that, I've voted for YES, coz' am curious to know what will happen....... :wink:

[Surya]

NM, Thanks for the feedback. The point with the language was that he is a ghetto narcotics officer, with very little manners. Sadly this is the lingo that the Ghetto people use most often. :)

Anyone else? :) PLease? Maybe? Yes?

[Querida]

Hey Surya very nice :D ...i love the realistic nature...sad to say but that's how some people really talk/act..it would have lessened the effect if you had tried to be nice with lang. and references...what i would like to say if you don't mind is try to be more subtle with dropping names, more smooth transitions...cause sometimes it comes off as put on...as rehearsed part of package and parcel of a scene...you have to watch that the uniqueness you maintain in your cafe scene exudes all scenes... but you do well to immerse the reader in the story....good characters don't necessarily have to be good themselves...in other words keep writing... :D

i like the way you handle situations with slight humour such as :
It might be my parents, it might be her’s, it might be Johnny, it might be one of her friends, it might be the pope, or it might be him. “Sure,” She smiled into the phone. “Just a second..” she covered the receiver. “It’s Alonzo.” She said. It was him.

[Surya]

Thanks! Well, I can't take all of the credit. the story is Based on a movie. I've borrowed the main idea of the movie. And thought that I might inhance the storyline with writing, because u can express a lot of things in writing that u can't with a movie.

Thanks, the slight humor I usually try to use when the charrecter is stressed, or confused, etc.

Thanks! I'll post the enxt 2 chapters when I'm finished! :D

Anyone else? Please? :D Pretty Please? :D

[Surya]

awww.... :cry:

[Surya]

Anywayz, here are the next two chapters. Tell me what u think. Thanks. :D

Chapters 3-4. First words of Advise.

Chapter 3.
We walked out of the Café. Cars screeched to a stop as the yellow turned into a red. Alonzo started walking across the street. I followed. He walked to a black, shiny Monte Carlo parked in the red no parking zone. Weren’t cops supposed to have Patrol Cars? Weren’t cops supposed to follow rules? There was a purple folded piece of paper on the windshield. A ticket for parking in red. Everyone is equal when it comes to obeying the law. “Go ahead and grab that menu off of the windshield.” He said as he unlocked the car. Menu? What menu? I pulled the purple paper off of the windshield. It said ‘Kung Mao’s Authentic Chinese Cuisine.’ In bold. I looked at the car again. It looked like something you’d see in a hip hop music video. I opened the door and got in. “Go ahead and put that menu in the glove box.” He said. I did.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Cops are supposed to give tickets Jake, not get them. That’s my ticket for parking in red.” He said and chuckled. It took a while for me to understand it. After a couple seconds, I knew what he did. He had parked in red, and folded a menu, to make it look like a ticket, so that other cops wouldn’t bother. Simple trick, but it fooled most cops. Was I supposed to be offended as a Patrol Officer?
“Alright.” He got comfortable in his seat. I looked around the insides of the car. The front had many switches that I had never seen before. The insides were furnished with imitation wood. Expensive. A rover was stuck to a piece of Velcro on the furnished wood.
“This car is not from the motor pool.” I said. A compliment.
“No. But sexy ain’t it?” he said and pushed the key into the ignition.
“So where is the office? Down south?” I asked.
“You in the office baby...” he said and started the car. “going up.” He smiled and switched the unrecognized switches on. The car shook. I put my hands on my head and ducked inside the car. It might be an earthquake. The moving stopped. I looked out, we were 2 more feet away from the ground. The wheels seemed to be further from us than before. I looked at him. “Hydraulics?” I asked. He laughed. They were Hydraulics. Nice. This was the first time I was in a car with Hydraulics. He backed out of the red spot, and drove on to the street and turned left on to the street and started driving.

Chapter 4. :D
“Today is your day Officer Hoit. I’m gonna show you around, give you a taste of the business. I have thirty eight cases pending trail, sixty three active investigations, there’s another three hundred and fifty three case on the log I can’t clear.” He was good, one of the best. “I've supervised nineteen different officers, that nineteen different personalities, nineteen different Narcs. You could be twenty if you act right. I don’t have time to babysit or hold hands, you understand? You’ve got today and today only to show me who and what you’re made of. If you don’t like Narcotics, then get the f*ck out of my car, and get a pus*y desk job in the valley writing ticktes or something.” He looked at me. I nodded. He continued driving. “Good, gonna show you reality, think you can handle it?”
“Yes.” I answered.
“Good, why you wanna be a Narc?” He asked. I gave him the usual.
“I wan’t to serve my community by ridding it of illegal drugs.” He laughed.
“Alright, but why you want to be a Narc?” He WAS good. I laughed.
“I.... want to make Detective.” I said. That was the truth.
“There you go, you can do it, you can do it, stick with me and you can do it. UN-Learn the sh*t that they teach you at the academy alright? Don’t bring none of that sh*t down here. Sh*t’ll get you killed out here.” He said I could make detective if I could stick with him.
“I will do anything you want me to do.” I said with a straight face. I looked at my eyes for a second. Then smiled.
“My Niggah.” He said as he smiled with squinted eyes again. I was shocked. I almost looked away from him. I thought that was only used for people with african origin. “Open the window start with that.” He said as the both of us lowered our windows. “You gotta love the streets you know, you gotta smell it, taste that sh*t!” He said letting a cloud of smoke out of his mouth, and slowed down for the red light. “How’s your Espaniol??”
I had taken it for a year in High School. “hm..Comsci Comsa.” I realized what I’d done right away. He started to drive for the green.
“That’s French motherfu*ker, how’s your Spanish?” He laughed. I’ve never felt like more of an idiot. I might have smiled in an idiotic way. “Learn that sh*t man, these niggers here plotting all kinds of sh*t behind your back! Learn that sh*t!” he said as I saw a group of police officers cuffing a couple Mexicans on the side walk. One of them had a bloddy lip, the other had a knife wound on his left arm. I’d never seen anything like this in the Valley. I was shoked.
“Oh sh*t! You going to teach me that ‘beat up anything that moves, Rodney King s*it?” I asked.
“That day is gone. That’s not how we do things anymore dogg. We don’t roll like that no more.” Said as he moved his head from side to side. “We’re a new breed, now we use this.” He said tapping the side of his head. “These motherfuc*ers out here too strong for that anyway.” He said and looked at my hand, and eyed my wedding ring. “How long you been married?” He asked.
“One year” I said and thought or Lorretta.
“Got a kid right?”
“Yeah, nine month old girl.”
“I got four, boys. If you ever need a boy, let me know, I’ll hook your lady up. I can’t miss.” An istant sensation of anger arised inside me. Then I realized that this might be a test. I smiled.
“Can we not talk about my family?” I said as politely as I could.
“That’s cool.” He smiled. “I can respect that, I got my queen too. I remember what it’s like to have a new bride. You probably fu*k her face to face don’t you?” He was pushing me. I clenched my teeth.
“Can we please not talk about my wife?” I was trying to be polite.
“That’s exactly my point, you’re so in love, that the sh*t is gushing out your eyes! The day you bring your lady to work is the day you don’t go home. You gotta hide that love inside you, or else these maggots on the streets use it and tear you apart!” He looked at my ring again. “Don’t ever wear that to work you understand?” I pulled it off and shoved it in my pockets. He started to seem a bit unusual now. He had, ever since I had met him. “You think I’m crazy right?” He asked. I flinched.
“Uh….”
“Right, don’t lie, I can tell.”
“Uh…I don’t know what to think.”
“Right?”
“Right.” I polishedly admitted it. Maybe I shouldn’t have.
“Good, Good.” He smiled and continued to drive. He wasn’t crazy. “You know where we’re giong right now Officer Hoit?” He asked. I didn’t. I shook my head. “Gear up, your first Shakedown of the day.” He said. Something happened in my stomach. I sat up straight. This was not a good surprice. “Prove to me what you’re made of son.” He had a wicked smile on his face. I started to brethe harder, and checked my gun. It was loaded. Good.

To be Continued….
:)

So what do u think? Eagerly waiting for ur reply.
Surya. 8)

[shakthi]

hmmm.... it's captivating all right. I definitely would like to read on your next episodes. You could go a bit easy on the language - though i admit that it is meant to build the narcotics officer in such a character i.e typical guy from the ghetto. (PS : is this how these ppl really talk !!?? :?: - I had always thought the movies had exaggerated their language!)

[Querida]

well sadly the reply to your PS is that filthy language doesn't only come from a officer in the ghettos...i have heard it come from the mouth of babes...barely in grade two....and nice indian kids...i say Surya has actually gone ez on the lang...cause well it could be every second word....anyways Surya hope your not disheartened that it's the same old person rather than someone new commenting on your story....i like it it's captiviting black humour (no pun intended) and realistic...let's see how much more you can dish out... :D

[coltsith]

hey there. first post I'm doing here. Surya, I think your story is going great so far. You're doing a good job of helping the reader feel they're in Hoit's shoes. (monologues, etc) Keep on writing! :P

[Surya]

PS : is this how these ppl really talk !!?? - I had always thought the movies had exaggerated their language.

Shakthi, :)
Like Querida said, people speak worse than what I've written. I just toned it down a little, so that it isn't too vulgar, or whatever. Thanks for the feedback! :D

Querida,
As long as someone is reading my story. Before it just used be write and store on my comp for it to just sit there. It's actually much more inspiring when people actually read it. :D
Well, I've planned for a......'shakedown' in the next chapter, hope it turns out well.
Stay tuned. :D


C-Man!
Wassup! U actually listened to me and got an ID here! :D Cool! Don't just stick around here man, get into other disscussions!! U don't need to be an Indian to understand things that people discuss here, for the most part. :) Thanks for the feedback! :D

Regards. 8)

[NM]

Well, I've planned for a......'shakedown' in the next chapter, hope it turns out well.
Stay tuned. :D

Surya.....can't wait for the next chapter. Great story so far... :wink: U planning to publish it?? :) :)

[Surya]

Thanks NM! :D
Publish .........it probably not. Not nearly good enought for publishing. But like I said this is my rough rough rough roughest draft.
I"m writing the "Shakedown" now. :lol2: Hope u enjoy it after I'm done. :D

Regards. 8)

[nirosha sen]

Sorry Surya - Been busy with Annamalai 2 Pa!! Good going!! Feels like some Hollywood production in motion!! You plan on having M Night Shyamalan take a peek too???!! :wink:

[Surya]

Nirosha,
Thanks! I'm honored to have it reviewed by u! :D
Yeah, I called him, he said that he'd take a peek when he has time. :mrgreen:

I'll have the other 2 chaps by friday hopefully. :D

[Surya]

Sorry for the late update. :D

It's got a few errors. Rough draft. :)
Well here it is. Please R&R. :D

Chapter 5.
The drive was smooth. We drove into a neighborhood that looked like it was something god had wiped off of his shoe. The houses were all falling apart, the front yards were yellowing to death, almost every house had a Pit-bull tied to the front porch with a metal chain. Cars were at least twenty years old. A few had broken windows, some had a few bullet holes on the doors. I had butterflies going all over the place in my stomach, checked for my gun again. We pulled over under a huge, shadowy tree. Alonzo looked through the windshield at the a group of Chicano late-teens sitting on a wall. One of them had a pistol sticking out of his pocket. Another just sat there with a beer bottle in his hand. Two girls had cigarettes between their fingers letting out puffs of smoke. Another shirtless Chicano boy walked up to the group, he looked about 17. He had a huge tattoo of a man wearing a Sombrero taking up almost all the skin on his back. “What are we doing here man?” I asked. He looked at me, and turned back to the wall.
“You see that kid with the Sombrero Tattoo?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s my boy, that’s my boy NETHO.” He said taking the durag off of his head, revealing a shiny, baldhead. I almost chuckled. “He lets me know when big sh*t goes down.” He said rubbing his baldhead. Big sh*t. I breathed out, and inhaled again.
“He’s an informer?”
“Yeah, punk is only 17 but he can deal with the best of them.” He said.
“And you trust him?” I asked. I wouldn’t.
“Damn right I trust him.” A green buggy pulled over to the wall. “There it goes.” He said pushing the key into the ignition. “Lock and Load! When we pull him over, I’ll take the front, you take the back.” He said, and waited. I looked at the driver. He was white, looked to be about twenty-two.
“But they look like college kids man.” I said.
“Well, They're gonna get an education today.” Netho walked to the driver, and there was some hand shaking, and “low-fives.” That’s how they exchanged their money and dope. “You see that?” Alonzo said not taking his eyes off of the dealing.
“Yeah I saw that.” I said and went for the rover, for back up.
“STAY-OFF-OF-THE-RO-VER” He said like he was sounding off syllables and started the Monte Carlo. The green buggy started to drive away. Alonzo slammed on the gas, there was a long screech. The Chicano kids broke into a run. “Yeah! Run baby run.” He said as we finally took off. The green buggy started to go faster, so did we. Alonzo made a couple unneeded swirls, and we overtook the green buggy. There were three of them. Two guys in the front, and one girl in the back. We flew by them, and finally made a sharp cut, and screeched to a stop. The green buggy was coming straight at my door screeching to a stop. I pulled my berretta out and opened the door. Alonzo did the same. I pointed the firearm at the car and went to the back like I was told to. The Girl. Alonzo followed close behind yelling the usual. “Put your hands on the windows!!!” I had my gun pointed at the girl who grabbed the glass. “Throw the keys out the window!!! Throw the keys out the window!!!” The driver tossed the keys out the window. He looked like he was going to cry. “Now give it to me!!”
“Give what?” The driver played innocent.
“You know that the fu*k I’m talking about!!! The dope, give me the dope.” He said and grabbed the driver’s ear and twisted it and pointing his pistol at the driver’s face. The driver screamed and broke into tears. Wasn’t that illegal? Alonzo’s head snapped in the girl’s direction. “Mam!! Pleas----HEY! CONTROL YOUR SUSPECT!!!!” That was for me. The girl had reached for something in her bag.
“Mam, please put you palms on the windows!!”
“Give it to me!!!” Alonzo yelled again. The driver handed him a small packet made of Aluminum Foil.
“Sir, I’m so sorry.” The guy in the passenger’s seat was crying also.
“It’ s to late for that now! Give me that pipe you got there!!!” He said eyeing at the pipe on the floor, in the passenger’s seat.
“My mom gave me this pipe.” The driver said sobbing.
“Too bad, she can pick it up at the station!!” Alonzo handed me the evidence. “Now what are you doing here? Huh? This is a gang neighborhood, you know that this is a gang neighborhood?” He said twisting the kid’s ear. Alonzo’s gun was now les than an inch away from the kid’s face. He squealed, and cried some more, and slightly nodded.
“Then don’t come down here!!! If you do, I’m gonna take your car, I’m gonna take your license, and I’m gonna tell those compadres up the hill to run a train on your girlfriend.” He said tilting his head slightly towards the girl in the back seat. Now the girl started to cry. Running a train was slang for rape. I didn’t fell like a cop now, I felt like bully. A bully bullying young kids. “You know what a train is right??” Alonzo was now pushing his gun against the kid’s cheek. The driver was now crying his eyes out. He managed to nod. “Alright!!” He let go of his ear and pulled his pistol back. “Alright.” He smiled. “Have a good day ladies and gentlemen!” He said and started to walk towards the car. “Let’s go Hoit.” I walked to the car also, leaving a car full of kids weeping like babies. I was a bully.


Chapter 6.

We turned and made a U turn, and went on our way. I looked at the kids again. They were still crying. That was the ‘BIG SHAKEDOWN’? I looked at Alonzo. He was laughing. “HA HA HAAAAA….Like that sh*t!!” He was sick.
“That was the shakedown?” I asked.
“In your dreams Niggah! That was just a little fun on the side. The Shakedown comes later today.” He laughed again. The butterflies came back into my stomach. I took deep breaths again. Alonzo opened the small aluminum packet that the driver had given him. “To be TRULY effective, a narcotics officer, should know Narcotics.” He stuffed the marijuana leaves into the pipe that the passenger had given him. “In-Fact, a GOOD narcotics officer should have Narcotics, in his blood.” He said and put the tip of the pipe on his lips. Was he…
“What? Are you gonna smoke that man?” I asked and chuckled.
“Nope.” He took if off of his lips and brought it towards me. “You are.” I laughed. He smiled still holding the pipe near my face.
“Like hell if I am.” I said.
“No?”
“No.”
“Why? You a Catholic? A Jesus Freak?” He asked.
“No, man….”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Look, I became a cop to get a rid of all dru….”
“Yeah, blah blah blah blah blah, this isn’t a review board, and this ain’t cocaine. Come on give it a shot.” I looked at him. He smiled wide biting his bottom lip, and nodded encouragingly.
“No, man.” I said. He stopped smiling. We were going to cross an intersection. The car screeched to a stop at the middle of the intersection of two streets. I flinched again. He pulled out his pistol from this shoulder holster and pressed it against my temple. I almost had a heart attack. Car Horns started flaring.
“Yeah! If I was a dealer right now, you’d be dead right now motherfuker! What the hell is wrong with you?” I saw the green light fall on a light. More horns started to penetrate through the glass windows. “You turn down shi* on the street, the captain brings your wife a crisply folded flag!” He put the pistol back in his holster. Car horns continued to flare. I was sweating insanely. I opened the door. A guy had his head sticking out of his window, looking at what was going on. “You know what, I don’t want you on my team, I don’t want you in my car, get out!! Rookie!” He said looking at the pipe. I got flashes of dialogues in my head. ‘You can do it, stick with me and you can do it’ ‘You can be number 20 if you act right.’ I had a choice to make. I made it. The guy in the car started to scream and honk.
“Alright, give me it.” I said. Alonzo looked at me.
“What?”
“I’ll smoke it man. Give me it” I help my palm out. I saw a smile on the corner of hi mouth. He gave me the stuffed pipe and a lighter. I put the pipe on my lips. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. The guy in the car was still screaming and honking. I lighted it and inhaled through the pipe. It felt like a bunch of water had gone down the wrong pipe. I coughed violently.
“OHH!! Virgin lungs!! Man up now, Man up Niggah!!” I handed Alonzo the pipe. The man was honking louder now. “Get it again dogg! You didn’t even get it-HEY!!!” Alonzo pulled out his Berretta and pointed it at the honking driver. “YOU!! SHUT THE FU*K UP AND WAIT!!!!” The driver’s head popped back in and the honking stopped. I laughed even though it was unethical, and against the law. I inhaled again. Didn’t cough this time. But my head start to feel light. “HA HA HAAAAAAA!! Finish that shi*!” I did it again. This time it felt like I didn’t have a head at all. “HA HA HAAA! Man the fu*k up!” I dropped the pipe on the car floor. He started to laugh. “Let’s go niggah! Let’s go!!” He said and we started to drive ahead.


TO BE CONTINUED….

So what do ya think? :)

[Querida]

was worried that the story wouldn't flow but ya proved me wrong :D very realistic...i like how you made the kids what they were...just kids...it's better to say teens than specify it as late teens or just use age range...kinda confusing with this part:
I opened the door. A guy had his head sticking out of his window, looking at what was going on. “You know what, I don’t want you on my team, I don’t want you in my car, get out!! Rookie!” He said looking at the pipe.

I didn't know if "rookie" opened the door to leave...or just opened the door and if Alonzo had said those words until i read rookie...actually this line was coherent enough that i thought the protagonist spoke it... :P

don't worry about how much time it takes to post it do worry about the quality in which you post....so far so really good :thumbsup:

[Surya]

Thanks Q!

Well about that line, :lol2:

Hoit opens to door becasue he's sweating due to the excitement if u will. And Alonzo is asking Hoit to leave, and calling him a Rookie. And the guy in the car is just looking to see what was going on. :)

[coltsith]

surya, very good. The pacing is fast and I'm eager for the next chapters. One thing I noticed was when Hoit reaches for the rover and Alonzo tells him to stay off the rover. Is rover a nickname for radio that cops use? In that case maybe you should change it to Hoit reaching for the radio and Alonzo calling it a rover.
Great job so far!

[Surya]

C-MAN!
Yeah, It's like a cop radio thing. Thanks!!! :D

[coltsith]

SURYA! You made seasoned hubber!

[Badri]

And I have since learnt that the fastest way to greater and greater heights in Hubberdom is to post single liners!!!!!

Jus Kidding, Surya. Congrats! :clap:

[Querida]

Surya congrats on the seasoning :thumbsup:
so what's your preference oregano? tumeric? chili powder? :P

[Badri]

Why, Q, why :?:

[Surya]

WOW! :D Thanks Guys. :)

Hm.....I prefer Chilli Powder. :D

Badri,
Seasoned......chilli power.....seasoning.....get it?
What r ur view on the new chapteR? :D

[Badri]

Surya


Badri,
Seasoned......chilli power.....seasoning.....get it?

I got it...that was why I asked with the deepest agony, "Why, Q, Why?"

Thaangala pa...kadi cha paravailla...ippadi kotharina?

[Badri]

What r ur view on the new chapteR?

I am afraid I haven't read the earlier chapters at all, and I was all at sea with this one!

[Surya]

Thaangala pa...kadi cha paravailla...ippadi kotharina?

I fail to comprehend ur words. Yenna Solirenge?

Oh ok. :D

[Badri]

Is the Oh ok a second take on the whole thing? Or is it still not clear????

[Surya]

The second.

[Badri]

The second.

Now you make it still obscure!!!

By this do you mean it was a "second" take or it was the second as in the latter?

You do it on purpose do you? Or is it a talent you are born with? :D

[Surya]

..........:? :? :? :? :? :? :?..................
It's a natural born talent. :mrgreen:

OHHHH!!!! I just got it!!! :lol:
Sorry, Tubelight! Late-a yerinjalum, pragasamai yeriyum. :lol:
Earlier Chapters are also there, so if u ever feel like reading them please do. :D


Niro!! Where are you???


PS: This is off of the topic, but u gotta vist this, it's hilarious!!!! :lol:


WATCH THIS FIRST: http://www.badmash.org/dishoom.php After the end, you've gotta wait until the song is over and listen to the Bill Clinton Bit!! It's hilarious!!!!!! :rotfl:

Sequel: Who will gay people vote for????? :lol:
WATCH THIS SECOND: http://www.badmash.org/swingers.php

HILARIOUS!!!! :lol: :rotfl:

[Surya]

I think that I might have lost my flow here. But there's a fight scene in here. Please R & R. :D Thanks. 8)


Chapter 7

We were still driving. On what street? I didn’t know. Didn’t care. My mouth was warm, foamy and tasted sour. I tried to look out the window, but it felt like my head was glued to the headrest on the seat. “Heeeeyyy.” Someone spoke. I turned my head. “Yoou aaalll riighht?” It was Alonzo. I think I nodded. Everything was out of focus, blurry. He tossed a can on my lap. “Driiiiink thaaat.” I opened it, and took a sip. What was it? It was sweet, and made my mouth feel and taste better. I gulped the whole thing down. My eyes lids started to close. It felt like weights were strapped to my lashes. The can disappeared from my clutch. I stopped trying to keep it open……

“HEY!!” My body jumped back to life. I was in a car. “Wake up!” It was Alonzo. I sat up rubbing my eyes with my palm. “Good Morning.” He laughed.
“Yeah.”
“Damn! That shi* hit you hard didn’t it? When was the last time u smoke weed?”
“Uh…” I thought. “12th Grade…” I realized that I was talking to my supervising officer. “Uh….well..uh…..we were….”
“Smokin Weed...” He laughed again. So did I. “Left that outta your service jacket didn’t you? Yeah…..I know you got secrets, everyone got secrets.” He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Didn’t know you liked to get wet though.” Wet?
“What’s wet?” I asked.
“Dippers….P.C.P…..Primos…..Sherm…… Kool…… P-dog……. Angel dust. That’s what you had. What? You didn’t taste it?” I felt like throwing up.
“No…I never had it.”
“You have now, I haven’t but you have.” What happens if I get tested?
“Oh, shi*!! SHI&! SHI*! SHI*!!!” Alonzo laughed. “I’m gonna get piss tested and I’m gonna get fired.” I felt like crying.
“Lieutenants got or back, we know a week before we piss.” He was calm. I was sweating, horrified, scared. Why?
“Why did you do this to me?” I asked. Maybe there were tears at the corner of my eyes.
“I didn’t do shi*! You’re an adult! You make a decision, you live with it!!” He was still calm. “Besides…” he looked at me and smiled. “It’s not like I put a gun to your head.” But he did. He laughed, I don’t know how, but for some reason I knew he had my back. I laughed too. Why? I don’t know. I just did.

We pulled in front of a nice house on a hill in Hollywood. “hey, get your shi* together! This is my road dogg’s house. I wanna see what he thinks of you.” He opened the door and got out. We went up the stairs, I was still al little light headed.. Alonzo knocked the door.
“What do I say?” I asked.
“You’ll think of something stupid.” The door opened. The man was skinny, and old. Maybe mid forties. Judging by the wrinkles on his face, he could pass for sixty. He was in a pink bathrobe, and his beady eyes were sheltered behind hid stylish glasses.
“Hey! Alonzo!!” He welcomed us with a big smile. “Get your as* in here!!” Nice hospitality. We walked in.
“This is my new boy.” Alonzo said after he gave the man a hug.
“Jake, this is Roger, my dogg.”
“Hello.” I said and reached out my hand. He shacked it.
“Hello. Come in. Have a seat.” We did. Roger sat down in front of Alonzo looking concerned. “Heard you had a beef in Vegas.” Beef?
“I’m alright. People talk Shi*.”
“You know I got your back right?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” Alonzo picked up a glass and filled it with scotch, so did Roger. “Jake. Want some?” I shook my head. “Come on dogg don’t be rude.”
“No, it’s alright.”
“Suit yourself.” They clicked their glasses and started to sip. Roger looked at me, smiled, and went back to Alonzo.
“Looks like you got yourself a daisy fresh, scuzz headed rookie.” I think he was referring to my crew cut. He looked back at me. “Where did you grow up?”
“uh..North Hollywood.” I answered. For some strange reason, I was nervous.
“It’s nothing like that here homie!” Roger stopped smiling. “You got the streets figured out?” I nodded. “What?”
“You gotta control your smiles and cries. No one can take them away so... they're all we really have.” How I came up with that, I don’t know. Roger and Alonzo started at me for a long second. Then Roger smiled.
“Sharp kid!”
“Roge, you think this boy can handle undercover?” Alonzo asked.
‘You were just like him.” Alonzo laughed.
“Fu*k You!”
“The same silly as* look and everything. Save the Fuking world.” Roger laughed.
“Yeah, that lasted about a week.” Alonzo said and finished his drink. So did Roger. “I gotta get back to the office dogg!” Alonzo got up. Roger and I did the same. “How far are you?”
“One year away from my retirement. Philippine Islands!! Here I come!!”
“Yeah…let me get in that!” Alonzo chuckled started to walk towards the door.
“You’re invited!” Roger followed.
“Thanks dogg. Jake! Let’s run cuz.” I walked to Roger. He shook my hand.
“Take care Jake, You’re gonna do Okay.” Roger gave me a friendly, assuring smile. I smiled back.
“Thanks.” I said with a smile and walked out.
“Later brother.” They greeted each other and we went down the steps.


Chapter 8.
We were back on the road. I had a feeling that I had just passed a test. Alonzo was smiling at me. “What?” I asked.
“He liked you boy!”
“Who is he?” I asked.
“he’s a good man to know.” We were on a street where many beautiful Chicana women were walking the streets. I looked out the window to my right. We passed by an alley way. There was something going on. It was too quick for me to see what. But somehow I knew it wasn’t good. We passed it.
“Stop the car.” I sat up, and checked for my gun. The car didn’t stop. “Stop the car!”
“Wha…why?”
“Just stop the fuc*ing car!” I pushed the automatic into P. The car screeched to a stop. Horns flared. I opened the door, jumped out and ran for the Alley. I drew my gun and turned. A pink backpack was thrown by corner of the wall and the dumpster. I heard a girl screaming. I ran up behind the dumpster to see a hobo on young girl. I put my gun back in the holster and pulled the hobo off of her.
“Yeah, I’m gonna fu*k you too!” I heard a voice come from behind me. Something hit me hard at the base of my neck. I fell to my knees. The bum in front of me kicked my ribs. I fell on my back. There were two of them. One was white the other was black. The girl was still screaming. I saw Alonzo’s leaning against his car watching the whole show. The white one brought his leg for another kick. I grabbed his leg and managed to get myself on my feet. The black one punched my rib cage again. It felt like a lighting bolt. I didn’t bother with him now. I punched the white one, and he stumbled back a few feet. I turned around to receive a hook from the black one, which sent me moving back and I hit a fence. Alonzo was still watching. The black one tried for another punch, I dodged it and rammed my fist into his solar plexus. He let out air like a deflating balloon, I grabbed his neck and squeezed it just enough for it to hurt badly. He screamed and fell on the ground. I tried to cuff him when I saw the white one get back on his feet. I stopped and ran to him. He swung. I dodged it, now I was behind him. It was now or later, after a few punches. I gave him a strong blow in his kidney region, and grabbed him by his hair. He screamed, I roared and slammed his head against the dumpster, he collapsed to the ground. I could see the black one behind me get to his feet. He was strong for a bum. He put his fists up and started at me. I swerved to the right and he ran into the dumpster, he turned around. I gave him a combo that I had learnt from the academy. Jab, Jab, Jab with my left and a Hook with my right. His nose burst into red mist, and his eyes looked funny. He leaned against the wall and sat down, half conscience. I looked at the girl who was now petrified. I was feeling pain in almost all of my upper body now. I felt like sitting down too.
“Ma Niggah!!!” It was Alonzo. He was smiling wide. “There you go boy! You goy mad squabbles boy!!”
“Thanks for the help.”
“Yeah, you should have shot ‘em!” I looked at the girl. Her nose was bleeding.
“We’re Police Officers. Are you okay?” She nodded. Then I saw a feeling of rage grow inside her on her face. She ran to the white bum who was closest. Alonzo grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
“You fu*ked up! My cousins are from Hill Side Threce and they’re gonna blast you fools! Pinchi Mayates!!!” she was trying to kick him.
“Miss! Relax!” Alonzo tried to pull her away from the hobo. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay, look at my nose man! My mom’s gonna trip outta this shi*”
“Then don’t be walking out here alone. It’s just a nose bleed, put some ice on it, and it’d be alright. What are you doin here? Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”
“I was just going to a ditch party man!” The cuffed bi*ches had come back.
“You almost became a part of the ditch party. Now what did you say? You cousins are from where?”
“Hill Side Threce.” She looked at the closest one. “And you remember that too! Putho!!’
“Alright, get your cousins to get your back, alright?” She nodded. “Alright, now go.” I needed a-
“Hold on, I need a statement.” I said.
“No we don’t need nothing, keep goin.” Alonzo said pointing to the street. She got her backpack and walked to the street, looked back and turned left.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“ Go on, protect and serve brother. Take some free shots at him.”
“I got a punching bag at home alright, these guys belong off of the streets.” Alonzo got down on one knee to talk to one of them.
“You hear that Homie? You wanna go to the booty house? We got plenty of room for you at the booty house.” Why was he asking them if they wanted to go to jail like they had a choice?
“Suck my di*k!” It was the white one. Alonzo chuckled.
“That’s how it starts.” He went to the black one. “What you go? Rocks?”
“No.” Alonzo ran his hand through the bum’s pockets, and pulled out a small roll of twenties.
“You got money though.” In the middle of the twenties was a small glass tube. “Oh…..You lied to me.” He got up, dropping the tube on the ground and stepped on it. Evidence. “You lucky I’m not letting you take that.” He looked at me. “Uncuff this guy, we ain’t racking no arrests.” He said gesturing to the white one.
“What?” I was shocked. We were supposed to arrest them. That’s what we do.
“Do it, un-cuff him, that’s an order.” I did. Alonzo pulled the white one up by his hair and pinned him against the wall with his left while drawing his gun with his right. “Now…what did you want me to do?” He started to cry. “Don’t cry!! What did you want me to do??” The crack-head didn’t answer. “You said suck-my-di*k, isn’t that what you said?” he shook his head. “You didn’t say that? So I’m lying? Isn’t that what you said?” the bum managed to nod. Alonzo pulled out his guns, holding one in each hand. “Alright. You’re wish is my command master.” He said, pushing his pistols against the bum’s groin. “I’ll give you one nut, which one do you want it in? The right? Or the Left?” The bum was sobbing now. Alonzo put his fingers on the trigger. The black one on the floor was watching with his mouth wide open. Alonzo laughed. “Alright, alright, close you’re eyes.” He didn’t. “Close your eyes!!” He did. Alonzo put his guns back and grabbed the hobo’s thighs with his hands. “One….Two….” He got a firm grip. “Three.” He brought his knees back and rammed it into the white one’s groin.
“OOEF!!!” The white one screamed and collapsed, too much in pain to scream again.
“Yeah!! You talk that shit again, I’m gonna rip that tiny di*k of yours off and shove it up that funky as* of yours!! Bit*h!!!” I was too shocked to move. To speak. This day kept making me feel like another criminal. “Damn!! I’m thirsty! I want a beer!!” Alonzo looked at me. “You want a beer?” I just stood there staring at him. “I’ll be in the car man.” He said and walked to the car. I looked at the two pathetic crack-heads. One was almost dying. The other was trying to sniff the area of the broken glass on the ground. I turned and started to walk, when I saw a pink purse on the ground. I picked it up and looked inside. It was a picture of the girl, with her ID. Name: Christina Lopez. Age: 12. I looked at the bum who was sniffing.
“She’s only 12 man.” I said and put the purse in my pocket. He looked up.
“But she’s all woman though bitc*! I’d tax that as* for days.” I felt like kicking his brains out, but somehow I managed to walk back to the car.

To Be Continued.

So, what did you think? :D

[Querida]

ah huh...well Surya to tell ya the truth it sounds like movie dialogue...very cinematic...but yeah the swearing is getting a bit tiring and the plots not moving...try to do it like an episode maybe that will help...maybe you should spend some time developing the characters...something else than just continue the story as it is k? chapter seven started to do that and hence was interesting...chapter eight uhhh not so much

what i do like is again how you maintain your protagonist very well...his thoughts his actions his words it's still flowing good but your Alonso is much too flat a character...menacing yes...intriguing no....which would work out if there were more surrounding flat characters....since it's just the two of you there's some roundedness needed...

oooh and one more thing....es tres no threce amigo...comprendes? :wink: :D

[Surya]

Oui! :D je compadres! Grassyass! :D

You're right. I might have gone a little overboard with the swearing. :lol2: Yeah, also very cinematic, I wrote this part because I forgot where I was going to go with the plot. :banghead: Can't remember. :? So this was just to get my noodle going again about the plot.

Thanks!! :D
Oh and uh...please do excuse my Spansais! :wink:

[Querida]

:lol: ayyo Surya your brand of espanol is enough to put my teacher into retirement! :D

[Surya]

Oh....so that's why Ms.Lopez, my spanish teacher quit!! :o :shock: :cry:

Regards. :lol2:

[Crab]

Hi Surya

I stumbled upon this thread.

Good going but there are some suggestions.

Don't reply to each comment (including this one) until the novel is finished. Bouquets and brickbats will follow eventually. Otherwise both you and the audience lose interest in the plot.

Try to number your chapters like 1/15, 2/15,... so we don't end in a anti-climax.

Give dates of publication of the next chapter beforehand.

I too am thinking of something like this at teakada.com

Congrats anyway!

:thumbsup: