Topic started by Dorai Babu (@ ppp10-90.chdr01.wipro.net.in) on Thu Aug 22 07:17:08 .
All times in EST +10:30 for IST.

Here's my own story on divorce- if you care to know.

I'm m/30 and was married for about 15 months. What we and everyone thought would be an ideal marriage turned out to be an awful experience.

I believe that a spouse should realize that being independent is a good thing once in foreign shores. At least well educated, and communicative spouse would aim for the same. I believe that sitting at home, watching films all day, waiting to be ferried to the store, being totally inactive at all cannot be tolerated by any reasonable husband. Besides, we had all the amenities, I did do my best.

Every attempt to inculcate an useful skill such as driving, going to school, getting a job was met with resistance. No, said person wanted a life of leisure and nil activity. Needless to say, the effect of all the above resulted in excessive poundage, and a dull demeanor. Whither the ambition? Why weren't the active, skilled women around us, and their independence rubbing off on her?

Enough said, I had to file, and it had a positive effect on my being. The usual hoohaa ensued from the families, but I stood my ground. Thanks to an excellent lawyer, I got a fair deal and it was over. Relief....nay, waves of exhilaration swept over me. I was happy at last.

I expect that as a young man, life has more in store for me, good things hopefully. I met with a support group for young divorced people - some had similar stories, some had some domestic abuse. But we were all glad to be out of it.

When a story such as mine appears in the forum, the usual tendency is to judge and berate the husband every time by female respondents. That might happen this time too, but anyways that was my experience.

Newly divorced,
Dorai

Responses:

• Old responses
  
• From: S H I T K I C K E R (@ 203.124.211.138) on: Tue Aug 27 08:11:42
  
  Dorai,
  
  After getting your divorce why are you raking up your memories of those 15 months. It would be wiser for you to forget it and carry on with life rather than expect a community of discussion forum members to hail your course of action.
  
  Or is it that you are trying hard to find acceptance for an action that sometimes haunts you for having viewed your marriage negatively from right from the very beginning that it probably had no chance whatsoever to succeed? Were you too hasty in choosing a wife for reasons other than a compatible partner? Did you have any prior form of mental illness such as depression, schizophrenia or psychosis.
  
  Reading your post, I see only one side of the story.
  
  
• From: Raghu (@ 217.158.120.226) on: Tue Aug 27 12:19:16
  
  >>Even after 15 years, or for that matter, 50 years you will NEVER ever understand a woman. <<
  
  ha ha nice one, keep it up, very true indeed
  
  
• From: Raghu (@ 217.158.120.226) on: Tue Aug 27 12:35:26
  
  Dorai;
  
  Nothing in this world is Real, they are all Illusion, no one is going to die with u, just like no one is born with u, @ the end, all u end with is a naked body burnt in a cramatorium or buried 6 feet deep in soil, that's all u take with u buddy, u leave this world just like the way u came in!
  
  so just live the life for the sake of it, don't blame your slef 4 everything, action & reaction is beyound human control, it is all fate.
  
  I suggest u take up mediation & understand the real meaning of life, away from all this illutions, then you mind will be enlighten & u will be happy with the way things are & will realise there is a reason for everything in life, it's quite difficult to explain man, but u have to feel all this
  
  
• From: Raghu (@ 217.158.120.226) on: Tue Aug 27 12:36:02
  
  oops, I meant Meditation
  
  
• From: mmc (@ netcache.spectranet.com) on: Tue Aug 27 13:32:57
  
  Raghu,
  
  thathuva mazhai pozhinchu thalliteenga thalaiva!
  
  (ofcourse i am saying this seriously too...i too agree with whatever u said).
  
  
  
• From: Shakthi (@ bangdp-35-176.mantraonline.com) on: Tue Aug 27 13:42:22
  
  Raghu,
  
  Great post
  
  
• From: R (@ h66-59-174-253.gtconnect.net) on: Tue Aug 27 15:49:37
  
  Dorai,
  
  Concentrate on a profesional and social life, you will meet a lot of people, find your 'perfect' match that way.
  
  
• From: Hemant (@ wsi2.ci.san-leandro.ca.us) on: Tue Aug 27 20:17:15
  
  Hello Dorai,
  Good, you are Free now.
  This is a lesson that compatibility of individuals is important but to be comatible to a country you live in is also important.
  
  
• From: Hemant (@ wsi2.ci.san-leandro.ca.us) on: Tue Aug 27 20:18:00
  
  TYPO
  Compatible
  
  
• From: :) Punnahai (@ d150-35-51.home.cgocable.net) on: Tue Aug 27 21:14:49
  
  >>This is a lesson that compatibility of individuals is important <<
  
  Hemant,
  
  I agree, but don't you think these issues (like being independent, working, etc.) should have been checked before marriage and not after.
  
  
• From: Senthil (@ adsl-64-108-193-162.dsl.chcgil.ameritech.net) on: Tue Aug 27 21:34:37
  
  Its very nice of Durai to share his personal experience.
  
  I feel,its quite easy to pass on comments or giving suggestions or Thatuvams.It very difficult to implement in life friends.I strongly feel even the best of 'Made for each other' couples
  would have had heartburns.Its just that they got to know of the way to resolve.
  enga appa amma sandai poda nalae kidayathu. :-))
  
  The Beauty of Indian marriages is Commitment and reselience. The Beauty of Western relationships is complete freedom and openness.If one wish to have best of both worlds,then its bit difficult and has to be careful.Having good communication in foreign language doesnt necessarily mean one knows about her personality nor ensures
  her priorities/ambitions.A Divorced woman in Indian society is in far worser-off than a
  divorced Man in outside India.Everyone has got one life to live for.One just has to learn from own and others with no complaints or regrets.
  
  We need to remind us that Everyone in the world is not Perfect.I have my own limitations and other would certanily have few.As others opined,
  one can never get a perfect match.Making use of this knowledge with Give-and-take policy might help us to work out towards a successful happy relationship.This is just a theory...
  
  
  The Great minds of Mankind never understood their spouses in their whole life time. Socrates...Bernard Shaw...list goes on....:-)) (kidding)
  
  Cheers !!!!
  
  
  
• From: karthikdevan (@ sb.nic.in) on: Wed Aug 28 03:41:11
  
  "///The other day, I was listening to one of the most popular radio talk-show programs in USA, Dr. Laura, the host being a controversial (?) woman, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Almost all of the callers have been through a divorce or had 'moral dilemmas' or have/had marital problems. Listening to this talk show is a wonderful experience. No matter what the personal credentials of Dr. Laura are, it is an enlightening program. It tells you 'what not to do in your life to mess it up; what to listen for carefully and force a person to speak up the truth; and sadly, how not to talk the way the show host talks'. Some callers let their emotions go and one can feel their honesty and guilt in their voice, as they get on the air, in explaining how stupid they were in messing up their own lives. The advice given by the host may or may not be followed by the concerned person, but the caller's dilemma gives the listener a clear choice to make in their married life. One could at least talk openly, yet anonymously, in USA on the topic of marriage, divorce, kids, sex and a new life to look for. I doubt if one could talk as openly about critical issues to pave a new life, even in closed circles among Indian families. ///
  
  Read in a website http://members.tripod.com/~lskumar/mea/myea_006.html
  
  
  
  
• From: Raghu (@ 217.158.120.226) on: Wed Aug 28 08:17:03
  
  Shakti & MMC;
  
  thanks for your comments;
  
  ellam maya chaya
  
  ghatham ghatham
  
  hehe
  
  
• From: Hemant (@ 12-233-223-112.client.attbi.com) on: Wed Aug 28 21:14:40
  
  Hello Punnahai,
  When You are in Rome, BE A ROMAN.
  If you don't become a Roma, You can't survive in that place.
  Every place has its own rule.Your conduct in Your own house is different, your neighbour's house is different, your father-in-law's house is different, your Boss's house is different and your duties, rights etc also differ.If you are not able to adopt, adapt and become flexible, you can't survive.
  If you want to live in water, you must know how to swim.
  
  
• From: Kanthavelu Nadarasan (@ edtntnt10-port-31.dial.telus.net) on: Thu Sep 5 22:55:39
  
  Mr. Dorai. In case you did not receive my last post, Mr. Kastamar is correct. When a woman is on the warpath, the HELL out of her way! I am certain that you, Dorai, know that women can have very nasty tempers! And I hope you have life insurance! :-)))
  
  UH OH! Shakthi is going 2 kill me! hehehe
  Kidding Shakthi, kidding! :)
  
  
• From: :) Punnahai (@ d221-216-98.systems.cogeco.net) on: Thu Sep 5 23:24:00
  
  >>If you are not able to adopt, adapt and become flexible, you can't survive.
  If you want to live in water, you must know how to swim.<<
  
  Hemant:
  I did not expect this from you. I expected a more mature response for some reason, may be I have gotten used to your sound advises in ayurvedic and cookery threads.
  
  Anyway, there are two sides to the coin. Don't you think this guy should have communicated what he needed before or at least after marriage? Have you not come across arranged marriages in India where the woman is "expected" to stay home and not to go to work?
  
  
• From: Shekhar (@ 61.1.142.142) on: Sat Sep 7 00:19:18
  
  Mr. Dorai Babu,
  
  I donot believe the reasons given by you for the divorce are right-enough reasons.
  I donot even believe that the reasons given by you are the right reasons.
  I think you are hiding the right reasons from readers.
  But more probably you are hiding the right reasons from yourself.
  Please have the courage to examine your own motives in your innermost self.
  And have the courage to bring it to FH.
  
  

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