Topic started by Neel (@ 64.3.199.17) on Wed May 9 21:21:05 .
All times in EST +10:30 for IST.

It is so easy to forgive an enemy.
How do you forgive a friend or a family member? How do you forgive a friend who betrayed your trust?
How do you forgive a family member who has brought disgrace to the family?
How do you forgive a spouse/partner who cheats on you?
How do you forgive a parent who fails in his/her duty to his/her children.
How do you forgive a child who brings disgrace to his/her parents?
Should you even forgive in such cases? Can you hold displeasure or anger forever?
Are you a bad or a little-hearted person if you cant forgive?
Are you a pushover or are you a big-hearted person if you easily forgive?

I know that my questions are general and vague and have no specific situations. But we all have been in one or more of such situations in our lives or have seen it happen to others. Please post your thoughts, experiences, decisions, etc.

Thanks.

Responses:

• Old responses
  
• From: Sugrutha (@ cc748473-c.avnl1.nj.home.com) on: Sat May 12 23:46:36
  
  Madurai Veeran,
  
  I have also thought about this. The worst punishment for a seral killer or child molester is what the law gives him/her. But the close relatives suffer a punishment far worse. Because one loves and cares inspite and despite of, is it not ? One loves and cares even though one might not forgive. Is that not the worst torture for a human being ?
  
  
• From: kavitha (@ bkj-cache81.jaring.my) on: Sun May 13 02:43:16
  
  is it wise to forgive someone who left us due to problems around him and not because that he wants too. he is forced to leave and he tells me to forget him in a very hard way. i know how he feels but when he says like that, it hurts me and makes me think that actually he dosent care. Am i to forgive him. And if he comes back, should i accept him.
  
  
• From: kavitha (@ bkj-cache81.jaring.my) on: Sun May 13 02:45:08
  
  and if he dosent, am i to hate him forever for what we did when we were together.. or just forgive him and be friends back. I would like a very wise decision. please.
  
  
• From: Sugrutha (@ cc748473-c.avnl1.nj.home.com) on: Sun May 13 12:10:28
  
  For the time being do not dwell on whether you should forgive or not, whether you should be friends or not, whether he dumped you for good reason or not. You can analyse all that later. For now pick up your life, start concentrating on your studies or career, pick up a hobby, exersice, eat healthy, go out with friends - in short, keep yourself productive, busy and entertained.
  
  
• From: kavitha (@ bkj-cache81.jaring.my) on: Mon May 14 06:01:52
  
  
  thanks Sugrutha..
  
  as for now, i m making myself busy so that i wont think that much. But at times, when i have nothing to do, memories of him does come. I know it will take time and i am forgiving him. The reason i m doing this because, he did not do it on purpose. He did not leave me for another gurl or for any bad reasons.. He had to because he could not help it. Actually i know the reason, but itz a thing were its between both of us.
  But, if in future .. time brings him back .. i will consider it that time ..
  
  thanks .. :)
  
  
• From: Ganesh (@ 192.237.114.65) on: Mon May 14 11:40:33
  
  I forgive you guys for writing all these things...
  
  
• From: asad (@ sp-74-33.tm.net.my) on: Mon May 14 12:54:04
  
  http://indianforum./
  
  
• From: Ganesh (@ 192.237.114.65) on: Mon May 14 14:40:51
  
  I will not forgive ABOVE guy.... He is posting this on every thread...
  
  
• From: Ramadas (@ globalb9.citicorp.com) on: Mon May 14 18:55:26
  
  Sugrutha is right. Forgiveness is the basis of
  continuing life. Because if you don't forgive,
  repeated thoughts of hatred and malice will stall
  your progress. Whether you forgive or not, the law
  of "karma" will take its toll on the defaulter
  anyway. It is not for us to punish or forgive the
  wrong-doer. He will be dealt with by the universal
  laws.
  
  
• From: Lakshmi (@ 61.1.211.129) on: Mon May 14 21:55:20
  
  Hi all,
  It is the expectations which causes all problems.If we expect something from someone, and if it is not fullfilled,then we get angry or depressed or something like that.Then comes forgiveness.
  If we don't expect anything from anyone,we won't be disappointed.Think, who are we to forgive others?
  
  
• From: Ramadas (@ 202.135.114.201) on: Tue May 15 00:14:33
  
  Great! Lakshmi.
  
  
• From: TT (@ 203.199.196.118) on: Tue May 15 02:45:11
  
  What is the point in forgiving someone who doesn't realize that he is doing something wrong. If you forgive him, he will continue doing the same thing because everyone has his own justification for doing an act. Even a professional thief will justify his action if you ask for the reason. He believes what he does is correct and his conscience will not accuse him for stealing. In this case forgiving him for his actions is meaningless. We should forcefully teach him what is wrong and if he is trying to make us victims for his actions, we should be ready to defend ourselves.
  
  
• From: TT (@ 203.199.196.118) on: Tue May 15 03:39:10
  
  You may go through the following article :
  http://www.shpm.com/articles/spirituality/patpart1.html
  
  Other articles:
  http://www.forgivenessweb.com/RdgRm/articles.htm
  
  
• From: Srini (@ 203.117.167.130) on: Tue May 15 03:52:07
  
  >>Even a professional thief will justify his action if you ask for the reason.<<
  
  The issuse is if the professional thief offers reasons and manifests symptoms that he internally feels what he is doing is wrong, it doesn't matter. If one is willing to forgive him, one can and rather should.
  
  >>Think, who are we to forgive others?<<
  The entire thread focuses on instances where one is entitled to forgive others and not presupposes forgiving from the altar of any pontiff.
  
  
  
• From: Sugrutha (@ cc748473-c.avnl1.nj.home.com) on: Tue May 15 08:40:14
  
  Forgiving at a personal level is one thing. But at a society level where law and order is an issue, a theif for all the justifications, has to be punished. We must remember that there are people who did not become theives inspite of similar circumstances.
  
  Even with forgiving personal slights etc. one cannot issue pardon without the other person realising the mistake, although you do not hold any hatred or grudes inside for that person.
  
  
• From: Neel (@ 64.3.195.193) on: Tue May 15 21:15:30
  
  Lakshmi,
  
  How can one not have expectations? A wife expects cerain values from her husband. A husband expects certain values from his wife. A child expects love and protection from parents. Parents expect thier children to not spoil the name of the family. Friends expect friends to not betray them. All our human relationships are based on certain conditions and expectations. The only exception may be the unconditional love of a mother for her children.
  
  One can try not to have any expectations of his family and friends doing good things for him. But one certainly will not expect them to do bad things to him. And when that happens he is going to be hurt or at the least disappointed. But if he is someone who expects even bad things from his family or friends then there is someting basically wrong in that relationship and it does not qualify to be a normal relationship.
  
  If you are talking about "detachment" then again how do we call that a relationship?
  
  
• From: TT (@ 203.199.196.118) on: Wed May 16 06:47:48
  
  About Relationship and Forgiveness:
  
  Forgiveness is the solution to resentments. But the process of forgiveness is no simple matter. It is more helpful to think of forgiveness as an on-going process rather than an isolated incident, particularly when what we are trying to forgive is part of a pattern rather than an isolated relationship. Many of us struggle, for example, with forgiving our parents for various omissions or even for patterns of abuse and neglect. Such a task for forgiveness will likely be an ongoing process.
  
  
  The first step on the forgiveness road is to decide if we even want to forgive. Resentments, after all, give us a sense of protection from those who hurt us. They serve as a type of armor. When considering dropping our resentments, we may feel vulnerable. But forgiving does not automatically mean that we remain in or renew a relationship. If the patterns that we are trying to forgive are still there, it may in fact be better for us to forgive while at the same time removing ourselves from the relationship.
  
  We also hesitate at the doorway to forgiveness because we may believe that, if we forgive, we are saying that the offense is no longer a big deal. In other words, we may assume that forgiveness includes condoning. But it is possible, even important, to forgive while at the same time continuing to hold the person accountable. This is a variation on the old adage "Hate the sin, love the sinner."
  
  Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.
  
  
• From: Ganesh (@ 192.237.114.65) on: Wed May 16 15:20:38
  
  What is this, am I reading a bible or what?.
  
  
• From: Lakshmi (@ 61.1.211.168) on: Thu May 17 00:01:59
  
  Hi,
  Neel,I know that one can't prevent oneself from expecting.Everyone expects and everyone suffers.I don't mean dettachment but maturity.Let us be a step forward than others.Let us fulfill their expectations and let us not expect anything from others.If we get anything unecpectedly,we'll be much happier.if we don't get what we expect, then comes the problrms.So I don't mean dettachment, but maturity.
  
  <>
  TT,you are correct.But we should not only be ready to defend but also to accept, if we have the fault.
  
  Only the One who knows everything can teach everything.Sameway, the one who is completely faultless can forgive others' fault.So when one requests you to forgive,think of your faults.You'll sure reply,"You haven't done anything wrong to forgive"
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• From: TT (@ 203.199.196.118) on: Thu May 17 07:21:18
  
  Hi Lakshmi,
  
  >>the one who is completely faultless can forgive others' fault.So when one requests you to forgive,think of your faults.<<
  
  You may have faults. But it doen't have to interfere with you forgiving another person's fault. Before forgiving someone, you should realize what amount of damage he has done to you. As the Clinical Psychologist Dr. Patterson says:
  
  "We cannot forgive something without acknowledging what was done to us. For example, if I was badly abused as a child, I cannot reach a point of forgiveness unless I reach a point where I can acknowledge the abuse. This may seem straight forward but many adults who were abused as children remain protective of their parents, minimizing what was done to them or blaming themselves ("I was bad and deserved what I got.") To forgive, I must face the reality of what was done to me. "
  
  "This facing of reality also includes facing feelings about what happened. This may include accepting anger or beginning a process of grieving. If I face my parent's abuse of me, then I may need to grieve over the parent I did not have. "
  
  "I tend to be wary of persons who claim to have forgiving a terrible affront within minutes of it happening. Such flippancy minimizes the offense and, most likely, is part of a pattern of denial. Because the path is so treacherous, it is one that sometimes should not be traveled alone. It is a path that may benefit from the companionship of a pastor or rabbi, a good friend, or even a counselor."
  
  
  
• From: BUBBLE SORT (@ ) on: Sat Mar 20 21:57:11
  
  BUBBLE SORT
  
  

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